I belong in a big city 

I talked to my therapist about how I’m essentially “giving up” on attempts at socializing or dating here in Rochester.  It is too much of a risk to my mental health and not worth the (unlikely) reward.  I’m ever going to distance myself from E, because her ‘comment’ about my arm muscle has made it difficult for me to eat and has given me another reason to loathe my body.

I’m just going to have to pay for internet in my apartment now that Frontier are servicing the building.  I’ll keep to my apartment once I’ve got wifi.  I’ll only go out when I have to or when I feel well enough to, certainly not every day and I won’t need to go anywhere just for wifi.    I know it’s an expense, but I’m not ready for the outside world and perhaps I never will be.

I also discussed the idea of eventually aiming to live in a big city such as NYC, Philadelphia or Seattle even.  I feel more comfortable (or rather less uncomfortable) in big, busy, cosmopolitan cities.    I know that people left me the fuck alone in London and that allowed me to travel a lot more freely.  Rochester is a decent city, but I don’t think I have a future here, because I don’t fit in and people seem to have no filter and they make unwanted comments.  I doubt I’d have much chance of finding a job here, when that day comes. I need to focus on getting better and going to school to make myself employable, wherever I move.   I’m not interested in dating or making friends here anymore. It’s just not worth it.   Pretty much everyone I’ve met here has hurt me, whether they meant to or not (excluding support workers and my therapist).   I’m convinced that at least one of those people is still reading my blog and having a good laugh about it all.  

I’ll return to being an online entity and I’ll only go out when I need to or when I feel up to it.

Reasons why I cannot be in a relationship, despite longing for one…

As much as I want a relationship, I am incapable of being with anyone because:

  1. I hate myself.
  2. I’m ugly.
  3. I’d never be comfortable being naked or even semi-naked with someone.
  4. I don’t like sex because I have a very low libido and I hate what’s between my legs.
  5. I don’t even like kissing.
  6. I have too many insecurities which often lead to jealousy.
  7. I sabotage relationships as a form of self-harm.
  8. I’m not romantic at all.
  9. I failed to make any of my previous partners feel loved.
  10. Sometimes I just want to be left alone.
  11. None of my previous partners could handle my depression.
  12. I can’t trust people.
  13. I ruin people’s lives.
  14. There’s a very strong likelihood that I’ll end up taking my own life, so it would be selfish to put someone through that.
  15. I still love my ex-wife and I cannot imagine anyone coming close to replacing her.  

Fuck it….I’m better off alone.

Too ugly for the outside world 

The wifi was down at the clinic yesterday and last night.  I spent yesterday evening at the nearby coffee shop using their wifi instead.  One of the residents from my apartment building recognized me and introduced herself.  We talked for 15-20 minutes before she had to leave.

I was feeling restless last night and I walked to a nearby bar, where I stood outside using their free wifi as the wifi at the clinic was still down.   I didn’t stay long; because there were shady people and cars passing by and I had briefly forgotten that I’d gone out dressed in pajama pants and a tank top that I usually only wear to bed (not the smartest of ideas).

It took me forever to fall asleep last night, despite taking 3 Seroquel.  I lay awake worrying myself stupid and feeling extremely lonely at the same time.  I eventually fell asleep just before midnight, but I woke up at 3am after having a panic-inducing nightmare and couldn’t get back to sleep.

I signed up for a group putting to a thrift store later this morning.  I always feel guilty for spending money on myself, but I need more summer clothes and clothes shopping is one of the few things I enjoy.     I do have quite a lot of clothes, but many of them were bought over 2 years ago when 1) I wasn’t as confident presenting female as 2) my body shape has changed quite drastically due to hormones, so some of those clothes don’t fit me anymore.  I would advise anyone starting hormones to WAIT a year or so before investing in a whole new wardrobe.

The girl I met on Tuesday never emailed me, which reinforces tie absolute need for me to give up on dating and love.  I’m never going to find anyone and I’m now too scared to meet anyone from a dating site ever again.  My best friend told me that I feel too bad about myself to date, which is largely true, but I hate myself for a very valid reason: I’m ugly.  Why else would people either pity me, go ‘weird’ on me or just not contact me again after meeting me in person?  It HAS to be because of the way I look. Why else would this keep happening?  My real life persona is the same as my online persona.  The only difference is that I generally try my hardest to hide my pain as far as the outside world goes, even though some people do notice the pain in my eyes.  If I weren’t ugly, maybe I’d consider the fact that it might be that people assume that I don’t like them because of my awkwardness, aloofness and inability to make eye contact.  It wouldn’t be beyond the realm of possibility, being as I was recently told by one of the residents in my building that he thought I was angry with him.  But I’m ugly….ugly as fuck.  I’ve been single for over a year, which is the longest I’ve ever been single since my first “proper” relationship at 23 years old.

Then I start missing S again. She’s the only person that has ever truly loved me.   I keep thinking that if she’d been able to be with me as I am now, our relationship would’ve survived and I would have been a much better partner and friend to her.  I imagine that my transition would’ve been so much easier if we’d stayed together, but it was excruciatingly difficult for her and it is selfish on my part to even harbor such wishes.  She is better off without me and as much as meeting her was the best thing ever to have happened to me, I wish she hadn’t met me for her sake.

A lifetime of loneliness is as certain as death, as far as my life is concerned.  Even if I hadn’t transitioned, it’s unlikely that I’d have found love.  I have too many flaws and deformities to fix just to make myself look somewhere close to ‘average’ and I wouldn’t even know where to start.  I have asked for referrals to a chiropractor to fix my ugly (and painful) feet and an ear nose and thrust specialist to fix my huge nose, as it isn’t just ugly; it’s causing breathing problems too.   I could see an orthodontist / maxillofacial surgeon about fixing my jaw, but that would involve major surgery that I am terrified of, especially as I wouldn’t be able to look after myself post-surgery.  

I need to just avoid the outside world as much as possible, as it’ll never be safe for me and it only serves to remind me of what I’ll never have and who I’ll never be.   My dysphoria has returned with a vengeance and that is largely due to exposure with the outside world and situations that I have little or no control over.  The help that I’m getting now won’t last forever and without it I’d be truly fucked.  Ironically, I was able to be more functional when I self-medicated with drugs and alcohol.

The DMV was a painless experience

Well, all of my worrying about the DMV was nothing more than anticipatory anxiety. It was largely painless.  I now have a New York drivers license (albeit temporary until the proper one comes in the mail) with my correct name and gender.  I am now female New Yorker rather than a male Floridian, as far as state of residence goes.  I am very happy that finally my deadname is ‘dead’ and that this state is now my home.

It’s a beautiful day outside too. I wore one of the sundresses I bought a few weeks ago specifically for weather like this.  When I lived as a male, I hated summer, but now it’s my favorite time of year and I thrive in the heat.

The wifi is down at the clinic, so I’m not sure when I am going to be able to publish this. At least I can get internet at home now, once my SSD is in place.

A good day, despite yet another “date” gone wrong. I truly give up with dating. All it does is hurt me.

Weird couple of days

I’ve had a weird couple of days. I don’t even know where to begin though as far as writing about it goes.

The bad news: the name change saga is apparently far from over.   It still has to be changed at both the DMV and DSS.  We are going to the DMV tomorrow, but I fear they will refuse to misuse me a New York drivers license in my new name because I still haven’t had my permanent resident card back yet…and that could be months away.   This means that my health insurance details won’t be able to be changed either, meaning I have to continue to put offf seeing a dentist, podiatrist and ear, nose and throat specialist.  It means that I still won’t ne able to do many things without a state ID, including feeling like I actually live here.

I met a girl from PK Cupid earlier today.  She was also transgender and I liked her company.  I don’t think she liked me though and I’d be surprised if I hear from her again.  We met at the coffee shop and drove around in her car for a while before she dropped me back home.  It’s not a big deal.  I’ve already given up on the idea of finding love, so it’s no loss as my hopes weren’t raised in the first place.  

I miss my mum, the cats and my ex wife.   I’m grateful for the help that I get here, but I’m really missing the kind of connection with other people that I need.  E doesn’t hang out with me. anymore and she has started spending time with one of the men here that don’t like me.  They probably talk shit about me…I csn feel it.  None of the men here like me and some of them flat-out hate me and scare me.  I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before something bad happens.

My care manager seems to know what he’s doing when it comes to the DMV, so hopefully I’ll have some good news by tomorrow afternoon, rather than potentially awful news.  It’s going to be hot tomorrow, so I can finally wear one of the dresses I bought at the thrift store for warmer weather.  I still need more clothes, but I need someone to come shopping with me.  I can’t even face the buses here anymore.  But I need to look as feminine as possible for the DMV tomorrow as I fear being misgendered and deadnamed due to my old IDs. 

I gained back the 8lbs that I lost, so I need to cut back on eating.  I haven’t noticed any negative effects from stopping blockers after surgery.  My body definitely isn’t producing testosterone, because I would’ve felt it by now or even smelled differently.  I’m glad that I don’t have to take medication to stop that poison from further damaging my body, especially as I never finished “male” puberty and up until 4 years ago,  I was still very slowly developing until blockers put a stop to it.

Thank you for reminding me how ugly and worthless I am 

J was just wasting my time.  The final straw was him complaining he’d had “no luck” ok OK Cupid and that he felt ugly and unwanted, meaning j has zero interest in me. Our email exchanges have been almost nothing but him telling me how miserable he is.  Once again, someone has left me feeling ugly and not good enough. I wasn’t looking to make “guy friends” or to be someone’s therapist.  

Every time I try to put myself out there and meet people, it always ends the same way….with me getting hurt and being reminded of the FACT that I am ugly and worthless.

I was dreading the weekend enough as it is, but the attempts  I’ve made to meet people over the past few weeks have left me feeling even more hopeless.  I’m never going to find anyone – not even friends.

I just want to give up.  I need to hurt myself…to punish myself for my appearance.

I’ll never find love (too ugly, not good enough)

J turned out to be yet another flaky time waster, just like every other asshole I’ve met in Rochester.  Since he cancelled meeting last Sunday (after I practically limped all the way to the coffee shop in pain), he became vague and distant.  Not once did he ask how I was. When I said I’d stop bothering him, his response was “no problem”.  What hurts is that I almost believed him when he repeatedly told me that he wasn’t like anyone else I’d met….bullshit.  I’ve been played for a fool again and I’m left wondering why this keeps happening to me.   I’ve had horrible luck in this city, whether it’s been potential friends, former friends or the 3 “dates” that I’ve been on.

I give up.

Am I that ugly and that unlovable that I need to just accept that I’ll never find anyone?   I know it must be me, because even the other ‘broken’ people I’ve met here seem to have no problem meeting people, whether it’s for friendship or love.   The main reason why I’m worried about losing my health insurance and healthcare is that if you take away those paid to take care of me and listen to my bullshit, I’d truly be alone.

This has left me feeling hideously ugly, dysphoric and worthless.  I know it’s me….and don’t try to tell me otherwise.  I don’t want to meet anyone else though and I’ve given up on the idea of a boyfriend or a girlfriend as I’m too ugly to be loved and never good enough.  I’m nothing but a freak, an example of a failed transtion and a joke.  I wish I could be re-programmed so that I don’t need people anymore.