Pushing people away and sabotaging potential friendships and romantic relationships 

Although I’ve been unable to break the cycle as far as pushing people away and sabotaging potential connections go, I’m aware that I do it.  I do it because I find it so hard to trust and to let people in. CI’ve also done it to remove myself as a burden to that person.  It is a common trait associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which I have been diagnosed with in the past.  

There are a few people I’ve pushed away over the last few years that I truly regret pushing away.  The most recent was a transgender woman named Paige.  I also now regret pushing Holly and Stephanie away.  They had no malicious intent towards me, they were just out of their depth as far as helping me was concerned.  There are even people online who I regret pushing away or being rude to because I took something they said the wrong way.

I actually hope that some of the people I’ve pushed away get to read this.  While they may not forgive me, I hope they’ll understand why. But there are some that I would give my right leg to have another chance with.

I suggest watching the video on this page if you push people away or simply want to understand why some people engage in such behavior:

Pushing People Away, Yet Wanting Closeness | Abandonment & Being Hurt

While I can relate to the “why” part, I feel like fixing it is possibly beyond me, as it requires building of confidence and self-esteem.  I’ve never had either confidence or positive self-esteem.  But it is an issue I plan on raising with my therapist next time, if I remember that is.

Undiagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome

I have suspected that I’m on the autism spectrum for a while (and I am not the only one in our family who I suspect is also on the spectrum ).  I have known many people with various forms of autism and I’ve always been able to relate to them the most and I feel less uneasy around then than I do around most.  I know this is just an online test, but I have taken more extensive tests that have yielded the same results:

Asperger’s AQ test site

A friend told me that many females in particular with Asperger’s are misdiagnosed with EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, formerly known as BPD).  I was diagnosed with BPD last year, but I lack the co-dependency symptoms and clingy behaviour associated with BPD.   In fact, I tend to push people away without then begging them to come back.
Autistic Women: Misdiagnosis and the Importance of Getting it Right

I have mentioned it to mental health professionals here in the UK, but none of them were interested in investigating the possibility and just fobbed me off as they tend to here, if you attempt to self-label.  One support worker told me “There’s no point in you pursuing a diagnosis now as I’d imagine it’s too late“.

So IF I have AS, at the very least wouldn’t an official diagnosis at least explain many of the problems I have had over the years and would reduce the risk of being given the wrong treatment?  I am sure that many individuals on the autism spectrum could also have co-morbid BPD, deprsssion and anxiety.  But to just treat those as independent entities of one another with “happy pills” is not the answer.  I have never been able to cope well on my own, nor have I ever found it easy to make friends.  I’ve always felt on a totally different wavelength to most people.   A diagnosis might have also helped my family understand why I am the way that I am, rather than accuse me of being selfish or making excuses. 

Growing up, I had few friends and very “obsessive” and non-typical interests that I pursued and talked non-stop about, with no regard to whether anyone else was actually interested.   Now (more than ever) I need almost constant music.  My earplugs are never far behind.  I do this to drown out the outside world and as many of my thoughts as possible.   I also have misophonia, or sound sensitivity towards certain noisies such as chewing, typing and even breathing.  At my last job, such sounds used to drive me into a rage or “fight or flight” response and caused me to hate a couple of my coworkers.  Not even loud music could drown these sounds out.  

Misophonia Self Test

Living with Extreme Sound Sensitivity

But it’s too late for me.  I just wanted to put this out there, as it may help explain my many character flaws to those who took them personally.   It also explains a lot of issues that I’ve had (and still have).  I had no idea that they could all be connected in this way.