Possible reasons why my anxiety has worsened significantly

I believe these are either all or most of the reasons why my anxiety has worsened significantly over the last few months:

  1. Living alone: I’ve noticed a pattern in my life that whenever I’ve had to live alone, I’ve become more detached from the world and more agoraphobic. For the vast majority of my life, I’ve lived with parents, friends, partners or roommates. Whenever I’ve had to live alone, it’s always ended badly. I need a friend-roommate type living arrangement.
  2. Drop in estrogen levels: For whatever reason, my estrogen levels have dropped to the 150’s since I’ve been here. My usual levels were in the 500-700 range. I am on the same dosage, but a different brand from the one I was taking in the UK. I’m wondering if the drop correlates with my anxiety getting worse.
  3. Orchiectomy: My last lab results showed higher than usual testosterone levels post-orchiectomy. Since starting HRT, my levels have been untraceable to 10-15. At the last count, it was 150-something. Apparently this is normal as it’s a “dump” of whatever testosterone was in my system, but the effect on my mental health has been drastic, plus my body just feels different (not in s good way).
  4. Bad experiences in Rochester: A lot of bad things have happened to me since I arrived here almost a year ago. This includes harassment, losing friends, money issues, social isolation and unwanted approaches and other intrusions. As a result, I am overly afraid of people here.
  5. Change in psych medication: There’s a possibility that the medication I’m on now versus a year ago is not only not helping me, but is actually making my symptoms worse. I need to get off Seroquel, because I know that it’s working against me, even though it puts me to sleep.
  6. Worsening dysphoria: the harassment, rejection, social isolation and comments from others has made matters worse as far as my dysphoria is concerned. And dysphoria is a catalyst for depression, self-hatred and the kind ld anxiety that makes me unable to leave my apartment.

Night owl mode

I’m usually asleep by now, but I managed to watch WWE Raw on YouTube.   I went out earlier to Wegmans to buy a few groceries.  My care manager very kindly gave me a gift card as I don’t have an EBT card to boy food.  I only bought a few things, mainly cereal, eggs and fruit. It was hot and homie so I wore shorts, my ugly pale legs attracting unwanted attention.  The cashier said he liked my necklace. I wanted to tell him I liked his hair, but I was too embarrassed and it might’ve made him feel awkward, but he has beautiful long blonde hair and has extremely cute. I’m not thinking “missed connections” again as there is no chance that he’d be interested in an ugly freak like me.

The date never materialized…yet another flake.  After mentally preparing myself and spending time doing my makeup, the guy wanted to just come to my place, which I thought was weird. I was actually looking forward to going out, even if it was just for coffee.  I just told him to forget it in the end and never heard anything back.  M hasn’t contacted me either. I’ve given up all hope of finding friendship or love in Rochester.  I’m too afraid to meet anyone else at this point. I’m only here because I have excellent care, but if I lose that, I’m in trouble.

Someone is going to help me as far as the complaint against the security guard is concerned.   I’m not going to say who they are, but I trust this individual.  They realizes that it’s too pailful for me to have to deal with spoken.

I think I’m just going to isolate over the weekend. I have all the food I need and an internet connection.  It’s going to be ridiculously hot anyway and I prefer to avoid WEPs.

I still don’t feel like sleeping. I’m tired of waking up at 3am.  The longer I stay up now, the less time I’ll have to be conscious tomorrow when I’ll be stuck in all day.

The pathetic ramblings of an ugly-ass freak 

I don’t know wheee to begin, so I’ll start by saying “I don’t know where to begin”….

I saw my therapist today and I expressed that I wanted to get everyone ok the same page as far as my needs are concerned. I need help getting out in the community, as I’m stagnant at the moment and if anything, I’m getting worse.

For some reason, DHS decided to deactivate the new EBT card that they only just sent me last week and are sending a new one.  The problem is I’m now unable to use my food stamps and I’m going to struggle until the new card arrives.  I’m not eating much at the moment anyway and this is essentially giving me an excuse to sink into full blown anorexia.

I’m supposed to be meeting someone tomorrow who replied to my (desperate) ad I placed in the Craigslist personals “missed connections” section.  He isn’t a missed connection, just someone that replied and wants to meet me. I’m sure he won’t like me in person, just like everyone else.    I look uglier in person than I do in pictures and my nasty male sounding voice would be enough to put anyone off.  I realize it’s a massive risk, but my self-esteem is so non-existent anyway that there’s little left to break.

I don’t think I can go any further with the complaint I filed with the New York Division of Human Rights against the security guard that harassed me, twice.  It’s the landlord of the building that I’ve filed a complaint against and their rebuttals are hurting me as far as my gender identity is concerned and they clearly have legal representation.   I didn’t even read the letter I received from them today, because I know it would trigger me to do so.  They claim they had no way of knowing my “preferred pronouns” and that I wasn’t presenting female, which is a lie.  They also claim that the security guard had not spoken to me before the second time he harassed me for “loitering” which is also a lie (first incident of harassment).  It’s too much for me to deal with right now and I’m not strong enough to risk being hit by the tidal wave of dysphoria that pursuing the complaint will most likely subject me to.  I’m extremely upset that others have witnessed this particular guard harassing other people and have told me he’s an asshole, but no one is willing to put their name to it in the form of a statement that might help my cause greatly.   I hate the fact that being transgender gives people a deadly weapon against me and has robbed me of my ability to fight.

I feel so disgusting and ugly, even more so than usual.    I’m paranoid that my testosterone count is still higher than it should be, or that my body is somehow still producing it despite having an orchiectomy and despite having prior counts done that were either extremely low or untraceable as far as the poison is concerned.

I weighed myself at the clinic and I’m still at 161lbs.  I was hoping that I’d stopped a few more pounds,,but being the fat ugly giant freak that I am, I’ve gained instead.  Since I’m unable to boy any any food, I should lose quite a few pounds over the next few days.  My arms are still fucking ugly and I still see muscle that should not be there.

I’m sure M (my missed connection from last summer) has had second thoughts about meeting me in person.  I haven’t heard from her and I don’t expect to. Maybe she just pitied me, which is what people do to me a lot.  She’s far too intelligent and far too attractive to lower herself to associate with someone as pathetic and as ugly as me.  I enjoyed the online interaction with her and I’m glad that I at least got the chance to apologize to her for being so fucking socially awkward when she approached me at the Wegmans supermarket last summer.  She’s too good for me, either as a friend or a potential girlfriend.

I cleaned my apartment this evening mainly out of boredom and just in case the guy I’m meeting tomorrow doesn’t hate me in person and wants to see my place.

I’m tired of being a prisoner.   I can only go certain places at certain times.  I wish there was support and solace in the transgender community, but every time I reach out to it, it just causes me too much pain and dysphoria.  I felt like the ugliest person at the transgender group I went to on Monday.  The support worker who took me is eager for me to go back next Monday.  I would only go for the sake of making a friend, but I doubt anyone there would want to be friends with me and I’d just embarrass myself if I tried to reach out.

More rejection to come tomorrow….it’s so great to be me!

Failed in my mission to join the library 

I set a goal for myself to go and join the library today, but I failed as expected. I walked over there done, hater blockers (sunglasses) on and hater sound blockers (earphones) lodged into my ear drums. But when I got to the library, it suddenly became completely overwhelming and I had no idea where to go. I didn’t feel up to using my wretched male sounding voice to ask anyone, so I left.

All I can say is that I managed to walk there alone. One of my support workers said she’d come with me on Monday so I can get a library card. I hate how useless and incapable I’ve become of doing what should be seemingly simple things. I wanted to join the library today so I could borrow some books for the weekend.

I walked back and got back jest in time to buy some cheap produce from the curbside market van. I saved a fair bit of money and they gave me a $5 voucher to use for next time.

I dropped off my produce and decided to walk over to Boulder Cafe, which is where I am now. It’s mostly empty and I’m probably going to chill here for a while. It’s a shame I didn’t manage to get any new reading material, because the ambience in here is perfect for reading a book.

I had a mini-meltdown this morning when Tinder suspended my account and I lost M’s details. Thankfully, it must’ve just been a glitch, because the account is fine now.

I have therapy tomorrow afternoon, which is much needed. I need everyone to get on the same page so that I can get the help I need to get out in the community more, because I’m tired of existing as an invisible recluse. I’m 50/50 on whether or not to go back to the transgender group on Monday, but apparently my presence was welcomed there and one of them could be a potential friend.

Thr ttamsgender group was actually a good experience.  

The transgender group I went l was actually really good. They were very welcoming and non-cliquish. Some of it was triggering;, but I sense a few friendship opportunities there. The lady that runs the group is awesome and if I can get over my fear of getting out to most places, it’s a place I can go and hang out.  It was mostly trans people of color, but they made me feel far more welcome than the cliquish mostly white group I went to before and didn’t like.   

I’m in Boulder Cafe now. The weather is still hot as fuck and I felt like making the most use of the makeup job I did earlier and the summer stress I’ve finally got to wear. Maybe one of the guys who keep saying they see me in here will show up. I doubt it though. The coffee shop is virtually empty and I see,’o9,”secret admirers”.

Th bottom line is that I had a good day. I feel a little closer to the goal of making friends here. Real friends.

Taking the piss or legitimate admirers?

Loneliness is hitting me like a ton of bricks today.  I got a couple of messages from the Craigslist “missed connections” section, but saying they were too nervous too ask me out. One of them saw me at Boulder Cafe, which is where I am now. I replied to both of them, but got no replies back.  I’m guessing they were just trolling me But here I am at the coffee shop, chasing ghosts.

I went out early to Wegmans to get my grocery shopping. I was good to go late tonight, but after doing 50 squats I still had too much energy. The bus was surprisingly quite busy and therefore a bit uncomfortable, but I walked half the distance there. I really need running shoes, because I will go out walking and running every day. The Park Avenue area of the city is ideal for it. I see lots of other women jogging alone so it must be pretty safe.

I’m going to have stay at the coffee shop for a few hours and hope that someone notices me. I am curious to know why these people are and how long they’ve been checking me out.

The weather is even hotter than it was yesterday; so I really don’t want to be indoors anyway.  I feel far more comfortable out in summer clothes than ugly winter coats.  The only involve pence is that my long white pasty legs seem to attract attention from people and passing cars when I wear shorts. I keep my earphones on and my music loud to drown most of it out.

I’m pretty sure those messages were fake or designed to lure me in somehow. I can’t believe for one second that someone out there would find me attractive.  I’ve only been approached by men 4 times since I got here a year ago.  Two of them were sincere, but way too old and it was an awkward social situation at the time.

All I see here are lots of couples and friends hanging out. I  may go and sit in the garden for a while because it’s too nice of a day to ne inside.  I don’t really want the sun shining on my uglyface tnough, nor do I want to get further bitten by mosquitoes.    

But as you can see, this place is empty:

Went out for a walk by the river….

I went out this morning for a long walk by the river. There weren’t many people out, except a few people running and cycling (all harmless). I don’t know where the urge to go on a long walk came from, but I feel better for doing it. I want to do it every day, but I need more suitable shoes, as in running shoes, but I don’t have the money to spend on them right now.  They would be a good investment though, as I could start running again. There’s a park nearby that has elliptical machines for the general public to use.

I took a bunch of pictures with my 4 year old inactive / wifi only iPhone. The weather was beautiful, but I was getting bitten by mosquitoes:

I’m surprised that I managed to go out on a Saturday at all because of WEPs (weekend and evening people). But I’ve realized that if you go out early enough, people can be avoided. Still, I wish I could go out whenever I felt like it. When I got back to the apartment building, many of the residents I avoid just HAD to be in the lobby as I passed through as quickly as possible. On the way out, I also HAD to run into one of the men who legitimately creeps me out. I’m glad that I have the internet in my apartment now and as a result, I can hole myself up in my apartment for much longer than before.

I don’t have any friends in Rochester, but it’s my home now. Next month (July) will represent a year that I’ve been here. I honestly like the city, even with its crazy extreme climate. I just wish I had a friend or even friends here to do things with. I like going for walks on my own, but sometimes it would be nice to have company. During my walk, I kept imagining how great it would be to have a boyfriend, but I’ve probably got more chance of winning the lottery and being struck by lightning the same day than I have of meeting someone willing to accept me and my plethora of flaws and defects. I’m done with online dating and posting semi-desperate messages on Craigslist.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m going to ask my psychiatrist if I can stop taking Seroquel and try something else.