I (really) hate weekends 

Did I mention that I hate weekends? Well allow me to reiterate it.  Weekends are not only extremely lonely for me, but Saturday in particular is a day that I’m “imprisoned” the most by my Social anxiety.   Weekends also seem to be when people are at their most annoying and most obnoxious.   Even in my apartment, I hear other residents blasting out god-awful music and shouting from people on the street outside.   I’ll admit that I’m envious of normal people, or rather WEPs (weekend and evening people) who have families and friends to spend their weekends with. 

It’s a very hot day and I wish I could be out there in the sun, with a friend or a partner.  

Went out for a walk by the river….

I went out this morning for a long walk by the river. There weren’t many people out, except a few people running and cycling (all harmless). I don’t know where the urge to go on a long walk came from, but I feel better for doing it. I want to do it every day, but I need more suitable shoes, as in running shoes, but I don’t have the money to spend on them right now.  They would be a good investment though, as I could start running again. There’s a park nearby that has elliptical machines for the general public to use.

I took a bunch of pictures with my 4 year old inactive / wifi only iPhone. The weather was beautiful, but I was getting bitten by mosquitoes:


I’m surprised that I managed to go out on a Saturday at all because of WEPs (weekend and evening people). But I’ve realized that if you go out early enough, people can be avoided. Still, I wish I could go out whenever I felt like it. When I got back to the apartment building, many of the residents I avoid just HAD to be in the lobby as I passed through as quickly as possible. On the way out, I also HAD to run into one of the men who legitimately creeps me out. I’m glad that I have the internet in my apartment now and as a result, I can hole myself up in my apartment for much longer than before.

I don’t have any friends in Rochester, but it’s my home now. Next month (July) will represent a year that I’ve been here. I honestly like the city, even with its crazy extreme climate. I just wish I had a friend or even friends here to do things with. I like going for walks on my own, but sometimes it would be nice to have company. During my walk, I kept imagining how great it would be to have a boyfriend, but I’ve probably got more chance of winning the lottery and being struck by lightning the same day than I have of meeting someone willing to accept me and my plethora of flaws and defects. I’m done with online dating and posting semi-desperate messages on Craigslist.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m going to ask my psychiatrist if I can stop taking Seroquel and try something else.

The outside world continues to hurt me 

I went grocery shopping late last night, as it had stopped raining and I couldn’t bear to be in my apartment.

I walked to the bus stop, caught the #31 bus and bought groceries without incident.  I bought unsweetened soy milk and apples -most of my diet.  I felt weak, tired and disoriented and gave the cashier the wrong money, but I was too tired to feel embarrassed or stupid.  I then had to wait just over an hour for the next 31 bus home.

However, on the bus ride back, a man kept laughing uncontrollably. I had my headphones on and music playing, but I’m convinced that I was his target.  I was too scared to look his direction and on the verge of tears.  I dropped one of my grocery bags like so idiot as I got off the bus, feeling humiliated and ugly, my worst insecurities validated by the outside world once again.  

I struggled carrying my bags back home, partly because I didn’t want to use my right arm, because that is where E noticed the muscles.  I got back around 11:45pm, took mg medication and fell sleep pretty quickly, as I was exhausted.  I cried myself to sleep over what happened on the bus and would’ve self-harmed if I’d had the energy.  I thought about S and how much I miss her.

The clinic won’t be open on Monday as it’s Memorial Day. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with myself.  I can’t usually face going to Boulder Coffee at weekends, because of the WRPs (weekend and evening people).   I still have no internet and no phone in my apartment.

I bumped into C at the clinic yesterday. She said she lost her phone and that’s why she hadn’t emailed me back.  I was feeling down and told her I would definitely consider going back on drugs.  She mentioned heroin, but I don’t want to go down that route just yet and I’m not sure if she was serious or not. I’ve got morning left to lose though.  I’m so ugly that people laugh at me on public transportation and I can’t find friends or find love.  I don’t see myself ever getting better, just older and uglier.  What’s the point in being sober when I’m slowly dying anyway?  Next time I see her I’m going to see what she can get.  Maybe escapism is the only way.  

I sent a long email to one of my brothers (the one I’m closest to) and he hasn’t responded.   I think he’s washed his hands of me completely, which I understand, given that he’s probably ashamed of me and embarrassed by me.   Perhaps he thinks I just used him.   I reached out to my mother too, but her response was cold and indifferent and I don’t know what to say to her.

I’ve already eaten my food quota for the day: 1 apple and a cup of coffee with soy milk.    If I haven’t lost any more weight by Tuesday or if my arm and shoulder musicales don’t start going away, I’m going to start purging food.   I can’t take this anymore; being a huge freak and a monster.  I’m not trying to kill myself by doing this, but that would definitely be an added bonus. I wish I could rid myself of my height too, so when I see the podiatrist I’m going to ask about getting the lower part of my legs amputated and my ugly feet replaced with prosthetics. Since the medication to help me breathe more easily trough my huge UGLY nose isn’t making any difference,  I hope I’ll be able to get a rhinoplasty. In the meantime, what I can control is what I eat.  When these muscles disappear maybe I’ll be able to resume a semi-normal diet again or maybe I’ll get lucky and die.

Who cares.

Sunday morning – depressed and ugly

Sunday morning and day 2 of the “diet”.  I already had my food intake for the day, which was an apple and a cup of coffee to counter the grogginess I feel due to my meds.  I gave the last of my food to E and she gave some of it to another resident.   I didn’t mind, because at least I know it’ll feed someone else and won’t go to waste.   I asked her to promise me that she wouldn’t tell anyone that I am essentially starving myself.  She kind of owes me one after she was the one who made the comment about my arm muscles that has triggered this, although I was highly self-conscious and disgusted by my arms before she said anything.  She just validated my insecurities, which is what ‘well meaning’ people seem to be great at doing lately.

I feel depressed, but this latest depressive spell has been lingering since Thursday, with no sign of shifting.  I tried hanging out with E yesterday, but after a while I started feeling too bad and went back to my apartment and crashed.  I just don’t feel like there’s any hope for me at all.  I’m wasting time and valuable resources by simply existing because I’m too afraid that if I attempt suicide, I’ll fail.

I don’t know what to do with myself today.  I don’t feel up to going to the coffee shop and I don’t have the head to sit and read my book.  I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom yesterday, as the scars from my surgery don’t hurt as much as they did.  I don’t feel like socializing with E as she tends to talk about her family a lot and her ex boyfriends and her experiences with girls. At least she has a family here.  I might try to take the bus to the grocery store this evening, when I know there won’t be many people out.  I’ll just buy more apples, green tea, soy milk, bran flakes and diet soda to swallow my medication.   I also need moisturizer to keep my uglyface hydrated as I have such horrible, ugly dry skin otherwise.  I don’t want to have to carry a lot because I need my ugly arm muscles to waste away.  

Hopefully the food cravings will go soon and will be replaced by tiredness and weakness.  Having much less energy won’t be a bad thing, because the energy  I have is restless energy. I can’t turn it into anything productive because I can’t even go out that much on my own.   Hopefully I’ll shrink back to a size 8 like I was 2 years ago and my ugly arm and shoulder muscles will waste away.    

I know I sound like a broken record….

** TRIGGER WARNING **

Day 1 of the diet and I’ve eaten all I’m going to eat all day – an apple.   I’ll keep drinking plenty of water. I have to do this in the hope that my ugly arms and shoulders will waste away and my stomach will return to its formerly flat state.  I hate food and what it’s done to me.
The community meeting last Thursday featured a discussion on peer-to-peer support and a monthly meet up group for residents and their “family and friends”.  I wish I hadn’t gone to the community meeting a all. I don’t have any family or friends here. And even if my family did live here, they wouldn’t go to something like that.  My mum has stopped talking to me since we fell out a month or so ago.  My dad just thinks I’m a pain in the ass and a drug addict. None of my half siblings talk to me and I have no desire to reach out to them.  Friends?   The only true friend I have left lives 2 states away.  The meeting just left me feeling even more lonely and worthless.  It’s part of the reason why I can’t shake off this latest depressive spell.  I will say that my family (including me) could have benefited from family therapy back when I was a child then teenager, but even if it were possible, it’s too late now. 

I keep wondering if I should email my mum, but I can’t get over how she not only refused to help me get back to the UK, but also tried to dissuade me from coming back at all.  At the time, my legal name change was in major doubt and I was terrified of losing my healthcare.  If I reach out to her, she will make me grovel and she will make me feel guilty.  I’m not sure if I can deal with that right now, but I feel like I quite literally have no one.  She will claim that I hate her and don’t care about her, which isn’t true.  I actually enjoyed staying with her last year and doing things with her, such as the day that we went to Lincoln together on the bus.  

I am not sure if hanging out with E is a good idea.   She doesn’t have a filter and she has already managed to trigger my dysphoria by “pointing out” my ugly muscular arms.  She only seems to want to talk about the people she’s slept with or dated and her family.  I keep thinking “At least you have a family and at least men find you attractive”.

This weekend is going to be extremely difficult.   I got rid of my food, so I can’t comfort eat.  I know the hunger will be tough for the first 2 days or so, then I’ll just start to feel tired and my appetite will lessen (based on past experience of starving myself).  At least having anxiety and weekend anxiety will make it impossible for me to go out and buy more food, even if I get tempted.  I want to avoid E and everyone else.  I don’t know what I’m going to do to kill time and take my mind off the boredom, loneliness and emptiness.  Self-harm is always an option, though I have to be careful not to get caught doing that.

I know that I sound like a broken record and I know that people are reading this blog and enjoying watching me suffer.  But I’ll say it again: I’m sick of being ugly, scared and alone.  I am grateful for the help I’ve received, but take that away and I’ve got nothing.   I’m never going to be happy as long as I’m trapped inside this disgusting body and tormented by my broken mind.  I’m done with trying to meet people here in Rochester (dating and friends) because they’ve all hurt / rejected me for being too ugly.

Thank you for reminding me how ugly and worthless I am 

J was just wasting my time.  The final straw was him complaining he’d had “no luck” ok OK Cupid and that he felt ugly and unwanted, meaning j has zero interest in me. Our email exchanges have been almost nothing but him telling me how miserable he is.  Once again, someone has left me feeling ugly and not good enough. I wasn’t looking to make “guy friends” or to be someone’s therapist.  

Every time I try to put myself out there and meet people, it always ends the same way….with me getting hurt and being reminded of the FACT that I am ugly and worthless.

I was dreading the weekend enough as it is, but the attempts  I’ve made to meet people over the past few weeks have left me feeling even more hopeless.  I’m never going to find anyone – not even friends.

I just want to give up.  I need to hurt myself…to punish myself for my appearance.

Complaint filed, but the damage has been done 

I filed a complaint this morning against the owner of the property and the company which the security guard works for.  I have also filed an official complaint with the New York State Department of Human Rights.  The lady I dealt with said that my complaint looked good and she got someone there to motorize it. I am willing to take this all the way to court.

I went out for the first time yesterday evening.  First I went to Boulder coffee shop, mainly because I needed $1 bills for the bus.  I then caught the bus to the nearby Wegmans supermarket and managed to grocery shop in peace around 10pm.   I caught the bus back just after 11pm, dropped my groceries back at my apartment then went for a run.

I’m not over what happened on Friday.  I haven’t even begun to address it, because it’s too painful. Ifs left me feeling uglier than ever.   I try to tell myself the misgendering was intentional, but it doesn’t stop the tsunami of dysphoria from hitting me.  I want those guards to be punished for what they did to me.  At the very least to prevent it from happening to anyone else, because they are blatantly targeting transgender women that they don’t like the look of. State laws signed in 2015 by The Governor prohibit such discrimination.  Had this happened in a red state, I’d have probably been screwed.  I want action taken against the companies involved so as to send a message that it is unacceptable.  

My hospital pre-admission testing appointment has been rescheduled for tomorrow morning.  I am talking to someone on OK Cupid who wants to meet me on Wednesday evening, but I’m not sure if I can face that and risk taking another hit to my already negative self-esteem.