Longing to be normal 

I slept horribly last night, largely because I took my medication far too early as I simply couldn’t stand being conscious. I was pacing around the apartment building, losing my mind. I broke down in tears when I got back to my empty and internet-less apartment and decided that I’d had enough.

Since it’s a bank holiday, I’m going to have to go to the coffee shop again to get online.  I feel worse than I did yesterday and i wouldn’t go out at all if I didn’t have the insatiable need to get online and at least feel ‘connected’ to something.

I still fee like I’m eating too much. I feel guilty because I ate an apple when I woke up at 3am. Perhaps I should stop putting soy milk in my coffee and just drink it black.  Since I had a bowl of bran flakes yesterday, I’m not allowing myself to have a bowl of bran flakes again today.  While I feel like I’m losing weight around my belly and can now fit into my size 9 shorts, my arms are still disgustingly ugly. When I go to the coffee shop,  I ether drink coffee with skimmed milk or sugarless ice tea (it’s literally just cold tea with ice, not that nasty sugary chemical shit).   Now that the scars from my surgery have healed enough, I’ve started doing squats and crunches again.

I have no one to talk to in the treatment apartment that I live in. E triggered me far too much and only seemed to want to talk about the guys she’s fucked.  Christine doesn’t talk to me anymore either, even though I’ve tried knocking on her door a few times.  Nobody here likes me and some of them flat out hate me. It is getting old…I feel like I’m an outcast among outcasts.   I am insanely lonely and the loneliness is driving me insane and is further robbing me of any motivation to try to get better.  Even being in the coffee shop is tough, seeing and overhearing normal people have normal conversations.

I’m still not really getting the long-term help I need, which is help in the community.   I cannot continue like this, only able to go 2-3 places on my own (and even that is very dependent on timing).  I don’t feel safe in my apartment because I’m cut off and alone with my thoughts.  I have to get internet and soon.  Going out when I’m not well enough is doing harm, not good.   

When I weigh myself at the clinic tomorrow, I hope I’m at least below 170lbs or I’m done with food completely.  

The freak in the coffee shop 

The coffee shop is virtually empty, which I’m glad of.   I found a comfortable couch with sufficient light to read my book and socket nearby to keep my inactive / wifi only phone charged.  I don’t know what I’d do without this place. It’s the only place in Rochester where I feel both safe and somewhat normal….just another patron reading her book or playing with her phone.   I am the only loner though, as always.  I don’t get the impression that any of the “normal” people here would ever want to start a conversation with a freak like me.  But I’m not in my “cut off” apartment and I’m safe. I’ll stay here as long as I can, until it gets busy. It is Memorial Day weekend and o figured that most people would be out, making the most of the 3 day weekend and the nice weather.


But I’m lonely….lonely and wishing that I could be like them: normal, cisgender, a part of society and with friendship and love in their lives.

But I’m a freak….a freak about to humiliatingly lose a discrimination case.   I have nothing to look forward to and no one to spend any time with.  This is just marginally better than being holed up in my apartment.

Sunday morning – depressed and ugly

Sunday morning and day 2 of the “diet”.  I already had my food intake for the day, which was an apple and a cup of coffee to counter the grogginess I feel due to my meds.  I gave the last of my food to E and she gave some of it to another resident.   I didn’t mind, because at least I know it’ll feed someone else and won’t go to waste.   I asked her to promise me that she wouldn’t tell anyone that I am essentially starving myself.  She kind of owes me one after she was the one who made the comment about my arm muscles that has triggered this, although I was highly self-conscious and disgusted by my arms before she said anything.  She just validated my insecurities, which is what ‘well meaning’ people seem to be great at doing lately.

I feel depressed, but this latest depressive spell has been lingering since Thursday, with no sign of shifting.  I tried hanging out with E yesterday, but after a while I started feeling too bad and went back to my apartment and crashed.  I just don’t feel like there’s any hope for me at all.  I’m wasting time and valuable resources by simply existing because I’m too afraid that if I attempt suicide, I’ll fail.

I don’t know what to do with myself today.  I don’t feel up to going to the coffee shop and I don’t have the head to sit and read my book.  I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom yesterday, as the scars from my surgery don’t hurt as much as they did.  I don’t feel like socializing with E as she tends to talk about her family a lot and her ex boyfriends and her experiences with girls. At least she has a family here.  I might try to take the bus to the grocery store this evening, when I know there won’t be many people out.  I’ll just buy more apples, green tea, soy milk, bran flakes and diet soda to swallow my medication.   I also need moisturizer to keep my uglyface hydrated as I have such horrible, ugly dry skin otherwise.  I don’t want to have to carry a lot because I need my ugly arm muscles to waste away.  

Hopefully the food cravings will go soon and will be replaced by tiredness and weakness.  Having much less energy won’t be a bad thing, because the energy  I have is restless energy. I can’t turn it into anything productive because I can’t even go out that much on my own.   Hopefully I’ll shrink back to a size 8 like I was 2 years ago and my ugly arm and shoulder muscles will waste away.    

“Blow Up The Outside World” 

I had a bad dream last night that involved one of my younger brothers becoming a parent and my jealousy and envy of them.  I know most people probably wouldn’t understand why such a thing would cause me pain, but I have always felt inferior to my 2 younger half brothers.  They are normal, successful, married and not afflicted with the ugly gene that has ruined my life.

The dream plus my dysphoria has left me feeling extremely low. It was a challenge to even get out of bed this morning and take a shower, but I cannot be in my apartment for too long as I am quite literally “cut off” from the outside world.

Chris Cornell’s death is really affecting me.  I listened to an hour long tribute to his life and music on the radio last night on the Nikki Sixx show.  I knew Chris suffered from depression, but I never thought that he’d take his own life or die before his time like many of the other tortured grunge era musicians.    I also thought of an (almost) ex girlfriend of mine who was utterly obsessed with Soundgarden and Chris Cornell. She must be devastated.

I feel utterly burned out for some reason. I think I did too much socializing yesterday.  I think my dysphoria is getting the better of me.   Too much “outside world” exposure and rejection have done a number on me. I’ve given up on the idea of dating and ever becoming functional. I’ve largely given up on myself too.  It’s a permeating sense of defeat that is only going to continue to eat away at me until I can no longer take it.

I’m going to starve myself after I’ve used the food I have left.   I feel like a bloated, huge ugly monster.   I still have too much muscle in my upper arms and shoulders, despite being on HRT for over 3 1/2 years and not producing teaosterone.  If I starve myself, I’ll waste away.   It’ll make me sick, but I don’t care.   I’m disgusted by my body and by food.  I wanted to put a bullet in my head when E noticed the muscle in my right arm.   

I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and the feeling is only getting more intense as I get older.  Society has changed, I have no love in my life and most of my idols are dead.  I can’t even look at the news anymore because it scares me to death.  I feel like I’m just waiting to die.

Reasons why I cannot be in a relationship, despite longing for one…

As much as I want a relationship, I am incapable of being with anyone because:

  1. I hate myself.
  2. I’m ugly.
  3. I’d never be comfortable being naked or even semi-naked with someone.
  4. I don’t like sex because I have a very low libido and I hate what’s between my legs.
  5. I don’t even like kissing.
  6. I have too many insecurities which often lead to jealousy.
  7. I sabotage relationships as a form of self-harm.
  8. I’m not romantic at all.
  9. I failed to make any of my previous partners feel loved.
  10. Sometimes I just want to be left alone.
  11. None of my previous partners could handle my depression.
  12. I can’t trust people.
  13. I ruin people’s lives.
  14. There’s a very strong likelihood that I’ll end up taking my own life, so it would be selfish to put someone through that.
  15. I still love my ex-wife and I cannot imagine anyone coming close to replacing her.  

Fuck it….I’m better off alone.

Today feels like a bad dream 

Today hasn’t been good, partly because I’m nervous about my surgery tomorrow and I’m overthinking like crazy about the guy I met last night.   He hasn’t messaged me today and I’m guessing he’s probably had second thoughts.  Why would anyone want to date someone so ugly and damaged as me? I don’t know who will be accompanying me to hospital tomorrow and I’m worried about not being able to wear makeup because of my ugliness.

I went grocery shopping earlier with a group from my apartment building.   They changed plans last minute and went to Price Rite instead of the Wegmans supermarket that I’m familiar with and feel safe at.  I didn’t feel safe there at all and I couldn’t find much of what I needed.  The group was entirely men except for me and that made me even more anxious, but I kept my headphones on and just looked down at the ground.

Anyway, I doubt that I’ll ever hear from that guy again. It’ll be the same outcome as last time.  It’s a shame, because I found him so easy to talk to.

I feel depressed again. The world seems like a scarier place than usual     Everything feels surreal today, like a bad dream that I’m trapped in.  

Ugly, bloated and lonely 

** TRIGGER WARNING  ** 

I feel ugly, bloated and huge.  Food is beginning to disgust me again, like it did a few years ago when I’d purposely try to starve myself.  I was living with S at the time though and she knew that I wasn’t eating and it upset her. I  sometimes went days without eating, but that’s all I could get away with. I’m just as disgusted with my body as I was then, only now I don’t have to worry about anyone worrying about me.   I want the remaining muscle in my shoulders and arms to waste away.   I want my ugly bloated belly to disappear. I want to be able to see my ribcage.  If I weren’t so tall, I wouldn’t be as concerned.  But when I had to wear my ugly coat yesterday because it was cold, I looked like a monster.   I’m not going to subject myself to shock starvation, but I have to do this.   I don’t want to nourish this disgusting ugly body so that it can get bigger and uglier.
I have to go to therapy this afternoon. I’m not sure what to talk about, as I feel like a broken record. Loneliness, anxiety, self-hatred, dysphoria,my inability to connect with others, depression and suicidal ideation are problems that won’t go away.  There’s nothing that he can do but listen.

I finished reading Safe Haven last night.  The ending brought me to tears, then I started thinking about missing S and how I’ll never find love, so the tears didn’t stop.  I’d gone to read in the common room and I couldn’t leave there until I had stopped crying.  I couldn’t face going back to my apartment, so I sat on one of the benches in the lobby and buried my ugly head in my hands.  I started crying again and my ugly nose started running, which made me more embarrassed than crying did.   I went to one of the bathrooms on the first floor and saw my ugly reflection in the mirror.  Eyeliner had streaked down my ugly face on both sides from crying so much.   I wiped it off and ran back to my apartment.   I’m pretty sure someone saw how awful I looked.

I just wish that I had someone. I hate the feeling of crying alone, with no one there to comfort me.  Sometimes I quite literally can’t stop crying when I’m alone and it’s a horrible feeling.  The pain doesn’t go away and I’ve cried myself to sleep many times, waking up feeling dreadful the next morning.

My life has turned out to be worse than I’d ever imagined as a child and teenager.   I knew that finding love would be difficult, but I didn’t think that I’d end up without it. I didn’t think I’d end up with no friends, unemployed and I never thought I would give in to my gender identity, because I knew it would make life impossible.   I knew from a very early age that an ugly boy could never be a girl.   I was aware of it, but all I wanted to he was normal.  I wanted to he like my parents and like other parents.

The only good thing that has ever happened to me was meeting S.  I don’t know how or why she fell in love with me, but I trusted her and I trusted myself to just go with it.  She gave me the best years of my life, despite our many problems.  I wish I could tell her how grateful I am for all that she gave me.  I actually had some semblance of a life for a while, rather than an existence.  I hated what I was, not she loved me and I had 2-3 friends who were real friends., including S’s brother, who was more of a brother to me than any of my related brothers.  Her mother took me in as one of her own and treated me with respect and kindness.

I’ve said enough for now anyway. Writing about this stuff is necessary, but it is also very painful.  I don’t want to start crying again, especially as I have to get ready to go, because I don’t want to be in this apartment alone.