Becca the drama queen 

I have to go to Social Security again this afternoon and I’m dreading it.  My care manager will be with me, but it’s still going to be a scary experience.  They just want to see my permanent resident card, which would be fine if I’d received the new one, but the old one has my deadname on it and an old picture of what was once me.

I told one of the counselors at the treatment housing that I’m giving up as far as socializing goes.  As soon as I get my own wifi in my apartment, I’m going to be holed up in there most of the time.  I’ve had too much exposure to the outside world and it’s left me with nothing but more self-hatred and more dysphoria.

I didn’t go out last night at all to get online as I virtually always do.  I didn’t want to bump into E, or anyone else for that matter.   I took my meds early and fell asleep sometime just after 9pm. Before that, I got through 3 chapters of my book.

The diet is going well. It consists of an apple and coffee in the morning, a bowl of bran flakes for lunch and salad for dinner.  When I weighed myself yesterday, I was down to 173lbs.  I’m not starving myself, although I am avoiding protein for a while so that my arms can finish wasting away.  While I wish E hadn’t drawn attention to my arm muscle, I’m also glad because my arms are disgusting and I never really noticed before, since I was convinced they’d wasted away sufficiently. I can’t wear tank tops anymore or dresses with straps without a cardigan.  Hopefully more than halving my daily calories and cutting out all forms of protein will help me get rid of the ugliness.  Otherwise, I really am going to have to starve myself.  As for E, I’m avoiding her completely. Even if I tried to explain to her how she’s hurt me, I don’t think she would understand.  I should’ve elaborated more when I gave my food to her on Saturday, but she didn’t seem to care anyway.  She is too wrapped up in her own issues.

I made peace with Holly the other day.  I realized that she didn’t do anything to me maliciously. She was a good friend at one point.    It isn’t worth holding a grudge over, especially as she has her own problems to deal with.

I am giving up on meeting new people though.  It isn’t with the risk to my mental health and I’ve really only ever made friends online.  None of the residents in my apartment building seem like they could be potential friends.   Several of them have already managed to trigger me and I have a reputation of being rude, just because I don’t say hello.  I feel like people just see me as a freak and many of them hate me.   

If I can’t make friends, I still need help with going out.   I still haven’t been able to leave my comfort zone of the 4 ‘safe places’ that I have here in Rochester.   If I had a friend willing to go out with me, it would help enormously, but since that isn’t likely to happen, I’m rather stuck.  I want to go to school when he next semester starts, but I’m not sure how I’ll cope with being in a classroom or how I’ll even get there, given my fear of buses here.

I miss my mum, but I don’t know how to deal with what felt like her turning her back on me when I thought I’d never be able to get my name changed here.   She’s getting older and it pains me to think that I might never see her again.    I’ve got no plans to return to the UK and won’t be able to afford to visit until the day comes when I’m back on my feet and working.    I’m not one to hold grudges, but I am not willing to grovel to get her to speak to me again.   We are very different people, except for the fact that we are both stubborn and hard-headed and locked into a certain way of thinking.    Many arguments were started by me when I felt that I could never connect with her on an emotional level.  She’s great with practical stuff and being logical, whereas I am all about feelings and emotions.  Her husband is a good guy, but I remember the time he called me a “drama queen”.   Compared to the rest of my family, I can’t really disagree with him.    I hate to admit that part of me thrives on drama and it’s a huge character flaw of mine.   
Anyway, back to worrying about going to Social Security later.,..,

Weird couple of days

I’ve had a weird couple of days. I don’t even know where to begin though as far as writing about it goes.

The bad news: the name change saga is apparently far from over.   It still has to be changed at both the DMV and DSS.  We are going to the DMV tomorrow, but I fear they will refuse to misuse me a New York drivers license in my new name because I still haven’t had my permanent resident card back yet…and that could be months away.   This means that my health insurance details won’t be able to be changed either, meaning I have to continue to put offf seeing a dentist, podiatrist and ear, nose and throat specialist.  It means that I still won’t ne able to do many things without a state ID, including feeling like I actually live here.

I met a girl from PK Cupid earlier today.  She was also transgender and I liked her company.  I don’t think she liked me though and I’d be surprised if I hear from her again.  We met at the coffee shop and drove around in her car for a while before she dropped me back home.  It’s not a big deal.  I’ve already given up on the idea of finding love, so it’s no loss as my hopes weren’t raised in the first place.  

I miss my mum, the cats and my ex wife.   I’m grateful for the help that I get here, but I’m really missing the kind of connection with other people that I need.  E doesn’t hang out with me. anymore and she has started spending time with one of the men here that don’t like me.  They probably talk shit about me…I csn feel it.  None of the men here like me and some of them flat-out hate me and scare me.  I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before something bad happens.

My care manager seems to know what he’s doing when it comes to the DMV, so hopefully I’ll have some good news by tomorrow afternoon, rather than potentially awful news.  It’s going to be hot tomorrow, so I can finally wear one of the dresses I bought at the thrift store for warmer weather.  I still need more clothes, but I need someone to come shopping with me.  I can’t even face the buses here anymore.  But I need to look as feminine as possible for the DMV tomorrow as I fear being misgendered and deadnamed due to my old IDs. 

I gained back the 8lbs that I lost, so I need to cut back on eating.  I haven’t noticed any negative effects from stopping blockers after surgery.  My body definitely isn’t producing testosterone, because I would’ve felt it by now or even smelled differently.  I’m glad that I don’t have to take medication to stop that poison from further damaging my body, especially as I never finished “male” puberty and up until 4 years ago,  I was still very slowly developing until blockers put a stop to it.

Thinking of postponing a surgical procedure (deadname risk)

I’m kind of scared right now. I’m going into hospital for a surgical procedure on May 3rd.  I’m terrified of hospitals and surgery as it is, but I have something far greater than that to fear: my deadname.

The hospital changed their records when my care manager made them do it.  But that was oh the basis that my health insurance details had already been changed.  The problem is that they want me to bring my insurance card on the day of the surgery.   That insurance card still has my ugly deadname in it and I do NOT want anyone to see it.  I don’t even want to think about the possible things that could go wrong as far as my deadname is concerned.  I don’t want to go in for surgery and also have to worry about the deadname rearing its ugly head at a time when I’ll be extremely vulnerable, in a situation where I’ll be recovering from surgery and most likely in pain.

Even if the court order arrives before the date of surgery, there won’t be time for Social Security to send me my new card with my correct name.  And even if that were to happen, this would need to get relayed to my insurance company for them to send out a new insurance card.  With less than 2 weeks to go, that isn’t going to happen. I’ll be lucky to even get the court order within that time.

You probably don’t understand how dangerous that name is to my mental health as it’s probably my worst trigger.  But it’s such a big deal that I’m contemplating postponing the surgery until we can get everything changed.  I’m scared enough as it is by the prospect of going into hospital.  I really want the surgery, but I can’t deal with the deadname again and even the thought of what might happen is making me feel physically ill with worry and dread.

The pre-admission testing is on Friday morning.  I don’t know if I should just talk to my care manager and see it we can postpone it for 2-3 months or so, because it can wait and my health isn’t at risk.

I’ll talk to my care manager tomorrow when I see him.  This is a huge fucking problem.  Please don’t tell me “it’s just a name”.  

A positive end to the day 

Today ended on a good note. For one, I’ve been approved for a surgery next month that without going into it too much, will mean that I no longer have to use blockers. I was surprised at how quickly the hospital got hack to me.

I ended up going to an LGBT nutrition group at my clinic, though it wasn’t only for LGBT people. My care manager mentioned it and I thought I’d go as a show of support more than anything else. My diet is already good, as is my ability to manage and prepare food. But my input helped others in the group, 2 of whom thanked me. One of the attendees was a guy I’ve seen around the clinic many times and I always felt intimidated by him. When I walked in, he said that I looked beautiful, which caught me off guard. I guess he was just being nice, but it was unexpected. At least I’m not scared of him anymore.  The group was safe and well moderated in a controlled environment.  I’m not sure that I’m comfortable with going to any of the groups and activities here at the treatment housing community.  I don’t feel safe here, in fact a lot more people have moved in and some look legitimately threatening. 

I decided to go back on OK Cupid, as Tinder isn’t yielding much. The only problem with OK Cupid is that it’s easy for someone to send me abuse, whereas on Tinder they actually have to like my profile by swiping right before they can contact me. Of corse, the first line in my profile clearly states that I’m transgender, but of course people won’t read it and will turn on me when they realize what I am, as if I tricked them. I did get a message from a much older guy that I’ve spoken to on there before, but we never got around to meeting up. I think I would prefer someone older next time.

Tomorrow is grocery shopping day. I’m hoping to buy fruit and vegetables from the food truck that parks nearby, as it’s expensive to shop for produce in the supermarket.

The stupid weather has gone cold again.

The only real downer is that rowdy assholes have just moved into the apartment next door.   They’re shouting and playing rap music so loud that I can feel it.  Fortunately I don’t spend a whole lot of time in my living room / kitchen area unless I’m cooking or eating.   But now I’m going to have to be severely on guard whenever I leave my apartment, as I don’t want to run into them, ever.    

Hopefully I’ll know in 24 hours….

This time tomorrow, I’ll most likely know whether or not I have a future.  I hope the attorney will be able to tell me whether or not he can help me as far as getting the court order goes.  The uncertainty has become unbearable and it’s starting to affect me physically, from abdominal pain to tension headaches.

I managed to convince one of the staff at my building to come with me, as I was absolutely dreading going alone.  I’ve never met the attorney in person and I already feel intimidated and anxious.  If it’s bad news, I would rather have someone there, just in case I have a panic attack or I simply capitulate upon hearing bad news.

Today I have a review of my care plan with my care manager.  Perhaps I should’ve rescheduled it to after the appointment with the attorney, but it’s too late now.  I have no enthusiasm for anything right now and can’t think about anything else beyond getting the court order to change my ugly deadname.

The deadname has left me feeling more dysphoric than I’ve felt in a very long time.  When I look at my reflection in the mirror, it looks uglier than usual.  I’ve become ultra-sensitive as far as comments about my height are concerned.  This is one too many problems to deal with and if it can’t get resolved, my life is over.

Tuesday thoughts 

The attorney I was dealing with referred me to another who will hopefully be able to help me with the court order, even if it takes time.   As long as it CAN be done and we can get the ball rolling, I can stop the incessant worrying and can focus on other things I do want to stay here, if I can.  But the legal name change is absolutely essential.  The appointment is on Thursday afternoon, so I will hopefully know for sure one way or another.

I didn’t sleep well last night, but I had a dream involving being in a forest and pleading with a group of faeries to take me under their wing and protect me from whatever or whoever I was running from.  I got up at 3am, made coffee and resumed reading my book.

I read my book for several hours this morning before heading over to the clinic to use the internet, which is where I am now.  I immediately checked my email and was pleased to see 2 emails from my care manager about Thursday’s appointment with the attorney. I’m going to be super-anxious, but he is an expert on transgender law and has probably worked on dozens of court orders for transgender name changes.

Raising my hopes would be foolish, but I can try to start my life again, once my identity is safe, as it is in the UK. Otherwise,  I am still prepared to go back, despite my mother’s disapproval and cynicism over something she either cannot understand or refuses to understand.

My progesterone cycle starts tomorrow, which means more food cravings. It’s worth it, because it’s pushed me up a cup size.  As for food. I’ve been trying to eat as cheaply and as healthy as possible. I’ve given up meat completely. I use various types of beans in dishes that  I make and I eat 2 eggs a day and salad vegetables.  I eat only brown I ice and wheat bread and usually 2 apples a day.  The only reasons that I eat healthy is because 1) I don’t want to gain weight as well as being tall and 2) when I eat crap food, it affects both m skin and my mental health.  Besides, eating crap because I don’t want to live is pointless, because it would take years or even decades to kill me. For the same reasons, I don’t drink alcohol.

The calm before the winter storm

The clocks going forward has normalized my sleep pattern by one hour.  I actually struggled to get up this morning in time for therapy at 9am.

In therapy, I mainly discussed how worried I am that I might still need to go to court to finish the legal name change process.  My care manager said that he’d take me next Monday morning; the same day that I have to go to hospital for an ultrasound.  That day is going to be stressful.

I walked to Dollar General to buy conditioner, eyeliner, a few groceries and a charger cable for my (inactive) iPhone 5.  I hadn’t used my iPhone for 5 weeks, since the old cable broke.  It was freezing cold when I went out, maybe 18 degrees or so.  But there wasn’t any wind and the sun was out, so it didn’t feel too bad.  I’m glad that I ‘managed to go out, because a winter storm is hitting overnight and is expected to last until Wednesday, bringing up to 17 inches of snow.  Hopefully I’ll still be able to walk over to the clinic to use the wifi, or I’ll be cut off and stuck indoors.

Snow expected to hit Rochester area over next few days

I deleted Tinder, finally. I decided that T was just wasting my time and he had no intention of seeing me again. I don’t need more internet friends, especially as I can’t even get on the internet as often as I’d like to.   I wish I had a friend here, at least.   Given my ugliness and self-hatred, finding a man is unrealistic. 

S (my ex-wife) contacted me last week and I almost got to speak to her on the phone, after a few email exchanges.  But not having phone or Internet access at home caused me to miss my opportunity.  She has not replied since Friday last week, although she said she considers me “family” and that she never stopped loving me as a friend.  Maybe she had second thoughts about keeping in touch with me, or maybe she’s just busy.    I don’t think I’ll hear from her again though. I really wanted to talk to her on the phone too.  She’s the only person on earth that I would put my phone anxiety and hatred of my voice aside for.  I still consider her to be my soulmate and the only true love I’ll find in this life.  And the sooner this life is over, the better.