Night owl mode

I’m usually asleep by now, but I managed to watch WWE Raw on YouTube.   I went out earlier to Wegmans to buy a few groceries.  My care manager very kindly gave me a gift card as I don’t have an EBT card to boy food.  I only bought a few things, mainly cereal, eggs and fruit. It was hot and homie so I wore shorts, my ugly pale legs attracting unwanted attention.  The cashier said he liked my necklace. I wanted to tell him I liked his hair, but I was too embarrassed and it might’ve made him feel awkward, but he has beautiful long blonde hair and has extremely cute. I’m not thinking “missed connections” again as there is no chance that he’d be interested in an ugly freak like me.

The date never materialized…yet another flake.  After mentally preparing myself and spending time doing my makeup, the guy wanted to just come to my place, which I thought was weird. I was actually looking forward to going out, even if it was just for coffee.  I just told him to forget it in the end and never heard anything back.  M hasn’t contacted me either. I’ve given up all hope of finding friendship or love in Rochester.  I’m too afraid to meet anyone else at this point. I’m only here because I have excellent care, but if I lose that, I’m in trouble.

Someone is going to help me as far as the complaint against the security guard is concerned.   I’m not going to say who they are, but I trust this individual.  They realizes that it’s too pailful for me to have to deal with spoken.

I think I’m just going to isolate over the weekend. I have all the food I need and an internet connection.  It’s going to be ridiculously hot anyway and I prefer to avoid WEPs.

I still don’t feel like sleeping. I’m tired of waking up at 3am.  The longer I stay up now, the less time I’ll have to be conscious tomorrow when I’ll be stuck in all day.

So, my ‘missed connection’ from last summer wants to meet….

I slept poorly last night, although my mood was lifted by the message I received from M. ‘M’ is my missed connection from last summer. She approached me when I was grocery shopping at Wegmans supermarket and told me that my freckles were beautiful.  Unfortunately, my anxiety ruined it, but she recently found me on Tinder and we have been exchanging messages. I decided to be completely honest with her from the get go regarding my mental health and the fact that I don’t work at the moment. I figured that if those issues were going to scare her off, the earlier it’s mentioned, the better.

But it didn’t scare her off. On the contrary, she was able to relate and told me she’s going to school to study psychology.  M may have some of the same mental health issues as I do, but she’s clearly stronger than I am where it matters.  Rather than be envious, I think having someone like that in my life would be inspiring.  She not only wants to succeed, but she wants to help people through her future career.  She wants to be proactive as far as ending the stigma that still surrounds mental health.

I remember the evening when M approached me at Wegmans.  I knew she was attractive, which is partly why I couldn’t even make eye contact, never mind try to extend the conversation beyond my freckles.  I remember licking myself for days and weeks afterwards for not seizing the opportunity to make a connection with someone, even if it was just friendship.  There was something very familiar about M too, like we’d met in a previous life and weren’t strangers at all.  But then I started questioning whether she saw me as female or the other thing.  

Anyway, she asked me if I’d meet her for drinks (coffee) and I said yes.    I don’t know when it’ll be yet as she has a busy schedule, but it’s one meeting that I’ll be looking forward to I’ll still be nervous, but a different kind of nervous.  As M has already seen me in the flesh and for some reason liked what she saw, I won’t be able to blame my looks  if i fuck this one up or if we simply don’t click.  But the fact that she’s seen me in person will remove a huge chunk of anxiety.  I have no idea why an attractive, kind and intelligent woman would be interested in me, but I’m going to try my hardest not to push her away or sabotage it as a form of self-destruction.  I’ve not felt this excited to meet another human being in a very long time.  Even if it only leads to friendship, I’d be fine with that.


A Non-Bad Day 

Today has been pretty decent, all things considered. I managed to haul myself out earlier, at least.  The sunny and abnormally warm weather helped motivate me to go out. 

The bus ride wasn’t too bad on the way out. I managed to get most of the grocery items I was looking for, even though I’d never been in that particular Wegmans supermarket before. It took me a while though, as I wasn’t sure where most things were.

I had a bit of a scare while waiting for the bus to go back to the hotel. I was approached by a guy who was clearly a little intoxicated. He made a comment about how fast I was typing on my phone, then asked me if I would like him to give me his number. I ignored him and fortunately the bus came. He sat on the seat behind me, so I moved further to the front of the bus. The bus got really crowded and I was very glad to get off.  

I’ve been talking to a new friend I’ve made through Twitter of all places. It’s been nice having someone new to talk to who I can relate to.

I’m so bored that I’m watching WWE Raw. I used to watch it when I was a teenager and don’t recognize most of the wrestlers. Loads of eye candy though, which is watching.

Tomorrow is Election Day. I am definitely NOT going out tomorrow and I’ll try to avoid the news or social media until the election results, which I will have to watch, as I want to know the result. I hope it isn’t Trump.

So far, so good

So far, so good.  Day 3 here in Rochester and I’ve managed to get quite a bit done.  The trauma and stress that I experienced on the journey here seems like somewhat of a distant memory now, even though it happened just 4 days ago.  My body clock has pretty much adjusted to the time difference already and I’ve actually been sleeping a bit better here thus far. 

Yesterday, I went to my first therapy session and had my intake appointment at the organisation that helped me last time.  They picked me up and dropped me back home again.  We filled out the DHS paperwork so that I’ll have a little money until I’m able to find a job (and they’re going to help me with that).   We discussed my needs, particularly legal name and gender change that are very important. 

I met my therapist for the first time in 6 months, but it was as if I’d never even left.  We talked about the problems I’d faced in the UK and how going back was the wrong decision, but not a decision I should feel bad about as I had to explore that option even if just to cross it off the list.   I told him to smack me if I ever get nostalgic and tempted to go back again.  It failed twice; I am not going to make the same mistake a third time.   We discussed my goals, one of which is working full time.  As a former employment coach, he said he would help me build my confidence when I’m ready, but he wants to put me through trauma therapy first (I have PTSD among other things).  We made an appointment to see my PCP on Thursday so I can get my meds, although I have enough to last 3 weeks or so.  I guess it doesn’t hurt to get the ball rolling.  

I went to the local Wegmans supermarket the day before to buy food.  I missed Wegmans; they are a chain only common in the northeastern United States and their food selection is amazing.  I walked there and back in the heat, which at least gave me some exercise.  It is much warmer here than in the UK, so I am still getting used to the increased heat and humidity.  

Things have been good with my friend and her roommate so far.  We had a talk yesterday to establish some “ground rules”.  I explained to them what my triggers are and we discussed cleaning and personal space.  I sleep much better here and feel generally relaxed.   There are plenty of places I can easily walk to and I can even go up on the roof of the building, where there are never any other humans.  

I spoke to an ex-girlfriend of mine too yesterday.  We had just reconnected on Facebook and it was strange talking to her again after 2 years and me having moved 8 million times since then.  At the time, she was living in Texas and I was living in Florida and we were going to meet and move in togerher, but it was the wrong time.  Well she lives in the same state as me now, which is weird.   Hopefully we can be friends, but she has a new girlfriend now. 

I have to go food shopping again today and I might take my friend’s dog, Bella for a walk later.  I figured the more I push myself to go out, the less likely I am to succumb to agoraphobia again.  

I know there will be bumps in the road, but I am feeling generally quite positive about being back here so far.   I am looking forward to working again soon (with any luck) and being back in charge of my life.   Now, more than ever I think that’s much more achievable here than in the UK, where I have too many ghosts and painful memories holding me back. 

(the closest you’ll get to me smiling).