“Don’t be a man in a dress”

I spent several hours at Boulder Cafe nearby yesterday, but I left around 5:30pm, when it started getting busy.

I wish I hadn’t opened the letter from the New York Division Of Human Rights.  It’s obvious that I cannot win and it has caused more dysphoria on top of the dysphoria I’m already (not) dealing with. I should’ve just left it and not complained at all.    They’re clearly not going to take any action and are only concerned with covering their own asses, rather than just apologizing for the panic attack and psychotic episode caused that Friday morning.    I’m not even safe in a state or country with good anti-discrimination laws.   Such laws are useless if they’re never going to be enforced.  According to this I’m nothing but a loiterer and I look male. You might as well just put a billet in my head:

The realist is that much of this is a lie. I was presenting female.   I had makeup on and was carrying a purse.  When the 2nd guard saw me, my head was covered up too. I truly wish I’d just stayed quiet now, because this is only hurting me more and nothing positive will come out of it that will benefit anyone else unfortunate enough to be in my position.   Assholes get away with being assholes in this society.  Look no further than the piece of shit sitting in the White House for proof of that.

It’s time for me to quit. It’s been time for me to quit for the last few years, especially after losing S and with my mental health declining to the point that I can no longer function in society. I avoid the news, but I keep hearing scary rumors on the grapevine that many of us are going to lose our healthcare soon.  I almost want it to happen to me, because that will be a sure-fire catalyst to force me to take my own life. I don’t have a future anyway,

I stopped reading my book Nightwalker, by Heather Graham at the part after the second killing took place.  The guy was roughly my age and he was killed in what the cops initially described as a “hit and run”, but it was actually a murder. This is the excerpt from the book that has added further fuel to the fire of my suicidal ideation:

I wouldn’t jump in front of a car or truck, unless one happened to be deliberately trying to mow me down.  It would be too dangerous to the driver and would traumatized him or her. But I would pick a much larger and much more fast moving object as my “way out”.  I’m not going into any more depth beyond saying I’ve have the “how and where” planned for several months. “When” is the only variable.  But to go into any further detail on a public blog would be foolish in my part.   I just know that it’s my destiny and it comforts me to know that the one element of control over my existence that I have left is that I can quit at any time.  But the paragraph is how I envisage my own death…painless and so quick that I won’t have time for a dying thought or to have to see my pathetic life flash by me, thus denying my mind one final opportunity to torment me.  

I’m not seeking attention or for anyone to save me.  This blog is a place of unfiltered honesty and I’m just expressing how I feel.  I don’t want any pity or sympathy for that represents validation of my insecurities.  I feel like I’ve not only failed at life, but failed at transition too. I tried to kill myself right before coming out as transgender for the final time, because I knew it wouldn’t work. And something my former transgender “mentor” named Jennifer told me has stuck with me:

“Don’t be a man in a dress”.

A friend of mine blasted her for saying it, but she’s right.  Transgender people are not cross-dressers, so what’s the point in presenting female when people still see you as male?  You are just setting yourself up for abuse, harassment, loneliness and being ostracized from the human race.  Caitlyn Jenner was right too when she said something along the lines of “looking like a man in a dress makes people uncomfortable”.  I can’t stand her, but she makes a good point. Passing isn’t about winning beauty contests and it’s not a pissing contest. It’s about safety.  The more you blend in, the easier your life and transition will be. And in my case, I thought I was doing relatively okay until the incident with those security guards and prior to the rejections I’ve been getting during my attempts at dating.

Now I feel like nothing more than a man in a dress. And that is the reason why I want to kill myself; not because of “haters” and not because of the fact that I’ve failed at life and that part of my depression is due to a chemical imbalance.  I want to die because I know that it’ll only get worse as I get older and uglier and even less relevant as a human being.   I want to die because I am burning with envy of people who represent what I’ll never have and who I’ll never be.  I want to die because fighting back is pointless and I don’t have the energy.  I want to die because I’m a burden to the system and someone with better genetics and a will to live could get the help that I’m getting and actually benefit from it.

Not long now, I promise.   I hope you’re enjoying witnessing my demise, although I put myself out there in the hope that someday someone with the power to change things for the better will read this and use it to help others.  No one should have to exist like this. I wouldn’t wish my life on my worst enemy.

Anyway, since the clinic is closed and I have no internet at home, I have to walk to the coffee shop while not feeling mentally well or strong enough to be in the outside world.   I will pray to god for peace and protection and to be left alone.  I can’t handle any more ‘scares’.  The coffee shop itself is safe, but walking to and from there never feels safe at all.   I will be wearing headphones to drown out all sound and sunglasses to dim the world and avoid eye contact.   

The DMV was a painless experience

Well, all of my worrying about the DMV was nothing more than anticipatory anxiety. It was largely painless.  I now have a New York drivers license (albeit temporary until the proper one comes in the mail) with my correct name and gender.  I am now female New Yorker rather than a male Floridian, as far as state of residence goes.  I am very happy that finally my deadname is ‘dead’ and that this state is now my home.

It’s a beautiful day outside too. I wore one of the sundresses I bought a few weeks ago specifically for weather like this.  When I lived as a male, I hated summer, but now it’s my favorite time of year and I thrive in the heat.

The wifi is down at the clinic, so I’m not sure when I am going to be able to publish this. At least I can get internet at home now, once my SSD is in place.

A good day, despite yet another “date” gone wrong. I truly give up with dating. All it does is hurt me.

This corner of New York is my “home” 

The one thing I’ll say is that despite my bad experiences with meeting people and despite my loneliness, the help that I’ve received here in New York in terms of my mental and physical health and my transition has been better than anywhere else I’ve lived.  The same goes for the public assistance I’ve received and the dignity in which I’ve been treated.  I am extremely grateful for all of it, because I wouldn’t have received the same level of care in the UK and certainly not in Florida.

The weather can be a pain in the ass and the winters are long and brutal, the people here don’t have a filter when it comes to comments and questions and Rochester isn’t the safest city on earth.  However, it has become familiar to me and I’m slowly getting used to it.  The fact that I’ve struggled to make friends is more to do with me and my problems than Rochester.  There are a lot of shady, sketchy people here but there are also a lot of good people. It is blue collar, which I prefer.   I’d have a better chance of making friends here than I had in South Florida or even the UK, where I felt like a foreigner.  I’ve had opportunities to make friends (and more than friends), but I fucked up each time.  I just wasn’t ready and I’m probably still not ready, despite how lonely I am.

I’m done with moving from place to place anyway.   I finally have a sense of stability and I have a better chance of recovering here than I do anywhere else.    Even though I ended up here almost accidentally, this corner of New York is my home now. Running away again wouldn’t solve anything.  I’d struggle to make friends anywhere just because of who and what I am.  Besides, when I get to the point that I’m as functional as I can be, I want to stay here and give something back, even if it’s just in the form of working and paying taxes and donating to the organizations that have helped me.

I know that most of what I write would be labeled as “negative”, but I do appreciate what I’ve got.  Now that the name change process is almost over, I want to look towards going to school to prepare myself for eventually returning to work, better qualified and hopefully in a better state of mind.  There is a lot of damage to be repaired though and some of it isn’t repairable.

Went for a walk around my neighborhood and down to the Genesee River 

It was a really hot day. I walked down to the river and caught lots of spring colors in the flowers and leaves.  Spring has come very suddenly after that long winter.    The river was very brown and still 

I stopped off at Boulder Cafe and had an ice tea.   I couldn’t help checking this guy out:

Complaint filed, but the damage has been done 

I filed a complaint this morning against the owner of the property and the company which the security guard works for.  I have also filed an official complaint with the New York State Department of Human Rights.  The lady I dealt with said that my complaint looked good and she got someone there to motorize it. I am willing to take this all the way to court.

I went out for the first time yesterday evening.  First I went to Boulder coffee shop, mainly because I needed $1 bills for the bus.  I then caught the bus to the nearby Wegmans supermarket and managed to grocery shop in peace around 10pm.   I caught the bus back just after 11pm, dropped my groceries back at my apartment then went for a run.

I’m not over what happened on Friday.  I haven’t even begun to address it, because it’s too painful. Ifs left me feeling uglier than ever.   I try to tell myself the misgendering was intentional, but it doesn’t stop the tsunami of dysphoria from hitting me.  I want those guards to be punished for what they did to me.  At the very least to prevent it from happening to anyone else, because they are blatantly targeting transgender women that they don’t like the look of. State laws signed in 2015 by The Governor prohibit such discrimination.  Had this happened in a red state, I’d have probably been screwed.  I want action taken against the companies involved so as to send a message that it is unacceptable.  

My hospital pre-admission testing appointment has been rescheduled for tomorrow morning.  I am talking to someone on OK Cupid who wants to meet me on Wednesday evening, but I’m not sure if I can face that and risk taking another hit to my already negative self-esteem.