Up until January last year, I managed to hold down a job and I was at least somewhat functional. Prior to that, I’d actually become relatively tough when dealing with certain issues.
As many of you will know, I was bullied and picked on for many years as a child and teenager (this is where I get my low self esteem from and fear of children and teenagers). It took me until my early-mid 20’s to toughen up and start to feel like I could be free to go wherever I want. In fact, I don’t recall an incident of anyone ever messing with me, but that changed when I started transition.
Even after I was devastated by my wife telling me our relationship was over and finding out about me being transgender, I still managed to single-handedly move us all (me, my partner, cats and furniture) from South Florida to Massachusetts. Despite not knowing the area, I found us a place to live and a job.
When I was as young as 13, I used to cross London on my own on the way to see my grandad in Kent. I didn’t even sweat it and this was back in the days when there was no GPS or internet to guide you.
…..then I look at what I’ve become and it depresses the shit out of me.
I don’t work. I haven’t worked since the beginning of January 2015, when I made the mistake of leaving a good job, despite most people there hating me. I have gone from one bad situation to another. And from being someone who went out a lot, I don’t go out much at all, unless it’s to the store for groceries or to the clinic. Even those things cause me a massive amount of stress and can totally drain me
My depression and anxiety have worsened, despite trying so many pills and attending therapy regularly. As I’ve got older, I’ve also sterted to feel like I belong even leas, because my generation is no longer valid. My hope has all but gone and as I’ve got older, I’ve become more disgusted by my reflection and with my body in general.
I’ve lost everything: my soulmate, my job, my car, my cats, my pride, my dignity and my anonimity. I don’t want to go back to being male, but I miss not being anywhere near as terrified of life and of people as I am now. I wish I could just blend in and not be noticed. Nobody noticed my height when I was living as a male and few people commented on it.
To add insult to injury, people (even some friends) treat me like a child that has no wisdom or life experience. Even people younger than me treat me this way. It is such a colossal loss of dignity to go from being strong, brave and independent to being treated as an unstable and helpless little girl, incapable of making her own decisions. While I would love to be able to relive my entire childhood as my true self, I’m not keen on being trreated that way at this age and at this stage in my life.
While I’ve had several relatioshiops since I started transition, many people have treated me as a piece of meat, used then cast aside and even sexually assaulted while drunk last year. It has been a dehumanizing experience, to say the least. It has left me even more ‘damaged’ than I was before.
Several recent incidents of real life and online harassment and abuse have caused more scarring and have reopened old wounds that I had largely been able to close prior to transition. The most recent incidents I managed to document as blog entries:
Harassed again (difficulty using buses)
Had these incidents happened 5 years or more ago, let’s just say that the outcome would’ve been very different, as I would’ve retailiated. No one would’ve got away with re-opening old wounds or embarrassing me like that and I would’ve taken care of it, dignity intact.
I have tried so hard to find it, but that spark that helped me claw myself out of bad situations is long gone. I can’t lift myself out of this never ending low. I feel like part of me died when my wife and I broke up, even though (transgender or not) we were probably doomed from the start due to our mental health issues and dependence on self-medicating.
I know I need to end my life. I just wish I had the guts to do it, as opposed to continuing this leech-like existence of pain and dysphoria. But I would give anything to get my resilience back. At least I’d be able to work and drive again and could possibly tolerate life for a few more years, as I’d be able to ‘buy’ safety and could pay for badly needed transitional procedures to reduce my dysphoria.
Anyway, I’m done writing for today. I’ll leave you with my favorite Alice In Chains song “Nutshell”, which I have always identified with: