Night owl mode

I’m usually asleep by now, but I managed to watch WWE Raw on YouTube.   I went out earlier to Wegmans to buy a few groceries.  My care manager very kindly gave me a gift card as I don’t have an EBT card to boy food.  I only bought a few things, mainly cereal, eggs and fruit. It was hot and homie so I wore shorts, my ugly pale legs attracting unwanted attention.  The cashier said he liked my necklace. I wanted to tell him I liked his hair, but I was too embarrassed and it might’ve made him feel awkward, but he has beautiful long blonde hair and has extremely cute. I’m not thinking “missed connections” again as there is no chance that he’d be interested in an ugly freak like me.

The date never materialized…yet another flake.  After mentally preparing myself and spending time doing my makeup, the guy wanted to just come to my place, which I thought was weird. I was actually looking forward to going out, even if it was just for coffee.  I just told him to forget it in the end and never heard anything back.  M hasn’t contacted me either. I’ve given up all hope of finding friendship or love in Rochester.  I’m too afraid to meet anyone else at this point. I’m only here because I have excellent care, but if I lose that, I’m in trouble.

Someone is going to help me as far as the complaint against the security guard is concerned.   I’m not going to say who they are, but I trust this individual.  They realizes that it’s too pailful for me to have to deal with spoken.

I think I’m just going to isolate over the weekend. I have all the food I need and an internet connection.  It’s going to be ridiculously hot anyway and I prefer to avoid WEPs.

I still don’t feel like sleeping. I’m tired of waking up at 3am.  The longer I stay up now, the less time I’ll have to be conscious tomorrow when I’ll be stuck in all day.

Fake friends and unwanted comments from strangers

My money came in today, so I went to Walmart early this morning to buy groceries.  Despite the temperature being in the low 20’s, the air was still and crisp, so the cold didn’t affect me too much.  There were very few people on the bus both ways. Sunday morning is a safe time to go out.

I got triggered by a comment about my height made by a guest at the motel.  He asked me “do you play basketball?” and I ignored him. I rushed bask to my room, dumped my bags of shopping and started crying.  I’m so fucking sick and tired of people marking comments about my height.  I would love to have both my legs amputated and be made deaf, so I’d never have to deal with it again. It makes me wonder if people do it just to hurt me.

I fell out with one of the only two online friends I talk to on a regular basis.  But she was leading me on, telling me she wanted me to be her girlfriend.  I knew it was too good to be true.  She was posting love notes on my Facebook wall, but then I realized she was changing the settings so that only I could see them.  She was the one who also said she’d help me with a place to stay if I needed to get back to the UK, so now that avenue is closed.  I’m tired of people playing me for an idiot.  I’m tired of fake people who prey on the fact that I’m weak and lonely.

I’m sick of being in this motel and I the prolonged social isolation that has worsened my mental health   I was woken up at 4am by people shouting, banging and laughing, with zero consideration for anyone. I couldn’t get back to sleep after that.   To add to the problems here,  both ice machines are broken, so the frozen meals I bought will have to be used within 24 hours or they’ll go bad.  I don’t want to be here anymore.  I’m beginning to wonder if Rochester is somewhere that I can even live, because people here are too opinionated and I don’t like the constant comments or being approached by strangers, period.  It isn’t something I’ll ever get used to, even if I were mentally stable.  I miss London – no one even so much as glanced at me there.  Rochester feels like a small town to me and I can’t see myself making real friends here, based on what I’ve seen in 7 months of living here and being exposed to all sorts of people.

I don’t think I’m ever going to fit in anywhere.  Nowhere is “home”. I thought it was the UK, until I realized that the UK I considered home once has changed almost as much as I’ve changed.  Perhaps I’ll find home when this shitty existence of mine finally comes to a welcome end.

I’m going to talk to god for a bit, because no one else will listen and no one else understands what I’m going through.

Another disappointment caused by a flaky, fake personĀ 

Mentally, I’ve moved a few more notches closer to either booking a flight back to the UK and dealing with the consequences, or giving up.  I don’t know anyone that I could stay with in the UK until I were to get back on my feet again.  I know my family won’t help and while I accept that, I wish they’d understand why I need to leave the United States.

Anyone who knows me will know that it takes a lot for me to meet anyone in person for the first time.  It isn’t just my social anxiety; the risks are far greater for someone in my position than most people.

I’d been talking to a guy that I met on a dating site back in early December.  He seemed cool and didn’t seem like a chaser and he wasn’t creepy.  We arranged to meet at 8pm today.  I wasn’t going to as usually I need a day to mentally prepare to meet someone new, but he insisted on meeting tonight. So I agreed, then spent all afternoon mentally preparing and 2 hours getting ready.  I fixed my nail and took the time and effort with makeup that I don’t usually bother with that much.  Anyway, the messages me with tamest excuse to cavelike just 30 minutes before we were meant to meet.  It took me a while to react, but I basically told him to go fuck himself after he had the nerve to ask me i sometime (unspecified) tomorrow was okay. I get that people cancel, but he could have told me 2 hours earlier, so I didn’t waste time and makeup that I don’t have a lot of money to replace, hence I use it sparingly.

Had this happened in another place at another time, it would be easier to just write off and move on.  But all it’s done is add to the list of flaky people that I’ve met here in Rochester since I got here in July.  From the two former friends who encouraged me to move back before deciding that I was too much to the flaky people I met at the transgender group.  I’m beginning to think that it’s not just because I’m an ugly piece of shit and deserving of it, but also because there are higher than average count of flaky people in Rochester (it’s probably both).  Yet again, I got my hopes up and was actually looking forward to it, only to be let down again.   I was looking forward to getting away from this motel room too and perhaps feeling a little human.  
I feel like I have no future in the United States anyway, with at least 4 years of Trump ahead of us. Brexit in the UK is bad, but unlike here in the US, LGBT rights are not at stake.  Even if I get into treatment housing soon, recover relatively quickly and find a job, I’m still faced with a very uncertain and scary future here. I’d never be able to leave New York and some states will quote literally me “no go area”, because it’s open season on minorities, women and marginalized people.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to convince anyone that I probably need to leave.  Even if nothing change for the worst for 2 years or more, the fact is it will only be a matter of time and I don’t want that axe hanging over my head.  How can I possibly see a future for myself here?  Is there even any point debating it, because no one can give me a straight or honest answer anyway, because they either don’t know or are afraid themselves.

I didn’t want this to happen and I am not running away.  I have nothing here though; not even an acquaintance.  It’s more important for me to have family, friends, safety and no fear of everything being taken away than this.

I don’t even want to get older or old. A 62 year old guy added me on Facebook and he just seems so lonely and desperate just for someone to hear him.  But at leas the has a son to live for, which is probably all he does live for.  I don’t have that; I don’t have anything.  That will be me in 30 years time, if I’m still stuck here being too much of a coward to commit suicide.

I can’t do this anymore.