** TRIGGER WARNING **
Day 1 of the diet and I’ve eaten all I’m going to eat all day – an apple. I’ll keep drinking plenty of water. I have to do this in the hope that my ugly arms and shoulders will waste away and my stomach will return to its formerly flat state. I hate food and what it’s done to me.
The community meeting last Thursday featured a discussion on peer-to-peer support and a monthly meet up group for residents and their “family and friends”. I wish I hadn’t gone to the community meeting a all. I don’t have any family or friends here. And even if my family did live here, they wouldn’t go to something like that. My mum has stopped talking to me since we fell out a month or so ago. My dad just thinks I’m a pain in the ass and a drug addict. None of my half siblings talk to me and I have no desire to reach out to them. Friends? The only true friend I have left lives 2 states away. The meeting just left me feeling even more lonely and worthless. It’s part of the reason why I can’t shake off this latest depressive spell. I will say that my family (including me) could have benefited from family therapy back when I was a child then teenager, but even if it were possible, it’s too late now.
I keep wondering if I should email my mum, but I can’t get over how she not only refused to help me get back to the UK, but also tried to dissuade me from coming back at all. At the time, my legal name change was in major doubt and I was terrified of losing my healthcare. If I reach out to her, she will make me grovel and she will make me feel guilty. I’m not sure if I can deal with that right now, but I feel like I quite literally have no one. She will claim that I hate her and don’t care about her, which isn’t true. I actually enjoyed staying with her last year and doing things with her, such as the day that we went to Lincoln together on the bus.
I am not sure if hanging out with E is a good idea. She doesn’t have a filter and she has already managed to trigger my dysphoria by “pointing out” my ugly muscular arms. She only seems to want to talk about the people she’s slept with or dated and her family. I keep thinking “At least you have a family and at least men find you attractive”.
This weekend is going to be extremely difficult. I got rid of my food, so I can’t comfort eat. I know the hunger will be tough for the first 2 days or so, then I’ll just start to feel tired and my appetite will lessen (based on past experience of starving myself). At least having anxiety and weekend anxiety will make it impossible for me to go out and buy more food, even if I get tempted. I want to avoid E and everyone else. I don’t know what I’m going to do to kill time and take my mind off the boredom, loneliness and emptiness. Self-harm is always an option, though I have to be careful not to get caught doing that.
I know that I sound like a broken record and I know that people are reading this blog and enjoying watching me suffer. But I’ll say it again: I’m sick of being ugly, scared and alone. I am grateful for the help I’ve received, but take that away and I’ve got nothing. I’m never going to be happy as long as I’m trapped inside this disgusting body and tormented by my broken mind. I’m done with trying to meet people here in Rochester (dating and friends) because they’ve all hurt / rejected me for being too ugly.