The DMV was a painless experience

Well, all of my worrying about the DMV was nothing more than anticipatory anxiety. It was largely painless.  I now have a New York drivers license (albeit temporary until the proper one comes in the mail) with my correct name and gender.  I am now female New Yorker rather than a male Floridian, as far as state of residence goes.  I am very happy that finally my deadname is ‘dead’ and that this state is now my home.

It’s a beautiful day outside too. I wore one of the sundresses I bought a few weeks ago specifically for weather like this.  When I lived as a male, I hated summer, but now it’s my favorite time of year and I thrive in the heat.

The wifi is down at the clinic, so I’m not sure when I am going to be able to publish this. At least I can get internet at home now, once my SSD is in place.

A good day, despite yet another “date” gone wrong. I truly give up with dating. All it does is hurt me.

Weird couple of days

I’ve had a weird couple of days. I don’t even know where to begin though as far as writing about it goes.

The bad news: the name change saga is apparently far from over.   It still has to be changed at both the DMV and DSS.  We are going to the DMV tomorrow, but I fear they will refuse to misuse me a New York drivers license in my new name because I still haven’t had my permanent resident card back yet…and that could be months away.   This means that my health insurance details won’t be able to be changed either, meaning I have to continue to put offf seeing a dentist, podiatrist and ear, nose and throat specialist.  It means that I still won’t ne able to do many things without a state ID, including feeling like I actually live here.

I met a girl from PK Cupid earlier today.  She was also transgender and I liked her company.  I don’t think she liked me though and I’d be surprised if I hear from her again.  We met at the coffee shop and drove around in her car for a while before she dropped me back home.  It’s not a big deal.  I’ve already given up on the idea of finding love, so it’s no loss as my hopes weren’t raised in the first place.  

I miss my mum, the cats and my ex wife.   I’m grateful for the help that I get here, but I’m really missing the kind of connection with other people that I need.  E doesn’t hang out with me. anymore and she has started spending time with one of the men here that don’t like me.  They probably talk shit about me…I csn feel it.  None of the men here like me and some of them flat-out hate me and scare me.  I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before something bad happens.

My care manager seems to know what he’s doing when it comes to the DMV, so hopefully I’ll have some good news by tomorrow afternoon, rather than potentially awful news.  It’s going to be hot tomorrow, so I can finally wear one of the dresses I bought at the thrift store for warmer weather.  I still need more clothes, but I need someone to come shopping with me.  I can’t even face the buses here anymore.  But I need to look as feminine as possible for the DMV tomorrow as I fear being misgendered and deadnamed due to my old IDs. 

I gained back the 8lbs that I lost, so I need to cut back on eating.  I haven’t noticed any negative effects from stopping blockers after surgery.  My body definitely isn’t producing testosterone, because I would’ve felt it by now or even smelled differently.  I’m glad that I don’t have to take medication to stop that poison from further damaging my body, especially as I never finished “male” puberty and up until 4 years ago,  I was still very slowly developing until blockers put a stop to it.

Now my life can begin (death of my deadname) 

I got my new Social Security card with my correct name!   Now my life can truly begin.  Next up Nee York DMV.  Now things like school, opening a bank account, getting the internet at home and eventually working again are now realistic goals.  

I couldn’t have done it without the help of an awesome attorney named Milo.  

Finally got my court order (RIP deadname) 

Well, it’s official.  My deadname died today, April 28, 2017.   I have the court order in my hands and 3 copies.   All thanks to the wonderful attorney that got it done and in little more than a month.   Now I just need to go to Social Security and the New York DMV.  

While I’m insanely happy and relieved, I wish I hadn’t ruined what was a wonderful and rare connection.   I tried to apologize and explain, but it’s too late.  She’s walked away and I don’t blame her.  I’m too ugly and too broken and I should just stay alone.   She poured her heart out to me and trusted me.

Productive Wednesday 

Yesterday wasn’t bad. I made an appointment for Friday morning work the attorney so he can give me the court order to change my legal name (finally).   I’m probably going to walk there if the weather is as beautiful as today.  It’s supposed to hit 85, which is so weird considering it seemed like just yesterday when we were dealing with winter storms and subzero temperatures.

One of the support workers took us to Walmart, where I bought cosmetics, moisturizer, body wash and a top. I’ve been prescribed a new medication that is supposed to help avoid the severity of anxiety and panic attacks.  I only fake them when I know I’m about to face a stressful and potentially panic attack provoking situation.

You’re going to think that i flip-flop as bad as Donald Trump, but I kind of gave up on men on dating sites. I know I said I didn’t want another relationship with a woman, but I’ve found one that I like so far.  She’s also transgender, which is another huge flip flop on my part.  But I’ve established my boundaries with her, even though I think I came across as a bitch. I don’t know if anything will come of it, but we both have a lot in common (including both being outsiders to Rochester and into the same music).

I might go to the nearby park by the Genessee River later and make the most of the sun and hot weather. It’s not going to last.  I’ll probably spend the evening at Boulder Cafe.  Yesterday they had live music there. It got a bit too busy and I left.  There were a lot of cute guys there, including one of tne musicians who had long hair and a beard.  There was also a man with a dog that came and said hello to me. He had a perfect body that would make for a great sculpture. If only I were normal.

If only I’d stayed put in the UK

If I’d stayed in the UK, I would’ve had my assessment for SRS / GRS.  I don’t know why my mum sent me this letter, but it’s painful to see. It’s been a nightmare for me here oh the US third time around.  This just makes me feel worse.  I gave up safety, friends and the surgery I always wanted.  I came back to a place where my legal name is still my deadname.   It’s not that I hate it here in Rochester, but I definitely made a huge mistake.   

I don’t know why my mum had to send this.  She won’t help me go back to the UK and she didn’t even support my desire to come back when I was worried I’d never get a court order to change my legal name.    

Worry-filled sleepless night 

I barely managed an hour’s sleep last night. I don’t even remember dozing off for that hour, but.  I do remember having a dream involving S, which caused me to wake up crying to no one.

I am dreading the SSD medical assessment in a few hours time.  Worrying about is is largely what kept me awake.   I know they’re going to ask intrusive questions that will cause pain.  I know it’s necessary, but it couldn’t have come at a worse time.  I think I am going to ask if my surgery can be postponed, because that’s just one other stress right now.  I have no idea how I’ll wake up at the crack of dawn tomorrow to go for pre-admission testing having had practically no sleep last night. It’s too much, too soon.  The deadname needs to he killed before I can attempt to tackle anything else.

Laying awake for hours was excruciating as time almost seemed to stand still as my mind raced ahead.    I thought about death and kept imagining myself staring death in the face.  I tried to imagine the relief I’d feel, but then I imagined the pain and how I’d probably bottle it at the last second.  I keep asking myself “What are you doing here?. I’m never going to be happy or even content.   I wouldn’t be leaving anyone behind and I’d no longer be a burden.

I’m scared of what may happen today.  Will they deadname me?  Will I get triggered?  Will they just see me as some sort of joke and attribute my mental health problems to being an ugly transgender freak?  I have all these scenarios running through my head and none of them are good.  I need a period of stability to have any chance of healing, but despite being housed, that is yet to happen.   It’s just scare, trigger, disappointment and breakdown.  Therapy is barely touching on my existing day-to-day problems, allowing me a safe place to just vent.   I’m broken and it’s worse than I thought.   

I have to get ready and head over to meet my care manager.  I barely have the energy to move right now, even after 2 cups of starting coffee. All I want to do Is puke and crawl into a dark hole somewhere and die.