Before I go any further, I feel that I have to mention that I am not actively seeking a boyfriend. I have too much going on in my life right now and I am not in a position confidence-wise to put myself out there in the dating world. However, it doesn’t hurt to at least give some thought to what I want in a partner and what I can offer that person, despite my many flaws and limitations.
Although it is not important to me, sex seems to be a crucial element of a relationship to most people, especially men. In the asexual world, those who are not asexual are referred to as ‘allosexual’. All of my partners in the past have been allosexual and my lack of any kind of sex drive and major dysphoria regarding being pre-op has meant that sex has caused me massive amounts of distress and left them feeling unwanted and rejected. I identity as demisexual, although I think I lean more towards being completely asexual. But my reluctance to declare myself asexual comes from the fact that I may feel differently about sex once I’ve had gender reassignment surgery. Until then, I would rather not have sex at all, although I am willing to give the person I love pleasure, on the basis that they do not touch me in forbidden areas.
I could happily be in a sexless relationship, even if I had the right equipment down there. But then there’s romantic attraction; a separate wire from sexual attraction. I don’t think that I’m aromantic, or “aro” as it’s known as in the asexual community. I do like cuddling (with someone I trust) and holding hands. I love it when someone buys flowers for me or other gifts. I love to be told that I’m beautiful (even though it’s not true). I love lying in bed next to someone and just talking for hours, or cuddling up on the sofa in front of Netflix. I love to cook and I love to be cooked for. But then I don’t like kissing much, nor do I like being groped or grabbed, unless I’m completely in the mood for it (which is rare). I don’t like my body, or people getting too close to my face.
I think my depression renders me aromantic at times though. In the midst of my own struggles, I often forget the needs of my partner and become quite cold and distant. I find it difficult to make romantic gestures to others. I never know when is the right time to cuddle up to my partner, even if I’ve been with them for a while. Due to my anxiety, I rarely buy gifts. So perhaps it’s selfish of me to expect a partner to be romantic towards me when I find it so hard to reciprocate. Previous partner have actually told me they felt like we were roommates, rather than lovers.
As much as I find living alone challenging and lonely, I find it equally as challenging to live with another human being. I need a lot of ‘Becca Time’, but that is difficult to find in a relationship in which you both live together. Sometimes my Becca Time can range from a few hours to a few days. This has also caused conflicts in the past and has led to my partners feeling rejected or worried about me.
When it comes to what I want in a partner, I do have certain criteria and you could say that I’m quite picky in some respects. I’m not so picky when it comes to physical appearance, or what job they do or income levels. I don’t care what car you drive or whether you even drive at all. What I do want is someone who can accept my flaws, but not love my flaws (if that makes sense?). I want a guy with similar political and social beliefs (yes, this is important to me) and someone who is tolerant and non-judgmental. I want someone whose interests help to bring me out of my shell, e.g. a guy that was into hiking or going to the gym would be great for me, as he could help me without even trying. I couldn’t be with someone who was a hermit, as (believe it or not) I don’t want to live my life indoors, watching someone play WoW all day. I want a guy willing to compromise on the sex issue.
I’m not polyamrous, but I would be willing to tell him that I’d be fine with him seeing a cisgender woman just for the sex part, as that’s something I cannot fully give (yet). I’m sure I would feel jealous and worried that he’d leave me for his ‘FWB’, but it’s something I would have to learn to live with, in order to be with an allosexual man. Asexual men are rare, but if I could find one willing to date me who wasn’t aromantic, that would be the ideal scenario.
As far as my type, I wouldn’t want someone overly masculine or macho. Really muscular guys do nothing for me, unless I like their personalities. I like Scandinavian men, Scottish men, Canadian and Australian men. Age wise, I would prefer someone in their mid-late 30’s or early to mid 40-s, but it seems that younger guys are more willing to date a transgender woman, or just don’t care about it as much. I just want someone who can make me laugh, bring me out of my shell and be willing to compromise on certain issues. Eye candy is great, but personality equals sustainability and substance. People only become ugly to me really quickly if I don’t like what comes out of their mouths. I don’t care if he’s into sports or wants to spend time with his friends. His friends don’t need to be my friends. The only things I utterly despise are clinginess, controlling behaviour, refusal to listen or communicate, un-cleanliness and dishonesty.
I’m not sure if any of this made sense. I still have a lot of figuring things out to do before I seriously contemplate throwing myself into the minefield of danger known as the dating world. But if an opportunity does come along in the meantime, I’m not going to turn it away, if it’s right for me and for the other person. I honestly don’t have much hope though. Just like with seeking employment, I have far too many things going against me. I’m transgender, unattractive, I have mental health issues, trust issues and I’m sometimes very difficult to deal with.