Pushing people away and sabotaging potential friendships and romantic relationships 

Although I’ve been unable to break the cycle as far as pushing people away and sabotaging potential connections go, I’m aware that I do it.  I do it because I find it so hard to trust and to let people in. CI’ve also done it to remove myself as a burden to that person.  It is a common trait associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which I have been diagnosed with in the past.  

There are a few people I’ve pushed away over the last few years that I truly regret pushing away.  The most recent was a transgender woman named Paige.  I also now regret pushing Holly and Stephanie away.  They had no malicious intent towards me, they were just out of their depth as far as helping me was concerned.  There are even people online who I regret pushing away or being rude to because I took something they said the wrong way.

I actually hope that some of the people I’ve pushed away get to read this.  While they may not forgive me, I hope they’ll understand why. But there are some that I would give my right leg to have another chance with.

I suggest watching the video on this page if you push people away or simply want to understand why some people engage in such behavior:

Pushing People Away, Yet Wanting Closeness | Abandonment & Being Hurt

While I can relate to the “why” part, I feel like fixing it is possibly beyond me, as it requires building of confidence and self-esteem.  I’ve never had either confidence or positive self-esteem.  But it is an issue I plan on raising with my therapist next time, if I remember that is.

Reflecting on the monster that I’ve become

I’ve been told that the move in date for the treatment housing should be around the end of this month.   I met with the lady that will be my care coordinator and “go to” person.  We discussed my needs, my strengths and weaknesses and my triggers.  I have to go again tomorrow for a community meeting, which is being held at a location downtown.  I’m already very nervous.

Therapy was a combination of me venting and discussing the future (work, school and having a ‘normal’ life).   I told him about meeting T (the guy from Tinder) and how it didn’t go badly and how I overcame a major obstacle, after taking a massive risk by meeting him.  The general consensus is that actual ‘therapy’ can start once I’m in a stable living situation.  Right now, I’m in pure survival mode.
Speaking of T, he messaged me earlier to say he was spending the day with his son. I’m still trying to just distance myself, so as not to appear clingy or too keen. I’m talking to another guy I might meet for coffee, only he’s old enough to be my dad. But the way I see it is that if people are sincere and they respect me, I’d be willing to at least meet up. I’m tired of being locked inside my head anyway.

My depression comes and goes, though even when it eases somewhat, I am still incapable of positive thinking or raising of hopes. My mental health has taken a huge battering from almost 4 months of social isolation and multiple scares at the motel. It’s changed me, but not in a good way. I’ve never been so socially inept and incapable of doing things on my own. I don’t know how long it will take to repair the damage, if it even can be repaired. It’s almost like I’m going to have to start from scratch, in terms of my social skills and coping skills.

What a total mess I’ve become.  My BPD has shifted up several gears.  I’ve never felt disconnected from the human race.    The way I overreact amd push people away is upsetting to me, even if some of them deserved it. I have no filter anymore.  I don’t like the total bitch I’ve become; this is not who I am. Trauma, social isolation and 5 1/2 years of chaos and uncertainty have changed me for the worse.   So much ‘bad blood’….

Longing for human company, but it’s out of reach

I hate the fact that I’ve become such a monster.  I assume people are out to hurt me and I can’t trust anyone’s intentions.

If I’ve hurt you and your intentions were genuine, I’m sorry.  Unfortunately I can’t read people and I’m wounded and the prolonged isolation and loneliness has ruined me.  I don’t mean to hurt anyone or to lash out, but I’m so afraid of getting hurt that I feel like I have to strike the first blow.  I get triggered because so many things trigger me these days.

I just want to die, that’s all.  I’m already dead to the world and dead inside anyway.  I can’t exist this way anymore, abandoned and left to die slowly in a budget motel room, where I have been since the end of October.  I long for human company, but it’s so far out of reach.  I need more than online friends, but I can’t even reach out to them, because it’s just words on a screen.

I’ve made *the* decision because there’s nothing left but pain.  So again, if I’ve hurt you and your intentions were genuine, I’m truly sorry (and only you will know what your intentions were towards me).

Unhinged and hurting


You probably won’t be surprised to know this, but my situation and mental state have worsened since my last update.  My dysphoria has taken over and I see no hope at all.  I’m facing the prospect of living alone again very soon, which is something I am not ready for yet and painfully unprepared. 
I have not been right since being harassed on OK Cupid last weekend.  To add to that, my dysphoria was worsened still by a former transgender follower on here who set me off and running into a transgender woman at the clinic I go to, which left me feeling like an ugly failure.  This is why I maintain that staying away from the transgender community is the best thing for my sanity.  I was also triggered from receiving my benefit card in my deadname, which had an absolutely awful photo of me on it.  I can’t help but feel that this is a sick joke.  

My presence here, my self hate and depresion is triggering my friend.  I told her yesterday that it would be for the best if I just left.  No one should have to deal with me, especially if they suffer from similar problems.  I am not much company anyway; I hardly talk and I cry a lot and lock myself in the bathroom. 

Suppressing the urge to self harm has caused massive stress.  I have no release; I can’t cut myself, drink or slam my ugly face against the wall, which is what my urges are telling me to do.  I can’t harm another human being, but I can punish this hideous body.  This pain is simply unreal and too much to take.  It doesn’t stop and I cannot stop these thoughts from tormenting me, even during sleep in the form of nightmares.

My huge, ugly nose is one of many physical flaws and one of the reasons why I want to put a veil over my face into I can give up:

I removed a load of ‘friends’ from Facebook, including a true friend.  I did this because she is dealing with her own shit, so I did not want her dealing with mine.  People won’t tell me directly that I’m a burden, but I know that I am.     Plan X would not be a selfish thing at all; it would be the most unselfish thing I’ve ever done and it may even help the greater good by raising awareness of the issues that torment me.

I am a relic, a stain on this earth and a net drain.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to make me comfortable in my own skin (never mind happy).  It is only going to get worse as I get older, uglier and evn less relevant,  I missed the boat a long time ago and at this point, I’m just sitting here waiting to find the courage to end this existence and move on to the next, or an eternity of nothingness.  Whatever you think of me or my life in general, please understand that this is not living.  This is notning but constant ‘invisible’ pain that few people even believe, never mind understand.

I just can’t do this anymore.