Night owl mode

I’m usually asleep by now, but I managed to watch WWE Raw on YouTube.   I went out earlier to Wegmans to buy a few groceries.  My care manager very kindly gave me a gift card as I don’t have an EBT card to boy food.  I only bought a few things, mainly cereal, eggs and fruit. It was hot and homie so I wore shorts, my ugly pale legs attracting unwanted attention.  The cashier said he liked my necklace. I wanted to tell him I liked his hair, but I was too embarrassed and it might’ve made him feel awkward, but he has beautiful long blonde hair and has extremely cute. I’m not thinking “missed connections” again as there is no chance that he’d be interested in an ugly freak like me.

The date never materialized…yet another flake.  After mentally preparing myself and spending time doing my makeup, the guy wanted to just come to my place, which I thought was weird. I was actually looking forward to going out, even if it was just for coffee.  I just told him to forget it in the end and never heard anything back.  M hasn’t contacted me either. I’ve given up all hope of finding friendship or love in Rochester.  I’m too afraid to meet anyone else at this point. I’m only here because I have excellent care, but if I lose that, I’m in trouble.

Someone is going to help me as far as the complaint against the security guard is concerned.   I’m not going to say who they are, but I trust this individual.  They realizes that it’s too pailful for me to have to deal with spoken.

I think I’m just going to isolate over the weekend. I have all the food I need and an internet connection.  It’s going to be ridiculously hot anyway and I prefer to avoid WEPs.

I still don’t feel like sleeping. I’m tired of waking up at 3am.  The longer I stay up now, the less time I’ll have to be conscious tomorrow when I’ll be stuck in all day.

The pathetic ramblings of an ugly-ass freak 

I don’t know wheee to begin, so I’ll start by saying “I don’t know where to begin”….

I saw my therapist today and I expressed that I wanted to get everyone ok the same page as far as my needs are concerned. I need help getting out in the community, as I’m stagnant at the moment and if anything, I’m getting worse.

For some reason, DHS decided to deactivate the new EBT card that they only just sent me last week and are sending a new one.  The problem is I’m now unable to use my food stamps and I’m going to struggle until the new card arrives.  I’m not eating much at the moment anyway and this is essentially giving me an excuse to sink into full blown anorexia.

I’m supposed to be meeting someone tomorrow who replied to my (desperate) ad I placed in the Craigslist personals “missed connections” section.  He isn’t a missed connection, just someone that replied and wants to meet me. I’m sure he won’t like me in person, just like everyone else.    I look uglier in person than I do in pictures and my nasty male sounding voice would be enough to put anyone off.  I realize it’s a massive risk, but my self-esteem is so non-existent anyway that there’s little left to break.

I don’t think I can go any further with the complaint I filed with the New York Division of Human Rights against the security guard that harassed me, twice.  It’s the landlord of the building that I’ve filed a complaint against and their rebuttals are hurting me as far as my gender identity is concerned and they clearly have legal representation.   I didn’t even read the letter I received from them today, because I know it would trigger me to do so.  They claim they had no way of knowing my “preferred pronouns” and that I wasn’t presenting female, which is a lie.  They also claim that the security guard had not spoken to me before the second time he harassed me for “loitering” which is also a lie (first incident of harassment).  It’s too much for me to deal with right now and I’m not strong enough to risk being hit by the tidal wave of dysphoria that pursuing the complaint will most likely subject me to.  I’m extremely upset that others have witnessed this particular guard harassing other people and have told me he’s an asshole, but no one is willing to put their name to it in the form of a statement that might help my cause greatly.   I hate the fact that being transgender gives people a deadly weapon against me and has robbed me of my ability to fight.

I feel so disgusting and ugly, even more so than usual.    I’m paranoid that my testosterone count is still higher than it should be, or that my body is somehow still producing it despite having an orchiectomy and despite having prior counts done that were either extremely low or untraceable as far as the poison is concerned.

I weighed myself at the clinic and I’m still at 161lbs.  I was hoping that I’d stopped a few more pounds,,but being the fat ugly giant freak that I am, I’ve gained instead.  Since I’m unable to boy any any food, I should lose quite a few pounds over the next few days.  My arms are still fucking ugly and I still see muscle that should not be there.

I’m sure M (my missed connection from last summer) has had second thoughts about meeting me in person.  I haven’t heard from her and I don’t expect to. Maybe she just pitied me, which is what people do to me a lot.  She’s far too intelligent and far too attractive to lower herself to associate with someone as pathetic and as ugly as me.  I enjoyed the online interaction with her and I’m glad that I at least got the chance to apologize to her for being so fucking socially awkward when she approached me at the Wegmans supermarket last summer.  She’s too good for me, either as a friend or a potential girlfriend.

I cleaned my apartment this evening mainly out of boredom and just in case the guy I’m meeting tomorrow doesn’t hate me in person and wants to see my place.

I’m tired of being a prisoner.   I can only go certain places at certain times.  I wish there was support and solace in the transgender community, but every time I reach out to it, it just causes me too much pain and dysphoria.  I felt like the ugliest person at the transgender group I went to on Monday.  The support worker who took me is eager for me to go back next Monday.  I would only go for the sake of making a friend, but I doubt anyone there would want to be friends with me and I’d just embarrass myself if I tried to reach out.

More rejection to come tomorrow….it’s so great to be me!

“Don’t be a man in a dress”

I spent several hours at Boulder Cafe nearby yesterday, but I left around 5:30pm, when it started getting busy.

I wish I hadn’t opened the letter from the New York Division Of Human Rights.  It’s obvious that I cannot win and it has caused more dysphoria on top of the dysphoria I’m already (not) dealing with. I should’ve just left it and not complained at all.    They’re clearly not going to take any action and are only concerned with covering their own asses, rather than just apologizing for the panic attack and psychotic episode caused that Friday morning.    I’m not even safe in a state or country with good anti-discrimination laws.   Such laws are useless if they’re never going to be enforced.  According to this I’m nothing but a loiterer and I look male. You might as well just put a billet in my head:

The realist is that much of this is a lie. I was presenting female.   I had makeup on and was carrying a purse.  When the 2nd guard saw me, my head was covered up too. I truly wish I’d just stayed quiet now, because this is only hurting me more and nothing positive will come out of it that will benefit anyone else unfortunate enough to be in my position.   Assholes get away with being assholes in this society.  Look no further than the piece of shit sitting in the White House for proof of that.

It’s time for me to quit. It’s been time for me to quit for the last few years, especially after losing S and with my mental health declining to the point that I can no longer function in society. I avoid the news, but I keep hearing scary rumors on the grapevine that many of us are going to lose our healthcare soon.  I almost want it to happen to me, because that will be a sure-fire catalyst to force me to take my own life. I don’t have a future anyway,

I stopped reading my book Nightwalker, by Heather Graham at the part after the second killing took place.  The guy was roughly my age and he was killed in what the cops initially described as a “hit and run”, but it was actually a murder. This is the excerpt from the book that has added further fuel to the fire of my suicidal ideation:

I wouldn’t jump in front of a car or truck, unless one happened to be deliberately trying to mow me down.  It would be too dangerous to the driver and would traumatized him or her. But I would pick a much larger and much more fast moving object as my “way out”.  I’m not going into any more depth beyond saying I’ve have the “how and where” planned for several months. “When” is the only variable.  But to go into any further detail on a public blog would be foolish in my part.   I just know that it’s my destiny and it comforts me to know that the one element of control over my existence that I have left is that I can quit at any time.  But the paragraph is how I envisage my own death…painless and so quick that I won’t have time for a dying thought or to have to see my pathetic life flash by me, thus denying my mind one final opportunity to torment me.  

I’m not seeking attention or for anyone to save me.  This blog is a place of unfiltered honesty and I’m just expressing how I feel.  I don’t want any pity or sympathy for that represents validation of my insecurities.  I feel like I’ve not only failed at life, but failed at transition too. I tried to kill myself right before coming out as transgender for the final time, because I knew it wouldn’t work. And something my former transgender “mentor” named Jennifer told me has stuck with me:

“Don’t be a man in a dress”.

A friend of mine blasted her for saying it, but she’s right.  Transgender people are not cross-dressers, so what’s the point in presenting female when people still see you as male?  You are just setting yourself up for abuse, harassment, loneliness and being ostracized from the human race.  Caitlyn Jenner was right too when she said something along the lines of “looking like a man in a dress makes people uncomfortable”.  I can’t stand her, but she makes a good point. Passing isn’t about winning beauty contests and it’s not a pissing contest. It’s about safety.  The more you blend in, the easier your life and transition will be. And in my case, I thought I was doing relatively okay until the incident with those security guards and prior to the rejections I’ve been getting during my attempts at dating.

Now I feel like nothing more than a man in a dress. And that is the reason why I want to kill myself; not because of “haters” and not because of the fact that I’ve failed at life and that part of my depression is due to a chemical imbalance.  I want to die because I know that it’ll only get worse as I get older and uglier and even less relevant as a human being.   I want to die because I am burning with envy of people who represent what I’ll never have and who I’ll never be.  I want to die because fighting back is pointless and I don’t have the energy.  I want to die because I’m a burden to the system and someone with better genetics and a will to live could get the help that I’m getting and actually benefit from it.

Not long now, I promise.   I hope you’re enjoying witnessing my demise, although I put myself out there in the hope that someday someone with the power to change things for the better will read this and use it to help others.  No one should have to exist like this. I wouldn’t wish my life on my worst enemy.

Anyway, since the clinic is closed and I have no internet at home, I have to walk to the coffee shop while not feeling mentally well or strong enough to be in the outside world.   I will pray to god for peace and protection and to be left alone.  I can’t handle any more ‘scares’.  The coffee shop itself is safe, but walking to and from there never feels safe at all.   I will be wearing headphones to drown out all sound and sunglasses to dim the world and avoid eye contact.   

Wishing that I could just ‘opt out’ of the human race

Pre-admission testing for my surgery next week was largely stress-free.  They’ve somehow changed the name in their system, so there’s no risk of my deadname coming up, even though it is still on my insurance card.  I’m actually dreading not being able to wear makeup or even use moisturizer on the morning of the surgery more than the surgery itself.  I’m literally going to have to cover my face up with one of my scarves to hide my ugly makeup-less face from passers by. At least I’ll have someone with me and he’s very sweet.  They said that I should be out of hospital the same day.

The asshole security guard was still there this morning, but I know that it’ll take time for any action to be taken.   I don’t even care about him anymore.  I intentionally sat on the same bench where he harassed me on Friday for over an hour yesterday, just drinking my Diet Pepsi. He didn’t so much as look at me.  I can definitely still be an asshole.  

I’ve started reading Nightwalker by Heather Graham.  It seems like a good book and somewhat different from the genres I usually stick to.

I’m going to see if I can talk to my therapist at open access this afternoon.  I still don’t know how to process what happened to me on Friday. It’s left me feeling uglier than ever.   I can’t and won’t de-transition, but I need to figure out if there’s a way that I can simply remove myself from the human race and only interact with people online.  I can’t do this “living on the margins of society” crap.  I’d rather just escape it and not be reminded of what I’m missing out on.

With all the shit that’s happened to me, I didn’t even notice that spring has finally started to kick in here in Western New York.   The trees have suddenly started coming to life and turning green.  It’s supposed to hit 84 on Thursday which means I can finally wear shorts again.  

Transition took away my ability to ‘fight back’ 


I look hideous, even more so than usual.   The left side of my ugly forehead is discolored and blotchy from all the bruises after I punched myself in the head repeatedly during my ‘breakdown’ last Friday.   I also cut the word ‘ugly’ into the underside of my left arm.  I look like I’ve been in a fight, only this was a fight with myself and my self-hatred.  My therapist tells me not to internalize my pain, but externalizing it would be more dangerous.  

As this blog is ^meant* to be a place of total honesty, I’ll admit that de-transition has been on my mind a lot lately.  I have been trying to think of ways that could possibly make it work:  The only way it could possibly work is if I were able to quite literally remove myself from the human race and spend the rest of my life existing as a hermit, with no human contact to remind me.  Going non-binary wouldn’t work because I don’t do compromises well and I’m female.   I would de-transition if I could, because being transgender is just another prison, equally as awful as the last one.  But when I think about de-transition, I feel nauseous at the thought of going back to being seen as male by everyone.   I remember how much I hated myself, but I still hate myself now, only it would probably be worse.
But I miss appearing ‘normal’ and just blending in. I miss the freedom I once had, whereby I could go wherever I wanted to go.    I still had severe anxiety, but I hid it well beneath my mask, even coming across as confident and assertive.  No one knew my weaknesses unless they knew me personally.

I generally won the battles that I fought.   I felt more confident taking individuals and organizations on, knowing that no one could hurt me, because no one had to know my weaknesses.  My decision to fight back after being both harassed and discriminated against by that security guard is that I need to prove to myself that I can still stand up for myself and win.   In taking legal action, I realize that I’m taking a huge risk. I face the anxiety of possibly having to go to court and speak in front of a judge and dozens of other people that I don’t know.    If I lose this battle, it’ll mean that no matter whether or not I live in a state or country with good anti-discrimination laws, individuals and organizations will get away with subjecting me to harassment and discrimination severe enough to place my mental health at risk.  That is a sobering thought and a scary prospect.   It means that the rest of my existence will be a case of either being forced to deal with abuse or continue to place the energy that I don’t have on battles that I’ll just lose anyway. If it’s allowed to happen at a place that is supposed to be “safe” for people in my situation, it will happen anywhere and I won’t have an entourage of care managers, therapists and support workers to protect me and advocate for me.

If I were to win this battle, I know that it would empower me and it’d make me feel like this isn’t as hopeless as I thought it was.  I’d be getting back a part of myself that I thought I’d lost and that would give me a lot of strength.    Losing will be devastating, both for me and for what I consider to be the bigger picture when it comes to protecting vulnerable people.

I don’t want a life of endless battles because of my gender identity and ugliness.   It’s too much to deal with on top of my mental health and situational issues.  

Complaint filed, but the damage has been done 

I filed a complaint this morning against the owner of the property and the company which the security guard works for.  I have also filed an official complaint with the New York State Department of Human Rights.  The lady I dealt with said that my complaint looked good and she got someone there to motorize it. I am willing to take this all the way to court.

I went out for the first time yesterday evening.  First I went to Boulder coffee shop, mainly because I needed $1 bills for the bus.  I then caught the bus to the nearby Wegmans supermarket and managed to grocery shop in peace around 10pm.   I caught the bus back just after 11pm, dropped my groceries back at my apartment then went for a run.

I’m not over what happened on Friday.  I haven’t even begun to address it, because it’s too painful. Ifs left me feeling uglier than ever.   I try to tell myself the misgendering was intentional, but it doesn’t stop the tsunami of dysphoria from hitting me.  I want those guards to be punished for what they did to me.  At the very least to prevent it from happening to anyone else, because they are blatantly targeting transgender women that they don’t like the look of. State laws signed in 2015 by The Governor prohibit such discrimination.  Had this happened in a red state, I’d have probably been screwed.  I want action taken against the companies involved so as to send a message that it is unacceptable.  

My hospital pre-admission testing appointment has been rescheduled for tomorrow morning.  I am talking to someone on OK Cupid who wants to meet me on Wednesday evening, but I’m not sure if I can face that and risk taking another hit to my already negative self-esteem.

I’m done with ‘internalizing’

The old me never would’ve allowed someone to treat me the way what many people have been treating me lately. The old me wasn’t a target, but still. I’m tired of being bullied and targeted.

I’m going to take legal action against that asshole piece of shit security guard ‘Boyd’. I was talking to one of the other guards there this morning when I went to the pharmacy and he basically told me that Boyd is an asshole and that he targeted me specifically. He also told me there have been other complains about him.

So I’m going to see what I can do on Monday. By the time I’m done with him, losing his job will be the least of his worries. And I am vindictive.   I’m also doing this because he needs to be removed from that post as that building is meant to be a safe place for people in transition and people with mental health and substance abuse problems.  It is not acceptable.