I’m trying to be strong in facing the very real prospect that I may lose my healthcare, but it isn’t working. I had to take 5 Seroquel just to fall asleep. I had a dream in which I was in Paris and trying to find S, because she was in trouble. I woke up in tears.
Trump’s healthcare bill probably won’t pass the Senate, but knowing my (awful) luck, it will. When I lose my health insurance then my healthcare, the only prescription I’ll be able to pay for is my estrogen. Having just had an orchiectomy, I don’t need to take blockers anymore and I can live without progesterone. I’ll cut down from 8mg a day to 4mg a day of estrogen, which I should be able to pay for out of pocket, though I won’t be able to afford internet access at home. Because I’ve had the orchiectomy done and I’ve got the court order to change my name, Trump can’t ruin my transition unless I’m forced to use my old name and tied down and forced to take testosterone shots.
But even though my transition is relatively safe, I’m still in big trouble…
I take 4 different psych meds, 2 of which I know have been having positive effects. I would most likely have to go cold turkey on all of them. I see a therapist once a week and I’d imagine that won’t be possible anymore. I will lose all of the help and advocacy I get through care management too, because that is also currently covered by Medicaid. I may even lose the limited support that I get at my treatment housing.
What terrifies me is that I’m going to be completely “on my own”. I have no family or friends in this city or even in this state. I can barely do anything on my own in the outside world here beyond what I’m doing now (and even that is often too much). I will have to go to so many potentially triggering and even unsafe places on my own and I don’t see how that will even be possible. I’ve had too many bad experiences in this city as it is, even when here have been people literally holding my hand to support me. I will be reliant on the bus system here, which I’ve barely been able to use, except for one route and only at certain times.
A friend online told me I should “prepare for the worst” and contact my family in the UK to help me make plans to leave, if the healthcare bill passes. In the past, my online friends had been urging me to stay despite the election result, but now the same friends are completely silent. I stopped talking to my mum last month, because she wouldn’t help me return to the UK before when it looked unlikely that I’d be able to change my legal name. I certainty can’t ask her, because I already know the answer. As for my dad, he thinks that I only contact him when I need money, so I can’t contact him either. I’m sure both of my parents are aware of what’s happening in the news here in the US and they must know that the healthcare bill will be devastating for me and countless others like me, if it becomes law. I have no other family in the UK. I have a friend that said she’s willing to let me stay with her and her husband. However, I don’t have enough money to pay for the cost of getting there or supporting myself for long enough until I can find a job that I can do or be eligible for public assistance, which I’d have to wait 3 months for due to ‘habitual residency’ rules. I’m in deep shit this time though and it isn’t just me ‘over thinking’. This could become law and it could happen very quickly. I can almost hear my family say “Well, you chose to go back to America“. If they’re even thinking about it having seen the news, I’m pretty sure that’s what they’d still say to me, but I already know that I fucked up and that it was a terrible decision on my part. Because despite the help I’ve received, I’ve had so many bad experiences since I arrived last July, including losing the friend that encouraged me to come back to Rochester in the first place. I didn’t think that it would all turn to shit less than a year later. The only major ‘positive’ is that I got the orchiectomy and I got my name changed. I’d never have got an orchiectomy on the British NHS. I would’ve had to wait 2-3 years for SRS before my body would no longer be producing testosterone. I still want full SRS, but there is no longer any urgency.
Even if I could return to the UK tomorrow, it would be heartbreaking, given the fact that I’ve gone through so much and have finally got a court order to change my name and begin my life. I had even started to consider this city and this state as my home, despite not having any friends or family here. But I don’t see how I’d be able to stay if the rug gets pulled from underneath me. I recall writing something a few weeks ago along the lines of “If you were to remove all of the care that I receive, I’d be completely and utterly alone”. Now that seems like a very real and very terrifying prospect, in a city where I’ve had many bad experiences and no friends or acquaintances. Let’s be honest, I won’t last 2 seconds. If I had an idea of when the axe will fall on my healthcare and care, perhaps I could work with my care manager and therapist to “prepare”, if there was enough time (months rather than weeks). I want to find a job that I can do and work, but who is going to hire me and how will I get to and cope with interviews? If I had family or friends here, this wouldn’t be quite as scary, but I don’t. I will become completely socially isolated and unable to cope with the loneliness and absence of support.
Even if the healthcare bill doesn’t pass the Senate, they’ll tinker with it enough for it to become law next time around, which is what happened with Obamacare. It may be less ‘brutal’ when it gets watered down, but I’m pretty sure it will still hurt transgender people. I don’t understand why the most vulnerable people are being targeted at all, but it’s almost sadistic and it’s totally unnecessary.
Stop TrumpCare in the Senate – National Centrt for Transgender Equality
But just as before, I’m willing to take my own life, if it comes to that. I already have a plan – the same plan that I’ve had in my head for the last few months. I’m far more afraid of continuing life than I am of death. Perhaps it’s time; it’s not as if I’m happy with my life or body and it’s not as if I have anything or anyone to lose. My prospects don’t look good, even if I don’t lose my healthcare. Not only am I hated by society and marginalized from it, but those in power want to destroy me and countless others like me who are part of the LGBT community and / or mentally ill. I wish they’d just put a bullet in my head and put me out of my misery, rather than subject me to more pain, which will force me to take my own life. I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one willing to die over this. I wish those people would let me know that they exist, rather than people who either blindly tell me to carry on or those who are enjoying watching me suffer.