Possible reasons why my anxiety has worsened significantly

I believe these are either all or most of the reasons why my anxiety has worsened significantly over the last few months:

  1. Living alone: I’ve noticed a pattern in my life that whenever I’ve had to live alone, I’ve become more detached from the world and more agoraphobic. For the vast majority of my life, I’ve lived with parents, friends, partners or roommates. Whenever I’ve had to live alone, it’s always ended badly. I need a friend-roommate type living arrangement.
  2. Drop in estrogen levels: For whatever reason, my estrogen levels have dropped to the 150’s since I’ve been here. My usual levels were in the 500-700 range. I am on the same dosage, but a different brand from the one I was taking in the UK. I’m wondering if the drop correlates with my anxiety getting worse.
  3. Orchiectomy: My last lab results showed higher than usual testosterone levels post-orchiectomy. Since starting HRT, my levels have been untraceable to 10-15. At the last count, it was 150-something. Apparently this is normal as it’s a “dump” of whatever testosterone was in my system, but the effect on my mental health has been drastic, plus my body just feels different (not in s good way).
  4. Bad experiences in Rochester: A lot of bad things have happened to me since I arrived here almost a year ago. This includes harassment, losing friends, money issues, social isolation and unwanted approaches and other intrusions. As a result, I am overly afraid of people here.
  5. Change in psych medication: There’s a possibility that the medication I’m on now versus a year ago is not only not helping me, but is actually making my symptoms worse. I need to get off Seroquel, because I know that it’s working against me, even though it puts me to sleep.
  6. Worsening dysphoria: the harassment, rejection, social isolation and comments from others has made matters worse as far as my dysphoria is concerned. And dysphoria is a catalyst for depression, self-hatred and the kind ld anxiety that makes me unable to leave my apartment.

I feel disgusting, scared and dysphoric 

I’ve been in a major funk since I woke up at 2am. I did manage to leave my apartment, albeit just to take out the trash.  Where I differ from many other people who struggle work mental illness is that I have never had a problem maintaining cleanliness. Unfortunately that makes me look more functional, which works against me.

My dysphoria is as he as its ever been at any point in my life. I’ve been on a downward slide as far as dysphoria is concerned since the security guard harassed and misgendered me over 6 weeks ago.  Also, I believe my hormone levels are still off post-orchiectomy.  At my last count 2 weeks ago, my testosterone level was 150-something – higher than it’s been since I started blockers back in August 2013.  The nurse practitioner said it’s perfectly normal after such a procedure and that it’ll disappear from my bloodstream.  However, I feel disgusting. My hair feels greasy even though I wash it daily. I smell different and my depression is becoming quite the monster.   I started taking the locker again, but my body isn’t producing testosterone, but why do I feel so nasty?  How long is it supposed to take to pass through my system? This is stressing me out so badly and just adding to my dysphoria.  My anxiety is severe and I’m hyper-sensitive to sound and light.  I feel like it has to be that poison….testosterone.  

I can’t fade going to the transgender group tomorrow – not in this frame of mind. I wish I knew what was going on with my body.  I don’t feel well at all. I wish I had a friend here or just someone I could go to. But loneliness is a lesser worry right now.

I’m going to have to do what I haven’t done for over 14 years because there’s simply no other way.      I don’t want to think or feel anymore.  

The pathetic ramblings of an ugly-ass freak 

I don’t know wheee to begin, so I’ll start by saying “I don’t know where to begin”….

I saw my therapist today and I expressed that I wanted to get everyone ok the same page as far as my needs are concerned. I need help getting out in the community, as I’m stagnant at the moment and if anything, I’m getting worse.

For some reason, DHS decided to deactivate the new EBT card that they only just sent me last week and are sending a new one.  The problem is I’m now unable to use my food stamps and I’m going to struggle until the new card arrives.  I’m not eating much at the moment anyway and this is essentially giving me an excuse to sink into full blown anorexia.

I’m supposed to be meeting someone tomorrow who replied to my (desperate) ad I placed in the Craigslist personals “missed connections” section.  He isn’t a missed connection, just someone that replied and wants to meet me. I’m sure he won’t like me in person, just like everyone else.    I look uglier in person than I do in pictures and my nasty male sounding voice would be enough to put anyone off.  I realize it’s a massive risk, but my self-esteem is so non-existent anyway that there’s little left to break.

I don’t think I can go any further with the complaint I filed with the New York Division of Human Rights against the security guard that harassed me, twice.  It’s the landlord of the building that I’ve filed a complaint against and their rebuttals are hurting me as far as my gender identity is concerned and they clearly have legal representation.   I didn’t even read the letter I received from them today, because I know it would trigger me to do so.  They claim they had no way of knowing my “preferred pronouns” and that I wasn’t presenting female, which is a lie.  They also claim that the security guard had not spoken to me before the second time he harassed me for “loitering” which is also a lie (first incident of harassment).  It’s too much for me to deal with right now and I’m not strong enough to risk being hit by the tidal wave of dysphoria that pursuing the complaint will most likely subject me to.  I’m extremely upset that others have witnessed this particular guard harassing other people and have told me he’s an asshole, but no one is willing to put their name to it in the form of a statement that might help my cause greatly.   I hate the fact that being transgender gives people a deadly weapon against me and has robbed me of my ability to fight.

I feel so disgusting and ugly, even more so than usual.    I’m paranoid that my testosterone count is still higher than it should be, or that my body is somehow still producing it despite having an orchiectomy and despite having prior counts done that were either extremely low or untraceable as far as the poison is concerned.


I weighed myself at the clinic and I’m still at 161lbs.  I was hoping that I’d stopped a few more pounds,,but being the fat ugly giant freak that I am, I’ve gained instead.  Since I’m unable to boy any any food, I should lose quite a few pounds over the next few days.  My arms are still fucking ugly and I still see muscle that should not be there.

I’m sure M (my missed connection from last summer) has had second thoughts about meeting me in person.  I haven’t heard from her and I don’t expect to. Maybe she just pitied me, which is what people do to me a lot.  She’s far too intelligent and far too attractive to lower herself to associate with someone as pathetic and as ugly as me.  I enjoyed the online interaction with her and I’m glad that I at least got the chance to apologize to her for being so fucking socially awkward when she approached me at the Wegmans supermarket last summer.  She’s too good for me, either as a friend or a potential girlfriend.

I cleaned my apartment this evening mainly out of boredom and just in case the guy I’m meeting tomorrow doesn’t hate me in person and wants to see my place.

I’m tired of being a prisoner.   I can only go certain places at certain times.  I wish there was support and solace in the transgender community, but every time I reach out to it, it just causes me too much pain and dysphoria.  I felt like the ugliest person at the transgender group I went to on Monday.  The support worker who took me is eager for me to go back next Monday.  I would only go for the sake of making a friend, but I doubt anyone there would want to be friends with me and I’d just embarrass myself if I tried to reach out.

More rejection to come tomorrow….it’s so great to be me!

Unusually high testosterone after lab count post-orchiectomy (worried) 

I’m rather worried about my last count. For some reason, my testosterone level was high (150-something) even though I had an orchiectomy done back at the beginning of May, so I shouldn’t be producing any testosterone (or no more than a cisgender woman or post-op transgender woman). The nurse said it was perfectly normal and that eventually I’ll return to almost untraceable levels of testosterone that I had before, when I was still taking blockers.

But I’m worried. I don’t like the notion of having that much testosterone in my bloodstream. I feel extra-dysphoric and have started taking blockers again because now I’m paranoid that my body has a secret source of testosterone or is somehow still able to produce it. It also explains why my libido has been slightly higher than usual.

I’m worried.