The freak in the coffee shop 

The coffee shop is virtually empty, which I’m glad of.   I found a comfortable couch with sufficient light to read my book and socket nearby to keep my inactive / wifi only phone charged.  I don’t know what I’d do without this place. It’s the only place in Rochester where I feel both safe and somewhat normal….just another patron reading her book or playing with her phone.   I am the only loner though, as always.  I don’t get the impression that any of the “normal” people here would ever want to start a conversation with a freak like me.  But I’m not in my “cut off” apartment and I’m safe. I’ll stay here as long as I can, until it gets busy. It is Memorial Day weekend and o figured that most people would be out, making the most of the 3 day weekend and the nice weather.

But I’m lonely….lonely and wishing that I could be like them: normal, cisgender, a part of society and with friendship and love in their lives.

But I’m a freak….a freak about to humiliatingly lose a discrimination case.   I have nothing to look forward to and no one to spend any time with.  This is just marginally better than being holed up in my apartment.



I feel completely marginalized from society and even from my own (transgender) community. The message I’m receiving loud and clear is hat I don’t belong on this earth. People don’t necessarily hate me…they just don’t care.

I thought the sense of loneliness and social isolation would dissipate when I left the motel, but it’s got worse. At least I had the internet there and didn’t need to go out when I didn’t feel well enough. I can’t be in my apartment because I’m “cut off”. It’s a place where I’m a danger to myself, if I linger there too long unless I’m sleeping.

I sat in the common room earlier and broke down in tears. I don’t know how long I was crying for, but there’s eye makeup all over my face. One of the residents came in,, but didn’t notice me and went ahead and stole food from the kitchen and left. I’m pretty sure he’s one of the residents that hate me.

I got tired of the pain, so I distracted myself for a while with a little body art. Don’t look at this if you’re likely to be triggered by an image of pretty low key and harness self-harm:

Making use of my ugly arms

Now I’ve obligated myself to have to go out again to publish this. I hate my fucking life.

I finished the rest of the apple I couldn’t finish this morning. That’s my food intake for the day. My huge bloated, muscular freak body doesn’t need any more feeding. I weighed myself earlier at the clinic and I’m down to 168lbs. I feel more tired and lightheaded than hungry. I did s few squats earlier, now that my surgery scars have healed sufficiently.

Goodnight…I hope you’re enjoying my slow deterioration.


Becca the drama queen 

I have to go to Social Security again this afternoon and I’m dreading it.  My care manager will be with me, but it’s still going to be a scary experience.  They just want to see my permanent resident card, which would be fine if I’d received the new one, but the old one has my deadname on it and an old picture of what was once me.

I told one of the counselors at the treatment housing that I’m giving up as far as socializing goes.  As soon as I get my own wifi in my apartment, I’m going to be holed up in there most of the time.  I’ve had too much exposure to the outside world and it’s left me with nothing but more self-hatred and more dysphoria.

I didn’t go out last night at all to get online as I virtually always do.  I didn’t want to bump into E, or anyone else for that matter.   I took my meds early and fell asleep sometime just after 9pm. Before that, I got through 3 chapters of my book.

The diet is going well. It consists of an apple and coffee in the morning, a bowl of bran flakes for lunch and salad for dinner.  When I weighed myself yesterday, I was down to 173lbs.  I’m not starving myself, although I am avoiding protein for a while so that my arms can finish wasting away.  While I wish E hadn’t drawn attention to my arm muscle, I’m also glad because my arms are disgusting and I never really noticed before, since I was convinced they’d wasted away sufficiently. I can’t wear tank tops anymore or dresses with straps without a cardigan.  Hopefully more than halving my daily calories and cutting out all forms of protein will help me get rid of the ugliness.  Otherwise, I really am going to have to starve myself.  As for E, I’m avoiding her completely. Even if I tried to explain to her how she’s hurt me, I don’t think she would understand.  I should’ve elaborated more when I gave my food to her on Saturday, but she didn’t seem to care anyway.  She is too wrapped up in her own issues.

I made peace with Holly the other day.  I realized that she didn’t do anything to me maliciously. She was a good friend at one point.    It isn’t worth holding a grudge over, especially as she has her own problems to deal with.

I am giving up on meeting new people though.  It isn’t with the risk to my mental health and I’ve really only ever made friends online.  None of the residents in my apartment building seem like they could be potential friends.   Several of them have already managed to trigger me and I have a reputation of being rude, just because I don’t say hello.  I feel like people just see me as a freak and many of them hate me.   

If I can’t make friends, I still need help with going out.   I still haven’t been able to leave my comfort zone of the 4 ‘safe places’ that I have here in Rochester.   If I had a friend willing to go out with me, it would help enormously, but since that isn’t likely to happen, I’m rather stuck.  I want to go to school when he next semester starts, but I’m not sure how I’ll cope with being in a classroom or how I’ll even get there, given my fear of buses here.

I miss my mum, but I don’t know how to deal with what felt like her turning her back on me when I thought I’d never be able to get my name changed here.   She’s getting older and it pains me to think that I might never see her again.    I’ve got no plans to return to the UK and won’t be able to afford to visit until the day comes when I’m back on my feet and working.    I’m not one to hold grudges, but I am not willing to grovel to get her to speak to me again.   We are very different people, except for the fact that we are both stubborn and hard-headed and locked into a certain way of thinking.    Many arguments were started by me when I felt that I could never connect with her on an emotional level.  She’s great with practical stuff and being logical, whereas I am all about feelings and emotions.  Her husband is a good guy, but I remember the time he called me a “drama queen”.   Compared to the rest of my family, I can’t really disagree with him.    I hate to admit that part of me thrives on drama and it’s a huge character flaw of mine.   
Anyway, back to worrying about going to Social Security later.,..,

I don’t belong in the outside world…please just leave me alone!

I’m at the clinic because I have therapy and I have to see my care manager about a “change” (I think he’s pushing me off to someone else).

I managed to go out and buy a few groceries last night, despite the persistent rain and my severe anxiety.   The bus was virtually empty both ways.  I bought apples, romaine lettuce, bran flakes, tomatoes, tea and soy milk.  That is essentially going to be my diet from now on. I can’t starve myself, but I can come close, without screwing up my metabolism.   I also bought moisturizer for my uglyface. 

I’m tired of the residents in my building.  I know some of them hate me and some of them downright scare me.  E has triggered more dysphoria in me after she noticed muscles in my arms.  She keeps talking about sex too, so now I have to avoid her completely.

In fact, I’ve got to the point where I just want to be left alone.   I’ve given up on making friends and dating, especially here in Rochester.  Once I know how much I’ll be getting on SSD,  I’ll figure out if I can afford to get the internet in my apartment.  That way, I won’t NERD to go out every day.  I’ll still go out, but only at certain times (e.g. late Sunday night) when I know it’s safer. My mum did leave me some money for the installation, so that is covered.  I still need to know how much it’ll be monthly. I don’t care about cable television or getting a cell phone. Once I have wifi in my apartment, I can make cheap calls through an app that I downloaded.  I was better off when I was almost solely an online entity.  The outside world is far too frightening and I’ve had almost nothing but negative interactions with others. I have more control online;  I can’t block people and report them. You can’t do that in the outside world.

I read some more of my book yesterday, before I got overwhelmed with sadness, tears streaming down my face.  I had to leave the common room, although no one saw me.    I keep bumping into a guy that lives here who flat out hates me.  He seems to be everywhere.  He looks at me with such hate and disgust that I can feel it.  I’m sure he’d love to beat me to death to get rid of the freak, as would many other residents here.
I tried talking to the support worker on duty last night about how awful I feel about my body, but she just didn’t get it.  Her response was “everyone has something they hate about themselves”.  Well I hate almost everything about myself. She is one of the beautiful people and she could get any guy that she wanted. No cisgender person can compare how they feel about their body to how I feel about mine.   She’s a good person, but I think the conversation did more harm than good.

Reasons why I cannot be in a relationship, despite longing for one…

As much as I want a relationship, I am incapable of being with anyone because:

  1. I hate myself.
  2. I’m ugly.
  3. I’d never be comfortable being naked or even semi-naked with someone.
  4. I don’t like sex because I have a very low libido and I hate what’s between my legs.
  5. I don’t even like kissing.
  6. I have too many insecurities which often lead to jealousy.
  7. I sabotage relationships as a form of self-harm.
  8. I’m not romantic at all.
  9. I failed to make any of my previous partners feel loved.
  10. Sometimes I just want to be left alone.
  11. None of my previous partners could handle my depression.
  12. I can’t trust people.
  13. I ruin people’s lives.
  14. There’s a very strong likelihood that I’ll end up taking my own life, so it would be selfish to put someone through that.
  15. I still love my ex-wife and I cannot imagine anyone coming close to replacing her.  

Fuck it….I’m better off alone.

Too ugly to meet people 

…..of course she hasn’t emailed me again (the girl I met yesterday). Why would she?  She was probably almost as disgusted by my appearance as I am, only at least she can walk away, just like everyone else does.   I don’t blame her.  I wouldn’t want to be seen with someone as ugly as me either.   

Thank you for reminding me how ugly and worthless I am 

J was just wasting my time.  The final straw was him complaining he’d had “no luck” ok OK Cupid and that he felt ugly and unwanted, meaning j has zero interest in me. Our email exchanges have been almost nothing but him telling me how miserable he is.  Once again, someone has left me feeling ugly and not good enough. I wasn’t looking to make “guy friends” or to be someone’s therapist.  

Every time I try to put myself out there and meet people, it always ends the same way….with me getting hurt and being reminded of the FACT that I am ugly and worthless.

I was dreading the weekend enough as it is, but the attempts  I’ve made to meet people over the past few weeks have left me feeling even more hopeless.  I’m never going to find anyone – not even friends.

I just want to give up.  I need to hurt myself…to punish myself for my appearance.