Things I wish I could’ve said to my ex-wife before we parted ways 

As anyone familiar with my blog or my life will know, coming out as transgender (or rather being found out) around this time in 2011 was devastating to my ex-wife and soulmate, who I refer to as ‘S’ for the sake of her privacy. Our relationship had essentially already died as we’d drifted apart, but it hit her hard, at a time when she was already going her own issues.

We divorced in 2013, but we lived as roommates up until I left South Florida in January 2015. We had many fights and it was extremely difficult for both of us to coexist. During those fights and even in normal conversations, S had already come to many conclusions about me and about what happened. I never got the chance to explain and it was too painful and too triggering for her to even discuss, so it often came out in the form of anger.

Anyway, these are some of the things she said to me and perhaps she believes them, or perhaps she really doesn’t. Either way, I need to set the record straight, if only to try to help me move on:

“You made love to me with hate”
– Wrong. I made love to you in spite of my self-hate and I enjoyed the times we made love, even though they became few and far between. I take the blame for this as I didn’t make you feel beautiful or wanted and I kept drinking my problems away. I have always suffered from a low libido, even before hormones. I also hate my body, even from a non-gender perspective, so it was difficult to be intimate when I couldn’t possibly imagine how you would find me attractive. But talking the time and making you climax several times made me feel very happy, as did just lying in bed afterwards and just cuddling and talking until one of us was got up to make coffee. There was no “hate” I promise you.

We’ve drifted apart”
– On the surface, that was true. You were in the living room smoking away, I was in the bedroom drinking my problems away and shutting out the world. But I never stopped loving you or caring for you. I was just so locked inside my head that I was out of my depth and didn’t know what to do or say.  It was the most excruciatingly painful time of my life.  

“I don’t know you anymore”
– S, aside from my gender identity, you knew me better than anyone else on earth and that is still the case. Remove alcohol and gender from the equation and I’m the same person you fell in love with back in 2003; the same person that embraces you at London Heathrow Airport when I saw you for the first told.

“I’d rather you cheated on me than this”
– I’d rather have not done either, but I didn’t cheat. I cheated you by not being honest about my gender identity, but I wasn’t ready to face that. For some reason I thought it was something you might eventually grow up accept and that it would bring us closer, because I’d be happier and stronger for you.

“I’ll never be able to trust anyone again, you betrayed me”
– Yes, I betrayed you and I hate myself for it. I betrayed your trust just like the others did to you and that guilt will eat away at me forever. I take full responsibility. I was supposed to be different – someone you could trust and depend on. I turned your entire word upside down. But you will trust again and that person will be worthy of it. Like me, you’ve had awful luck with people, even within your own family. You did not deserve what I put you through.

“You are selfish “
– Yes, I am. I was selfish to bring you into my fucked up existence with the problems that I had (and still have). I wish you’d never met me. I wish I hadn’t put you through so much stress, but I loved you too much. Too much to the point that I became so worried about you that it overpowered everything else. I was not someone you could confide in – I was an anxious, neurotic mess. It’s taken us splitting up and me un-becoming that weirdo to realize how far gone I was and for years.

“I’m not a lesbian” and “You made me question my sexuality”
– I’m sorry this happened too. But you met me as a male, you slept with me as a male and we got married as a man and a woman. You are off the hook. You were honest from the beginning when you told me you wanted a divorce. You are straight and you need to be with a man. Had I been comfortable with the sex I was assigned at birth and I had I been more “normal” I would have loved to and would have been honored to be that man, someone who could’ve met your needs. This is not on you at all. It’s my fault for not being honest with you or with myself when we met. A parent transitioning to another sex kills most relationships, so don’t feel like it’s just you. It’s rare for a marriage to survive something so drastic. But do I wish it were otherwise? Of course. Only because I think Rebecca could’ve made you happier and been a fat better friend and companion to you, but I don’t blame you at all. I blame myself.

On a final note, I hola that life is being kinder to you. I hope you are able to put the damage I caused behind you and that you meet the right person who can love you as much as I can / do, but in the way that you need and deserve to be loved.

But you will always be my soulmate and my only true love. I don’t remember the fights, I remember us in Paris, or staying at haunted hotels or taking road trips. I remember your goofy sense of humor and how you were a great source of comfort and strength to me. I’ll never forget that you gave me the best years of my life, despite our problems.

Reasons why I cannot be in a relationship, despite longing for one…

As much as I want a relationship, I am incapable of being with anyone because:

  1. I hate myself.
  2. I’m ugly.
  3. I’d never be comfortable being naked or even semi-naked with someone.
  4. I don’t like sex because I have a very low libido and I hate what’s between my legs.
  5. I don’t even like kissing.
  6. I have too many insecurities which often lead to jealousy.
  7. I sabotage relationships as a form of self-harm.
  8. I’m not romantic at all.
  9. I failed to make any of my previous partners feel loved.
  10. Sometimes I just want to be left alone.
  11. None of my previous partners could handle my depression.
  12. I can’t trust people.
  13. I ruin people’s lives.
  14. There’s a very strong likelihood that I’ll end up taking my own life, so it would be selfish to put someone through that.
  15. I still love my ex-wife and I cannot imagine anyone coming close to replacing her.  

Fuck it….I’m better off alone.

Too ugly for the outside world 

The wifi was down at the clinic yesterday and last night.  I spent yesterday evening at the nearby coffee shop using their wifi instead.  One of the residents from my apartment building recognized me and introduced herself.  We talked for 15-20 minutes before she had to leave.

I was feeling restless last night and I walked to a nearby bar, where I stood outside using their free wifi as the wifi at the clinic was still down.   I didn’t stay long; because there were shady people and cars passing by and I had briefly forgotten that I’d gone out dressed in pajama pants and a tank top that I usually only wear to bed (not the smartest of ideas).

It took me forever to fall asleep last night, despite taking 3 Seroquel.  I lay awake worrying myself stupid and feeling extremely lonely at the same time.  I eventually fell asleep just before midnight, but I woke up at 3am after having a panic-inducing nightmare and couldn’t get back to sleep.

I signed up for a group putting to a thrift store later this morning.  I always feel guilty for spending money on myself, but I need more summer clothes and clothes shopping is one of the few things I enjoy.     I do have quite a lot of clothes, but many of them were bought over 2 years ago when 1) I wasn’t as confident presenting female as 2) my body shape has changed quite drastically due to hormones, so some of those clothes don’t fit me anymore.  I would advise anyone starting hormones to WAIT a year or so before investing in a whole new wardrobe.

The girl I met on Tuesday never emailed me, which reinforces tie absolute need for me to give up on dating and love.  I’m never going to find anyone and I’m now too scared to meet anyone from a dating site ever again.  My best friend told me that I feel too bad about myself to date, which is largely true, but I hate myself for a very valid reason: I’m ugly.  Why else would people either pity me, go ‘weird’ on me or just not contact me again after meeting me in person?  It HAS to be because of the way I look. Why else would this keep happening?  My real life persona is the same as my online persona.  The only difference is that I generally try my hardest to hide my pain as far as the outside world goes, even though some people do notice the pain in my eyes.  If I weren’t ugly, maybe I’d consider the fact that it might be that people assume that I don’t like them because of my awkwardness, aloofness and inability to make eye contact.  It wouldn’t be beyond the realm of possibility, being as I was recently told by one of the residents in my building that he thought I was angry with him.  But I’m ugly….ugly as fuck.  I’ve been single for over a year, which is the longest I’ve ever been single since my first “proper” relationship at 23 years old.

Then I start missing S again. She’s the only person that has ever truly loved me.   I keep thinking that if she’d been able to be with me as I am now, our relationship would’ve survived and I would have been a much better partner and friend to her.  I imagine that my transition would’ve been so much easier if we’d stayed together, but it was excruciatingly difficult for her and it is selfish on my part to even harbor such wishes.  She is better off without me and as much as meeting her was the best thing ever to have happened to me, I wish she hadn’t met me for her sake.

A lifetime of loneliness is as certain as death, as far as my life is concerned.  Even if I hadn’t transitioned, it’s unlikely that I’d have found love.  I have too many flaws and deformities to fix just to make myself look somewhere close to ‘average’ and I wouldn’t even know where to start.  I have asked for referrals to a chiropractor to fix my ugly (and painful) feet and an ear nose and thrust specialist to fix my huge nose, as it isn’t just ugly; it’s causing breathing problems too.   I could see an orthodontist / maxillofacial surgeon about fixing my jaw, but that would involve major surgery that I am terrified of, especially as I wouldn’t be able to look after myself post-surgery.  

I need to just avoid the outside world as much as possible, as it’ll never be safe for me and it only serves to remind me of what I’ll never have and who I’ll never be.   My dysphoria has returned with a vengeance and that is largely due to exposure with the outside world and situations that I have little or no control over.  The help that I’m getting now won’t last forever and without it I’d be truly fucked.  Ironically, I was able to be more functional when I self-medicated with drugs and alcohol.

I’ll never find love (too ugly, not good enough)

J turned out to be yet another flaky time waster, just like every other asshole I’ve met in Rochester.  Since he cancelled meeting last Sunday (after I practically limped all the way to the coffee shop in pain), he became vague and distant.  Not once did he ask how I was. When I said I’d stop bothering him, his response was “no problem”.  What hurts is that I almost believed him when he repeatedly told me that he wasn’t like anyone else I’d met….bullshit.  I’ve been played for a fool again and I’m left wondering why this keeps happening to me.   I’ve had horrible luck in this city, whether it’s been potential friends, former friends or the 3 “dates” that I’ve been on.

I give up.

Am I that ugly and that unlovable that I need to just accept that I’ll never find anyone?   I know it must be me, because even the other ‘broken’ people I’ve met here seem to have no problem meeting people, whether it’s for friendship or love.   The main reason why I’m worried about losing my health insurance and healthcare is that if you take away those paid to take care of me and listen to my bullshit, I’d truly be alone.

This has left me feeling hideously ugly, dysphoric and worthless.  I know it’s me….and don’t try to tell me otherwise.  I don’t want to meet anyone else though and I’ve given up on the idea of a boyfriend or a girlfriend as I’m too ugly to be loved and never good enough.  I’m nothing but a freak, an example of a failed transtion and a joke.  I wish I could be re-programmed so that I don’t need people anymore.

Lonely and longing for the love I’ll never find

I wish I had a boyfriend. You’ve no idea how happy meeting someone would make me.  It wouldn’t solve all of my problems, but it’d be a wonderful distraction and a chance for me to prove to someone that despite my flaws and mental health issues, I have a lot of love to give.

I’d love to find a man that is rugged, but gentle.   Someone strong and independent that would inspire me, rather than hold me back.  I don’t care about looks, though I’d like to find someone that was active and loved the outdoors.  I don’t mind if he loves sport or going out with his friends. I’m not clingy and I wouldn’t want him to be either.  I’d love to meet someone who can make me laugh and smile, even when I’m feeling down.  I love confidence and I don’t even mind if he’s a little cocky. I can’t have children, but I’d love to meet a single dad and become part of a family.  I wish that I could experience love and the feeling of protection.   

But it’ll never happen…,he doesn’t exist and even if he did, he wouldn’t be interested in me.   I’ll never find love in this life, but hopefully the next life won’t curse me with ugliness and mental health problems.  I want to be a normal girl then woman in my next life. I’ll get to experience the same things as other normal people, except that I’ll appreciate them a dozen times more.  If I’ve learned anything from this life it’s that most people take what they have for granted.

The other day, I almost invited one of the male residents to my apartment so I could cook for him.  I felt bad because he was out of food stamps and was reduced to eating canned spam on Easter Day.   Like me, he was estranged from his family too.   But I didn’t want to embarrass myself, though the illusion of having someone to cook for would’ve been good, plus he’d have got a meal out of it.   I’ve also not had good experiences with the men here anyway.  

I’m so fucking lonely.  

Am I unlovable?

I decided to go out and I’m at the coffee shop I always go to.  I needed to get out of my apartment. Safe Haven is a good book and it’s captured me, but it makes me feel sad and lonely at the same time.  Fiction used to be an escape from reality for me, now it’s just another reminder of what I’ll never have.  It’s extremely painful to watch others fall in love, even if it’s just fictional characters in books or movies.  I had to stop reading, because I was close to tears, while also stuffing my face with candy.

I’ve given up as far as dating sites go. But I don’t know how else to meet men.  I’m terrified to put myself out there. Going to bars is out of the question, as is joining meetup groups.  There’s one guy I fancy that is a resident in my building, but I know I’d have absolutely no chance.  The only man I talk to on a regular basis is a client at the clinic, but he’s gay and engaged so out of the question on both counts.  On the few occasions when men have approached me in public, my anxiety got the better of me and I blew my chances by either shutting down or refusing a compliment.  Who the hell would want to be in a relationship with an ugly transgender girl with mental health issues that doesn’t work?  To add to that, I don’t even like sex, or else I’d probably be quite happy to be someone’s FWB, as even that would be some form of connection that I long for. Actually,  I would love to be hugged or even held. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine what it’d feel like to be held by someone I love and trust and you guessed it, it just makes me feel sad.

I had to leave the clinic earlier than usual.  There were several transgender women there and I didn’t want to be around them.  I don’t hate transgender people, but I would prefer not to run into them for many reasons.

I made black beans and rice for dinner and finished off the salad in the fridge that I’d made yesterday.  I learned how to cook black beans from my mother-in-law when I was married and had a purpose in life.

The 2 pairs of sandals I ordered came in the mail.  To my relief, they both fit just fine. If my feet were any bigger, I’d have a real mission buying women’s shoes.    I’m wearing my pink Converse for the first time and they’re pretty comfortable for brand new shoes and too cute for my ugly body. 

Anyway, I’m lonely as fuck, but I’d rather be at this coffee shop than in my apartment.   I’m going to stay out until I feel tired enough to fall asleep.  I don’t like the restless energy that I have

My thoughts on polyamory and polyamorous people 

Firstly, let me just say that while I don’t consider myself to be polyamorous,  I am open to polyamory under certain circumstances and with the right people.  But as someone once told me, “polyamory is relationships on expert mode” and I’m barely a novice.  Because I’m pre-operative and have poor self-esteem,   I have told people I’ve gotten to know on dating sites that I’d be okay with them having a FWB or even another girlfriend, as long as I was the ‘primary’ and she didn’t live with us. In other words, if it was just sex, I would not feel like I was being cheated on.

Having first been introduced to polyamory back in the summer of 2014, I was keen to learn more about it.  I joined poly groups on Facebook and even went to a poly meeting at someone’s hose in Fort Lauderdale.  I met some very interesting people, including a woman I ended up dating on / off.

What I quickly learned about polyamory is that poly people are split into 2 groups.  The first group are those who quite literally want to “spread the love”, which is a phrase that was coined by someone at the meeting.  Such people are usually selfless and consider their partners as family.  Then there’s second group, who are people who most likely aren’t poly at all, but just greedy and desire multiple partners. Such people are insecure and indecisive.  They suffer from low self-esteem and they need validation from dating multiple people.  In my experience, usually these are men. Such men tend to have between 2 and 4 bisexual girlfriends, perhaps with one designated as the primary. Usually, such men are not comfortable with their primary girlfriend dating other men, which is highly sexist and hypocritical.  I have met a couple of women who were blatantly poly in name only for selfish reasons, including an ex-girlfriend of mine.  Such people give the authentic poly people a bad name and tarnish the image of polyamory.

As for me, as previously stated,  I don’t consider myself polyamorous but I am open to it.  I might be more inclined to share my man if he were to agree to not be sexually demanding of me and would seek that from another partner.   Also, I would not be comfortable with a threesome and I would prefer to have little to do with the other girlfriend, because I would rather it be out of sight and out of mind. Perhaps what I’m open to is more of an open relationship than polyamory itself. I offer the option to men that are interested in me because I feel like I’m not good enough.  I say that I’m poly because I’m insecure and as previously stated,  I turn my insecurities inwards, rather than seek validation through polyamory.

It almost seems like everyone is poly these days, but most of the people who say they’re poly actually aren’t and are less interested in spreading the love and in it for selfish purposes.