Pushing people away and sabotaging potential friendships and romantic relationships 

Although I’ve been unable to break the cycle as far as pushing people away and sabotaging potential connections go, I’m aware that I do it.  I do it because I find it so hard to trust and to let people in. CI’ve also done it to remove myself as a burden to that person.  It is a common trait associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which I have been diagnosed with in the past.  

There are a few people I’ve pushed away over the last few years that I truly regret pushing away.  The most recent was a transgender woman named Paige.  I also now regret pushing Holly and Stephanie away.  They had no malicious intent towards me, they were just out of their depth as far as helping me was concerned.  There are even people online who I regret pushing away or being rude to because I took something they said the wrong way.

I actually hope that some of the people I’ve pushed away get to read this.  While they may not forgive me, I hope they’ll understand why. But there are some that I would give my right leg to have another chance with.

I suggest watching the video on this page if you push people away or simply want to understand why some people engage in such behavior:

Pushing People Away, Yet Wanting Closeness | Abandonment & Being Hurt

While I can relate to the “why” part, I feel like fixing it is possibly beyond me, as it requires building of confidence and self-esteem.  I’ve never had either confidence or positive self-esteem.  But it is an issue I plan on raising with my therapist next time, if I remember that is.

BPD, forgiveness and overreacting 

I slept for 9 hours straight last night, which is the longest I’ve slept in a while.  Mind you, I did t sleep a all the previous night, due to my racing mind.  I had a dream about being in some sort of Tolkien-esque  world of castles and enormous mountains.  I wish that I could’ve just stayed there.  

I didn’t manage to go out yesterday due to my anxiety.  Going out today is highly unlikely, due to it being the weekend (weekends = more people).  I have enough food until tomorrow night, but I really do need to leave this room for a while, as these four walls keep closing in on me.

I made peace with the trans-guy friend I fell out with the other day, when something that he said triggered me.  When I re-read what he wrote and talked to a friend about it, I realized that I’d overreacted and that I took what he’d said totally the wrong way.  He’s actually really nice and he has BPD too, so he understands why I reached the way that I did.

I talked to my best friend yesterday about how I’m prone to overreaching and taking things completely the wrong way.  She said she’d be willing to help me determine whether I’m overreacting or not, before I confront the individual (or individuals).  It is a BPD trait and one that I wish that I could rid myself of, as it has ruined many existing and potential connections with people that I so badly need now.

I need to be more forgiving of people, but I don’t know how to go about that.  There are people that I simply cannot forgive right now, due to the damage they’ve caused to my already damaged mental health and because of the living situation I now find myself in.  I’ve been told that I should forgive myself first, but I can’t even do that.  It’s also my fault that I’m in this situation and no one forced me to trust and depend on certain people (in fact, I was advised against doing so).  I’m even more to blame than they are, for ultimately fucking up my life with the poor choices I’ve made with regard to people.  But forgiveness has to be earned and I haven’t even come close to earning or deserving my own forgiveness. 

When you don’t fit in, even among others with similar issues 

I had to leave a BPD supper group on Facebook earlier today.  I posted something there this morning about my frustrations with the transgender and wider LGBT community and how that has impacted my BPD and mental health.

At first, the responses were good. But then people started doing exactly what I’d asked them NOT to do – they started talking about acceptance and making assumptions that my life must be difficult because I’m transgender. And I got the usual “keep being you” pat on the back, which is insulting and invalidating, just like being told that I’m brave.

Unfortunately, there were members of the LGBT community in the group, including transgender people.  As I grew increasingly frustrated that no one was listening to what I was saying, the swarming attacks began. I was called rude, told to leave the group by people who weren’t even moderators and told to move to Russia by a lesbian (lesbians and gay men are often extremely biphobic and transphobic, from experience).

I got upset and lost it.  A couple of people from the group messaged me afterwards and just validated my insecurities pertaining to how ugly I am.

I feel like nobody on earth understands me or my point of view.  People see the transgender community as a place of vulnerable people that would never hurt a fly, but I’ve had so many bad experiences with transgender people across the spectrum since I finally came out in June 2013 and started seeking support.  I got absolutely nothing in terms of support when I needed it during my first 2 years of transition, especially.  The transgender individuals I met all hurt me, whether it was intentional or unintentional.

I thought I’d found a degree of solace in that group, until I made the mistake of discussing my problems with the transgender and LGBT community. Of course people will get offended by that or will misconstrue it as hate-based transphobia when it is more of a fear of transgender people and resentment for the way I’ve been treated.  I wish I’d have remained stealth in that group, because it was a place to discuss BPD Issues and I could relate to many of the people there.

I’m always held to much higher standards than others when it comes to how I behave. BPD, PTSD and the transgender curse are a bad combination.  People don’t get that I don’t want to talk about transition.  I’m not interested in transgender groups or transgender friends. I wish people would stop pushing it on me every time I express how lonely and worthless I feel.  Unfortunately, when so many people in a particular group hurt you (intentionally or not), you’re going to start fearing that group and wanting nothing to do with them.  If you want to accuse me of internalized transphobia, I won’t argue with you, but it’s borne out of fear for my own mental health and wanting to avoid my biggest trigger, not hatred.

I’m fed up with not fitting in anywhere.   I don’t like feeling marginalized and socially isolated. I can no longer chalk it down to bad luck that I’ve never been able to find solace in the LGBT community or among other people with mental illnesses.  I accept that it’s me; I’m broken, ugly and have nothing to offer as a friend or anything more.  It’s less to do with being transgender and more to do with being defective and unworthy of anything more than words on a screen.  All the therapy and all the medication in the world will never help me fit in, when I’m obviously so defective and physically repulsive to people. Spending the holidays completely isolated was a wake up call: welcome to the rest of your life.

It is human nature to need to fit in.  Those who claim otherwise have probably never been marginalized or faced prolonged social isolation and loneliness.   Those who glorify being diffewnt are almost certainly people who have a choice and a degree of privilege.  

#ThereIsNoHelp #TransButNotProud