While I still have negative thoughts, I’ve been thinking with more clarity than I have for a very long time. I’m not sure why this is and km certainly not complaining. Perhaps it’s because my mind is no longer as consumed by my desire to fit in, make friends and find love. Perhaps my hormone levels have returned to where they should be after the crazy stuff that happened after the orchiectomy. I feel more at peace with myself and with the concept of being alone. It’s actually not so bad, as long a I can continue to find distractions and can focus on bettering myself from an education and skills standpoint, to make the eve that goal of returning to work easier, as I’ll be more employable. I am trying to focus on building some semblance of a life without people in it.
I did manage to go to the grocery store on the bus against last night. I took 3 of my anti-anxiety meds (3 is the maximum daily dose). Nothing bad happened to me and no one even looked at me. I was in an out of there by 10pm and managed to get the slightly earlier bus back. I was a little intimidated by the people waiting at the bus stop, so I kept my distance until the bus arrived. I am now semi-comfortable with grocery shopping at that time, even on weekends. It is a perfect time to shop in many respects. I walk home in darkness, so I’m invisible to the world anyway.
I’m absolutely staying in this weekend, now that I’ve got enough food to last me well into next week. I *may* try to go to a coffee shop I’ve never been to before called Java’s on Sunday morning. It’s only 20 minutes walk from here and I think I can do it. The nerve-racking thing will be having to ask for a coffee the first rime, with them never having seen me before or heard my awful male-sounding voice. But if they don’t misgender me and If the other patrons there seem generally harmless, it can hopefully become another safe place and another stretch where I feel at least semi-comfortable walking up and down. In fact; I’m going to come up with a list of places that I can try to go alone, so that I’m only asking for help for the places that I absolutely can’t go to alone (such as joining the local library).
My body seems to be returning to normal. My hair doesn’t feel as oily and my skin doesn’t feel as irritated, plus I’ve gained a little weight. I have a feeling that the final ‘dump’ of the body’s testosterone reserves after my orchiectomy cause the problems I’ve been experiencing. I have suggested that having lower than usual estrogen levels on the last 2 counts may be partly to blame for my worsening anxiety over the last 10 months or so. I am going to ask about switching to shots or to a different brand of estrogen pills, but maintain the same dosage and see what happens. My psychiatrist has switched me from Buspirone to Propranolol, which I’m sure I’ve tried before. None of these medications seem to do much for my anxiety, which is one of the reasons why I no longer wish to force myself to socialize.
The psychopath resistant living in the apartment below me is making a shit-ton of noise again, slamming doors and shouting. I’m not sure that complaining would do any good and it may cause me additional problems living here, which frankly, I don’t need. I don’t engage with anyone in this building except for some of the staff. I often wonder if I’d be better off in just a roommate type situation in a smaller building. I feel like my issue and needs are different to the other residents here and are unlikely to get met. For now, I’m just treating it as stable and affordable accommodation.
I do have to walk over to the pharmacy at the clinic to get my new meds and order the repeat prescriptions I need. I’m probably just go in my PJs as it’s unlikely there will be many people around. Then I’m going to come back here and just immerse myself in YouTube and tune out the world.
The situation at the apartment below me seems to be escalating into a full-blown argument. The guy keeps shouting at what must be his girlfriend, then I hear banging. It’s not even 5:30am, but if I feel concerned about her safety I will go downstairs and report it.
I’ve been in a major funk since I woke up at 2am. I did manage to leave my apartment, albeit just to take out the trash. Where I differ from many other people who struggle work mental illness is that I have never had a problem maintaining cleanliness. Unfortunately that makes me look more functional, which works against me.
My dysphoria is as he as its ever been at any point in my life. I’ve been on a downward slide as far as dysphoria is concerned since the security guard harassed and misgendered me over 6 weeks ago. Also, I believe my hormone levels are still off post-orchiectomy. At my last count 2 weeks ago, my testosterone level was 150-something – higher than it’s been since I started blockers back in August 2013. The nurse practitioner said it’s perfectly normal after such a procedure and that it’ll disappear from my bloodstream. However, I feel disgusting. My hair feels greasy even though I wash it daily. I smell different and my depression is becoming quite the monster. I started taking the locker again, but my body isn’t producing testosterone, but why do I feel so nasty? How long is it supposed to take to pass through my system? This is stressing me out so badly and just adding to my dysphoria. My anxiety is severe and I’m hyper-sensitive to sound and light. I feel like it has to be that poison….testosterone.
I can’t fade going to the transgender group tomorrow – not in this frame of mind. I wish I knew what was going on with my body. I don’t feel well at all. I wish I had a friend here or just someone I could go to. But loneliness is a lesser worry right now.
I’m going to have to do what I haven’t done for over 14 years because there’s simply no other way. I don’t want to think or feel anymore.
I’m rather worried about my last count. For some reason, my testosterone level was high (150-something) even though I had an orchiectomy done back at the beginning of May, so I shouldn’t be producing any testosterone (or no more than a cisgender woman or post-op transgender woman). The nurse said it was perfectly normal and that eventually I’ll return to almost untraceable levels of testosterone that I had before, when I was still taking blockers.
But I’m worried. I don’t like the notion of having that much testosterone in my bloodstream. I feel extra-dysphoric and have started taking blockers again because now I’m paranoid that my body has a secret source of testosterone or is somehow still able to produce it. It also explains why my libido has been slightly higher than usual.