I have to go to Social Security again this afternoon and I’m dreading it. My care manager will be with me, but it’s still going to be a scary experience. They just want to see my permanent resident card, which would be fine if I’d received the new one, but the old one has my deadname on it and an old picture of what was once me.
I told one of the counselors at the treatment housing that I’m giving up as far as socializing goes. As soon as I get my own wifi in my apartment, I’m going to be holed up in there most of the time. I’ve had too much exposure to the outside world and it’s left me with nothing but more self-hatred and more dysphoria.
I didn’t go out last night at all to get online as I virtually always do. I didn’t want to bump into E, or anyone else for that matter. I took my meds early and fell asleep sometime just after 9pm. Before that, I got through 3 chapters of my book.
The diet is going well. It consists of an apple and coffee in the morning, a bowl of bran flakes for lunch and salad for dinner. When I weighed myself yesterday, I was down to 173lbs. I’m not starving myself, although I am avoiding protein for a while so that my arms can finish wasting away. While I wish E hadn’t drawn attention to my arm muscle, I’m also glad because my arms are disgusting and I never really noticed before, since I was convinced they’d wasted away sufficiently. I can’t wear tank tops anymore or dresses with straps without a cardigan. Hopefully more than halving my daily calories and cutting out all forms of protein will help me get rid of the ugliness. Otherwise, I really am going to have to starve myself. As for E, I’m avoiding her completely. Even if I tried to explain to her how she’s hurt me, I don’t think she would understand. I should’ve elaborated more when I gave my food to her on Saturday, but she didn’t seem to care anyway. She is too wrapped up in her own issues.
I made peace with Holly the other day. I realized that she didn’t do anything to me maliciously. She was a good friend at one point. It isn’t worth holding a grudge over, especially as she has her own problems to deal with.
I am giving up on meeting new people though. It isn’t with the risk to my mental health and I’ve really only ever made friends online. None of the residents in my apartment building seem like they could be potential friends. Several of them have already managed to trigger me and I have a reputation of being rude, just because I don’t say hello. I feel like people just see me as a freak and many of them hate me.
If I can’t make friends, I still need help with going out. I still haven’t been able to leave my comfort zone of the 4 ‘safe places’ that I have here in Rochester. If I had a friend willing to go out with me, it would help enormously, but since that isn’t likely to happen, I’m rather stuck. I want to go to school when he next semester starts, but I’m not sure how I’ll cope with being in a classroom or how I’ll even get there, given my fear of buses here.
I miss my mum, but I don’t know how to deal with what felt like her turning her back on me when I thought I’d never be able to get my name changed here. She’s getting older and it pains me to think that I might never see her again. I’ve got no plans to return to the UK and won’t be able to afford to visit until the day comes when I’m back on my feet and working. I’m not one to hold grudges, but I am not willing to grovel to get her to speak to me again. We are very different people, except for the fact that we are both stubborn and hard-headed and locked into a certain way of thinking. Many arguments were started by me when I felt that I could never connect with her on an emotional level. She’s great with practical stuff and being logical, whereas I am all about feelings and emotions. Her husband is a good guy, but I remember the time he called me a “drama queen”. Compared to the rest of my family, I can’t really disagree with him. I hate to admit that part of me thrives on drama and it’s a huge character flaw of mine.
Anyway, back to worrying about going to Social Security later.,..,