The DMV was a painless experience

Well, all of my worrying about the DMV was nothing more than anticipatory anxiety. It was largely painless.  I now have a New York drivers license (albeit temporary until the proper one comes in the mail) with my correct name and gender.  I am now female New Yorker rather than a male Floridian, as far as state of residence goes.  I am very happy that finally my deadname is ‘dead’ and that this state is now my home.

It’s a beautiful day outside too. I wore one of the sundresses I bought a few weeks ago specifically for weather like this.  When I lived as a male, I hated summer, but now it’s my favorite time of year and I thrive in the heat.

The wifi is down at the clinic, so I’m not sure when I am going to be able to publish this. At least I can get internet at home now, once my SSD is in place.

A good day, despite yet another “date” gone wrong. I truly give up with dating. All it does is hurt me.

Weird couple of days

I’ve had a weird couple of days. I don’t even know where to begin though as far as writing about it goes.

The bad news: the name change saga is apparently far from over.   It still has to be changed at both the DMV and DSS.  We are going to the DMV tomorrow, but I fear they will refuse to misuse me a New York drivers license in my new name because I still haven’t had my permanent resident card back yet…and that could be months away.   This means that my health insurance details won’t be able to be changed either, meaning I have to continue to put offf seeing a dentist, podiatrist and ear, nose and throat specialist.  It means that I still won’t ne able to do many things without a state ID, including feeling like I actually live here.

I met a girl from PK Cupid earlier today.  She was also transgender and I liked her company.  I don’t think she liked me though and I’d be surprised if I hear from her again.  We met at the coffee shop and drove around in her car for a while before she dropped me back home.  It’s not a big deal.  I’ve already given up on the idea of finding love, so it’s no loss as my hopes weren’t raised in the first place.  

I miss my mum, the cats and my ex wife.   I’m grateful for the help that I get here, but I’m really missing the kind of connection with other people that I need.  E doesn’t hang out with me. anymore and she has started spending time with one of the men here that don’t like me.  They probably talk shit about me…I csn feel it.  None of the men here like me and some of them flat-out hate me and scare me.  I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before something bad happens.

My care manager seems to know what he’s doing when it comes to the DMV, so hopefully I’ll have some good news by tomorrow afternoon, rather than potentially awful news.  It’s going to be hot tomorrow, so I can finally wear one of the dresses I bought at the thrift store for warmer weather.  I still need more clothes, but I need someone to come shopping with me.  I can’t even face the buses here anymore.  But I need to look as feminine as possible for the DMV tomorrow as I fear being misgendered and deadnamed due to my old IDs. 

I gained back the 8lbs that I lost, so I need to cut back on eating.  I haven’t noticed any negative effects from stopping blockers after surgery.  My body definitely isn’t producing testosterone, because I would’ve felt it by now or even smelled differently.  I’m glad that I don’t have to take medication to stop that poison from further damaging my body, especially as I never finished “male” puberty and up until 4 years ago,  I was still very slowly developing until blockers put a stop to it.

Now my life can begin (death of my deadname) 

I got my new Social Security card with my correct name!   Now my life can truly begin.  Next up Nee York DMV.  Now things like school, opening a bank account, getting the internet at home and eventually working again are now realistic goals.  

I couldn’t have done it without the help of an awesome attorney named Milo.  

Empowered by a visit to Social Security 

Today has been empowering. I’m sure most of you won’t think it was much of a big deal, but it was huge to me.  I went to Social Security ALONE and got the name change done. I gave off the impression of confidence and not only did no one mess with me or stare at me funny, but people were actually nice.  It’s all been taken care of, so now I just need to wait for my new Social Security card in the mail. I feel confident enough to go to the New York DMV alone and now I can start expanding my list of “safe places”. Of course, my new medication helped a lot. But this is all very empowering.  It means that I’d probably be able to face a job interview or face starting school.  I find hat life is easier when I just stop caring what people think of me and get on with it

Productive Wednesday 

Yesterday wasn’t bad. I made an appointment for Friday morning work the attorney so he can give me the court order to change my legal name (finally).   I’m probably going to walk there if the weather is as beautiful as today.  It’s supposed to hit 85, which is so weird considering it seemed like just yesterday when we were dealing with winter storms and subzero temperatures.

One of the support workers took us to Walmart, where I bought cosmetics, moisturizer, body wash and a top. I’ve been prescribed a new medication that is supposed to help avoid the severity of anxiety and panic attacks.  I only fake them when I know I’m about to face a stressful and potentially panic attack provoking situation.

You’re going to think that i flip-flop as bad as Donald Trump, but I kind of gave up on men on dating sites. I know I said I didn’t want another relationship with a woman, but I’ve found one that I like so far.  She’s also transgender, which is another huge flip flop on my part.  But I’ve established my boundaries with her, even though I think I came across as a bitch. I don’t know if anything will come of it, but we both have a lot in common (including both being outsiders to Rochester and into the same music).

I might go to the nearby park by the Genessee River later and make the most of the sun and hot weather. It’s not going to last.  I’ll probably spend the evening at Boulder Cafe.  Yesterday they had live music there. It got a bit too busy and I left.  There were a lot of cute guys there, including one of tne musicians who had long hair and a beard.  There was also a man with a dog that came and said hello to me. He had a perfect body that would make for a great sculpture. If only I were normal.

Thinking of postponing a surgical procedure (deadname risk)

I’m kind of scared right now. I’m going into hospital for a surgical procedure on May 3rd.  I’m terrified of hospitals and surgery as it is, but I have something far greater than that to fear: my deadname.

The hospital changed their records when my care manager made them do it.  But that was oh the basis that my health insurance details had already been changed.  The problem is that they want me to bring my insurance card on the day of the surgery.   That insurance card still has my ugly deadname in it and I do NOT want anyone to see it.  I don’t even want to think about the possible things that could go wrong as far as my deadname is concerned.  I don’t want to go in for surgery and also have to worry about the deadname rearing its ugly head at a time when I’ll be extremely vulnerable, in a situation where I’ll be recovering from surgery and most likely in pain.

Even if the court order arrives before the date of surgery, there won’t be time for Social Security to send me my new card with my correct name.  And even if that were to happen, this would need to get relayed to my insurance company for them to send out a new insurance card.  With less than 2 weeks to go, that isn’t going to happen. I’ll be lucky to even get the court order within that time.

You probably don’t understand how dangerous that name is to my mental health as it’s probably my worst trigger.  But it’s such a big deal that I’m contemplating postponing the surgery until we can get everything changed.  I’m scared enough as it is by the prospect of going into hospital.  I really want the surgery, but I can’t deal with the deadname again and even the thought of what might happen is making me feel physically ill with worry and dread.

The pre-admission testing is on Friday morning.  I don’t know if I should just talk to my care manager and see it we can postpone it for 2-3 months or so, because it can wait and my health isn’t at risk.

I’ll talk to my care manager tomorrow when I see him.  This is a huge fucking problem.  Please don’t tell me “it’s just a name”.  

Yhe best day I’ve had in a very long time 

Today was the best day I’ve had in a very long time.

The court order is now looking far more likely.   The attorney was super-nice and he made us feel very welcome and seemed genuinely concerned for the pain my deadname was causing me and what he wrote to support the request for a court order was brilliant

Apparently, my situation has exposed a loophole (a bad one) as far as transgender permanent residents in the United States goes.  US permanent resident cards in the correct name and gender and foreign documentation such as passports and drivers licenses should be accepted by Social Security and state agencies such as DMVs, as should.  He said that my case may help others in the future and I cannot be the only transgender permanent resident in New York State or the United States in general.  Perhaps it will lead to a change in law, although under Trump, that is unlikely at Federal level. 

I’m glad that my support worker was able to come with me. She helped me a lot, even just by distracting me when we talked about the UK.

This morning, one of the support workers took us to a thrift store.  There were supposed to be more residents coming along, not it was just me and a man who seemed pretty easy going, although he made me nervous trying to talk to me before the support worker got in the van.  Anyway, it was a massive thrift store and I could’ve spent all day in there, but we were limited to just under an hour.  I bought a skirt, a sundress and a maxi dress in lieu of warmer weather hopefully soon.

I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch, but the attorney doesn’t think there will be a problem with getting the court order.  I may not even have to have an ad placed in a local paper, due to the fact that it is a transgender name change and I don’t want any of the public knowing what my name was. But that’s immaterial compared to everything else.  The worst case scenario didn’t happen this time and I can most likely stay here and focus on other things.  I’m not out of the woods by any stretch, but I’ve found a path that will hopefully lead me out of the deepest, darkest part of the woods.

Until I get the court order in my hand,  I’m just going to continue going to therapy, going out as much as I can and I’ll continue to read, since that’s something Adderall has helped me do, in terms of my ability to absorb information and concentrate.  I’ve almost blasted through a 400+ page book in just over a week. This would’ve taken me 2-3 months in the past.

I made myself a salad and baked potato for dinner.  It tasted like the best meal I’ve had in ages.   I’d go to the coffee shop, but heavy rain is forecast and I don’t have an umbrella.