Pushing people away and sabotaging potential friendships and romantic relationships 

Although I’ve been unable to break the cycle as far as pushing people away and sabotaging potential connections go, I’m aware that I do it.  I do it because I find it so hard to trust and to let people in. CI’ve also done it to remove myself as a burden to that person.  It is a common trait associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which I have been diagnosed with in the past.  

There are a few people I’ve pushed away over the last few years that I truly regret pushing away.  The most recent was a transgender woman named Paige.  I also now regret pushing Holly and Stephanie away.  They had no malicious intent towards me, they were just out of their depth as far as helping me was concerned.  There are even people online who I regret pushing away or being rude to because I took something they said the wrong way.

I actually hope that some of the people I’ve pushed away get to read this.  While they may not forgive me, I hope they’ll understand why. But there are some that I would give my right leg to have another chance with.

I suggest watching the video on this page if you push people away or simply want to understand why some people engage in such behavior:

Pushing People Away, Yet Wanting Closeness | Abandonment & Being Hurt

While I can relate to the “why” part, I feel like fixing it is possibly beyond me, as it requires building of confidence and self-esteem.  I’ve never had either confidence or positive self-esteem.  But it is an issue I plan on raising with my therapist next time, if I remember that is.

Empowered by a visit to Social Security 

Today has been empowering. I’m sure most of you won’t think it was much of a big deal, but it was huge to me.  I went to Social Security ALONE and got the name change done. I gave off the impression of confidence and not only did no one mess with me or stare at me funny, but people were actually nice.  It’s all been taken care of, so now I just need to wait for my new Social Security card in the mail. I feel confident enough to go to the New York DMV alone and now I can start expanding my list of “safe places”. Of course, my new medication helped a lot. But this is all very empowering.  It means that I’d probably be able to face a job interview or face starting school.  I find hat life is easier when I just stop caring what people think of me and get on with it

Transition took away my ability to ‘fight back’ 


I look hideous, even more so than usual.   The left side of my ugly forehead is discolored and blotchy from all the bruises after I punched myself in the head repeatedly during my ‘breakdown’ last Friday.   I also cut the word ‘ugly’ into the underside of my left arm.  I look like I’ve been in a fight, only this was a fight with myself and my self-hatred.  My therapist tells me not to internalize my pain, but externalizing it would be more dangerous.  

As this blog is ^meant* to be a place of total honesty, I’ll admit that de-transition has been on my mind a lot lately.  I have been trying to think of ways that could possibly make it work:  The only way it could possibly work is if I were able to quite literally remove myself from the human race and spend the rest of my life existing as a hermit, with no human contact to remind me.  Going non-binary wouldn’t work because I don’t do compromises well and I’m female.   I would de-transition if I could, because being transgender is just another prison, equally as awful as the last one.  But when I think about de-transition, I feel nauseous at the thought of going back to being seen as male by everyone.   I remember how much I hated myself, but I still hate myself now, only it would probably be worse.
But I miss appearing ‘normal’ and just blending in. I miss the freedom I once had, whereby I could go wherever I wanted to go.    I still had severe anxiety, but I hid it well beneath my mask, even coming across as confident and assertive.  No one knew my weaknesses unless they knew me personally.

I generally won the battles that I fought.   I felt more confident taking individuals and organizations on, knowing that no one could hurt me, because no one had to know my weaknesses.  My decision to fight back after being both harassed and discriminated against by that security guard is that I need to prove to myself that I can still stand up for myself and win.   In taking legal action, I realize that I’m taking a huge risk. I face the anxiety of possibly having to go to court and speak in front of a judge and dozens of other people that I don’t know.    If I lose this battle, it’ll mean that no matter whether or not I live in a state or country with good anti-discrimination laws, individuals and organizations will get away with subjecting me to harassment and discrimination severe enough to place my mental health at risk.  That is a sobering thought and a scary prospect.   It means that the rest of my existence will be a case of either being forced to deal with abuse or continue to place the energy that I don’t have on battles that I’ll just lose anyway. If it’s allowed to happen at a place that is supposed to be “safe” for people in my situation, it will happen anywhere and I won’t have an entourage of care managers, therapists and support workers to protect me and advocate for me.

If I were to win this battle, I know that it would empower me and it’d make me feel like this isn’t as hopeless as I thought it was.  I’d be getting back a part of myself that I thought I’d lost and that would give me a lot of strength.    Losing will be devastating, both for me and for what I consider to be the bigger picture when it comes to protecting vulnerable people.

I don’t want a life of endless battles because of my gender identity and ugliness.   It’s too much to deal with on top of my mental health and situational issues.  

Finding a job as a transgender woman with mental health issues

It’s been a year and a half since I worked full time, with the exception of a few projects I worked on remotely for my former employer.  In fact, I have not worked since my first arrival back in the UK, which was in January 2015.  Not only that, but it’s been just over 12 years since I’ve even worked in the UK.  I was barely scraping by at my last job, often reprimanded for tardiness and not being social enough.

Since the only way I’ll ever be able to get the procedures done that I need doing on the NHS, I am left wih the sole option of paying privately.  I don’t expect my GoFundMe campaign to get anywhere, so it now depends on me not only finding a job and keeping it, but also finding a job that pays me above and beyond enough money to live on, in order for me to save up for the treatments that I need in order to feel comfortable in my own skin.

I have a lot going against me though.  I’m transgender and relatively visibly transgender, so there’s a need for me to disclose it on job applications, even if the law doesn’t require me to.  I feel that it’s best to be honest with employers, especially if they call me in for an interview expecting a cisgender female.  The UK has some pretty good anti-discrimination laws, but that won’t stop employers from turning me down, if they don’t like the look of me.  They’ll just give a bogus reason, such as I wasn’t qualified enough or they won’t give a reason at all.  I would feel far more confident going to interviews and talking on the phone if my voice sounded feminine, but without money I can’t afford voice feminisation surgery and without surgery, I’m stuck with a shitty male voice that gives me away so easily.

Then there’s the fact that I have both depression and anxiety and I’m extremely shy and socially awkward.  This caused problems in my last job, but my employer was relatively understanding and quite lenient, because I worked extremely hard.  But I’d been at that company for years and I cannot expect to find that in a new job, where the pressure will be on to make a good impression, especially during interview and during the first few weeks (assuming I got the job).  I can’t deal with phones at all because of my voice, which could be a huge problem, unless I find a job that doesn’t involve me using the phone much (or preferably, at all).  My depression is nowhere near being under control, as I still haven’t found the right medication.  I’ve also seeminhgly lost the support I had when I was living in Lancashire, as the servives haven’t been transferred.  I would need support both before interview and perhaps for the first few weeks of employment, as I’d be a nervous wreck otherwise.  I have also never been to an actual job interview as myself (Rebecca) and have no clue when it comes to dressing professionally.

The third thing going againsst me (in addition to being transgender and mentally ill) is that I have no formal qualifivcations beyond the GCSE ‘C’ grades I got in high school, which  left at 16 because I had litle encouragement to stay on and do A Levels. I’ve tried to go to college part time to study for accounting and IT qualifications, but I’ve failed every time.  I am useless at textbook learning and classrooms are not my thing, largely because of the social aspect and my poor attention span.  I learn by “doing”, but even that takes time.  I am not good at absorbing information.  So I’d have to hope that an employer would take my extensive work experience into account, albeit work experience gained in the United States and not here in the United Kingdom.  It doesn’t look good, as most employers seem to want degrees even for entry level positions.

I’ve applied for a few jobs online, just to test the water.  They were mostly low end accounting positions, such as AP roles.  Most jobs advertised online are through recruitment agencies now anyway, which causes even more stress as I’d have to be interviewed by the agency first.  Put it this way, I’ve chickened out of every interview I’ve had over the last year or so.  I was gutted that I had a major panic attack the morning I was supposed to be going for an interview with a really large company.  It would’ve been £32k a year, which is a decent salary.  But I couldn’t do it.  I was so anxious that I didn’t sleep the night before and had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had that morning, so I cancelled last minute.

So my only hope of paying for the procedures I need is to secure a relatively well paying and full time job.  I just feel like there’s far too many things going against me, especially when I’m going to be competing with people in their 20’s.  I need to find an accounting position, as there isn’t anything else I can do.  My anxiety is far too severe to work in retail or customer service.  I’m not good with my hands or strong enough to do warehouse-type work.  It seems very hopeless at the moment, but I am hoping that I’ll get some sort of help in terms of overcoming my fear of going to interviews.  I don’t want to be on benefits; I never did.

While I still feel so uncomfortable in my own skin and with a voice that doesn’t match my identity or appearance, I’ll never have much in the way of confidence.  But without confidence and with the level of anxiety I have, it will be very hard to find a job in order to save enough money to fix the problems that I have, in order to feel comfortable in my own skin and confident.  It’s a real catch 22 situation.