Reasons why I cannot be in a relationship, despite longing for one…

As much as I want a relationship, I am incapable of being with anyone because:

  1. I hate myself.
  2. I’m ugly.
  3. I’d never be comfortable being naked or even semi-naked with someone.
  4. I don’t like sex because I have a very low libido and I hate what’s between my legs.
  5. I don’t even like kissing.
  6. I have too many insecurities which often lead to jealousy.
  7. I sabotage relationships as a form of self-harm.
  8. I’m not romantic at all.
  9. I failed to make any of my previous partners feel loved.
  10. Sometimes I just want to be left alone.
  11. None of my previous partners could handle my depression.
  12. I can’t trust people.
  13. I ruin people’s lives.
  14. There’s a very strong likelihood that I’ll end up taking my own life, so it would be selfish to put someone through that.
  15. I still love my ex-wife and I cannot imagine anyone coming close to replacing her.  

Fuck it….I’m better off alone.

Lonely and longing for the love I’ll never find

I wish I had a boyfriend. You’ve no idea how happy meeting someone would make me.  It wouldn’t solve all of my problems, but it’d be a wonderful distraction and a chance for me to prove to someone that despite my flaws and mental health issues, I have a lot of love to give.

I’d love to find a man that is rugged, but gentle.   Someone strong and independent that would inspire me, rather than hold me back.  I don’t care about looks, though I’d like to find someone that was active and loved the outdoors.  I don’t mind if he loves sport or going out with his friends. I’m not clingy and I wouldn’t want him to be either.  I’d love to meet someone who can make me laugh and smile, even when I’m feeling down.  I love confidence and I don’t even mind if he’s a little cocky. I can’t have children, but I’d love to meet a single dad and become part of a family.  I wish that I could experience love and the feeling of protection.   

But it’ll never happen…,he doesn’t exist and even if he did, he wouldn’t be interested in me.   I’ll never find love in this life, but hopefully the next life won’t curse me with ugliness and mental health problems.  I want to be a normal girl then woman in my next life. I’ll get to experience the same things as other normal people, except that I’ll appreciate them a dozen times more.  If I’ve learned anything from this life it’s that most people take what they have for granted.

The other day, I almost invited one of the male residents to my apartment so I could cook for him.  I felt bad because he was out of food stamps and was reduced to eating canned spam on Easter Day.   Like me, he was estranged from his family too.   But I didn’t want to embarrass myself, though the illusion of having someone to cook for would’ve been good, plus he’d have got a meal out of it.   I’ve also not had good experiences with the men here anyway.  

I’m so fucking lonely.  

Am I unlovable?

I decided to go out and I’m at the coffee shop I always go to.  I needed to get out of my apartment. Safe Haven is a good book and it’s captured me, but it makes me feel sad and lonely at the same time.  Fiction used to be an escape from reality for me, now it’s just another reminder of what I’ll never have.  It’s extremely painful to watch others fall in love, even if it’s just fictional characters in books or movies.  I had to stop reading, because I was close to tears, while also stuffing my face with candy.

I’ve given up as far as dating sites go. But I don’t know how else to meet men.  I’m terrified to put myself out there. Going to bars is out of the question, as is joining meetup groups.  There’s one guy I fancy that is a resident in my building, but I know I’d have absolutely no chance.  The only man I talk to on a regular basis is a client at the clinic, but he’s gay and engaged so out of the question on both counts.  On the few occasions when men have approached me in public, my anxiety got the better of me and I blew my chances by either shutting down or refusing a compliment.  Who the hell would want to be in a relationship with an ugly transgender girl with mental health issues that doesn’t work?  To add to that, I don’t even like sex, or else I’d probably be quite happy to be someone’s FWB, as even that would be some form of connection that I long for. Actually,  I would love to be hugged or even held. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine what it’d feel like to be held by someone I love and trust and you guessed it, it just makes me feel sad.

I had to leave the clinic earlier than usual.  There were several transgender women there and I didn’t want to be around them.  I don’t hate transgender people, but I would prefer not to run into them for many reasons.

I made black beans and rice for dinner and finished off the salad in the fridge that I’d made yesterday.  I learned how to cook black beans from my mother-in-law when I was married and had a purpose in life.

The 2 pairs of sandals I ordered came in the mail.  To my relief, they both fit just fine. If my feet were any bigger, I’d have a real mission buying women’s shoes.    I’m wearing my pink Converse for the first time and they’re pretty comfortable for brand new shoes and too cute for my ugly body. 

Anyway, I’m lonely as fuck, but I’d rather be at this coffee shop than in my apartment.   I’m going to stay out until I feel tired enough to fall asleep.  I don’t like the restless energy that I have

My thoughts on polyamory and polyamorous people 

Firstly, let me just say that while I don’t consider myself to be polyamorous,  I am open to polyamory under certain circumstances and with the right people.  But as someone once told me, “polyamory is relationships on expert mode” and I’m barely a novice.  Because I’m pre-operative and have poor self-esteem,   I have told people I’ve gotten to know on dating sites that I’d be okay with them having a FWB or even another girlfriend, as long as I was the ‘primary’ and she didn’t live with us. In other words, if it was just sex, I would not feel like I was being cheated on.

Having first been introduced to polyamory back in the summer of 2014, I was keen to learn more about it.  I joined poly groups on Facebook and even went to a poly meeting at someone’s hose in Fort Lauderdale.  I met some very interesting people, including a woman I ended up dating on / off.

What I quickly learned about polyamory is that poly people are split into 2 groups.  The first group are those who quite literally want to “spread the love”, which is a phrase that was coined by someone at the meeting.  Such people are usually selfless and consider their partners as family.  Then there’s second group, who are people who most likely aren’t poly at all, but just greedy and desire multiple partners. Such people are insecure and indecisive.  They suffer from low self-esteem and they need validation from dating multiple people.  In my experience, usually these are men. Such men tend to have between 2 and 4 bisexual girlfriends, perhaps with one designated as the primary. Usually, such men are not comfortable with their primary girlfriend dating other men, which is highly sexist and hypocritical.  I have met a couple of women who were blatantly poly in name only for selfish reasons, including an ex-girlfriend of mine.  Such people give the authentic poly people a bad name and tarnish the image of polyamory.

As for me, as previously stated,  I don’t consider myself polyamorous but I am open to it.  I might be more inclined to share my man if he were to agree to not be sexually demanding of me and would seek that from another partner.   Also, I would not be comfortable with a threesome and I would prefer to have little to do with the other girlfriend, because I would rather it be out of sight and out of mind. Perhaps what I’m open to is more of an open relationship than polyamory itself. I offer the option to men that are interested in me because I feel like I’m not good enough.  I say that I’m poly because I’m insecure and as previously stated,  I turn my insecurities inwards, rather than seek validation through polyamory.

It almost seems like everyone is poly these days, but most of the people who say they’re poly actually aren’t and are less interested in spreading the love and in it for selfish purposes.

Bisexual, but only interested in a relationship with a man 

I’ve made a decision and it’s a decision I’ve made before, but I didn’t stick to it.  I’m sexually and romantically attracted to both men and women, but I’ve decided that I no longer wish to date women.   I don’t like how I feel in same sex relationships and the dynamic doesn’t work for me. I end up feeling like I have to compete with my girlfriend and there are needs that I have that weren’t getting met.    I feel more feminine with a male partner and that is a huge deal, as far as how that person can make me feel.

I do want female friends though.  I just don’t want another relationship with a woman, just as I didn’t want a relationship with a man before I transitioned.   I think my needs have changed as I’ve changed.  My sexuality itself hasn’t changed though.

I’m aware that dating men comes with great risk.  There isn’t just the risk of violence and sexual assault. Men are far more blunt and far more ‘visual’ than women are.  As a transgender woman, there is also the risk of running into chasers, who see transwomen as a fetish.  There are also closeted bisexual men who use transwomen to ‘experiment’ as a stepping stone to dating men.  Men are more likely to engage in harassment and bullying.  They are less tactful and less likely to consider my feelings as a result of their actions.  But it is what it is. I’m not the only transwoman on earth attracted to men.  I think trans-lesbians have it easier.  They can always date other transwomen if they can’t find a cisgender woman willing to date them.  Even I’ve managed to date lesbians, so I’m sure that most can.

I’m keeping my word this time though.  I know it means I’ll be alone for the rest of my existence and will have to take enormous risks.   But when I imagine what my ideal relationship would be, it’s always with a man, not a woman.   I just wish I could find a man willing to date me in spite of my many flaws.   

Male selfishness and self-entitlement (“obligatory sex”)

Why are many men so selfish and self-entitled when it comes to dating and relationships?  If he does something for her, he expects to be paid back in sex.  If she fails to meet those obligations, he cheats or leaves her and blames her for the failure of the relationship.

I ended up blocking a guy on OK Cupid yesterday.  He seemed alright at first, but then he started asking me about sex and telling me he is kinky in the bedroom and liked to try new things.  I objected to this, as I don’t like to talk about sex with someone I haven’t even met. He then went on to explain how he “put up” with his ex girlfriend for 3 years and how she was failing to meet his obligations.  He said “she didn’t make me happy ” so I asked “did yo make her happy?” and he stayed silent.  I’m betting that if anything, she’s the one that suffered, not him.   Maybe she was deprsssed or maybe she felt like all he cared about was sex.  

Women do not exist to please men.  Sex should not be a demand, but something that happens in a loving relationship.

Rant over.

Bad people get what they want

My ex-girlfriend didn’t treat me very well.  We broke up in May last year, largely because her version of polyamory involved her quite literally ‘replacing’ me with her new girlfriend, who was a friend of mine.  This all took place while I was still living with her.  For a while, I was essentially cooking and cleaning for my ex, her son and her new girlfriend (her son was the only one who showed any appreciation).   They both tried to turn my friends, my support worker and even my mother against me.  It pushed me over the edge, but in the end, my mum and her husband got me and 2 of the kittens that my ex was going to give away to spite me out of there.

I still keep in touch with that particular ex from time to time on Facebook, which is where I met her in 2015.  For all of her problems and despite the fact that she treated me and her other girlfriends badly, she now has a new girlfriend, a friend with benefits and she told me she was meeting some other girl over the weekend.  I am not judging her for her lifestyle choices, but will someone please explain to me how this is fair?’  She treated me and others lkle shit, she used me as a stopgap, a maid and a babysitter.  Yet I’ve been alone for almost a year and I can’t even make a friend. Not only has she not had to deal with the consequences of her actions, but she has seemingly been REWARDED for them.

Why am I mentioning this?  Because it goes to show that being a bad person gets you further in life.  Though god forbid I were to cheat on someone, because the guilt would devour me, just like it does for what happened with my ex-wife (when she found out about my gender identity in 2011).  My ex girlfriend can go on screwing people around (or just screwing people) amd I’m eternally alone, because I’m stupid and ugly.  She hates herself as much as I hate mysslf and was always complaining that she could never meet people, but she does.  She’s never had to be alone for a prolonged period, because she hops from one girlfriend to the next.

I wish people wouldn’t talk to me about their relationships, period.  I fell out with an online friend, because she was also poly and she kept talking about her partners to me.  It got to the point where I snapped and ended up blocking her, because she just didn’t get it.   It’s a shame, because she lived in Syracuse, which isn’t that far away, so she could have become an actual ‘real’ friend. But why do people do this?  Why would you talk to your single friends that are struggling with loneliness about your relationship(s)?

Then I have to remind myself that the president of the United States, Donald Trump is a horrible person.  When he won the election last November, it served to remind me that bad people get far in life, unless they’re cursed with bad luck  This is one of the main reasons why I don’t want to carry on.

I don’t have a good heart anymore, because this is how people see me: