I (really) hate weekends 

Did I mention that I hate weekends? Well allow me to reiterate it.  Weekends are not only extremely lonely for me, but Saturday in particular is a day that I’m “imprisoned” the most by my Social anxiety.   Weekends also seem to be when people are at their most annoying and most obnoxious.   Even in my apartment, I hear other residents blasting out god-awful music and shouting from people on the street outside.   I’ll admit that I’m envious of normal people, or rather WEPs (weekend and evening people) who have families and friends to spend their weekends with. 

It’s a very hot day and I wish I could be out there in the sun, with a friend or a partner.  

Went out for a walk by the river….

I went out this morning for a long walk by the river. There weren’t many people out, except a few people running and cycling (all harmless). I don’t know where the urge to go on a long walk came from, but I feel better for doing it. I want to do it every day, but I need more suitable shoes, as in running shoes, but I don’t have the money to spend on them right now.  They would be a good investment though, as I could start running again. There’s a park nearby that has elliptical machines for the general public to use.

I took a bunch of pictures with my 4 year old inactive / wifi only iPhone. The weather was beautiful, but I was getting bitten by mosquitoes:

I’m surprised that I managed to go out on a Saturday at all because of WEPs (weekend and evening people). But I’ve realized that if you go out early enough, people can be avoided. Still, I wish I could go out whenever I felt like it. When I got back to the apartment building, many of the residents I avoid just HAD to be in the lobby as I passed through as quickly as possible. On the way out, I also HAD to run into one of the men who legitimately creeps me out. I’m glad that I have the internet in my apartment now and as a result, I can hole myself up in my apartment for much longer than before.

I don’t have any friends in Rochester, but it’s my home now. Next month (July) will represent a year that I’ve been here. I honestly like the city, even with its crazy extreme climate. I just wish I had a friend or even friends here to do things with. I like going for walks on my own, but sometimes it would be nice to have company. During my walk, I kept imagining how great it would be to have a boyfriend, but I’ve probably got more chance of winning the lottery and being struck by lightning the same day than I have of meeting someone willing to accept me and my plethora of flaws and defects. I’m done with online dating and posting semi-desperate messages on Craigslist.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m going to ask my psychiatrist if I can stop taking Seroquel and try something else.

Makeup is a necessity 

The reason that I don’t enjoy makeup like I should be able to is that it forces me to look at my ugly reflection in the mirror.  The first thing I notice are my very obvious flaws:

  • My huge nose
  • My blotchy and worn looking skin
  • My dirty green colored bulging eyes and the dark circles underneath them
  • My dull brown hair that feels and looks like Spanish moss
  • My ugly forehead lines
  • My deformed jaw

People have said that I have beautiful hair, but my hair is disgusting.  But it occurred to me that as ugly as my hair is, it’s probably the least ugly part of my head, so it makes sense that people would focus on my hair.

I don’t feel comfortable going out in general, but I don’t feel comfortable at all going out without makeup.  Even I take the trash out or just go to sit in the common room downstairs, I cannot risk being seen without makeup.  Makeup doesn’t hide my ugliness, but it takes a little of the focus away from it.  I wish I had the luxury of being able to go out without makeup, but I can’t do it and don’t want to be seen without it.  I would rather only use makeup when I’m actually going somewhere.   I hate feeling like I have to use it just to take the trash out or because I’m worried that someone will knock on my door and catch me off guard.

I don’t even want to be seen by anyone today, but living in an internet-less phone-less apartment forces me to go out.   The pharmacy at my clinic is open until 12:30pm on Saturday’s and so far, the security guard hasn’t told me to leave, even though it looks like I’m loitering. It’s not exactly safe.   Lots of WEPs get their prescriptions at weekends, so I am at risk of being noticed by them or their children (children scare me because they have no filter).

I don’t know what I’m going to do for the rest of the day, except fall into another depressive spell.  I don’t feel comfortable talking to the on duty support worker here who works on Saturday’s.  I don’t have anyone else to talk to and i absolutely cannot risk going out on a Saturday again, especially after what happened at Family Dollar last Saturday.  I want to go out, but I can’t. I feel like a prisoner, shoved in solitary confinement for a crime I didn’t commit.

I want to hurt myself to take my focus away from the anguish inside my head.   But if I were to do that, I’m pretty sure I’d be admitted to hospital against my will, deadname and all. I’d probably be safer in a hospital ward and I know for a fact that the main hospital here does have wifi.  I just can’t live alone – whether in sheltered housing or not. I’ve never managed it in the past and it always ends very badly.

Right now I can’t even leave my apartment because people who pose a threat to me are outside in the hallway.  People who play music really loud with bass can’t have much respect for others in the first place.

Loneliness is destructive 

Once again, I slept poorly. I did try my hardest to stay up as late as I could, but as I sat in the empty ground floor common room alone,  I started feeling extremely depressed and I had to call it a night just before 9pm.  I couldn’t go out to use the internet because it was pouring with rain.   To make matters worse, it’s snowing now and even colder. Rochester’s weather is definitely trying to make my life as difficult as it possibly can.  The weather is always at its worst at evenings and weekends, which is when I need to get online.  While I waited for the Seroquel to kick in, I tried to listen to the local alternative station, but they keep playing the same songs that I can’t stand over and over again, from god-awful overrated bands such as Imagine Dragons and some other stupid band called Catfish And The Bottlemen.   I don’t know what happened to music, but it’s a lost cause.

I had a nightmare involving S and one of my old cats that died 10 years ago.   I don’t remember much about it, but it was enough to upset me.   I woke up just after 2am, in pain from lumbar spinal stenosis and unable to get back to sleep.   I can’t do anything about the spinal stenosis until my name is changed.   I’ve had it for most of my adult life, but it only hurts when I am lying down or sat down in one position for too long and it’s not degenerative.

I went to the biweekly community meeting, but it was pointless.  I felt severely awkward and anxious throughout and didn’t say anything.   The property manager isn’t getting wifi for the building and even if the building was cable ready, I wouldn’t be able to afford it.   I don’t understand why they can’t just provide wifi for the entire building, especially as many residents (including me) would pay a contribution towards it that would most likely cover the costs of buying a few routers and a new server.   I have no internet and no phone.   If I ever need to contact someone when I’m in my apartment, I won’t be able to. It’s going to be bitterly cold on Saturday, which is going to make the weekend even more lonely and unbearable.

I’ve pretty much written off my chances of making a friend in this community.   I don’t feel comfortable or safe here yet and I can’t see anything changing in that sense.  I’ve been here 6 weeks now and if anything,  I’ve only become more reclusive and more afraid of people.  The staff here are nice enough, but I don’t like to keep bothering them.  I do not feel comfortable with going to the groups or activities they have here.   I need help with going out, such as someone accompanying me to shops that I’ve never been to before, cafes, gyms, libraries and someone to come with me on the buses here, which I’m scared to use on my own.   They do have group shopping trips, but they always seem to clash with my medical or care management appointments and I miss out.  It’s never certain that I’ll feel confident enough on any given day to go grocery shopping alone on the bus.

I don’t know what to do anymore.  I feel no less lonely and isolated than I did at the motel.  At least I had the internet there and never needed to go out at weekends or evenings.  Loneliness is a major catalyst as far as my suicidal ideation is concerned.  It makes me hate myself that much more and validates all of my insecurities.   It robs me of any slither of motivation that I have to try to get better, because I ask myself “What’s the point, when I’m going to be alone forever?” .

While at the clinic yesterday afternoon, one of the other clients there did engage me.  He’s a veteran and he was at the nutrition group I went to. He was doing most of the talking, but I didn’t mind.  When I told him about how I got harassed by 3 men last Saturday evening at a local Family Dollar, he said he’d have stood up for me if he’d been there.  I didn’t doubt him for one second.  Those stupid thug bullies would be no match for a combat veteran.  I found myself wishing that I had a boyfriend like that, or just a friend willing to protect me.  It would make an enormous difference, put it that way.   I feel guilty and weak for having PTSD at all, because I’ve never been in combat or seen anyone die.   My PTSD was caused by things that many people go through and just deal with.  My triggers would sound ridiculous to someone that had been in combat.   And before you silently ask yourself  “She talked to that person, so why can’t she talk to others?”, bear in mind that it was only him and I in the care management waiting room and it’s a very controlled and safe environment.    Had he enagaged me when other people were around, I would’ve shut down and politely walked away. 

My existence has become nothing more than an endless series of gauntlets, obstacles, bad surprises and setbacks.  I live in fear of what might happen next and I don’t like to think about the future. I’m tired of being so alone and so ugly.  

Saturday morning: loneliness and self-loathing 

The abdominal pains never fully came back, although i still don’t feel quite right.  I woke up not that long ago after having a nightmare about my (former) stepdad. He was threatening me and putting me down, which is something he sometimes did.  I haven’t seen him in 20 years and he can go to hell for what he did to me and to my mother.  

I’ve started reading another book called Safe Haven.  I think it might be a bit too triggery though, as it is set in this era and already it is reminding me of what I’m missing out, what I’ll never have and what I’ll never be.

I wasn’t at the clinic for long yesterday. I couldn’t find anywhere quiet to sit, as it was too chaotic in care management.  One of the staff who I often see there came and hugged me and sat by me for a bit.  He’s cute and is always nice to me, but I know it’s just what he’s paid to do and I never know what to say to him.  Then a woman I’d spoken to before asked me if I had a boyfriend yet and that made me feel worse. Why would I?  I’m too ugly for that. She asked me the same question 2 weeks ago.   

I feel incredibly lonely right now and the weekend has barely started.  I can’t wait until the weekend is over and all the WEPs (Weekend and Evening People) go back to work and school so that I don’t feel trapped inside my apartment. WEP’s give me the most anxiety and also remind me of what I’m missing out on: a normal life complete with love, a family, a career and at least looking normal, rather than a tall, ugly freak.  WEP’s are also a greater threat as far as potential harassment goes.  I’ve felt the same about them even before I transitioned. I could deal with them when I had a partner and we’d go to the movies or to a restaurant.  I didn’t feel as self-conscious because I blended in back then and aside from my ugliness, there was little about me that made me stand out.

Rochester’s weather is making my life very difficult, as fab as getting out is concerned.  It’s not much warmer than it was during the snowstorm 2 weeks ago, but now it’s raining non-stop.  I worry that the makeup I plaster on my ugly face will get ruined by walking in the rain for more than a few minutes.  That is the last thing I want, because I’m self-conscious enough as it is about my hideous appearance.  Winters here are much harsher than my native UK.  While London has been enjoying spring temperatures for a month, there’s no sign of spring here yet.  Summer had better be good.  I’m so sick of being indoors. And having to wear clothing that makes me look big as well as tall when I go out.  

I tried to stand outside the clinic to use the wifi last night, but the rain was coming down and my fingers were too cold and numb to type anything. I couldn’t go anywhere else, especially on a Friday night.  As I was standing there, the sound of cars beeping and speeding and rowdy people hollering was making me extremely anxious.  I turned my uglyface to the wall, so that none of the rowdy WEP’s would see it.   I’m sure I look suspicious standing there and I hope that I don’t get told to leave, back to my apartment where I am completely cut off from the world.

I keep seeing a wifi network pop up on my non-phone that the staff use, but no one knows the password.   I don’t know why they can’t just provide wifi for the residents. I’d be willing to contribute for it, as would others.  Most of us can’t afford cable or the installation fees they charge. I don’t have a phone and I can’t get one until Social Security change my name.  I can’t stand feeling cut off during the times when I feel the most lonely and isolated.

Anyway, I’m going to boil my usual 2 eggs for breakfast and head over to the pharmacy side of the clinic for a few hours.   It’s open today until noon, so I need to make the most of that.   I don’t know what I’ll do for the rest of the day.  My head feels too scrambled to read and m.y stomach feels too fragile to exercise.  I’m running out of food, but I can’t go grocery shopping until I get paid on Wednesday.