I’m not liking Seroquel so far. Like Mirtazapine, it helps me fall asleep and stay asleep for 3-4 hours. But like Mirtazapine, it’s a ‘dirty sleep‘ in which I don’t experience any pre-sleep calming drowsiness; I go from being awake one minute to asleep the next. I wake up feeling awful, as if I’d been drinking heavily the previous night, but without the dehydration. I have to drink 3 cups of coffee just to rid myself of the dull headache and I’m extremely moody, which isn’t good when I’m living in such close quarters with other people.
I had a dream involving S last night. I was trying to convince her that I had rid myself of this transgender curse, so I could be the person she needed me to be. But she didn’t believe me and slammed a door in my face. I then found myself on a street of terraced houses somewhere in north west England, surrounded by other transgender people, some of whom I used to know.
I woke up a few hours ago feeling awful, as I do now. I always wake up with these insane lows. Sometimes they ease up, sometimes they don’t. I miss S so badly. She was my world; the only human being I have ever had such a strong connection with. I know I’m probably coming off as some sort of obsessive moron and I know you’re thinking “Get over it, for fuck’s sake!”. I’m even worried that she’s reading this blog, which is unlikely, but also not beyond the realm of possibility. If she were to read this, she’d probably tell me to fuck off or perhaps she’s even laughing at what a pathetic excuse for a human being that I am. The only reason I’m trying to stop carrying the torch is for her sake, but I believe that carrying this torch is a form of punishment for robbing her of the nine years of her life that we were married, but she was miserable.
I have nothing planned today. It’s Monday morning and I should be going to work, if I had a job and were well enough to work in the first place. By 6am, I am always awake to be up for the job that I don’t have. So it’ll be another difficult day holed up in this apartment, trying to evade sound triggers (misophonia) caused by my friend who I share a bedroom with (I already bit her head off once this morning).
I’m desperate for this nightmare to end, but I’ve no idea how to escape it. A change in medication and a more favorable living situation *might* help, or it’d just cause my mind to torment me with one of the many other things it can torment me with. But at least if I were living someone else, these people would be rid of the burden that is yours truly. I’ve realized that I absolutely cannot be around other people.
Maybe I’ll go out when it gets dark, despite the fact that the soles on my walking shoes are so worn out that they have holes in them. I just can’t relax here at all, unless I lock myself in the bathroom, which gets claustrophobic after a while. My mental state hangs in the balance, as I try to resist the powerful urge to combust and hurt myself so severely that I’d end up in hospital.
I’ve been listening to ‘The Scientist’ by Coldplay on repeat. So relevant….
“Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start.”