The constant pain of loneliness vs. the pain caused by attempting to socialize

I have to let go of the idea of making friends or finding a romantic partner.  While I’m lonely and I would love to have friends and a partner, my lack of social skills, my triggers and my anxiety make socializing almost impossible.  I’m not going to find that ideal friend that is willing to help me in terms of helping me get out of my apartment and out of my own head.

I need to work on other things and let go of the idea of fitting in and having people in my life.  If I felt safer here, that would go a long way.    I want to get o the point where I can work and go to school. I don’t want to need people anymore and I’m tired of this endless battle with me wanting to fit in, but being completely unable to because of my appearance and lack of social skills.

As far as people in the outside world are concerned, I just want to be left alone and ignored.  Attempting to socialize has caused me fat too much pain and has added trauma on top of the pile of trauma that I still need to work on.  I’m not a complete introvert, but that’s how I’m going to have to exist.  It is a choice between the constant pain of loneliness or the risks and the pain involved with attempting to end my loneliness.  For now, loneliness is the lesser of two evils.

Crippling anxiety 

I can’t really go into the good thing that happened to me and it’s mot something I really need to discuss. I still can’t believe it happened though.

What I do want to discuss is the fact that socializing is beyond me right now. Making friends and dating is simply not going to happen. While I can’t accept loneliness, I can accept being alone, because the alternative is much much worse. I don’t fully understand why my anxiety has worsened so much over the last year especially. But what I do know is that exposure to the outside world is hurting me right now, although there has been an exception, which I’ll explain later in this blog entry.

Even being at the clinic is too much for me right now. I was there earlier and I felt awful and became overloaded and overwhelmed. It took me a vast amount of strength to even get dressed and leave my apartment. Another patient there started talking to me because she liked my accent. She was really nice and had I been in a better frame of mind and not imploding inside, I would Jane asked her for her email address so we could keep in touch. Her boyfriend was also British and I liked listening to her, but I had to bolt.  I felt when more disgusting than when I arrived due to nervous sweating, so bad that it probably looked like I’d just ran a marathon.  

I was supposed to be going to a transgender focus meeting at 6, but I bottled out of that too. I feel bad, because at least 2 people wanted my presence there, one of whom runs a local trans group and is a very good person. I couldn’t have coped with a group situation, never mind a group of transwomen who are probably not ugly like me. That is a situation that would have worsened my anxiety and most likely would’ve added more dysphoria to the already shitload of dysphoria that I’m dealing with (or rather not dealing with) right now.

I honestly wish that the incident with the security guard a few weeks ago hadn’t have happened. Going out at all has become much more difficult because of my poor self image and heightened fear of people. If that can happen in a “safe place”, then nowhere here is safe.

I have met one person here who I would definitely be friends with if a friendship develops. We met on OK Cupid before I deleted my account. She’s also trans and extremely intelligent and insightful. I wish I had her attitude. Side doesn’t care about wanting to be normal or fitting in. I wish there were more people like her here especially.

I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and I’ll focus on discussing my anxiety with him. I need a change in medication or a miracle. This isn’t just a bit of social anxiety and shyness – it’s crippling and has only been getting worse. Forcing myself out and being around people is just hurting me, but I suspect that hiding in my apartment is hurting me too.

I (really) hate weekends 

Did I mention that I hate weekends? Well allow me to reiterate it.  Weekends are not only extremely lonely for me, but Saturday in particular is a day that I’m “imprisoned” the most by my Social anxiety.   Weekends also seem to be when people are at their most annoying and most obnoxious.   Even in my apartment, I hear other residents blasting out god-awful music and shouting from people on the street outside.   I’ll admit that I’m envious of normal people, or rather WEPs (weekend and evening people) who have families and friends to spend their weekends with. 

It’s a very hot day and I wish I could be out there in the sun, with a friend or a partner.  

Failed in my mission to join the library 

I set a goal for myself to go and join the library today, but I failed as expected. I walked over there done, hater blockers (sunglasses) on and hater sound blockers (earphones) lodged into my ear drums. But when I got to the library, it suddenly became completely overwhelming and I had no idea where to go. I didn’t feel up to using my wretched male sounding voice to ask anyone, so I left.


All I can say is that I managed to walk there alone. One of my support workers said she’d come with me on Monday so I can get a library card. I hate how useless and incapable I’ve become of doing what should be seemingly simple things. I wanted to join the library today so I could borrow some books for the weekend.

I walked back and got back jest in time to buy some cheap produce from the curbside market van. I saved a fair bit of money and they gave me a $5 voucher to use for next time.

I dropped off my produce and decided to walk over to Boulder Cafe, which is where I am now. It’s mostly empty and I’m probably going to chill here for a while. It’s a shame I didn’t manage to get any new reading material, because the ambience in here is perfect for reading a book.

I had a mini-meltdown this morning when Tinder suspended my account and I lost M’s details. Thankfully, it must’ve just been a glitch, because the account is fine now.

I have therapy tomorrow afternoon, which is much needed. I need everyone to get on the same page so that I can get the help I need to get out in the community more, because I’m tired of existing as an invisible recluse. I’m 50/50 on whether or not to go back to the transgender group on Monday, but apparently my presence was welcomed there and one of them could be a potential friend.

The real world is a scary place 

* I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s only (somewhat) safe for me to talk to people online.  The outside world is a scary place, full of potential triggers that I cannot control.  I can stop online interactions almost instantaneously. Nobody can tell how scared or anxious I look from behind a screen.  Nobody has to hear my ugly male-sounding voice. I don’t think I’ll make friends in the real world.  

I blew an opportunity yesterday, although I don’t think that person would’ve been a good friend anyway.  But now I’ve embarrassed myself in the community I live in and that’s going to make life more difficult for me than it already is.  Worse still, I am unable to get internet there.   At least not until I get the court order to change my name with Social Security.  If I had the internet, I’d seldom want to leave my apartment except for appointments and to buy groceries.   I would be content with that.   I’ve accepted that there are no potential friendships at the treatment housing community.  

 I’ll be avoiding the Easter dinner tonight, even though that will look bad on my part.

Saturday – trying to keep myself busy, avoiding the other residents 

I’ve kept myself busy so far today (Saturday).   I made a batch of pasta sauce, most of which I’m going to freeze.   I did my laundry and cleaned the apartment a little.  Three of my eBay items arrived in the mail; a sundress, a pair of Converse and some bracelets.  I’m still waiting for the sandals, but they should be here on Monday or Tuesday.

After I’ve been out to publish this, I’m going to eat dinner, fix my nails and figure out what I’m going to wear tomorrow.  I’m meeting the girl from OK Cupid at the nearby coffee shop.  Hopefully she won’t cancel on me and hopefully I won’t cancel on her. I don’t think she suffers from as much anxiety as I do.    The weather is going to get warm tomorrow and close to 80 degrees on Monday, so I’m looking forward to being able to wear shorts for the first time in 7 long months.  Sometimes I miss living in South Florida, because it was summer all year round.  I never had to wear a coat or any clothing that made me look bigger than I actually am. 

Even if tomorrow’s date goes badly, it’s better than being lonely and trapped inside my apartment .  I don’t fear meeting women anywhere near as much as I fear meeting men.  The worst a woman will do is not call me back or email me.  Men can be very cruel and are usually blunt. I don’t want to meet any men from a dating site after what happened with the last man I dated.

I feel more uncomfortable than ever when I have to walk in and out of the lobby.  I hate that the same people are always down there.   I don’t understand why they don’t just use the common room to talk about triggering subjects or just stare at the ceiling and walls.  I hate using the communal laundry facilities here too.  I am scared of running into anyone in this building who isn’t staff. I don’t think any of the residents here like me.

Shit…

I made plans to meet someone and didn’t consider that it’s the weekend and the WEP threat.   I’m an idiot and even more likely to chicken out now.

Possibly meeting someone on Sunday

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to do things on my own beyond what I can barely do now.  I had to ask one of the support workers to accompany me to a shoe repair place and to buy cleaning products from Family Dollar.  There’s very little that I seem to be able to do on my own.   I’m sure many find it difficult to believe that getting  a shoe repaired could be the cause of so much stress and anxiety.  I feel a bit better knowing that the support worker offered to take me, but that isn’t a long-term solution.  I’ve got no confidence at all and I don’t feel safe anywhere.

As always, I’m dreading the weekend.  On Sunday, I may be meeting with a transgender girl who messaged me on OK Cupid.  I know that I said I didn’t want to meet any more transgender people, but I’ll give it a shot.  I’m not quite as nervous about meeting women as I am with meeting men.  Somehow, I don’t think I’,m ever going to find a man on a dating site.   Men scare me, mainly because they can be very cruel and very blunt.  I’m just going to meet her at the coffee shop I usually go to.  I told her about my social anxiety and social awkwardness, because I don’t want to have to explain it in person.  This is one major reason why I need the internet – it’s not a luxury.  It’s the only way that I’m able to get to know someone a little before committing to meet them.  There is also a girl on Tinder I’ve been talking to for a couple of weeks, which may become an opportunity to make a friend, but I’m not getting my hopes up as far as either of them are concerned.

I feel like the other residents in my building hate me and talk about me behind my back.  I feel very uncomfortable whenever I walk past the usual group of residents that are sat in the lobby.  I know that it’s not just my own paranoia.  I get such horrible vibes from those people and I know my sixth sense is usually spot on, based on past experience.