Although I’ve been unable to break the cycle as far as pushing people away and sabotaging potential connections go, I’m aware that I do it. I do it because I find it so hard to trust and to let people in. CI’ve also done it to remove myself as a burden to that person. It is a common trait associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which I have been diagnosed with in the past.
There are a few people I’ve pushed away over the last few years that I truly regret pushing away. The most recent was a transgender woman named Paige. I also now regret pushing Holly and Stephanie away. They had no malicious intent towards me, they were just out of their depth as far as helping me was concerned. There are even people online who I regret pushing away or being rude to because I took something they said the wrong way.
I actually hope that some of the people I’ve pushed away get to read this. While they may not forgive me, I hope they’ll understand why. But there are some that I would give my right leg to have another chance with.
I suggest watching the video on this page if you push people away or simply want to understand why some people engage in such behavior:
While I can relate to the “why” part, I feel like fixing it is possibly beyond me, as it requires building of confidence and self-esteem. I’ve never had either confidence or positive self-esteem. But it is an issue I plan on raising with my therapist next time, if I remember that is.