Reasons why I cannot be in a relationship, despite longing for one…

As much as I want a relationship, I am incapable of being with anyone because:

  1. I hate myself.
  2. I’m ugly.
  3. I’d never be comfortable being naked or even semi-naked with someone.
  4. I don’t like sex because I have a very low libido and I hate what’s between my legs.
  5. I don’t even like kissing.
  6. I have too many insecurities which often lead to jealousy.
  7. I sabotage relationships as a form of self-harm.
  8. I’m not romantic at all.
  9. I failed to make any of my previous partners feel loved.
  10. Sometimes I just want to be left alone.
  11. None of my previous partners could handle my depression.
  12. I can’t trust people.
  13. I ruin people’s lives.
  14. There’s a very strong likelihood that I’ll end up taking my own life, so it would be selfish to put someone through that.
  15. I still love my ex-wife and I cannot imagine anyone coming close to replacing her.  

Fuck it….I’m better off alone.

Male selfishness and self-entitlement (“obligatory sex”)

Why are many men so selfish and self-entitled when it comes to dating and relationships?  If he does something for her, he expects to be paid back in sex.  If she fails to meet those obligations, he cheats or leaves her and blames her for the failure of the relationship.

I ended up blocking a guy on OK Cupid yesterday.  He seemed alright at first, but then he started asking me about sex and telling me he is kinky in the bedroom and liked to try new things.  I objected to this, as I don’t like to talk about sex with someone I haven’t even met. He then went on to explain how he “put up” with his ex girlfriend for 3 years and how she was failing to meet his obligations.  He said “she didn’t make me happy ” so I asked “did yo make her happy?” and he stayed silent.  I’m betting that if anything, she’s the one that suffered, not him.   Maybe she was deprsssed or maybe she felt like all he cared about was sex.  

Women do not exist to please men.  Sex should not be a demand, but something that happens in a loving relationship.

Rant over.

Unable to connect with men on a romantic or friendship level 

I’m not hoping for a relationship or anything, but trying to talk to men on dating apps / sites is pointless.  I can never keep the conversation going or spark any interest, so most stop talking to me.  Many of them just want casual sex anyway, or friends with benefits.  I used to find it quite validating when men would hit on me online, now it’s become a frustration, because there’s never any depth to any of these encounters.

I should probably just give up, but it’s a connection with the outside world that I need, because I’m socially isolated outside of the Internet and have no local friends.  I can’t talk to men at all, because I’ve got nothing in common with most of them and I don’t like sex.  I’m also tired of encountering chasers and closeted bisexual men looking to experiment (see ‘The exploitation of transgender women by closeted bisexual men and chasers’ ).

Is there even any hope for me in terms of finding the right man? Although women don’t usually message me, I seem to have a much easier time connecting with them when they do.  For it to work with a guy, he would need to have certain qualities that are considered ‘effeminate’ by society, such as sensitivity, a gold ability to listen and communicate and would need to meet me on a “best friend” level.

But here are the problems holding me back:

  • I’m ugly as shit  – men are visual creatures
  • I’m transgender
  • I’m too tall – men like short girls, even tall men. 
  • I have no job amd no life
  • I have PTSD, severe anxiety, depression and BPD symptoms
  • I don’like certain aspects of sex, although I do enjoy giving pleasure to the man/woman that I love.  
  • I’m a rubbish girlfriend (as an ex of mine pointed out)
  • I need a fair amount of alone time in a relationship
  • I’m socially awkward
  • I’m not intelligent 

I must admit that I would love to have a boyfriend.   On the plus side, I’m faithful, affectionate and I’m a good cook.  I’m also the kind of girlfriend that won’t try to change you or stop you from doing  your own thing.  But all drag is eclipsed by the above drawbacks, many of which are not fixable (at least not anytime soon). 

Today is ‘Man Crush Monday’, but all I’ll ever have are crushes on celebrities I’ll never meet and fictional characters.

The exploitation of transgender women by closeted bisexual men and ‘chasers’

I haven’t touched on the subject of ‘chasers’ for a while, but I want to talk about another group of people who export transgender women: closeted bisexual men.

I was talking to a guy on Tinder earlier and he seemed pretty nice at first.  But then he told me he wants someone to accept him for who he is, but I already knew what he was going to say before he actually said it.  He told me that he was bisexual and as we talked more, I became increasingly uneasy as he started using terms such as “top” and “bottom” which trigger my dysphoria. He’d asked me earlier on if I was post op, but I refused to answer.  But in the end., I told him that I was post-op and couldn’t give him anything different from a cisgender woman. He instantly blocked me, which didn’t surprise me.  Like several other closeted bisexual men (only one woman has ever done this to me), he wanted a girl with a penis that could fuck him like a man.

I am actually quite repulsed by th selfish actions of such men.  It has nothing to do with their sexuality as I am bisexual myself, but it is the callous and disrespectful way that some of them exploit transgender women.  They have no regard for the fact that they could trigger someone’s dysphoria in one of the worst and most degrading ways.  In my case, he didn’t care that I’d told him that I was sexually assaulted a year ago and that I didn’t want to talk about sex.

I know I’m hardly an advocate for the transgender community, but I’m sick and tired of chasers.  They assume that transgender women have male sex drives and are quite happy to use whatever parts they have.  This assumption is both wrong and dangerous.  I’m sure some pre-op transgender women are not as opposed to it as I am, but I believe they are the minority, rather than the majority.

The best advice I can give to girls like me that are attracted to men is to tell them you’re post-op. You’ll scare away the chasers and the closeted bisexual men looking to experiment with you.  Do not do anything you’re not comfortable with, even if you’re lonely like I am and would love to find a boyfriend.

As for the men in question, if you want someone to fuck you like a man, ask a man and leave transgender women alone, unless you are willing to see us as women and treat us in accordance with our gender identify.  I don’t mind helping men or women come to terms with their sexuality, but DO NOT use me or any other transgender woman as an experiment.  To put it bluntly, fuck off.  

Thank you.

Gender, genitalia and monosexuality

I’ll make this relatively short and to the point – I don’t understand the fixation with genitalia that many monosexuals have.  They’re either disgusted with one particular sex organ or they see it as something they’d like to secretly experiment with.

I don’t get it.

Granted, I’m pansexual and these things don’t matter to me.  I don’t care for penises or vaginas, unless they’re attached to the person I love.  I’ve experienced both and I honestly don’t see what all the fuss ia about. I mean, even if I were straight, I’d still date a pre-op transgender guy and not care what was between his legs.

Lesbians and gay men are the worst culprits for ‘genital shaming’, in my experience.  I’ve heard lesbians express disgust at penises and gay men express disgust as vaginas far too many times.  I find such comments to be a form of body shaming and I find them highly offensive.  

Our association of gender and genitalia is a largely a construct.  If we were raised to know that women can have penises and men can have vaginas, I believe there wouldn’t be the same amount of shaming as there is now.  To gay and lesbian people, please do notinvalidate a transgender man or women’s identity because you refuse to accept that gender and sex assigned at birth do not always match. 

But i accept and respect that most people have an ingrained association with gender and genitalia. To those people, all I ask is that you be more tactful and respectful when stating that you can only be attracted to one or the other.

For me, it’s totally “hearts not parts”. I care what’s between your ears , not what’s between your legs.   You don’t have to be pansexual to grasp that concept; just be open minded.

Wishing that I could bury my attraction to men

I honestly don’t believe that I’ll ever find love again.  As an ugly transgender woman with mental illness, I’m truly bottom of the pile.

Dating sites used to be a good distraction, but I’m getting tired of seemingly the same guys asking for the same things: fun, NSA, FWB and hookups.  I feel like I get treated this way by men because I’m transgender and because they will never see me as more than an experiment or a bit of fun. It’s got to the point that it’s making me angry and I’ve already lashed out at a couple of guys who did it to me today; one on Tinder and one on OK Cupid.

I’d only talk to women if I thought I’d have a chance with any of them.  I can’t see myself ever being able to find just a regular guy who treats me like a human being and isn’t clingy, isn’t a stalker and doesn’t have some sort of weird fetish.  Chasers are the worst too – men attracted specifically to trans women.  I :don’t get it and I don’t want to get it.

I really do wish I was only attracted to women.  I wish I could just give up the idea of having a boyfriend and just stick to women. I suppressed my attraction to men for years before I transitioned.   I wish I could do it again, but it’s impossible, in reality. 

The worst women will do is reject me or ignore me.  I wish I could’ve just stayed with my ex wife. She’s the only person I’ve ever loved anyway.

Rant over, sorry. I’m just feeling very much alone again and devoid of human company.

My inability to love or be loved

The holidays may be wonderful for most people, but for some of us, they are painful reminders of what we are missing out on.   Most people take their ability to find love for granted, but for some of us love is very difficult to come by.  

I would love to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend right now, especially during the holidays.  Although I’m not ready or mentally stable enough for a relationship, I would feel better about life if I knew that it could happen in the not-too-distant future. 

The prospect of finding love is bleak for me.  Asude from being disgustingly ugly and taller than many guys,  I’m mentally damaged. I don’t like sex and I even feel uncomfortable when people hit onm me in a sexual manner.  I hate mouth-to-moutn kissing and most of the time I don’t even want to be touched because I hate my body and face so much that it makes me uncomfortable when people look at me close up.   I’m not romantic and my depression makes people think that I don’t care, because it robs me of the ability to be passionate about anything or anyone. 

The only thing I can offer is the option for my partner to see other people, particularly where sex is concerned. Being still pre-op after 3 1/2 years on HRT causes me massive dysphoria.  I’m willing to “give” as far as oral sex goes, but I do not want to be touched there, ever -:not before SRS.

I’ve also only ever loved one person and that was my beautiful ex-wife, soulmate, partner and best ever friend all rolled into one.  None of my other partners came anywhere near close in terms of compatibility and how I felt about them.  

So while I want a relationship, it is totally out of reach for a useless freak like me.  I’ll just end up as one of those lonely old transwomen who seem to have just accepted their fate of being alone for the rest of their lives. I don’t want that life – I wish I had the courage and the means to end my life.

I’m just not good enough; too ugly inside and outside to be loved and too broken to love.