I don’t know wheee to begin, so I’ll start by saying “I don’t know where to begin”….
I saw my therapist today and I expressed that I wanted to get everyone ok the same page as far as my needs are concerned. I need help getting out in the community, as I’m stagnant at the moment and if anything, I’m getting worse.
For some reason, DHS decided to deactivate the new EBT card that they only just sent me last week and are sending a new one. The problem is I’m now unable to use my food stamps and I’m going to struggle until the new card arrives. I’m not eating much at the moment anyway and this is essentially giving me an excuse to sink into full blown anorexia.
I’m supposed to be meeting someone tomorrow who replied to my (desperate) ad I placed in the Craigslist personals “missed connections” section. He isn’t a missed connection, just someone that replied and wants to meet me. I’m sure he won’t like me in person, just like everyone else. I look uglier in person than I do in pictures and my nasty male sounding voice would be enough to put anyone off. I realize it’s a massive risk, but my self-esteem is so non-existent anyway that there’s little left to break.
I don’t think I can go any further with the complaint I filed with the New York Division of Human Rights against the security guard that harassed me, twice. It’s the landlord of the building that I’ve filed a complaint against and their rebuttals are hurting me as far as my gender identity is concerned and they clearly have legal representation. I didn’t even read the letter I received from them today, because I know it would trigger me to do so. They claim they had no way of knowing my “preferred pronouns” and that I wasn’t presenting female, which is a lie. They also claim that the security guard had not spoken to me before the second time he harassed me for “loitering” which is also a lie (first incident of harassment). It’s too much for me to deal with right now and I’m not strong enough to risk being hit by the tidal wave of dysphoria that pursuing the complaint will most likely subject me to. I’m extremely upset that others have witnessed this particular guard harassing other people and have told me he’s an asshole, but no one is willing to put their name to it in the form of a statement that might help my cause greatly. I hate the fact that being transgender gives people a deadly weapon against me and has robbed me of my ability to fight.
I feel so disgusting and ugly, even more so than usual. I’m paranoid that my testosterone count is still higher than it should be, or that my body is somehow still producing it despite having an orchiectomy and despite having prior counts done that were either extremely low or untraceable as far as the poison is concerned.
I weighed myself at the clinic and I’m still at 161lbs. I was hoping that I’d stopped a few more pounds,,but being the fat ugly giant freak that I am, I’ve gained instead. Since I’m unable to boy any any food, I should lose quite a few pounds over the next few days. My arms are still fucking ugly and I still see muscle that should not be there.
I’m sure M (my missed connection from last summer) has had second thoughts about meeting me in person. I haven’t heard from her and I don’t expect to. Maybe she just pitied me, which is what people do to me a lot. She’s far too intelligent and far too attractive to lower herself to associate with someone as pathetic and as ugly as me. I enjoyed the online interaction with her and I’m glad that I at least got the chance to apologize to her for being so fucking socially awkward when she approached me at the Wegmans supermarket last summer. She’s too good for me, either as a friend or a potential girlfriend.
I cleaned my apartment this evening mainly out of boredom and just in case the guy I’m meeting tomorrow doesn’t hate me in person and wants to see my place.
I’m tired of being a prisoner. I can only go certain places at certain times. I wish there was support and solace in the transgender community, but every time I reach out to it, it just causes me too much pain and dysphoria. I felt like the ugliest person at the transgender group I went to on Monday. The support worker who took me is eager for me to go back next Monday. I would only go for the sake of making a friend, but I doubt anyone there would want to be friends with me and I’d just embarrass myself if I tried to reach out.
More rejection to come tomorrow….it’s so great to be me!