Weird couple of days

I’ve had a weird couple of days. I don’t even know where to begin though as far as writing about it goes.

The bad news: the name change saga is apparently far from over.   It still has to be changed at both the DMV and DSS.  We are going to the DMV tomorrow, but I fear they will refuse to misuse me a New York drivers license in my new name because I still haven’t had my permanent resident card back yet…and that could be months away.   This means that my health insurance details won’t be able to be changed either, meaning I have to continue to put offf seeing a dentist, podiatrist and ear, nose and throat specialist.  It means that I still won’t ne able to do many things without a state ID, including feeling like I actually live here.

I met a girl from PK Cupid earlier today.  She was also transgender and I liked her company.  I don’t think she liked me though and I’d be surprised if I hear from her again.  We met at the coffee shop and drove around in her car for a while before she dropped me back home.  It’s not a big deal.  I’ve already given up on the idea of finding love, so it’s no loss as my hopes weren’t raised in the first place.  

I miss my mum, the cats and my ex wife.   I’m grateful for the help that I get here, but I’m really missing the kind of connection with other people that I need.  E doesn’t hang out with me. anymore and she has started spending time with one of the men here that don’t like me.  They probably talk shit about me…I csn feel it.  None of the men here like me and some of them flat-out hate me and scare me.  I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before something bad happens.

My care manager seems to know what he’s doing when it comes to the DMV, so hopefully I’ll have some good news by tomorrow afternoon, rather than potentially awful news.  It’s going to be hot tomorrow, so I can finally wear one of the dresses I bought at the thrift store for warmer weather.  I still need more clothes, but I need someone to come shopping with me.  I can’t even face the buses here anymore.  But I need to look as feminine as possible for the DMV tomorrow as I fear being misgendered and deadnamed due to my old IDs. 

I gained back the 8lbs that I lost, so I need to cut back on eating.  I haven’t noticed any negative effects from stopping blockers after surgery.  My body definitely isn’t producing testosterone, because I would’ve felt it by now or even smelled differently.  I’m glad that I don’t have to take medication to stop that poison from further damaging my body, especially as I never finished “male” puberty and up until 4 years ago,  I was still very slowly developing until blockers put a stop to it.

Went for a walk around my neighborhood and down to the Genesee River 

It was a really hot day. I walked down to the river and caught lots of spring colors in the flowers and leaves.  Spring has come very suddenly after that long winter.    The river was very brown and still 

I stopped off at Boulder Cafe and had an ice tea.   I couldn’t help checking this guy out:

Productive Wednesday 

Yesterday wasn’t bad. I made an appointment for Friday morning work the attorney so he can give me the court order to change my legal name (finally).   I’m probably going to walk there if the weather is as beautiful as today.  It’s supposed to hit 85, which is so weird considering it seemed like just yesterday when we were dealing with winter storms and subzero temperatures.

One of the support workers took us to Walmart, where I bought cosmetics, moisturizer, body wash and a top. I’ve been prescribed a new medication that is supposed to help avoid the severity of anxiety and panic attacks.  I only fake them when I know I’m about to face a stressful and potentially panic attack provoking situation.

You’re going to think that i flip-flop as bad as Donald Trump, but I kind of gave up on men on dating sites. I know I said I didn’t want another relationship with a woman, but I’ve found one that I like so far.  She’s also transgender, which is another huge flip flop on my part.  But I’ve established my boundaries with her, even though I think I came across as a bitch. I don’t know if anything will come of it, but we both have a lot in common (including both being outsiders to Rochester and into the same music).

I might go to the nearby park by the Genessee River later and make the most of the sun and hot weather. It’s not going to last.  I’ll probably spend the evening at Boulder Cafe.  Yesterday they had live music there. It got a bit too busy and I left.  There were a lot of cute guys there, including one of tne musicians who had long hair and a beard.  There was also a man with a dog that came and said hello to me. He had a perfect body that would make for a great sculpture. If only I were normal.