“Don’t be a man in a dress”

I spent several hours at Boulder Cafe nearby yesterday, but I left around 5:30pm, when it started getting busy.

I wish I hadn’t opened the letter from the New York Division Of Human Rights.  It’s obvious that I cannot win and it has caused more dysphoria on top of the dysphoria I’m already (not) dealing with. I should’ve just left it and not complained at all.    They’re clearly not going to take any action and are only concerned with covering their own asses, rather than just apologizing for the panic attack and psychotic episode caused that Friday morning.    I’m not even safe in a state or country with good anti-discrimination laws.   Such laws are useless if they’re never going to be enforced.  According to this I’m nothing but a loiterer and I look male. You might as well just put a billet in my head:


The realist is that much of this is a lie. I was presenting female.   I had makeup on and was carrying a purse.  When the 2nd guard saw me, my head was covered up too. I truly wish I’d just stayed quiet now, because this is only hurting me more and nothing positive will come out of it that will benefit anyone else unfortunate enough to be in my position.   Assholes get away with being assholes in this society.  Look no further than the piece of shit sitting in the White House for proof of that.

It’s time for me to quit. It’s been time for me to quit for the last few years, especially after losing S and with my mental health declining to the point that I can no longer function in society. I avoid the news, but I keep hearing scary rumors on the grapevine that many of us are going to lose our healthcare soon.  I almost want it to happen to me, because that will be a sure-fire catalyst to force me to take my own life. I don’t have a future anyway,

I stopped reading my book Nightwalker, by Heather Graham at the part after the second killing took place.  The guy was roughly my age and he was killed in what the cops initially described as a “hit and run”, but it was actually a murder. This is the excerpt from the book that has added further fuel to the fire of my suicidal ideation:


I wouldn’t jump in front of a car or truck, unless one happened to be deliberately trying to mow me down.  It would be too dangerous to the driver and would traumatized him or her. But I would pick a much larger and much more fast moving object as my “way out”.  I’m not going into any more depth beyond saying I’ve have the “how and where” planned for several months. “When” is the only variable.  But to go into any further detail on a public blog would be foolish in my part.   I just know that it’s my destiny and it comforts me to know that the one element of control over my existence that I have left is that I can quit at any time.  But the paragraph is how I envisage my own death…painless and so quick that I won’t have time for a dying thought or to have to see my pathetic life flash by me, thus denying my mind one final opportunity to torment me.  

I’m not seeking attention or for anyone to save me.  This blog is a place of unfiltered honesty and I’m just expressing how I feel.  I don’t want any pity or sympathy for that represents validation of my insecurities.  I feel like I’ve not only failed at life, but failed at transition too. I tried to kill myself right before coming out as transgender for the final time, because I knew it wouldn’t work. And something my former transgender “mentor” named Jennifer told me has stuck with me:

“Don’t be a man in a dress”.

A friend of mine blasted her for saying it, but she’s right.  Transgender people are not cross-dressers, so what’s the point in presenting female when people still see you as male?  You are just setting yourself up for abuse, harassment, loneliness and being ostracized from the human race.  Caitlyn Jenner was right too when she said something along the lines of “looking like a man in a dress makes people uncomfortable”.  I can’t stand her, but she makes a good point. Passing isn’t about winning beauty contests and it’s not a pissing contest. It’s about safety.  The more you blend in, the easier your life and transition will be. And in my case, I thought I was doing relatively okay until the incident with those security guards and prior to the rejections I’ve been getting during my attempts at dating.

Now I feel like nothing more than a man in a dress. And that is the reason why I want to kill myself; not because of “haters” and not because of the fact that I’ve failed at life and that part of my depression is due to a chemical imbalance.  I want to die because I know that it’ll only get worse as I get older and uglier and even less relevant as a human being.   I want to die because I am burning with envy of people who represent what I’ll never have and who I’ll never be.  I want to die because fighting back is pointless and I don’t have the energy.  I want to die because I’m a burden to the system and someone with better genetics and a will to live could get the help that I’m getting and actually benefit from it.

Not long now, I promise.   I hope you’re enjoying witnessing my demise, although I put myself out there in the hope that someday someone with the power to change things for the better will read this and use it to help others.  No one should have to exist like this. I wouldn’t wish my life on my worst enemy.

Anyway, since the clinic is closed and I have no internet at home, I have to walk to the coffee shop while not feeling mentally well or strong enough to be in the outside world.   I will pray to god for peace and protection and to be left alone.  I can’t handle any more ‘scares’.  The coffee shop itself is safe, but walking to and from there never feels safe at all.   I will be wearing headphones to drown out all sound and sunglasses to dim the world and avoid eye contact.   

Sunday morning – depressed and ugly

Sunday morning and day 2 of the “diet”.  I already had my food intake for the day, which was an apple and a cup of coffee to counter the grogginess I feel due to my meds.  I gave the last of my food to E and she gave some of it to another resident.   I didn’t mind, because at least I know it’ll feed someone else and won’t go to waste.   I asked her to promise me that she wouldn’t tell anyone that I am essentially starving myself.  She kind of owes me one after she was the one who made the comment about my arm muscles that has triggered this, although I was highly self-conscious and disgusted by my arms before she said anything.  She just validated my insecurities, which is what ‘well meaning’ people seem to be great at doing lately.

I feel depressed, but this latest depressive spell has been lingering since Thursday, with no sign of shifting.  I tried hanging out with E yesterday, but after a while I started feeling too bad and went back to my apartment and crashed.  I just don’t feel like there’s any hope for me at all.  I’m wasting time and valuable resources by simply existing because I’m too afraid that if I attempt suicide, I’ll fail.

I don’t know what to do with myself today.  I don’t feel up to going to the coffee shop and I don’t have the head to sit and read my book.  I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom yesterday, as the scars from my surgery don’t hurt as much as they did.  I don’t feel like socializing with E as she tends to talk about her family a lot and her ex boyfriends and her experiences with girls. At least she has a family here.  I might try to take the bus to the grocery store this evening, when I know there won’t be many people out.  I’ll just buy more apples, green tea, soy milk, bran flakes and diet soda to swallow my medication.   I also need moisturizer to keep my uglyface hydrated as I have such horrible, ugly dry skin otherwise.  I don’t want to have to carry a lot because I need my ugly arm muscles to waste away.  

Hopefully the food cravings will go soon and will be replaced by tiredness and weakness.  Having much less energy won’t be a bad thing, because the energy  I have is restless energy. I can’t turn it into anything productive because I can’t even go out that much on my own.   Hopefully I’ll shrink back to a size 8 like I was 2 years ago and my ugly arm and shoulder muscles will waste away.    

“Blow Up The Outside World” 

I had a bad dream last night that involved one of my younger brothers becoming a parent and my jealousy and envy of them.  I know most people probably wouldn’t understand why such a thing would cause me pain, but I have always felt inferior to my 2 younger half brothers.  They are normal, successful, married and not afflicted with the ugly gene that has ruined my life.

The dream plus my dysphoria has left me feeling extremely low. It was a challenge to even get out of bed this morning and take a shower, but I cannot be in my apartment for too long as I am quite literally “cut off” from the outside world.

Chris Cornell’s death is really affecting me.  I listened to an hour long tribute to his life and music on the radio last night on the Nikki Sixx show.  I knew Chris suffered from depression, but I never thought that he’d take his own life or die before his time like many of the other tortured grunge era musicians.    I also thought of an (almost) ex girlfriend of mine who was utterly obsessed with Soundgarden and Chris Cornell. She must be devastated.

I feel utterly burned out for some reason. I think I did too much socializing yesterday.  I think my dysphoria is getting the better of me.   Too much “outside world” exposure and rejection have done a number on me. I’ve given up on the idea of dating and ever becoming functional. I’ve largely given up on myself too.  It’s a permeating sense of defeat that is only going to continue to eat away at me until I can no longer take it.

I’m going to starve myself after I’ve used the food I have left.   I feel like a bloated, huge ugly monster.   I still have too much muscle in my upper arms and shoulders, despite being on HRT for over 3 1/2 years and not producing teaosterone.  If I starve myself, I’ll waste away.   It’ll make me sick, but I don’t care.   I’m disgusted by my body and by food.  I wanted to put a bullet in my head when E noticed the muscle in my right arm.   

I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and the feeling is only getting more intense as I get older.  Society has changed, I have no love in my life and most of my idols are dead.  I can’t even look at the news anymore because it scares me to death.  I feel like I’m just waiting to die.

Thank you for reminding me how ugly and worthless I am 

J was just wasting my time.  The final straw was him complaining he’d had “no luck” ok OK Cupid and that he felt ugly and unwanted, meaning j has zero interest in me. Our email exchanges have been almost nothing but him telling me how miserable he is.  Once again, someone has left me feeling ugly and not good enough. I wasn’t looking to make “guy friends” or to be someone’s therapist.  

Every time I try to put myself out there and meet people, it always ends the same way….with me getting hurt and being reminded of the FACT that I am ugly and worthless.

I was dreading the weekend enough as it is, but the attempts  I’ve made to meet people over the past few weeks have left me feeling even more hopeless.  I’m never going to find anyone – not even friends.

I just want to give up.  I need to hurt myself…to punish myself for my appearance.

Woke up with a crushing sense of doom and despair 

I don’t even feel like leaving my apartment today, but I have to, otherwise I’ll be consumed by thoughts.  I don’t see my therapist until tomorrow morning, but I need to talk about the possibility of losing my health insurance and what that means and how long I’m likely to have to be able to prepare to return to the UK.

I don’t belong in the UK, but I don’t belong here either, especially not now.  I’m not afraid of death itself, but the thought of taking my own life by the method that I’ve chosen is terrifying. It’s easy to imagine how quick and painless it’d most likely be, but what if something goes wrong and I’m still alive, but seriously injured?  I’ve experienced suicidal ideation since childhood, but now it is becoming something I have to do, not just want to do.  I’ve never had much in the way of control over my life, but now I feel like my life is completely out of my hands.

I can’t go back to being what I was: male.  While I wish that I’d tried to find alternatives to transition several years ago, it’s too late now. I had accepted that this is who I am and what I’m stuck with, because it makes day-to-day life slightly more bearable than before.  Transition is the sole reason why I’m still here, as difficult and as painless as it is.

When will I be able to focus on what I need to do in order to get better? It’s always one major issue to worry about or several at the same time.  I wish I’d never read that news article about the healthcare bill.  Now I’m worried that the axe will fall on me at any time.  I don’t have money to return to the UK,  if it comes down to that. But I can’t stay here with no healthcare either.  There IS only one other way. God, please give me the strength to do it.

Silently freaking out….

I hung out with E last night until around 11:30, when we both got tired.  We talked about a lot of stuff and vented. I then stayed up until around 2:30am because I couldn’t get to sleep and someone (either next door or the apartment below me) was playing extremely loud music with bass.  I fell into a pretty deep coma though and didn’t wake up until after 7am, which is unusual for me.

J (the guy that I met last weekend) emailed me yesterday, totally out of the blue.  He thought that I didn’t like him, but i assumed that too, hence I deleted my OK Cupid account and left him my personal email just in case.  I’m seeing him again later today at the coffee shop I usually go to. I was going to go there anyway today because I’m in less pain and discomfort from the surgery last week and I can almost walk at my normal pace.  I’m scared to get involved with someone because I might have to leave if I were to have to face losing my health insurance.

I’m silently freaking out about the possibility of losing my health insurance and healthcare.  I hope that the healthcare bill doesn’t pass the Senate and become law.  It is literally discriminatory against transgender people and designed to hurt us.  It makes me wonder why many of those in power (Paul Ryan for example) are so damn sadistic and cruel.   Are they that miserable with their highly privileged lives that they need to hurt people who are already marginalized and struggling?  Many transgender people are poor and suffer from mental illness.  It is far more difficult for us to get jobs and be self sufficient.  Yet the same politicians and regular people that want to remove our healthcare also want to remove any laws that protect us from discrimination, making it even harder to find jobs, housing and safety.  And this isn’t about “cost”. Transgender people still make up a small fraction of the overall population.  Removing our healthcare won’t save money in the long run, but it will lead to more transgender suicides.

I’m sure that I’m not the only one hanging on by a thread.  I know that I probably come across as transphobic at times and I have had many bad experiences with transgender individuals.  But that doesn’t mean that I don’t care or don’t worry about the transgender population, because I do.  Even if I weren’t transgender myself, I would be upset and angry about the healthcare bill . I don’t like to see people made to suffer any more than they already are.

Even if the healthcare bill doesn’t pass in the Senate this time around, an amended version of it will eventually become law, maybe the second or third time around.    I still believe that nothing will change as far as the anti-transgender element.  Most politicians (even Democrats) don’t give a damn about transgender people and at best, see us as an unimportant small minority.  When it becomes law, I see no other choice but to either leave or take my own life.   If it comes down to taking my own life, I hope that it will serve as a statement that transgender people are still people and that we are tired of being made to suffer for “being ourselves”

I wish I’d never seen the news, to be honest.   There’s nothing that I can do about any of this.   My life is quite literally out of my hands.  

Facing the very likely prospect of losing my health insurance and healthcare 

I’m trying to be strong in facing the very real prospect that I may lose my healthcare, but it isn’t working.  I had to take 5 Seroquel just to fall asleep.  I had a dream in which I was in Paris and trying to find S, because she was in trouble.  I woke up in tears.

Trump’s healthcare bill probably won’t pass the Senate, but knowing my (awful) luck, it will.  When I lose my health insurance then my healthcare, the only prescription I’ll be able to pay for is my estrogen.  Having just had an orchiectomy, I don’t need to take blockers anymore and I can live without progesterone.  I’ll cut down from 8mg a day to 4mg a day of estrogen, which I should be able to pay for out of pocket, though I won’t be able to afford internet access at home.  Because I’ve had the orchiectomy done and I’ve got the court order to change my name, Trump can’t ruin my transition unless I’m forced to use my old name and tied down and forced to take testosterone shots.

But even though my transition is relatively safe, I’m still in big trouble…

I take 4 different psych meds, 2 of which I know have been having positive effects.  I would most likely have to go cold turkey on all of them. I see a therapist once a week and I’d imagine that won’t be possible anymore.  I will lose all of the help and advocacy I get through care management too, because that is also currently covered by Medicaid.    I may even lose the limited support that I get at my treatment housing.

What terrifies me is that I’m going to be completely “on my own”.   I have no family or friends in this city or even in this state.  I can barely do anything on my own in the outside world here beyond what I’m doing now (and even that is often too much).  I will have to go to so many potentially triggering and even unsafe places on my own and I don’t see how that will even be possible.  I’ve had too many bad experiences in this city as it is, even when here have been people literally holding my hand to support me.    I will be reliant on the bus system here, which I’ve barely been able to use, except for one route and only at certain times.

A friend online told me I should “prepare for the worst” and contact my family in the UK to help me make plans to leave, if the healthcare bill passes.  In the past, my online friends had been urging me to stay despite the election result, but now the same friends are completely silent.  I stopped talking to my mum last month, because she wouldn’t help me return to the UK before when it looked unlikely that I’d be able to change my legal name. I certainty can’t ask her, because I already know the answer.  As for my dad, he thinks that I only contact him when I need money, so I can’t contact him either.  I’m sure both of my parents are aware of what’s happening in the news here in the US and they must know that the healthcare bill will be devastating for me and countless others like me, if it becomes law.  I have no other family in the UK. I have a friend that said she’s willing to let me stay with her and her husband.   However, I don’t have enough money to pay for the cost of getting there or supporting myself for long enough until I can find a job that I can do or be eligible for public assistance, which I’d have to wait 3 months for due to ‘habitual residency’ rules.  I’m in deep shit this time though and it isn’t just me ‘over thinking’.  This could become law and it could happen very quickly.   I can almost hear my family say “Well, you chose to go back to America“.   If they’re even thinking about it having seen the news, I’m pretty sure that’s what they’d still say to me, but I already know that I fucked up and that it was a terrible decision on my part.  Because despite the help I’ve received, I’ve had so many bad experiences since I arrived last July, including losing the friend that encouraged me to come back to Rochester in the first place.   I didn’t think that it would all turn to shit less than a year later.   The only major ‘positive’ is that I got the orchiectomy and I got my name changed.   I’d never have got an orchiectomy on the British NHS.  I would’ve had to wait 2-3 years for SRS before my body would no longer be producing testosterone.    I still want full SRS, but there is no longer any urgency.   

Even if I could return to the UK tomorrow, it would be heartbreaking, given the fact that I’ve gone through so much and have finally got a court order to change my name and begin my life.    I had even started to consider this city and this state as my home, despite not having any friends or family here.  But I don’t see how I’d be able to stay if the rug gets pulled from underneath me. I recall writing something a few weeks ago along the lines of “If you were to remove all of the care that I receive, I’d be completely and utterly alone”.  Now that seems like a very real and very terrifying prospect, in a city where I’ve had many bad experiences and no friends or acquaintances.  Let’s be honest, I won’t last 2 seconds.  If I had an idea of when the axe will fall on my healthcare and care, perhaps I could work with my care manager and therapist to “prepare”, if there was enough time (months rather than weeks).  I want to find a job that I can do and work, but who is going to hire me and how will I get to and cope with interviews?   If I had family or friends here, this wouldn’t be quite as scary, but I don’t.   I will become completely socially isolated and unable to cope with the loneliness and absence of support.  

Even if the healthcare bill doesn’t pass the Senate, they’ll tinker with it enough for it to become law next time around, which is what happened with Obamacare.     It may be less ‘brutal’ when it gets watered down, but I’m pretty sure it will still hurt transgender people.   I don’t understand why the most vulnerable people are being targeted at all, but it’s almost sadistic and it’s totally unnecessary.  

Stop TrumpCare in the Senate – National Centrt for Transgender Equality

But just as before, I’m willing to take my own life, if it comes to that.  I already have a plan – the same plan that I’ve had in my head for the last few months.  I’m far more afraid of continuing life than I am of death.  Perhaps it’s time; it’s not as if I’m happy with my life or body and it’s not as if I have anything or anyone to lose.  My prospects don’t look good, even if I don’t lose my healthcare.  Not only am I hated by society and marginalized from it, but those in power want to destroy me and countless others like me who are part of the LGBT community and / or mentally ill.  I wish they’d just put a bullet in my head and put me out of my misery, rather than subject me to more pain, which will force me to take my own life.   I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one willing to die over this.  I wish those people would let me know that they exist, rather than people who either blindly tell me to carry on or those who are enjoying watching me suffer.