I had a bad dream last night that involved one of my younger brothers becoming a parent and my jealousy and envy of them. I know most people probably wouldn’t understand why such a thing would cause me pain, but I have always felt inferior to my 2 younger half brothers. They are normal, successful, married and not afflicted with the ugly gene that has ruined my life.
The dream plus my dysphoria has left me feeling extremely low. It was a challenge to even get out of bed this morning and take a shower, but I cannot be in my apartment for too long as I am quite literally “cut off” from the outside world.
Chris Cornell’s death is really affecting me. I listened to an hour long tribute to his life and music on the radio last night on the Nikki Sixx show. I knew Chris suffered from depression, but I never thought that he’d take his own life or die before his time like many of the other tortured grunge era musicians. I also thought of an (almost) ex girlfriend of mine who was utterly obsessed with Soundgarden and Chris Cornell. She must be devastated.
I feel utterly burned out for some reason. I think I did too much socializing yesterday. I think my dysphoria is getting the better of me. Too much “outside world” exposure and rejection have done a number on me. I’ve given up on the idea of dating and ever becoming functional. I’ve largely given up on myself too. It’s a permeating sense of defeat that is only going to continue to eat away at me until I can no longer take it.
I’m going to starve myself after I’ve used the food I have left. I feel like a bloated, huge ugly monster. I still have too much muscle in my upper arms and shoulders, despite being on HRT for over 3 1/2 years and not producing teaosterone. If I starve myself, I’ll waste away. It’ll make me sick, but I don’t care. I’m disgusted by my body and by food. I wanted to put a bullet in my head when E noticed the muscle in my right arm.
I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and the feeling is only getting more intense as I get older. Society has changed, I have no love in my life and most of my idols are dead. I can’t even look at the news anymore because it scares me to death. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.