The DMV was a painless experience

Well, all of my worrying about the DMV was nothing more than anticipatory anxiety. It was largely painless.  I now have a New York drivers license (albeit temporary until the proper one comes in the mail) with my correct name and gender.  I am now female New Yorker rather than a male Floridian, as far as state of residence goes.  I am very happy that finally my deadname is ‘dead’ and that this state is now my home.

It’s a beautiful day outside too. I wore one of the sundresses I bought a few weeks ago specifically for weather like this.  When I lived as a male, I hated summer, but now it’s my favorite time of year and I thrive in the heat.

The wifi is down at the clinic, so I’m not sure when I am going to be able to publish this. At least I can get internet at home now, once my SSD is in place.

A good day, despite yet another “date” gone wrong. I truly give up with dating. All it does is hurt me.

I can’t handle overbearing people 

Rochester’s climate is an asshole. My plan to sit outside for a few hours reading was ruined by a system of high winds.  The wind was so strong that it almost knocked me over and it blew my hairband right off my head, causing my ugly Spanish moss-like hair to blow in my face and tangle.  

I came back to the apartment building and sat in the lobby reading my book, largely undisturbed.  I spoke with the on call support worker who assured me that I shouldn’t take what happened yesterday as being seen as male, because E (the resident I spoke with) talks about that stuff with everyone.

I was quietly reading when the big , loud, gregarious guy that I’m wary of walked past and asked me if I was angry with him.  I nervously replied “no, why would I be angry with you?”  He said something about how I just walk past and don’t say much.  I don’t like using my voice and I didn’t feel like explaining it to him.   I’m just upset that once again, my shyness and reluctance to talk is perceived as me being rude or angry.  This is a problem I’ve always had with people and probably explains why a lot of people have disliked me in the past.  Just because he loves to talk to anyone that walks by, doesn’t mean that others are the same way.  

Needless to say, that guy makes me even more uncomfortable than he did before.  He has way too much masculine energy going on too, which also makes me uneasy.    I didn’t even feel comfortable talking to E, even after she offered me chocolate.  Even she left when the guy started talking to her about some stupid X-Men movie that she hadn’t seen (and he acted surprised that she hadn’t seen it).  I continued to ignore him before leaving. 

An earlier interaction also affected me, but not in the same way.   A guy I didn’t recognized said hello and I said hello back and asked how he was.  He said he didn’t speak to his family and had to eat canned spam for Easter dinner as he was out of food stamps.   He then asked me what I was doing fir Easter and I explained that I didn’t have friends or family here either.   “No boyfriend?” he then asked and I just shook my head, unable to hide my sadness, then he left.   

I think I should aim for finding a way to opt out of the human race and just live in a cabin deep in the woods.   Being around others is too painful.   I’m far more immersed with the characters in the book I’m reading than anyone in real life, except one person who I’ve never acdualy met, but has always been there for me for the last 3+ years.  I just wish we lived in the same city.  People line that are one in a trillion.  

Please stop telling me that you accept me and don’t judge me 

It’s going to be 75 today and tomorrow, so I’m going to walk over to the clinic and just read my book all day oh one of the benches outside.  I don’t want anyone to bother me today and hopefully they won’t.  I feel better about going out when I don’t have to bury myself in winter clothing that makes me look much bigger than I am.  

I made a vegetarian (bean) chili as I had some leftover vegetables that needed using up.   I will have to freeze most of it, although I need to figure out what to do with the pasta sauce I made last week and froze, as I’m out of storage containers.   I feel so bloated and disgusting that I’m want to drastically cut down on eating.  I don’t know if it’s hormones or just nasty weight gain, but jeans that fit me 2 years ago with some room to spare are now tight.  I have a pair of jean shorts I bought around the same time that don’t fit me at all anymore.  I don’t want to gain weight and be tall. I hate my height and I’m don’t want to get big., as it would be something else to loathe about myself.

I’ve written about this countless times before, but I’m sick and tired of people telling me they accept me and don’t judge me.  In doing so, they’re reminding me of how much of a freak that I am, which is something I try so hard to forget whenever I go out.   People don’t NEED to tell me that. If someone has been talking to me and I didn’t get bad vibes, I will assume that the trans thing isn’t an issue anyway, else why would they talk to me?  Those who don’t accept me simply won’t talk to me or will harass me. I strongly believe that people do it because they want to make themselves feel like they did some sort of ‘good deed’ by proving to a total freak that they accept them and don’t judge them.   Believe me when I say that I’m tired of hearing about acceptance and there’s nothing about me that anyone should judge or needs to judge.  The next time this happens, I’m going to try and get past my anxiety and set someone straight, even if I have to be rude about it.  We don’t usually tell people of different skin color or ethnicity or disabled people “I accept you” or “I don’t judge you”. To do so would be extremely offensive to that person.

I hate being transgender.   

Yet another night of insufficient sleep and a painful dream that I’d rather not go into.   I woke up feeling nauseous.  I don’t think Seroquel is the right medication for me.   It knocks me out, but it doesn’t help me stay asleep and I wake up feeling like I’ve been hit by a freight train.  When I see my psychiatrist next week, I’m going to ask to switch to something else.  I lay in bed awake for hours, tormented by my usual thoughts:

“You’re ugly”
“No one will ever want you”
“You’re a freak”
“You’re worthless”
“Kill yourself”

I also relive bad experiences and go over and over what was said to me and I take it in the worst possible way.    I worry about the future and how  I’ll never be able to find a job or find love.

I accept that I cannot live alone, but even with that in mind, it’s a situation that is forced on me because of factors beyond my control.  Sometimes I need to be alone, but my need to socialize is greater. It’s not that I can’t take care of myself as far as cooking, cleaning, managing money and personal hygiene is concerned.  I just hate my own company, because it forces me to think and there’s little or no way of distracting myself from such overpowering thoughts.

I was actually starting to get better when I lived with my mum for 2 months last year and also with the host family for 6 weeks or so back in 2015.  While I sometimes chose to stay in my room, it was a great comfort to know that I could get away from myself whenever I needed to.  I didn’t need as much support, as far as mental health professionals go.  Though of course, life in the UK was considerably easier as my name and gender were legally changed back in January 2015, so there was never any risk of that ugly deadname ever coming up.

I was informed yesterday that Frontier are now offering internet, telephone and cable at this building.   Unfortunately, I cannot sign up for it until I’ve got the court order to change my name with Social Security. As badly as I want (need( the internet at home,  I’m not willing to open an account in the deadname.  I don’t even want to see that name on a bill.   

If the weather here didn’t keep turning cold again,  I’d be able to go out and sit outside the clinic and use their wifi in the evening and at night, but temperatures of less than 45 degrees will kill my phone battery within 10 minutes of usage.   Winters in Western New York are not only colder and more snowy than I’ve ever experienced, but are also very long.  It’s already mid April and it still gets colder here than than most parts of the UK in January.  It’s tolerable in sunny weather during the day, as long as there’s little or no wind.  But the wind can make it feel 20 degrees colder than it actually is and makes it impossible to stand still for more than a minute or so.

I committed myself to attending a cooking group at 11:30 this morning, even though I don’t need to learn how to cook. I hope the guy that talks too much and too loudly won’t be there.   He makes me feel very uncomfortable and stopped saying hello to me just because I can’t always respond.  I hope I won’t be asked to do anything, because I am too clumsy and liable to drop or break something, especially if there’s an audience.  

The cute young guy with the ginger beard hair who I assumed hated me held the door for me yesterday and asked how I was.  Now I see that he probably just has social anxiety, as I do.   People who I find attractive often make me nervous.  I know I’d have absolutely no chance with him and he’s pretty short, which would make it difficult because of how much I loathe my height.

Loneliness is destructive 

Once again, I slept poorly. I did try my hardest to stay up as late as I could, but as I sat in the empty ground floor common room alone,  I started feeling extremely depressed and I had to call it a night just before 9pm.  I couldn’t go out to use the internet because it was pouring with rain.   To make matters worse, it’s snowing now and even colder. Rochester’s weather is definitely trying to make my life as difficult as it possibly can.  The weather is always at its worst at evenings and weekends, which is when I need to get online.  While I waited for the Seroquel to kick in, I tried to listen to the local alternative station, but they keep playing the same songs that I can’t stand over and over again, from god-awful overrated bands such as Imagine Dragons and some other stupid band called Catfish And The Bottlemen.   I don’t know what happened to music, but it’s a lost cause.

I had a nightmare involving S and one of my old cats that died 10 years ago.   I don’t remember much about it, but it was enough to upset me.   I woke up just after 2am, in pain from lumbar spinal stenosis and unable to get back to sleep.   I can’t do anything about the spinal stenosis until my name is changed.   I’ve had it for most of my adult life, but it only hurts when I am lying down or sat down in one position for too long and it’s not degenerative.

I went to the biweekly community meeting, but it was pointless.  I felt severely awkward and anxious throughout and didn’t say anything.   The property manager isn’t getting wifi for the building and even if the building was cable ready, I wouldn’t be able to afford it.   I don’t understand why they can’t just provide wifi for the entire building, especially as many residents (including me) would pay a contribution towards it that would most likely cover the costs of buying a few routers and a new server.   I have no internet and no phone.   If I ever need to contact someone when I’m in my apartment, I won’t be able to. It’s going to be bitterly cold on Saturday, which is going to make the weekend even more lonely and unbearable.

I’ve pretty much written off my chances of making a friend in this community.   I don’t feel comfortable or safe here yet and I can’t see anything changing in that sense.  I’ve been here 6 weeks now and if anything,  I’ve only become more reclusive and more afraid of people.  The staff here are nice enough, but I don’t like to keep bothering them.  I do not feel comfortable with going to the groups or activities they have here.   I need help with going out, such as someone accompanying me to shops that I’ve never been to before, cafes, gyms, libraries and someone to come with me on the buses here, which I’m scared to use on my own.   They do have group shopping trips, but they always seem to clash with my medical or care management appointments and I miss out.  It’s never certain that I’ll feel confident enough on any given day to go grocery shopping alone on the bus.

I don’t know what to do anymore.  I feel no less lonely and isolated than I did at the motel.  At least I had the internet there and never needed to go out at weekends or evenings.  Loneliness is a major catalyst as far as my suicidal ideation is concerned.  It makes me hate myself that much more and validates all of my insecurities.   It robs me of any slither of motivation that I have to try to get better, because I ask myself “What’s the point, when I’m going to be alone forever?” .

While at the clinic yesterday afternoon, one of the other clients there did engage me.  He’s a veteran and he was at the nutrition group I went to. He was doing most of the talking, but I didn’t mind.  When I told him about how I got harassed by 3 men last Saturday evening at a local Family Dollar, he said he’d have stood up for me if he’d been there.  I didn’t doubt him for one second.  Those stupid thug bullies would be no match for a combat veteran.  I found myself wishing that I had a boyfriend like that, or just a friend willing to protect me.  It would make an enormous difference, put it that way.   I feel guilty and weak for having PTSD at all, because I’ve never been in combat or seen anyone die.   My PTSD was caused by things that many people go through and just deal with.  My triggers would sound ridiculous to someone that had been in combat.   And before you silently ask yourself  “She talked to that person, so why can’t she talk to others?”, bear in mind that it was only him and I in the care management waiting room and it’s a very controlled and safe environment.    Had he enagaged me when other people were around, I would’ve shut down and politely walked away. 

My existence has become nothing more than an endless series of gauntlets, obstacles, bad surprises and setbacks.  I live in fear of what might happen next and I don’t like to think about the future. I’m tired of being so alone and so ugly.  

Retail therapy

Despite the struggle as far as not being able to carry as much as I used to, I got my main weekly grocery shopping done.  The bus ride was a bit stressful on the way back.  I had to stop several  times on the way from the bus stop to my apartment building, because the bags were too heavy.  I had to endure the embarrassment of getting whistled at by 2 old-ish guys sitting on a wall as I dropped 2 of my bags.

I noticed a little hole in one of my Vans shoes.  I loved those shoes, but they lasted me over 3 years, so I got my money’s worth out of them.   I just bought a pair of pink Converse on eBay, which I’ll most likely receive early next week.  I also bought a spaghetti strap dress and some bracelets.

Aside from grocery shopping, I’ve been at the clinic most of the day.  The care management side is quieter than usual, so I got to use the desktop computer.  I’m going to read when I get back home, even though I find the story a little too triggering, as it touches on loneliness.

I’ve not had much luck on OK Cupid yet, but I’ve had a ton of likes and matches.  I don’t message anyone first, for fear of abuse.  The messages I’ve received so far have mostly been from weirdos, or people who remember me from my old OK Cupid profile, because Rochester is like a small town in that sense.

I feel okay-ish at the moment, although I know it won’t last.  The weekend is fast approaching and I know the loneliness is going to ht me like a ton of bricks.

Saturday morning: loneliness and self-loathing 

The abdominal pains never fully came back, although i still don’t feel quite right.  I woke up not that long ago after having a nightmare about my (former) stepdad. He was threatening me and putting me down, which is something he sometimes did.  I haven’t seen him in 20 years and he can go to hell for what he did to me and to my mother.  

I’ve started reading another book called Safe Haven.  I think it might be a bit too triggery though, as it is set in this era and already it is reminding me of what I’m missing out, what I’ll never have and what I’ll never be.

I wasn’t at the clinic for long yesterday. I couldn’t find anywhere quiet to sit, as it was too chaotic in care management.  One of the staff who I often see there came and hugged me and sat by me for a bit.  He’s cute and is always nice to me, but I know it’s just what he’s paid to do and I never know what to say to him.  Then a woman I’d spoken to before asked me if I had a boyfriend yet and that made me feel worse. Why would I?  I’m too ugly for that. She asked me the same question 2 weeks ago.   

I feel incredibly lonely right now and the weekend has barely started.  I can’t wait until the weekend is over and all the WEPs (Weekend and Evening People) go back to work and school so that I don’t feel trapped inside my apartment. WEP’s give me the most anxiety and also remind me of what I’m missing out on: a normal life complete with love, a family, a career and at least looking normal, rather than a tall, ugly freak.  WEP’s are also a greater threat as far as potential harassment goes.  I’ve felt the same about them even before I transitioned. I could deal with them when I had a partner and we’d go to the movies or to a restaurant.  I didn’t feel as self-conscious because I blended in back then and aside from my ugliness, there was little about me that made me stand out.

Rochester’s weather is making my life very difficult, as fab as getting out is concerned.  It’s not much warmer than it was during the snowstorm 2 weeks ago, but now it’s raining non-stop.  I worry that the makeup I plaster on my ugly face will get ruined by walking in the rain for more than a few minutes.  That is the last thing I want, because I’m self-conscious enough as it is about my hideous appearance.  Winters here are much harsher than my native UK.  While London has been enjoying spring temperatures for a month, there’s no sign of spring here yet.  Summer had better be good.  I’m so sick of being indoors. And having to wear clothing that makes me look big as well as tall when I go out.  

I tried to stand outside the clinic to use the wifi last night, but the rain was coming down and my fingers were too cold and numb to type anything. I couldn’t go anywhere else, especially on a Friday night.  As I was standing there, the sound of cars beeping and speeding and rowdy people hollering was making me extremely anxious.  I turned my uglyface to the wall, so that none of the rowdy WEP’s would see it.   I’m sure I look suspicious standing there and I hope that I don’t get told to leave, back to my apartment where I am completely cut off from the world.

I keep seeing a wifi network pop up on my non-phone that the staff use, but no one knows the password.   I don’t know why they can’t just provide wifi for the residents. I’d be willing to contribute for it, as would others.  Most of us can’t afford cable or the installation fees they charge. I don’t have a phone and I can’t get one until Social Security change my name.  I can’t stand feeling cut off during the times when I feel the most lonely and isolated.

Anyway, I’m going to boil my usual 2 eggs for breakfast and head over to the pharmacy side of the clinic for a few hours.   It’s open today until noon, so I need to make the most of that.   I don’t know what I’ll do for the rest of the day.  My head feels too scrambled to read and m.y stomach feels too fragile to exercise.  I’m running out of food, but I can’t go grocery shopping until I get paid on Wednesday.