I posted this to my Facebook earlier:
“There is no greater feeling of loneliness than feeling alone surrounded by other people whom you cannot connect with and have nothing in common with.”
It’s reached crisis point with regard to my living situation and I’m starting to crack. It’s made so much worse by the misophonia aspect, but the truth of the matter is that I’m living in far too close quarters with two people who blatantly do not want me here, despite one of them reassuring me otherwise. I know they’ve complained about me to our care manager, so much so that he acknowledged the urgent need for me to go.
I find myself in yet another awful situation, which has been the ongoing theme of the last five and a half years. Once again, I am an unwanted burden and left out and isolated by two people whom I have absolutely fuck all in common with (excuse my language) and it’s driving me insane, to the point of wanting to hurt myself or just run the fuck away and never look back.
While I’m happy that my friend has improved so much to the point that she’s better than I am, i am sad that the connection of friendship we had between us has died. Once again, the other person moves on and gets better, while I stagnate or get worse. This image summarizes what happens to me every damn time, whether it’s my fault or done to me out of spite:
Her friend blatantly doesn’t want me here. I’ve got horrible signals from them (they are non-binary, hence neutral pronouns) since I arrived here in July. I may be stupid and gullible, but I am highly perceptive when it comes to reading people.
I spend as much time as I can locked in the bathroom, as it’s the only place I can escape the sound terrorism unintentionally inflicted on me every waking minute. The fact that both of them have been blatantly complaining about me behind my back is hurtful and disappointing. This is why I DO NOT TRUST PEOPLE. People always do this to me and I’m tired of it.
There’s only one person I’ve ever truly felt comfortable around and that was S, my ex wife. I long for that level of connection again, but I know that I’ll never find it. I have nothing at all in common with these people; all they talk about is Pokémon GO, online games and superheroes. I would love to be able to talk to them, but I can’t. Them both being considerably younger doesn’t help either.
I wish I were able to go out freely and only return here to sleep, but my anxiety is too bad and I’m too self conscious to go out without a lot of “preparation” beforehand. It doesn’t help that my walking shoes are falling apart. So I’m trapped in here, like a rat and every damn thing is irritating me or driving me insane, such as hearing non-stop typing on a keyboard.
If I don’t get out of here and away from this situation soon, I’m going to have a nervous breakdown so severe that if will either lead to me hurting myself badly or hospitalized. I don’t think my friend (or rather roommate) knew what she was getting herself in for and I didn’t realize how difficult this would be. Unlike the times my ex girlfriend and her new partner made my life a living hell when I was still living with them, this isn’t anyone’s fault. There is no malice on the part of my friend or her rooomate, even if the rooomate does indeed dislike me. If anyone is to blame, it’s yours truly.
But I am desperate….REALLY desperate and at risk of losing it. When am I going to feel safe, calm and at ease?