Pushing people away and sabotaging potential friendships and romantic relationships 

Although I’ve been unable to break the cycle as far as pushing people away and sabotaging potential connections go, I’m aware that I do it.  I do it because I find it so hard to trust and to let people in. CI’ve also done it to remove myself as a burden to that person.  It is a common trait associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which I have been diagnosed with in the past.  

There are a few people I’ve pushed away over the last few years that I truly regret pushing away.  The most recent was a transgender woman named Paige.  I also now regret pushing Holly and Stephanie away.  They had no malicious intent towards me, they were just out of their depth as far as helping me was concerned.  There are even people online who I regret pushing away or being rude to because I took something they said the wrong way.

I actually hope that some of the people I’ve pushed away get to read this.  While they may not forgive me, I hope they’ll understand why. But there are some that I would give my right leg to have another chance with.

I suggest watching the video on this page if you push people away or simply want to understand why some people engage in such behavior:

Pushing People Away, Yet Wanting Closeness | Abandonment & Being Hurt

While I can relate to the “why” part, I feel like fixing it is possibly beyond me, as it requires building of confidence and self-esteem.  I’ve never had either confidence or positive self-esteem.  But it is an issue I plan on raising with my therapist next time, if I remember that is.

I Want To Die

I had to cancel on going to the trans group tonight.  I felt bad, because the people I went with last time were going to pick me up again.  But I decided against it, because I am worried about what I’m going to do about food and money over Christmas.  They said they were going to a bar afterwards and I’m not in the right frame of mind for that, nor do I have the finances for it.  Almost everyone gets sick of me in the end anyway.

I’ve failed at keeping friends, once again.  I’m simply too far down in the hole to be able to relate to anyone and my depression scares most people away.  I wanted to go out and socialize, but it is totally beyond me.  If I were an introvert, I probably wouldn’t care so much about having to spend days on end isolated.

I want to die…I need to die.  I should stop concerning myself with trying to make this existence livable, because it simply isn’t going to happen.  Everyone would be far better off without me.  I’m nothing but a useless burden and an ugly freak.   The only person in my life that ever made this suffering worthwhile is no longer in my life.  

My pain isn’t tangible to anyone else but me, which makes this even more difficult.  If I were terminally ill and in pain, I’m sure those who care about me wouldn’t be telling me to carry on.

I should take what happened today as a clear indication that I have to give up.  There are too many things wrong with me and wrong with the world I find myself trapped in.  So it’s back to my plan of making sure that I’m gone by the end of the year, which doesn’t leave much time.

Fuxk this shit.

The Diary of a Crazy Bitch 

I had therapy earlier today. For the first 45 minutes, I was just venting about my living situation and we discussed S, as I never got any kind of closure when we broke up. I asked him to push to get an Adult ADD diagnosis, so I can see if stimulant medication could be potentially life changing, in the sense of me being able to absorb information much more easily.  Just treating the depression itself is pointless and is tantamount to putting a band aid plaster on a gunshot wound – you may slow the bleeding down, but sooner or later I’ll still bleed to death.  

I had a bit of an argument with my friend/roommate, but that’s because I assumed that she hated me (because I assume everyone hates me). I don’t know how to stop pushing people away by making them hate me, even if they didn’t before.  Neither my friend or her friend like the fact that I lock myself in the bathroom, but I have no choice and nowhere else to go.  

I’m a fucked up bitch, or a “teenage woman” as a friend of mine used to call me. I had thought that after 3 years of hormones, puberty #2 would start to slow down in the psychological sense. People simply cannot deal with me and even though most people befriend me with good intentions, they end up feeling out of their depth and frustrated, especially when I deliberately push them away or sabotage the friendship as a form of self-destruction.

I caught the bus back and walked home via the grocery store. I took a few pictures of the pretty fall colors starting to kick in. 

My phone died as I was walking home listening to this Lykke Li song on repeat (I was really getting into it too):

From One Bad Situation To The Next (Being A Burden)

I posted this to my Facebook earlier:

“There is no greater feeling of loneliness than feeling alone surrounded by other people whom you cannot connect with and have nothing in common with.”

It’s reached crisis point with regard to my living situation and I’m starting to crack. It’s made so much worse by the misophonia aspect, but the truth of the matter is that I’m living in far too close quarters with two people who blatantly do not want me here, despite one of them reassuring me otherwise. I know they’ve complained about me to our care manager, so much so that he acknowledged the urgent need for me to go.

I find myself in yet another awful situation, which has been the ongoing theme of the last five and a half years. Once again, I am an unwanted burden and left out and isolated by two people whom I have absolutely fuck all in common with (excuse my language) and it’s driving me insane, to the point of wanting to hurt myself or just run the fuck away and never look back.

While I’m happy that my friend has improved so much to the point that she’s better than I am, i am sad that the connection of friendship we had between us has died. Once again, the other person moves on and gets better, while I stagnate or get worse.  This image summarizes what happens to me every damn time, whether it’s my fault or done to me out of spite:

Her friend blatantly doesn’t want me here. I’ve got horrible signals from them (they are non-binary, hence neutral pronouns) since I arrived here in July. I may be stupid and gullible, but I am highly perceptive when it comes to reading people.

I spend as much time as I can locked in the bathroom, as it’s the only place I can escape the sound terrorism unintentionally inflicted on me every waking minute. The fact that both of them have been blatantly complaining about me behind my back is hurtful and disappointing. This is why I DO NOT TRUST PEOPLE. People always do this to me and I’m tired of it.

There’s only one person I’ve ever truly felt comfortable around and that was S, my ex wife. I long for that level of connection again, but I know that I’ll never find it. I have nothing at all in common with these people; all they talk about is Pokémon GO, online games and superheroes. I would love to be able to talk to them, but I can’t. Them both being considerably younger doesn’t help either.

I wish I were able to go out freely and only return here to sleep, but my anxiety is too bad and I’m too self conscious to go out without a lot of “preparation” beforehand. It doesn’t help that my walking shoes are falling apart. So I’m trapped in here, like a rat and every damn thing is irritating me or driving me insane, such as hearing non-stop typing on a keyboard.  

If I don’t get out of here and away from this situation soon, I’m going to have a nervous breakdown so severe that if will either lead to me hurting myself badly or hospitalized. I don’t think my friend (or rather roommate) knew what she was getting herself in for and I didn’t realize how difficult this would be.  Unlike the times my ex girlfriend and her new partner made my life a living hell when I was still living with them, this isn’t anyone’s fault.  There is no malice on the part of my friend or her rooomate, even if the  rooomate does indeed dislike me.  If anyone is to blame, it’s yours truly.  

But I am desperate….REALLY desperate and at risk of losing it. When am I going to feel safe, calm and at ease?

An ambivert, forced to exist as an introvert 

Up until I discovered the term ‘ambivett’, I always assumed I was just an introvert that needed a certain degree of social interaction.

But then I sterted to realize that it is my anxiety, depression, body image issues and social awkwardness that force me to exist as an introvert.  If it weren’t for those issues, I would probably be pretty social, albeit on my terms and with regular intermittent ‘Becca time”.  

Since discovering the word ‘ambivert’, I idendtify with that much more.  Also, having spent a significant amount of time with both extroverts and introverts, I’ve realized that I can’t completely relate to either.  I currently live with 2 introverts and I’ve been finding it extremely difficult, because I often feel uncomfortable with silences and tend to misread their silence as passive-aggeessiveness as I always feel like I’m in the way or have said/done something wrong.   As for extroverts, many of them make me feel uncomfortable to be around, unless I’m in a sufficiently positive and talkative frame of mind.  But being around introverts for prolonged periods is pretty bad for me too.

I wish there were more ambiverts out there.  I wish I could find people who “get it” and people I feel comfortable around.   In general, being an ambivert or an extrovert with social anxiety is a nightmare.  You want to have friends and to be able to socialize, but your illness prevents it, so you are forced to exist as an introvert, when clearly that isn’t who you are.