Longing to be normal 

I slept horribly last night, largely because I took my medication far too early as I simply couldn’t stand being conscious. I was pacing around the apartment building, losing my mind. I broke down in tears when I got back to my empty and internet-less apartment and decided that I’d had enough.

Since it’s a bank holiday, I’m going to have to go to the coffee shop again to get online.  I feel worse than I did yesterday and i wouldn’t go out at all if I didn’t have the insatiable need to get online and at least feel ‘connected’ to something.

I still fee like I’m eating too much. I feel guilty because I ate an apple when I woke up at 3am. Perhaps I should stop putting soy milk in my coffee and just drink it black.  Since I had a bowl of bran flakes yesterday, I’m not allowing myself to have a bowl of bran flakes again today.  While I feel like I’m losing weight around my belly and can now fit into my size 9 shorts, my arms are still disgustingly ugly. When I go to the coffee shop,  I ether drink coffee with skimmed milk or sugarless ice tea (it’s literally just cold tea with ice, not that nasty sugary chemical shit).   Now that the scars from my surgery have healed enough, I’ve started doing squats and crunches again.

I have no one to talk to in the treatment apartment that I live in. E triggered me far too much and only seemed to want to talk about the guys she’s fucked.  Christine doesn’t talk to me anymore either, even though I’ve tried knocking on her door a few times.  Nobody here likes me and some of them flat out hate me. It is getting old…I feel like I’m an outcast among outcasts.   I am insanely lonely and the loneliness is driving me insane and is further robbing me of any motivation to try to get better.  Even being in the coffee shop is tough, seeing and overhearing normal people have normal conversations.

I’m still not really getting the long-term help I need, which is help in the community.   I cannot continue like this, only able to go 2-3 places on my own (and even that is very dependent on timing).  I don’t feel safe in my apartment because I’m cut off and alone with my thoughts.  I have to get internet and soon.  Going out when I’m not well enough is doing harm, not good.   

When I weigh myself at the clinic tomorrow, I hope I’m at least below 170lbs or I’m done with food completely.  

“Don’t be a man in a dress”

I spent several hours at Boulder Cafe nearby yesterday, but I left around 5:30pm, when it started getting busy.

I wish I hadn’t opened the letter from the New York Division Of Human Rights.  It’s obvious that I cannot win and it has caused more dysphoria on top of the dysphoria I’m already (not) dealing with. I should’ve just left it and not complained at all.    They’re clearly not going to take any action and are only concerned with covering their own asses, rather than just apologizing for the panic attack and psychotic episode caused that Friday morning.    I’m not even safe in a state or country with good anti-discrimination laws.   Such laws are useless if they’re never going to be enforced.  According to this I’m nothing but a loiterer and I look male. You might as well just put a billet in my head:

The realist is that much of this is a lie. I was presenting female.   I had makeup on and was carrying a purse.  When the 2nd guard saw me, my head was covered up too. I truly wish I’d just stayed quiet now, because this is only hurting me more and nothing positive will come out of it that will benefit anyone else unfortunate enough to be in my position.   Assholes get away with being assholes in this society.  Look no further than the piece of shit sitting in the White House for proof of that.

It’s time for me to quit. It’s been time for me to quit for the last few years, especially after losing S and with my mental health declining to the point that I can no longer function in society. I avoid the news, but I keep hearing scary rumors on the grapevine that many of us are going to lose our healthcare soon.  I almost want it to happen to me, because that will be a sure-fire catalyst to force me to take my own life. I don’t have a future anyway,

I stopped reading my book Nightwalker, by Heather Graham at the part after the second killing took place.  The guy was roughly my age and he was killed in what the cops initially described as a “hit and run”, but it was actually a murder. This is the excerpt from the book that has added further fuel to the fire of my suicidal ideation:

I wouldn’t jump in front of a car or truck, unless one happened to be deliberately trying to mow me down.  It would be too dangerous to the driver and would traumatized him or her. But I would pick a much larger and much more fast moving object as my “way out”.  I’m not going into any more depth beyond saying I’ve have the “how and where” planned for several months. “When” is the only variable.  But to go into any further detail on a public blog would be foolish in my part.   I just know that it’s my destiny and it comforts me to know that the one element of control over my existence that I have left is that I can quit at any time.  But the paragraph is how I envisage my own death…painless and so quick that I won’t have time for a dying thought or to have to see my pathetic life flash by me, thus denying my mind one final opportunity to torment me.  

I’m not seeking attention or for anyone to save me.  This blog is a place of unfiltered honesty and I’m just expressing how I feel.  I don’t want any pity or sympathy for that represents validation of my insecurities.  I feel like I’ve not only failed at life, but failed at transition too. I tried to kill myself right before coming out as transgender for the final time, because I knew it wouldn’t work. And something my former transgender “mentor” named Jennifer told me has stuck with me:

“Don’t be a man in a dress”.

A friend of mine blasted her for saying it, but she’s right.  Transgender people are not cross-dressers, so what’s the point in presenting female when people still see you as male?  You are just setting yourself up for abuse, harassment, loneliness and being ostracized from the human race.  Caitlyn Jenner was right too when she said something along the lines of “looking like a man in a dress makes people uncomfortable”.  I can’t stand her, but she makes a good point. Passing isn’t about winning beauty contests and it’s not a pissing contest. It’s about safety.  The more you blend in, the easier your life and transition will be. And in my case, I thought I was doing relatively okay until the incident with those security guards and prior to the rejections I’ve been getting during my attempts at dating.

Now I feel like nothing more than a man in a dress. And that is the reason why I want to kill myself; not because of “haters” and not because of the fact that I’ve failed at life and that part of my depression is due to a chemical imbalance.  I want to die because I know that it’ll only get worse as I get older and uglier and even less relevant as a human being.   I want to die because I am burning with envy of people who represent what I’ll never have and who I’ll never be.  I want to die because fighting back is pointless and I don’t have the energy.  I want to die because I’m a burden to the system and someone with better genetics and a will to live could get the help that I’m getting and actually benefit from it.

Not long now, I promise.   I hope you’re enjoying witnessing my demise, although I put myself out there in the hope that someday someone with the power to change things for the better will read this and use it to help others.  No one should have to exist like this. I wouldn’t wish my life on my worst enemy.

Anyway, since the clinic is closed and I have no internet at home, I have to walk to the coffee shop while not feeling mentally well or strong enough to be in the outside world.   I will pray to god for peace and protection and to be left alone.  I can’t handle any more ‘scares’.  The coffee shop itself is safe, but walking to and from there never feels safe at all.   I will be wearing headphones to drown out all sound and sunglasses to dim the world and avoid eye contact.   

“Something Just Like This” 


I slept relatively well last night, despite waking up twice.    Improved sleep is one added benefit of eating much less.  I had a vivid and long dream in which there was a war going on between 3 kingdoms over disputed and highly arable valley territory. I was a young princess.  I was trying to negotiate for peace.  Then I remember us all being evacuated from a burning castle, but I chose to stay and die as a martyr, but then I woke up (disoriented).

I tried to eat a salad for breakfast, but I could only manage to eat half of it and a cup of coffee.   I really can’t stand the sight of food anymore and I don’t even feel hungry, just lethargic.  I weighed myself yesterday and I’m still at 169lbs. I need to lose much more, as I still feel huge, disgusting, muscular and bloated. It goes to show that before, I was just eating out of sheer boredom. Now that eating is no longer a coping mechanism,  I am letting the rest of these ugly arm and shoulder muscles and my nasty stomach waste away and I can return to single digit clothing sizes.  If I have to start purging food, I’ll do that too, though I don’t eat enough to make that necessary.  

I vented to one of the support staff last night, but it didn’t little more than kill time.   I keep telling them that I don’t need help with living skills – I need help getting out in the community. I need internet access in my apartment more than anything.  I’ve been forcing myself out just to use the internet and that has been damaging on the days when I didn’t feel well enough to go out at all.

I don’t talk to E anymore. Part of me wants to thank her for pointing out my ugly muscles, but part of me hates her for triggering my eating disorder that I’d managed to overcome for several years since I stopped drinking.  I wish she hadn’t said anything, but then I’d still be 184lbs and blissfully unaware how disgusting my arms looked.  She hangs out with men anyway, men that live here and hate me. I don’t trust her.

As for today, I’m not sure whether to go to the clinic or the coffee shop.    I had s meltdown at the clinic yesterday because was getting overwhelmed with all the stuff going on in my life and receiving mail and not knowing what to do with it. I will probably go to the coffee shop first and read my book.

And is this sad, and pathetic or what? I look at the Craigslist personals, “missed connections” to see if anyone in Rochester noticed me in a good way.  I know it’s stupid,, but that’s how desperate I am.  But I also know that I cannot be in a relationship given my disdain for my body and fear of physical intimacy.  Asexual men are hard to find and many asexuals are aromantic, so we’d just be like friends / roommates.

My therapist tells me I need to establish a “safe space” before I start facing the outside world, but that is impossible until I get internet access in my apartment.    I’m afraid to sign up for Frontier as it’s a contract and I am transitioning from DHS cash assistance to SSD and that could take time and leave me with no income for a while.   Also, it’s $50 a month, which seems expensive.  I don’t need or want cable television.  Most of what I watch is on YouTube or Netflix.   But if I had internet, I could make this apartment my home and my safe place.   I’d only go out when I needed to and when I felt well enough. 

I don’t pay much attention to music anymore, but I love this song.   It’s the best thing Coldplay have done in 13 years, even though it’s a collaboration.   I wanted to hate it, but it grew on me quickly:

“She said, where’d you wanna go?
How much you wanna risk?
I’m not looking for somebody
With some superhuman gifts
Some superhero
Some fairytale bliss
Just something I can turn to
Somebody I can miss.”

I ended up at the coffee shop, despite the shitty rain that has been almost constant for almost a week.   

I belong in a big city 

I talked to my therapist about how I’m essentially “giving up” on attempts at socializing or dating here in Rochester.  It is too much of a risk to my mental health and not worth the (unlikely) reward.  I’m ever going to distance myself from E, because her ‘comment’ about my arm muscle has made it difficult for me to eat and has given me another reason to loathe my body.

I’m just going to have to pay for internet in my apartment now that Frontier are servicing the building.  I’ll keep to my apartment once I’ve got wifi.  I’ll only go out when I have to or when I feel well enough to, certainly not every day and I won’t need to go anywhere just for wifi.    I know it’s an expense, but I’m not ready for the outside world and perhaps I never will be.

I also discussed the idea of eventually aiming to live in a big city such as NYC, Philadelphia or Seattle even.  I feel more comfortable (or rather less uncomfortable) in big, busy, cosmopolitan cities.    I know that people left me the fuck alone in London and that allowed me to travel a lot more freely.  Rochester is a decent city, but I don’t think I have a future here, because I don’t fit in and people seem to have no filter and they make unwanted comments.  I doubt I’d have much chance of finding a job here, when that day comes. I need to focus on getting better and going to school to make myself employable, wherever I move.   I’m not interested in dating or making friends here anymore. It’s just not worth it.   Pretty much everyone I’ve met here has hurt me, whether they meant to or not (excluding support workers and my therapist).   I’m convinced that at least one of those people is still reading my blog and having a good laugh about it all.  

I’ll return to being an online entity and I’ll only go out when I need to or when I feel up to it.

I don’t belong in the outside world…please just leave me alone!

I’m at the clinic because I have therapy and I have to see my care manager about a “change” (I think he’s pushing me off to someone else).

I managed to go out and buy a few groceries last night, despite the persistent rain and my severe anxiety.   The bus was virtually empty both ways.  I bought apples, romaine lettuce, bran flakes, tomatoes, tea and soy milk.  That is essentially going to be my diet from now on. I can’t starve myself, but I can come close, without screwing up my metabolism.   I also bought moisturizer for my uglyface. 

I’m tired of the residents in my building.  I know some of them hate me and some of them downright scare me.  E has triggered more dysphoria in me after she noticed muscles in my arms.  She keeps talking about sex too, so now I have to avoid her completely.

In fact, I’ve got to the point where I just want to be left alone.   I’ve given up on making friends and dating, especially here in Rochester.  Once I know how much I’ll be getting on SSD,  I’ll figure out if I can afford to get the internet in my apartment.  That way, I won’t NERD to go out every day.  I’ll still go out, but only at certain times (e.g. late Sunday night) when I know it’s safer. My mum did leave me some money for the installation, so that is covered.  I still need to know how much it’ll be monthly. I don’t care about cable television or getting a cell phone. Once I have wifi in my apartment, I can make cheap calls through an app that I downloaded.  I was better off when I was almost solely an online entity.  The outside world is far too frightening and I’ve had almost nothing but negative interactions with others. I have more control online;  I can’t block people and report them. You can’t do that in the outside world.

I read some more of my book yesterday, before I got overwhelmed with sadness, tears streaming down my face.  I had to leave the common room, although no one saw me.    I keep bumping into a guy that lives here who flat out hates me.  He seems to be everywhere.  He looks at me with such hate and disgust that I can feel it.  I’m sure he’d love to beat me to death to get rid of the freak, as would many other residents here.
I tried talking to the support worker on duty last night about how awful I feel about my body, but she just didn’t get it.  Her response was “everyone has something they hate about themselves”.  Well I hate almost everything about myself. She is one of the beautiful people and she could get any guy that she wanted. No cisgender person can compare how they feel about their body to how I feel about mine.   She’s a good person, but I think the conversation did more harm than good.

Too ugly for the outside world 

The wifi was down at the clinic yesterday and last night.  I spent yesterday evening at the nearby coffee shop using their wifi instead.  One of the residents from my apartment building recognized me and introduced herself.  We talked for 15-20 minutes before she had to leave.

I was feeling restless last night and I walked to a nearby bar, where I stood outside using their free wifi as the wifi at the clinic was still down.   I didn’t stay long; because there were shady people and cars passing by and I had briefly forgotten that I’d gone out dressed in pajama pants and a tank top that I usually only wear to bed (not the smartest of ideas).

It took me forever to fall asleep last night, despite taking 3 Seroquel.  I lay awake worrying myself stupid and feeling extremely lonely at the same time.  I eventually fell asleep just before midnight, but I woke up at 3am after having a panic-inducing nightmare and couldn’t get back to sleep.

I signed up for a group putting to a thrift store later this morning.  I always feel guilty for spending money on myself, but I need more summer clothes and clothes shopping is one of the few things I enjoy.     I do have quite a lot of clothes, but many of them were bought over 2 years ago when 1) I wasn’t as confident presenting female as 2) my body shape has changed quite drastically due to hormones, so some of those clothes don’t fit me anymore.  I would advise anyone starting hormones to WAIT a year or so before investing in a whole new wardrobe.

The girl I met on Tuesday never emailed me, which reinforces tie absolute need for me to give up on dating and love.  I’m never going to find anyone and I’m now too scared to meet anyone from a dating site ever again.  My best friend told me that I feel too bad about myself to date, which is largely true, but I hate myself for a very valid reason: I’m ugly.  Why else would people either pity me, go ‘weird’ on me or just not contact me again after meeting me in person?  It HAS to be because of the way I look. Why else would this keep happening?  My real life persona is the same as my online persona.  The only difference is that I generally try my hardest to hide my pain as far as the outside world goes, even though some people do notice the pain in my eyes.  If I weren’t ugly, maybe I’d consider the fact that it might be that people assume that I don’t like them because of my awkwardness, aloofness and inability to make eye contact.  It wouldn’t be beyond the realm of possibility, being as I was recently told by one of the residents in my building that he thought I was angry with him.  But I’m ugly….ugly as fuck.  I’ve been single for over a year, which is the longest I’ve ever been single since my first “proper” relationship at 23 years old.

Then I start missing S again. She’s the only person that has ever truly loved me.   I keep thinking that if she’d been able to be with me as I am now, our relationship would’ve survived and I would have been a much better partner and friend to her.  I imagine that my transition would’ve been so much easier if we’d stayed together, but it was excruciatingly difficult for her and it is selfish on my part to even harbor such wishes.  She is better off without me and as much as meeting her was the best thing ever to have happened to me, I wish she hadn’t met me for her sake.

A lifetime of loneliness is as certain as death, as far as my life is concerned.  Even if I hadn’t transitioned, it’s unlikely that I’d have found love.  I have too many flaws and deformities to fix just to make myself look somewhere close to ‘average’ and I wouldn’t even know where to start.  I have asked for referrals to a chiropractor to fix my ugly (and painful) feet and an ear nose and thrust specialist to fix my huge nose, as it isn’t just ugly; it’s causing breathing problems too.   I could see an orthodontist / maxillofacial surgeon about fixing my jaw, but that would involve major surgery that I am terrified of, especially as I wouldn’t be able to look after myself post-surgery.  

I need to just avoid the outside world as much as possible, as it’ll never be safe for me and it only serves to remind me of what I’ll never have and who I’ll never be.   My dysphoria has returned with a vengeance and that is largely due to exposure with the outside world and situations that I have little or no control over.  The help that I’m getting now won’t last forever and without it I’d be truly fucked.  Ironically, I was able to be more functional when I self-medicated with drugs and alcohol.

My ‘goals’ are clearer now…

I haven’t updated this blog for a while.  I had an orchiectomy done on Tuesday, meaning that I no longer need to take blockers.  Being in hospital was a traumatic experience and coming home to an empty apartment after surgery caused extreme feelings of loneliness.  The pain isn’t that bad, though I’m going to be somewhat restricted for the next 2-3 weeks.

Being forced to deal with the outside world and losing internet access at home has proven to be detrimental to my mental health.  The outside world is a far scarier place than I’d imagined.   I was better off avoiding it and existing almost solely as an online entity.  I have far more control over my interactions with people online than I do in the outside world.  I don’t want to go into it because it isn’t safe to here, but I’ve had a lot of bad experiences lately that have caused me a massive amount of dysphoria and self-hatred.  

On the other hand, E (one of the 2 residents I talk to) and I are not only talking again, but I feel like we have a lot in common.  I spent hours at her place yesterday and we just talked and listened to late 90’s / early 00’s music as we are both around the same age.  She also feels like an outcast and that nobody accepts her here, though I see absolutely nothing about her that anyone needs to “accept”.  She’s a cool girl and an amazing writer. We are both bisexual and she even said she’d date me.  It’s certainly not out of the question, especially as I’ve already let my guard down with her.   I would worry about negativity directed towards her from other residents, especially as she deals with enough crap. 

I have therapy this afternoon and I’m seeing the nurse to help me deal with the aftermath of my surgery.  I  want to work and go to school, which is what I am planning on talking to my therapist about.  I worry that I’m unemployable and that I’m unlikely to find an employer willing to accommodate my mental health issues (mainly anxiety).  School would be a good start, as it would help me prepare for work and would make me far more employable.  I’d probably need to pass a GED test first, as I never finished the equivalent of high school in the UK.  I thought about changing careers and even becoming a truck driver, but I think I’m going to stick with accounting and finance.  It may not be the most exciting field, but it’s what I know and it doesn’t require people skills.  I’m also going to talk to my therapist about eventually moving to NYC, as I find big cities less anxiety provoking because you’re anonymous.

Of course. I have to find someone willing to come to Social Security with me first to give them the court order so they can change my name, finally.  I hope that can be done next week, as I’m still in limbo.

I crave normalcy and I’m tired of sitting still and just getting older and uglier.  I want to focus on other things beyond gender.  I want to feel like a human being, not a transgender freak.  I’m at the point where I’m done with trying to date people and make friends.    The outside world has done a number on me over the last few weeks and it’s changing me.  I’m becoming an asshole and I’m becoming confrontational.  I could get away with it before I transitioned, but I won’t get away with it now. But I’m sick of continually staying silent and internalizing the pain that others cause me, while they walk away and have a good laugh.c  I’m sick of people pitying me or telling me they “accept” me.    I’m sick of being told how “brave” I am.  You can call me brave when I’m living independently and being a productive member of society, despite being a freak and a weirdo with mental health issues.   My goals are clear now: work, school and move to NYC.   I’m going to take my focus off transition, gender and finding love, as those subjects are causing me too much pain.