Longing to be normal 

I slept horribly last night, largely because I took my medication far too early as I simply couldn’t stand being conscious. I was pacing around the apartment building, losing my mind. I broke down in tears when I got back to my empty and internet-less apartment and decided that I’d had enough.

Since it’s a bank holiday, I’m going to have to go to the coffee shop again to get online.  I feel worse than I did yesterday and i wouldn’t go out at all if I didn’t have the insatiable need to get online and at least feel ‘connected’ to something.

I still fee like I’m eating too much. I feel guilty because I ate an apple when I woke up at 3am. Perhaps I should stop putting soy milk in my coffee and just drink it black.  Since I had a bowl of bran flakes yesterday, I’m not allowing myself to have a bowl of bran flakes again today.  While I feel like I’m losing weight around my belly and can now fit into my size 9 shorts, my arms are still disgustingly ugly. When I go to the coffee shop,  I ether drink coffee with skimmed milk or sugarless ice tea (it’s literally just cold tea with ice, not that nasty sugary chemical shit).   Now that the scars from my surgery have healed enough, I’ve started doing squats and crunches again.

I have no one to talk to in the treatment apartment that I live in. E triggered me far too much and only seemed to want to talk about the guys she’s fucked.  Christine doesn’t talk to me anymore either, even though I’ve tried knocking on her door a few times.  Nobody here likes me and some of them flat out hate me. It is getting old…I feel like I’m an outcast among outcasts.   I am insanely lonely and the loneliness is driving me insane and is further robbing me of any motivation to try to get better.  Even being in the coffee shop is tough, seeing and overhearing normal people have normal conversations.

I’m still not really getting the long-term help I need, which is help in the community.   I cannot continue like this, only able to go 2-3 places on my own (and even that is very dependent on timing).  I don’t feel safe in my apartment because I’m cut off and alone with my thoughts.  I have to get internet and soon.  Going out when I’m not well enough is doing harm, not good.   

When I weigh myself at the clinic tomorrow, I hope I’m at least below 170lbs or I’m done with food completely.  

“Something Just Like This” 

** TRIGGER WARNING **

I slept relatively well last night, despite waking up twice.    Improved sleep is one added benefit of eating much less.  I had a vivid and long dream in which there was a war going on between 3 kingdoms over disputed and highly arable valley territory. I was a young princess.  I was trying to negotiate for peace.  Then I remember us all being evacuated from a burning castle, but I chose to stay and die as a martyr, but then I woke up (disoriented).

I tried to eat a salad for breakfast, but I could only manage to eat half of it and a cup of coffee.   I really can’t stand the sight of food anymore and I don’t even feel hungry, just lethargic.  I weighed myself yesterday and I’m still at 169lbs. I need to lose much more, as I still feel huge, disgusting, muscular and bloated. It goes to show that before, I was just eating out of sheer boredom. Now that eating is no longer a coping mechanism,  I am letting the rest of these ugly arm and shoulder muscles and my nasty stomach waste away and I can return to single digit clothing sizes.  If I have to start purging food, I’ll do that too, though I don’t eat enough to make that necessary.  

I vented to one of the support staff last night, but it didn’t little more than kill time.   I keep telling them that I don’t need help with living skills – I need help getting out in the community. I need internet access in my apartment more than anything.  I’ve been forcing myself out just to use the internet and that has been damaging on the days when I didn’t feel well enough to go out at all.

I don’t talk to E anymore. Part of me wants to thank her for pointing out my ugly muscles, but part of me hates her for triggering my eating disorder that I’d managed to overcome for several years since I stopped drinking.  I wish she hadn’t said anything, but then I’d still be 184lbs and blissfully unaware how disgusting my arms looked.  She hangs out with men anyway, men that live here and hate me. I don’t trust her.

As for today, I’m not sure whether to go to the clinic or the coffee shop.    I had s meltdown at the clinic yesterday because was getting overwhelmed with all the stuff going on in my life and receiving mail and not knowing what to do with it. I will probably go to the coffee shop first and read my book.

And is this sad, and pathetic or what? I look at the Craigslist personals, “missed connections” to see if anyone in Rochester noticed me in a good way.  I know it’s stupid,, but that’s how desperate I am.  But I also know that I cannot be in a relationship given my disdain for my body and fear of physical intimacy.  Asexual men are hard to find and many asexuals are aromantic, so we’d just be like friends / roommates.

My therapist tells me I need to establish a “safe space” before I start facing the outside world, but that is impossible until I get internet access in my apartment.    I’m afraid to sign up for Frontier as it’s a contract and I am transitioning from DHS cash assistance to SSD and that could take time and leave me with no income for a while.   Also, it’s $50 a month, which seems expensive.  I don’t need or want cable television.  Most of what I watch is on YouTube or Netflix.   But if I had internet, I could make this apartment my home and my safe place.   I’d only go out when I needed to and when I felt well enough. 

I don’t pay much attention to music anymore, but I love this song.   It’s the best thing Coldplay have done in 13 years, even though it’s a collaboration.   I wanted to hate it, but it grew on me quickly:

“She said, where’d you wanna go?
How much you wanna risk?
I’m not looking for somebody
With some superhuman gifts
Some superhero
Some fairytale bliss
Just something I can turn to
Somebody I can miss.”

I ended up at the coffee shop, despite the shitty rain that has been almost constant for almost a week.   

“ALONE”

** TRIGGER WARNING **

I feel completely marginalized from society and even from my own (transgender) community. The message I’m receiving loud and clear is hat I don’t belong on this earth. People don’t necessarily hate me…they just don’t care.

I thought the sense of loneliness and social isolation would dissipate when I left the motel, but it’s got worse. At least I had the internet there and didn’t need to go out when I didn’t feel well enough. I can’t be in my apartment because I’m “cut off”. It’s a place where I’m a danger to myself, if I linger there too long unless I’m sleeping.

I sat in the common room earlier and broke down in tears. I don’t know how long I was crying for, but there’s eye makeup all over my face. One of the residents came in,, but didn’t notice me and went ahead and stole food from the kitchen and left. I’m pretty sure he’s one of the residents that hate me.

I got tired of the pain, so I distracted myself for a while with a little body art. Don’t look at this if you’re likely to be triggered by an image of pretty low key and harness self-harm:

Making use of my ugly arms

Now I’ve obligated myself to have to go out again to publish this. I hate my fucking life.

I finished the rest of the apple I couldn’t finish this morning. That’s my food intake for the day. My huge bloated, muscular freak body doesn’t need any more feeding. I weighed myself earlier at the clinic and I’m down to 168lbs. I feel more tired and lightheaded than hungry. I did s few squats earlier, now that my surgery scars have healed sufficiently.

Goodnight…I hope you’re enjoying my slow deterioration.

Love,
The UGLY FUCK.

I know I sound like a broken record….

** TRIGGER WARNING **

Day 1 of the diet and I’ve eaten all I’m going to eat all day – an apple.   I’ll keep drinking plenty of water. I have to do this in the hope that my ugly arms and shoulders will waste away and my stomach will return to its formerly flat state.  I hate food and what it’s done to me.
The community meeting last Thursday featured a discussion on peer-to-peer support and a monthly meet up group for residents and their “family and friends”.  I wish I hadn’t gone to the community meeting a all. I don’t have any family or friends here. And even if my family did live here, they wouldn’t go to something like that.  My mum has stopped talking to me since we fell out a month or so ago.  My dad just thinks I’m a pain in the ass and a drug addict. None of my half siblings talk to me and I have no desire to reach out to them.  Friends?   The only true friend I have left lives 2 states away.  The meeting just left me feeling even more lonely and worthless.  It’s part of the reason why I can’t shake off this latest depressive spell.  I will say that my family (including me) could have benefited from family therapy back when I was a child then teenager, but even if it were possible, it’s too late now. 

I keep wondering if I should email my mum, but I can’t get over how she not only refused to help me get back to the UK, but also tried to dissuade me from coming back at all.  At the time, my legal name change was in major doubt and I was terrified of losing my healthcare.  If I reach out to her, she will make me grovel and she will make me feel guilty.  I’m not sure if I can deal with that right now, but I feel like I quite literally have no one.  She will claim that I hate her and don’t care about her, which isn’t true.  I actually enjoyed staying with her last year and doing things with her, such as the day that we went to Lincoln together on the bus.  

I am not sure if hanging out with E is a good idea.   She doesn’t have a filter and she has already managed to trigger my dysphoria by “pointing out” my ugly muscular arms.  She only seems to want to talk about the people she’s slept with or dated and her family.  I keep thinking “At least you have a family and at least men find you attractive”.

This weekend is going to be extremely difficult.   I got rid of my food, so I can’t comfort eat.  I know the hunger will be tough for the first 2 days or so, then I’ll just start to feel tired and my appetite will lessen (based on past experience of starving myself).  At least having anxiety and weekend anxiety will make it impossible for me to go out and buy more food, even if I get tempted.  I want to avoid E and everyone else.  I don’t know what I’m going to do to kill time and take my mind off the boredom, loneliness and emptiness.  Self-harm is always an option, though I have to be careful not to get caught doing that.

I know that I sound like a broken record and I know that people are reading this blog and enjoying watching me suffer.  But I’ll say it again: I’m sick of being ugly, scared and alone.  I am grateful for the help I’ve received, but take that away and I’ve got nothing.   I’m never going to be happy as long as I’m trapped inside this disgusting body and tormented by my broken mind.  I’m done with trying to meet people here in Rochester (dating and friends) because they’ve all hurt / rejected me for being too ugly.

Reasons why I cannot be in a relationship, despite longing for one…

As much as I want a relationship, I am incapable of being with anyone because:

  1. I hate myself.
  2. I’m ugly.
  3. I’d never be comfortable being naked or even semi-naked with someone.
  4. I don’t like sex because I have a very low libido and I hate what’s between my legs.
  5. I don’t even like kissing.
  6. I have too many insecurities which often lead to jealousy.
  7. I sabotage relationships as a form of self-harm.
  8. I’m not romantic at all.
  9. I failed to make any of my previous partners feel loved.
  10. Sometimes I just want to be left alone.
  11. None of my previous partners could handle my depression.
  12. I can’t trust people.
  13. I ruin people’s lives.
  14. There’s a very strong likelihood that I’ll end up taking my own life, so it would be selfish to put someone through that.
  15. I still love my ex-wife and I cannot imagine anyone coming close to replacing her.  

Fuck it….I’m better off alone.

Too ugly for the outside world 

The wifi was down at the clinic yesterday and last night.  I spent yesterday evening at the nearby coffee shop using their wifi instead.  One of the residents from my apartment building recognized me and introduced herself.  We talked for 15-20 minutes before she had to leave.

I was feeling restless last night and I walked to a nearby bar, where I stood outside using their free wifi as the wifi at the clinic was still down.   I didn’t stay long; because there were shady people and cars passing by and I had briefly forgotten that I’d gone out dressed in pajama pants and a tank top that I usually only wear to bed (not the smartest of ideas).

It took me forever to fall asleep last night, despite taking 3 Seroquel.  I lay awake worrying myself stupid and feeling extremely lonely at the same time.  I eventually fell asleep just before midnight, but I woke up at 3am after having a panic-inducing nightmare and couldn’t get back to sleep.

I signed up for a group putting to a thrift store later this morning.  I always feel guilty for spending money on myself, but I need more summer clothes and clothes shopping is one of the few things I enjoy.     I do have quite a lot of clothes, but many of them were bought over 2 years ago when 1) I wasn’t as confident presenting female as 2) my body shape has changed quite drastically due to hormones, so some of those clothes don’t fit me anymore.  I would advise anyone starting hormones to WAIT a year or so before investing in a whole new wardrobe.

The girl I met on Tuesday never emailed me, which reinforces tie absolute need for me to give up on dating and love.  I’m never going to find anyone and I’m now too scared to meet anyone from a dating site ever again.  My best friend told me that I feel too bad about myself to date, which is largely true, but I hate myself for a very valid reason: I’m ugly.  Why else would people either pity me, go ‘weird’ on me or just not contact me again after meeting me in person?  It HAS to be because of the way I look. Why else would this keep happening?  My real life persona is the same as my online persona.  The only difference is that I generally try my hardest to hide my pain as far as the outside world goes, even though some people do notice the pain in my eyes.  If I weren’t ugly, maybe I’d consider the fact that it might be that people assume that I don’t like them because of my awkwardness, aloofness and inability to make eye contact.  It wouldn’t be beyond the realm of possibility, being as I was recently told by one of the residents in my building that he thought I was angry with him.  But I’m ugly….ugly as fuck.  I’ve been single for over a year, which is the longest I’ve ever been single since my first “proper” relationship at 23 years old.

Then I start missing S again. She’s the only person that has ever truly loved me.   I keep thinking that if she’d been able to be with me as I am now, our relationship would’ve survived and I would have been a much better partner and friend to her.  I imagine that my transition would’ve been so much easier if we’d stayed together, but it was excruciatingly difficult for her and it is selfish on my part to even harbor such wishes.  She is better off without me and as much as meeting her was the best thing ever to have happened to me, I wish she hadn’t met me for her sake.

A lifetime of loneliness is as certain as death, as far as my life is concerned.  Even if I hadn’t transitioned, it’s unlikely that I’d have found love.  I have too many flaws and deformities to fix just to make myself look somewhere close to ‘average’ and I wouldn’t even know where to start.  I have asked for referrals to a chiropractor to fix my ugly (and painful) feet and an ear nose and thrust specialist to fix my huge nose, as it isn’t just ugly; it’s causing breathing problems too.   I could see an orthodontist / maxillofacial surgeon about fixing my jaw, but that would involve major surgery that I am terrified of, especially as I wouldn’t be able to look after myself post-surgery.  

I need to just avoid the outside world as much as possible, as it’ll never be safe for me and it only serves to remind me of what I’ll never have and who I’ll never be.   My dysphoria has returned with a vengeance and that is largely due to exposure with the outside world and situations that I have little or no control over.  The help that I’m getting now won’t last forever and without it I’d be truly fucked.  Ironically, I was able to be more functional when I self-medicated with drugs and alcohol.

Weird couple of days

I’ve had a weird couple of days. I don’t even know where to begin though as far as writing about it goes.

The bad news: the name change saga is apparently far from over.   It still has to be changed at both the DMV and DSS.  We are going to the DMV tomorrow, but I fear they will refuse to misuse me a New York drivers license in my new name because I still haven’t had my permanent resident card back yet…and that could be months away.   This means that my health insurance details won’t be able to be changed either, meaning I have to continue to put offf seeing a dentist, podiatrist and ear, nose and throat specialist.  It means that I still won’t ne able to do many things without a state ID, including feeling like I actually live here.

I met a girl from PK Cupid earlier today.  She was also transgender and I liked her company.  I don’t think she liked me though and I’d be surprised if I hear from her again.  We met at the coffee shop and drove around in her car for a while before she dropped me back home.  It’s not a big deal.  I’ve already given up on the idea of finding love, so it’s no loss as my hopes weren’t raised in the first place.  

I miss my mum, the cats and my ex wife.   I’m grateful for the help that I get here, but I’m really missing the kind of connection with other people that I need.  E doesn’t hang out with me. anymore and she has started spending time with one of the men here that don’t like me.  They probably talk shit about me…I csn feel it.  None of the men here like me and some of them flat-out hate me and scare me.  I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before something bad happens.

My care manager seems to know what he’s doing when it comes to the DMV, so hopefully I’ll have some good news by tomorrow afternoon, rather than potentially awful news.  It’s going to be hot tomorrow, so I can finally wear one of the dresses I bought at the thrift store for warmer weather.  I still need more clothes, but I need someone to come shopping with me.  I can’t even face the buses here anymore.  But I need to look as feminine as possible for the DMV tomorrow as I fear being misgendered and deadnamed due to my old IDs. 

I gained back the 8lbs that I lost, so I need to cut back on eating.  I haven’t noticed any negative effects from stopping blockers after surgery.  My body definitely isn’t producing testosterone, because I would’ve felt it by now or even smelled differently.  I’m glad that I don’t have to take medication to stop that poison from further damaging my body, especially as I never finished “male” puberty and up until 4 years ago,  I was still very slowly developing until blockers put a stop to it.