I hate the fact that I’m still here and still writing, after I said I’d stay away until it was the time for me to leave. It makes me look like a joke; someone that just threatens suicide. I can assure you that nothing has changed as far as my desire to be dead and gone is consented. What has changed is that as long as I’m still here, I’m done with just internalizing the pain that other people cause me, either because I’m afraid of what they might say or do, or because I’m too nice and I don’t speak up. One of the few things I miss about the old me is that I used fight and win my battles. In the eyes of the world, I was a regular heterosexual cis male and no one could see my Achilles heel. Despite my anxiety, I fought and won many battles. I wasn’t target then and no one had any reason to mess with me in my daily life.
Which brings me onto my next point…
I’m going to be brutally honest about something else too that is somewhat connected. Perhaps the transgender community should cease this “visibility” bullshit and instead focus on campaigning to make people look “less trans”. Rather than place the onus on transgender individuals to somehow accept unacceptable flaws associated with their sex assigned at birth, why not push to ensure that regardless of income or age, transgender people wools be able to get all the help they need to blend in as much as possible? As a society, we need to stop labeling such procedures as “cosmetic” as we do with cisgender people. And yes, it would come at a cost, but overall we are talking about perhaps 1% of the population, so I doubt that we’d even feel it. In providing transgender individuals with the procedures they need to blend in, I’m pretty sure you’d see the transgender suicide and attempted suicide rates drop significantly and you’d make such individuals more easily employable, thus removing the need for them to claim public assistance just to survive.
The drive for visibility is a bad thing, because it is actually preventing progress in terms of helping people transition sufficiently enough to be safe and comfortable in their own skin. Look at it this way, if we can’t eliminate racism or sexism from society, then we certainly can’t eliminate transphobia. We can sit back and blame society all we want for transgender suicides, but the reality is that acceptance is impossible. The more ‘trans’ people look and sound, the more risk they face and the more marginalized they’ll find themselves. Visibility also attracts the wrong kind of attention. It leads to intrusive questions and comments borne out of curiosity. Also, bear in mind how the bathroom issue has become more of an issue since the drive for visibility. Transgender people had been using the correct bathrooms most likely for decades, with little fuss being made.
I strongly believe that the vast majority of transgender people don’t want to be visible. Even if they claim to support visibility, it is most likely that such sentiments are borne out of defeatism as far as their own transitions are concerned. It is easier for most people to say they’re “trans and proud”, rather than admit to the pain inside caused by dysphoria that will never go away. Even if I were able to accept my own trans-related flaws, I wouldn’t, as it wouldn’t help the greater good. When the time comes that I do take my own life, it will be because of these flaws, not because society doesn’t accept me. My own suicide would serve as a strong message to both society and the transgender community that the drive for visibility just causes more pain; it causes people to hyper-focus on such flaws, rather than just ignore them or focus on the aspects of my body that do look almost or even completely female. Visibility is the reason why many cisgender allies to make a point to tell you how they accept you and don’t judge. While their intentions are usually good, I don’t think they understand how upsetting and invalidating it is to be told this constantly. Again, I hold the drive for visibility highly accountable for this.
I place visibility in the same slop bucket as I place “be yourself” and BYPs (‘be yourself’ people). It is the same form of idealistic bullshit that places the onus on the individual to have to deal with all the perils and pitfalls that come with being yourself and being visible in a world that will never accept them. We believe that by promoting this nonsense, we are somehow ‘educating’ society and helping to evolve the species. I’m pretty sure those who have a problem with the word “normal” and normalcy promote this nonsense because they see it as a form of rebellion against normalcy and conformity. Well, newsflash, dipshits: we are all human beings, we are social creatures and whether we like it or not, to be a part of society and experience friendship, love and stability, we all have to conform a little. Unless you’re ultra-rich or blessed with amazing genetics, you have to make a difficult choice between two prisons.
Fuck “be yourself” and BYPs.
Neither actually help transgender individuals. Let’s help people by helping them to look and sound less trans, which would save countless lives and give transgender almost / the same quality of life that cisgender people take for granted. It would also encourage the countless others who don’t transition because they feel like they’ll never pass (such people exist and I’ve even spoken to some of them).
Lastly, there is something else that we, as a society can strive for that will ultimately lead to acceptance of transgender and gender nonconforming individuals. It will also help to eliminate sexism and misogyny at the same time. We can work to eliminate gender roles and stereotypes and remove all gendered pronouns from our language. From the minute a baby is born, it’s either a boy or a girl and in many respects, the infant’s way of life has already been decided before it has the ability to even choose. Women and men would be truly equal and would have the same opportunities. Men wouldn’t be told to “man up” and women wouldn’t be disadvantaged in the workplace or pressured to have children by a certain age. I am fully aware that males and females are different (probably more aware than most because of my need to transition), but I would love to see a society without gender. In such a society, you could quite literally “be yourself” as long as you weren’t hurting anyone else in doing so. But that isn’t the kind of society we live in, so back to reality. Unlike BYPs, I accept that my own idealism is far removed from reality and isn’t likely to happen without a drastic shift in the evolution of the human race. And how is this relevant to the drive for transgender visibility? Simple: as long as we continue to live in a superficial and gender conforming society, transgender people that look and sound ‘trans’ will most likely never be accepted by the majority.