Woken up by the psychopath living in the apartment below me 

I did manage to go to the grocery store on the bus against last night. I took 3 of my anti-anxiety meds (3 is the maximum daily dose).    Nothing bad happened to me and no one even looked at me. I was in an out of there by 10pm and managed to get the slightly earlier bus back.  I was a little intimidated by the people waiting at the bus stop, so I kept my distance until the bus arrived. I am now semi-comfortable with grocery shopping at that time, even on weekends.  It is a perfect time to shop in many respects.  I walk home in darkness, so I’m invisible to the world anyway.

I’m absolutely staying in this weekend, now that I’ve got enough food to last me well into next week.  I *may* try to go to a coffee shop I’ve never been to before called Java’s on Sunday morning. It’s only 20 minutes walk from here and I think I can do it.  The nerve-racking thing will be having to ask for a coffee the first rime, with them never having seen me before or heard my awful male-sounding voice.  But if they don’t misgender me and If the other patrons there seem generally harmless, it can hopefully become another safe place and another stretch where I feel at least semi-comfortable walking up and down. In fact; I’m going to come up with a list of places that I can try to go alone, so that I’m only asking for help for the places that I absolutely can’t go to alone (such as joining the local library).

My body seems to be returning to normal.  My hair doesn’t feel as oily and my skin doesn’t feel as irritated, plus I’ve gained a little weight.    I have a feeling that the final ‘dump’ of the body’s testosterone reserves after my orchiectomy cause the problems I’ve been experiencing.  I have suggested that having lower than usual estrogen levels on the last 2 counts may be partly to blame for my worsening anxiety over the last 10 months or so. I am going to ask about switching to shots or to a different brand of estrogen pills, but maintain the same dosage and see what happens. My psychiatrist has switched me from Buspirone to Propranolol, which I’m sure I’ve tried before.  None of these medications seem to do much for my anxiety, which is one of the reasons why I no longer wish to force myself to socialize.

The psychopath resistant living in the apartment below me is making a shit-ton of noise again, slamming doors and shouting. I’m not sure that complaining would do any good and it may cause me additional problems living here, which frankly, I don’t need. I don’t engage with anyone in this building except for some of the staff.    I often wonder if I’d be better off in just a roommate type situation in a smaller building. I feel like my issue and needs are different to the other residents here and are unlikely to get met.  For now, I’m just treating it as stable and affordable accommodation.

I do have to walk over to the pharmacy at the clinic to get my new meds and order the repeat prescriptions I need.  I’m probably just go in my PJs as it’s unlikely there will be many people around. Then I’m going to come back here and just immerse myself in YouTube and tune out the world.

The situation at the apartment below me seems to be escalating into a full-blown argument.  The guy keeps shouting at what must be his girlfriend, then I hear banging.  It’s not even 5:30am, but if I feel concerned about her safety I will go downstairs and report it.

Night owl mode

I’m usually asleep by now, but I managed to watch WWE Raw on YouTube.   I went out earlier to Wegmans to buy a few groceries.  My care manager very kindly gave me a gift card as I don’t have an EBT card to boy food.  I only bought a few things, mainly cereal, eggs and fruit. It was hot and homie so I wore shorts, my ugly pale legs attracting unwanted attention.  The cashier said he liked my necklace. I wanted to tell him I liked his hair, but I was too embarrassed and it might’ve made him feel awkward, but he has beautiful long blonde hair and has extremely cute. I’m not thinking “missed connections” again as there is no chance that he’d be interested in an ugly freak like me.

The date never materialized…yet another flake.  After mentally preparing myself and spending time doing my makeup, the guy wanted to just come to my place, which I thought was weird. I was actually looking forward to going out, even if it was just for coffee.  I just told him to forget it in the end and never heard anything back.  M hasn’t contacted me either. I’ve given up all hope of finding friendship or love in Rochester.  I’m too afraid to meet anyone else at this point. I’m only here because I have excellent care, but if I lose that, I’m in trouble.

Someone is going to help me as far as the complaint against the security guard is concerned.   I’m not going to say who they are, but I trust this individual.  They realizes that it’s too pailful for me to have to deal with spoken.

I think I’m just going to isolate over the weekend. I have all the food I need and an internet connection.  It’s going to be ridiculously hot anyway and I prefer to avoid WEPs.

I still don’t feel like sleeping. I’m tired of waking up at 3am.  The longer I stay up now, the less time I’ll have to be conscious tomorrow when I’ll be stuck in all day.

Too ugly for the real world 

After I got back from the coffee shop, I couldn’t go to bed because I was too awake.  I’d had too much caffeine and had been in bed depressed all day the day before. I ended up talking to Liz, who is also a resident.   I’d spoken to her once before and we talked for 2 hours or so. A couple of others joined in.  I went to sleep around 1am and still woke up at 4am.   I don’t know why I can never get enough sleep.

One of the support workers took me grocery shopping earlier.  I bought enough for the next week or so. I’ve got pretty good a planning meals and buying no more or no less than I need. I came to the clinic for the lunch and to use the wifi.  I complained about the security guard that accused me of loitering.   They agreed that I wasn’t doing anything of the sorts.

I still feel bad from what I went through on Sunday and Monday.  Even though my brain has processed it, it’s left me feeling drained and utterly embarrassed.  It’s also made me realize that as lonely as I am, I can’t risk letting anyone in, even if the opportunity arises and I meet someone that I like.    The pain caused by loneliness is bad, but it’s the pain that I know. Dating and meeting people is just too great of a risk.  I’m too easily triggered and either I mustn’t be explaining my triggers well enough for people to understand or maybe they just don’t care.  I need to socialize, but meeting new people causes so much fear and anxiety that I hardly think it’s worth putting myself through it.

Come July, I’ll have been here in Rochester for a year.  This is the longest I’ve been in p e place since I left South Florida in January 2015. I’ve not even come close to finding anyone that I can truly connect with or anyone that made me feel comfortable.  I don’t want to move again, because I’ll have the same problem wherever I go.  I’m just not good enough; I’m too depressed, too scared, too weird and too ugly.  The few people that I’ve met have done more harm than good, even if I was the one who sabotaged the connection (usually for very valid reasons or to protect myself).

I can’t deny that I’m lonely though and that it hurts to be around other people, watching them experience many of the things that I was denied and will most likely never experience.  I know that as I get older, the pain caused by having to ‘watch’ is going to intensify. It’s one of the reasons why I don’t want to get old.

All I can do right now is take each day as it comes.  Thinking about the future just causes depression on top of more depression.  The only way I can even come close to coping is just to avoid all triggers and stay in my own little world as much as humanly possible, because I’ve given up on the real world.

Contemplating Admitting Myself

I managed to force myself out in the end.  I went to the Walmart near here by foot and bus.  It was pretty empty, as most people don’t shop early on a Sunday morning.  I bought a few food items, mostly just fruit and snacks which don’t require heating up or keeping cold in the refrigerator that I don’t have. I also bought nail polish remover and toothpaste   As I had time to kill, I stopped off at Starbucks as it was also pretty empty.  The coffee certainly woke me up a bit after what I did to myself last night.

I got back an hour or so ago, just managing to avoid the rain on this dreary Sunday.  I paid another $3 for one more day of internet access ,as I have no way of reaching people without a phone 

I’ve made a decision that I’m going to admit myself as an inpatient.  Friends have been telling me to do this for a while, but I honestly think it’s a good idea, being as I cannot be alone for long periods and I am a danger to myself (I’ll admit it).  I will send an email to my care manager later, after my friend has been over to drop the food off (I’m glad she came through in the end, even though I have enough food for a couple of days or so).  Anyway, I don’t know how soon I’ll get admitted, or even if they’ll admit me as all. I haven’t been a psychiatric inpatient since 2002 and that probably saved my life at the time.

On another note, I wrote an entry a couple of weeks ago entitled ‘An Unrequited Love‘.  For some reason, it seems to be getting daily hits.  I’m worried that my ex wife is the one reading it and probably hates me for it.  I know she’d be very angry and upset if she knew that I wasn’t over her and still had feelings.  I don’t want to take it down though.  This blog is a place for me to be 100% honest with myself and with the rest of the world.  Denial of any feelings for her would not be healthy, nor would if help me process it all.

If I ever disappear for a while, know that I’ve either ran away, admitted myself or given up.  One of those three things is definitely going to happen very soon.  I’m not ready to be alone yet.  I do want to thank all of my followers and anyone reading this blog.  You’re helping me by simply allowing me the opportunity to be heard, rather than silenced.