Reasons why I cannot be in a relationship, despite longing for one…

As much as I want a relationship, I am incapable of being with anyone because:

  1. I hate myself.
  2. I’m ugly.
  3. I’d never be comfortable being naked or even semi-naked with someone.
  4. I don’t like sex because I have a very low libido and I hate what’s between my legs.
  5. I don’t even like kissing.
  6. I have too many insecurities which often lead to jealousy.
  7. I sabotage relationships as a form of self-harm.
  8. I’m not romantic at all.
  9. I failed to make any of my previous partners feel loved.
  10. Sometimes I just want to be left alone.
  11. None of my previous partners could handle my depression.
  12. I can’t trust people.
  13. I ruin people’s lives.
  14. There’s a very strong likelihood that I’ll end up taking my own life, so it would be selfish to put someone through that.
  15. I still love my ex-wife and I cannot imagine anyone coming close to replacing her.  

Fuck it….I’m better off alone.

Lonely and longing for the love I’ll never find

I wish I had a boyfriend. You’ve no idea how happy meeting someone would make me.  It wouldn’t solve all of my problems, but it’d be a wonderful distraction and a chance for me to prove to someone that despite my flaws and mental health issues, I have a lot of love to give.

I’d love to find a man that is rugged, but gentle.   Someone strong and independent that would inspire me, rather than hold me back.  I don’t care about looks, though I’d like to find someone that was active and loved the outdoors.  I don’t mind if he loves sport or going out with his friends. I’m not clingy and I wouldn’t want him to be either.  I’d love to meet someone who can make me laugh and smile, even when I’m feeling down.  I love confidence and I don’t even mind if he’s a little cocky. I can’t have children, but I’d love to meet a single dad and become part of a family.  I wish that I could experience love and the feeling of protection.   

But it’ll never happen…,he doesn’t exist and even if he did, he wouldn’t be interested in me.   I’ll never find love in this life, but hopefully the next life won’t curse me with ugliness and mental health problems.  I want to be a normal girl then woman in my next life. I’ll get to experience the same things as other normal people, except that I’ll appreciate them a dozen times more.  If I’ve learned anything from this life it’s that most people take what they have for granted.

The other day, I almost invited one of the male residents to my apartment so I could cook for him.  I felt bad because he was out of food stamps and was reduced to eating canned spam on Easter Day.   Like me, he was estranged from his family too.   But I didn’t want to embarrass myself, though the illusion of having someone to cook for would’ve been good, plus he’d have got a meal out of it.   I’ve also not had good experiences with the men here anyway.  

I’m so fucking lonely.  

Yet another night of insufficient sleep and a painful dream that I’d rather not go into.   I woke up feeling nauseous.  I don’t think Seroquel is the right medication for me.   It knocks me out, but it doesn’t help me stay asleep and I wake up feeling like I’ve been hit by a freight train.  When I see my psychiatrist next week, I’m going to ask to switch to something else.  I lay in bed awake for hours, tormented by my usual thoughts:

“You’re ugly”
“No one will ever want you”
“You’re a freak”
“You’re worthless”
“Kill yourself”

I also relive bad experiences and go over and over what was said to me and I take it in the worst possible way.    I worry about the future and how  I’ll never be able to find a job or find love.

I accept that I cannot live alone, but even with that in mind, it’s a situation that is forced on me because of factors beyond my control.  Sometimes I need to be alone, but my need to socialize is greater. It’s not that I can’t take care of myself as far as cooking, cleaning, managing money and personal hygiene is concerned.  I just hate my own company, because it forces me to think and there’s little or no way of distracting myself from such overpowering thoughts.

I was actually starting to get better when I lived with my mum for 2 months last year and also with the host family for 6 weeks or so back in 2015.  While I sometimes chose to stay in my room, it was a great comfort to know that I could get away from myself whenever I needed to.  I didn’t need as much support, as far as mental health professionals go.  Though of course, life in the UK was considerably easier as my name and gender were legally changed back in January 2015, so there was never any risk of that ugly deadname ever coming up.

I was informed yesterday that Frontier are now offering internet, telephone and cable at this building.   Unfortunately, I cannot sign up for it until I’ve got the court order to change my name with Social Security. As badly as I want (need( the internet at home,  I’m not willing to open an account in the deadname.  I don’t even want to see that name on a bill.   

If the weather here didn’t keep turning cold again,  I’d be able to go out and sit outside the clinic and use their wifi in the evening and at night, but temperatures of less than 45 degrees will kill my phone battery within 10 minutes of usage.   Winters in Western New York are not only colder and more snowy than I’ve ever experienced, but are also very long.  It’s already mid April and it still gets colder here than than most parts of the UK in January.  It’s tolerable in sunny weather during the day, as long as there’s little or no wind.  But the wind can make it feel 20 degrees colder than it actually is and makes it impossible to stand still for more than a minute or so.

I committed myself to attending a cooking group at 11:30 this morning, even though I don’t need to learn how to cook. I hope the guy that talks too much and too loudly won’t be there.   He makes me feel very uncomfortable and stopped saying hello to me just because I can’t always respond.  I hope I won’t be asked to do anything, because I am too clumsy and liable to drop or break something, especially if there’s an audience.  

The cute young guy with the ginger beard hair who I assumed hated me held the door for me yesterday and asked how I was.  Now I see that he probably just has social anxiety, as I do.   People who I find attractive often make me nervous.  I know I’d have absolutely no chance with him and he’s pretty short, which would make it difficult because of how much I loathe my height.

Is it even possible for me to find a boyfriend who could also be a best friend?

Just to try to take my mind off my biggest problems, I want to express how much I wish I were able to find a boyfriend.  But as Ii mentioned in a previous blog entry, I just can’t talk to the few men that are just regular guys and not chasers.   This is a typical conversation I have with men on dating sites:

I feel like there’s an impenetrable wall of ice between me and the entire male species, aside from a couple of exceptions throughout my life.  I’ve only ever really had one boyfriend and that was when I was very young, priori to my transition.  The rest of my relationships have been with women, most of which started off as friendships.

It’s not that I’m not attested to men physically – I am, despite the fact that I hid my bisexuality prior to transition.  But now I find myself desiring a relationship with a man, not a woman.  I feel like a woman could be my best friend, but my needs would be better met by a male partner.

My best friend always tell me that I need to change my expectations of a relationship as far as men go; to not expect the same ‘friendship’ bond that I’d get with a woman.   But how do you do that?  Friendship is a core part of a relationship for me and I want my partner to he my best friend and o have common interests. How can I find that on a man?

If I’d been born a cisgender female, I think I would’ve predominantly dated men anyway.   Perhaps the earlier exposure to dating them would’ve resulted in me having very different expectations for relationships anyway.  I’m really not sure how straight women manage to commit to someone they don’t have much in common with.

I wish I was only attracted to women, because it’d never be an itch that I’d ever need to scratch. But then I look at some men and imagine being with them on an intimate level.  The right man would make me feel safe and perhaps even desired.  I never felt desired by any of my girlfriends and none of them made me feel safe.  I’m not saying that a woman couldn’t provide those things – just not the women I’ve dated.

Transition didn’t change my sexual orientation, but it has changed my romantic orientation almost 360 degrees.  Especially now that it’s hit home that as I am legally a woman, the law would recognize a marriage to a man as a heterosexual marriage.  I am bisexual, but hetero-romantic.  My sexual and romantic attraction wires are not really connected, but the latter is connected to my gender identity.

But I can’t talk to men, so what hope do I have? I mean,  I’m up against it anyway, finding a guy willing to have an actual transgender girlfriend and not just be after sex, or to make me his experiment or dirty little secret, as men have done in the past.

I want a boyfriend , but he needs to be a best friend too.  I couldn’t be with someone that just watched sports all day or someone who wasn’t able to listen and communicate.  I’d want him to share my ideals and goals in life.

And it doesn’t help that Valentine’s Day is approaching.  I envy ‘normal’ people that can just find love with comparative ease.  Nobody wants a trans girl with mental health issues.   

Unable to connect with men on a romantic or friendship level 

I’m not hoping for a relationship or anything, but trying to talk to men on dating apps / sites is pointless.  I can never keep the conversation going or spark any interest, so most stop talking to me.  Many of them just want casual sex anyway, or friends with benefits.  I used to find it quite validating when men would hit on me online, now it’s become a frustration, because there’s never any depth to any of these encounters.

I should probably just give up, but it’s a connection with the outside world that I need, because I’m socially isolated outside of the Internet and have no local friends.  I can’t talk to men at all, because I’ve got nothing in common with most of them and I don’t like sex.  I’m also tired of encountering chasers and closeted bisexual men looking to experiment (see ‘The exploitation of transgender women by closeted bisexual men and chasers’ ).

Is there even any hope for me in terms of finding the right man? Although women don’t usually message me, I seem to have a much easier time connecting with them when they do.  For it to work with a guy, he would need to have certain qualities that are considered ‘effeminate’ by society, such as sensitivity, a gold ability to listen and communicate and would need to meet me on a “best friend” level.

But here are the problems holding me back:

  • I’m ugly as shit  – men are visual creatures
  • I’m transgender
  • I’m too tall – men like short girls, even tall men. 
  • I have no job amd no life
  • I have PTSD, severe anxiety, depression and BPD symptoms
  • I don’like certain aspects of sex, although I do enjoy giving pleasure to the man/woman that I love.  
  • I’m a rubbish girlfriend (as an ex of mine pointed out)
  • I need a fair amount of alone time in a relationship
  • I’m socially awkward
  • I’m not intelligent 

I must admit that I would love to have a boyfriend.   On the plus side, I’m faithful, affectionate and I’m a good cook.  I’m also the kind of girlfriend that won’t try to change you or stop you from doing  your own thing.  But all drag is eclipsed by the above drawbacks, many of which are not fixable (at least not anytime soon). 

Today is ‘Man Crush Monday’, but all I’ll ever have are crushes on celebrities I’ll never meet and fictional characters.

Is there someone out there for me? 

Before I go any further, I feel that I have to mention that I am not actively seeking a boyfriend. I have too much going on in my life right now and I am not in a position confidence-wise to put myself out there in the dating world. However, it doesn’t hurt to at least give some thought to what I want in a partner and what I can offer that person, despite my many flaws and limitations.

Although it is not important to me, sex seems to be a crucial element of a relationship to most people, especially men. In the asexual world, those who are not asexual are referred to as ‘allosexual’. All of my partners in the past have been allosexual and my lack of any kind of sex drive and major dysphoria regarding being pre-op has meant that sex has caused me massive amounts of distress and left them feeling unwanted and rejected. I identity as demisexual, although I think I lean more towards being completely asexual. But my reluctance to declare myself asexual comes from the fact that I may feel differently about sex once I’ve had gender reassignment surgery. Until then, I would rather not have sex at all, although I am willing to give the person I love pleasure, on the basis that they do not touch me in forbidden areas.

I could happily be in a sexless relationship, even if I had the right equipment down there. But then there’s romantic attraction; a separate wire from sexual attraction. I don’t think that I’m aromantic, or “aro” as it’s known as in the asexual community. I do like cuddling (with someone I trust) and holding hands. I love it when someone buys flowers for me or other gifts. I love to be told that I’m beautiful (even though it’s not true). I love lying in bed next to someone and just talking for hours, or cuddling up on the sofa in front of Netflix. I love to cook and I love to be cooked for. But then I don’t like kissing much, nor do I like being groped or grabbed, unless I’m completely in the mood for it (which is rare). I don’t like my body, or people getting too close to my face.

I think my depression renders me aromantic at times though. In the midst of my own struggles, I often forget the needs of my partner and become quite cold and distant. I find it difficult to make romantic gestures to others. I never know when is the right time to cuddle up to my partner, even if I’ve been with them for a while. Due to my anxiety, I rarely buy gifts. So perhaps it’s selfish of me to expect a partner to be romantic towards me when I find it so hard to reciprocate. Previous partner have actually told me they felt like we were roommates, rather than lovers.

As much as I find living alone challenging and lonely, I find it equally as challenging to live with another human being. I need a lot of ‘Becca Time’, but that is difficult to find in a relationship in which you both live together. Sometimes my Becca Time can range from a few hours to a few days. This has also caused conflicts in the past and has led to my partners feeling rejected or worried about me.

When it comes to what I want in a partner, I do have certain criteria and you could say that I’m quite picky in some respects. I’m not so picky when it comes to physical appearance, or what job they do or income levels. I don’t care what car you drive or whether you even drive at all. What I do want is someone who can accept my flaws, but not love my flaws (if that makes sense?). I want a guy with similar political and social beliefs (yes, this is important to me) and someone who is tolerant and non-judgmental. I want someone whose interests help to bring me out of my shell, e.g. a guy that was into hiking or going to the gym would be great for me, as he could help me without even trying. I couldn’t be with someone who was a hermit, as (believe it or not) I don’t want to live my life indoors, watching someone play WoW all day. I want a guy willing to compromise on the sex issue.

I’m not polyamrous, but I would be willing to tell him that I’d be fine with him seeing a cisgender woman just for the sex part, as that’s something I cannot fully give (yet). I’m sure I would feel jealous and worried that he’d leave me for his ‘FWB’, but it’s something I would have to learn to live with, in order to be with an allosexual man. Asexual men are rare, but if I could find one willing to date me who wasn’t aromantic, that would be the ideal scenario.

As far as my type, I wouldn’t want someone overly masculine or macho. Really muscular guys do nothing for me, unless I like their personalities. I like Scandinavian men, Scottish men, Canadian and Australian men. Age wise, I would prefer someone in their mid-late 30’s or early to mid 40-s, but it seems that younger guys are more willing to date a transgender woman, or just don’t care about it as much. I just want someone who can make me laugh, bring me out of my shell and be willing to compromise on certain issues. Eye candy is great, but personality equals sustainability and substance. People only become ugly to me really quickly if I don’t like what comes out of their mouths. I don’t care if he’s into sports or wants to spend time with his friends. His friends don’t need to be my friends. The only things I utterly despise are clinginess, controlling behaviour, refusal to listen or communicate, un-cleanliness and dishonesty.

I’m not sure if any of this made sense. I still have a lot of figuring things out to do before I seriously contemplate throwing myself into the minefield of danger known as the dating world. But if an opportunity does come along in the meantime, I’m not going to turn it away, if it’s right for me and for the other person. I honestly don’t have much hope though. Just like with seeking employment, I have far too many things going against me.  I’m transgender, unattractive, I have mental health issues, trust issues and I’m sometimes very difficult to deal with.