I went grocery shopping late last night, as it had stopped raining and I couldn’t bear to be in my apartment.
I walked to the bus stop, caught the #31 bus and bought groceries without incident. I bought unsweetened soy milk and apples -most of my diet. I felt weak, tired and disoriented and gave the cashier the wrong money, but I was too tired to feel embarrassed or stupid. I then had to wait just over an hour for the next 31 bus home.
However, on the bus ride back, a man kept laughing uncontrollably. I had my headphones on and music playing, but I’m convinced that I was his target. I was too scared to look his direction and on the verge of tears. I dropped one of my grocery bags like so idiot as I got off the bus, feeling humiliated and ugly, my worst insecurities validated by the outside world once again.
I struggled carrying my bags back home, partly because I didn’t want to use my right arm, because that is where E noticed the muscles. I got back around 11:45pm, took mg medication and fell sleep pretty quickly, as I was exhausted. I cried myself to sleep over what happened on the bus and would’ve self-harmed if I’d had the energy. I thought about S and how much I miss her.
The clinic won’t be open on Monday as it’s Memorial Day. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with myself. I can’t usually face going to Boulder Coffee at weekends, because of the WRPs (weekend and evening people). I still have no internet and no phone in my apartment.
I bumped into C at the clinic yesterday. She said she lost her phone and that’s why she hadn’t emailed me back. I was feeling down and told her I would definitely consider going back on drugs. She mentioned heroin, but I don’t want to go down that route just yet and I’m not sure if she was serious or not. I’ve got morning left to lose though. I’m so ugly that people laugh at me on public transportation and I can’t find friends or find love. I don’t see myself ever getting better, just older and uglier. What’s the point in being sober when I’m slowly dying anyway? Next time I see her I’m going to see what she can get. Maybe escapism is the only way.
I sent a long email to one of my brothers (the one I’m closest to) and he hasn’t responded. I think he’s washed his hands of me completely, which I understand, given that he’s probably ashamed of me and embarrassed by me. Perhaps he thinks I just used him. I reached out to my mother too, but her response was cold and indifferent and I don’t know what to say to her.
I’ve already eaten my food quota for the day: 1 apple and a cup of coffee with soy milk. If I haven’t lost any more weight by Tuesday or if my arm and shoulder musicales don’t start going away, I’m going to start purging food. I can’t take this anymore; being a huge freak and a monster. I’m not trying to kill myself by doing this, but that would definitely be an added bonus. I wish I could rid myself of my height too, so when I see the podiatrist I’m going to ask about getting the lower part of my legs amputated and my ugly feet replaced with prosthetics. Since the medication to help me breathe more easily trough my huge UGLY nose isn’t making any difference, I hope I’ll be able to get a rhinoplasty. In the meantime, what I can control is what I eat. When these muscles disappear maybe I’ll be able to resume a semi-normal diet again or maybe I’ll get lucky and die.