Woken up by the psychopath living in the apartment below me 

I did manage to go to the grocery store on the bus against last night. I took 3 of my anti-anxiety meds (3 is the maximum daily dose).    Nothing bad happened to me and no one even looked at me. I was in an out of there by 10pm and managed to get the slightly earlier bus back.  I was a little intimidated by the people waiting at the bus stop, so I kept my distance until the bus arrived. I am now semi-comfortable with grocery shopping at that time, even on weekends.  It is a perfect time to shop in many respects.  I walk home in darkness, so I’m invisible to the world anyway.

I’m absolutely staying in this weekend, now that I’ve got enough food to last me well into next week.  I *may* try to go to a coffee shop I’ve never been to before called Java’s on Sunday morning. It’s only 20 minutes walk from here and I think I can do it.  The nerve-racking thing will be having to ask for a coffee the first rime, with them never having seen me before or heard my awful male-sounding voice.  But if they don’t misgender me and If the other patrons there seem generally harmless, it can hopefully become another safe place and another stretch where I feel at least semi-comfortable walking up and down. In fact; I’m going to come up with a list of places that I can try to go alone, so that I’m only asking for help for the places that I absolutely can’t go to alone (such as joining the local library).

My body seems to be returning to normal.  My hair doesn’t feel as oily and my skin doesn’t feel as irritated, plus I’ve gained a little weight.    I have a feeling that the final ‘dump’ of the body’s testosterone reserves after my orchiectomy cause the problems I’ve been experiencing.  I have suggested that having lower than usual estrogen levels on the last 2 counts may be partly to blame for my worsening anxiety over the last 10 months or so. I am going to ask about switching to shots or to a different brand of estrogen pills, but maintain the same dosage and see what happens. My psychiatrist has switched me from Buspirone to Propranolol, which I’m sure I’ve tried before.  None of these medications seem to do much for my anxiety, which is one of the reasons why I no longer wish to force myself to socialize.

The psychopath resistant living in the apartment below me is making a shit-ton of noise again, slamming doors and shouting. I’m not sure that complaining would do any good and it may cause me additional problems living here, which frankly, I don’t need. I don’t engage with anyone in this building except for some of the staff.    I often wonder if I’d be better off in just a roommate type situation in a smaller building. I feel like my issue and needs are different to the other residents here and are unlikely to get met.  For now, I’m just treating it as stable and affordable accommodation.

I do have to walk over to the pharmacy at the clinic to get my new meds and order the repeat prescriptions I need.  I’m probably just go in my PJs as it’s unlikely there will be many people around. Then I’m going to come back here and just immerse myself in YouTube and tune out the world.

The situation at the apartment below me seems to be escalating into a full-blown argument.  The guy keeps shouting at what must be his girlfriend, then I hear banging.  It’s not even 5:30am, but if I feel concerned about her safety I will go downstairs and report it.

Adrift and lost 

I want to be as functional as I can be, which includes going to school, working again and having friends.  But I’ve no idea how to get to that point.  I know there’s help, but I don’t know what kind of help would help me and I don’t know how to ask for it.  But I can’t continue adrift and lost like this. It is a pointless and meaningless existence and I’m a burden.  I feel like I’ve tried every medication there is and talking about it hasn’t got me anywhere.

It’s not that I don’t want to get better; I just don’t know how to.  

Possible reasons why my anxiety has worsened significantly

I believe these are either all or most of the reasons why my anxiety has worsened significantly over the last few months:

  1. Living alone: I’ve noticed a pattern in my life that whenever I’ve had to live alone, I’ve become more detached from the world and more agoraphobic. For the vast majority of my life, I’ve lived with parents, friends, partners or roommates. Whenever I’ve had to live alone, it’s always ended badly. I need a friend-roommate type living arrangement.
  2. Drop in estrogen levels: For whatever reason, my estrogen levels have dropped to the 150’s since I’ve been here. My usual levels were in the 500-700 range. I am on the same dosage, but a different brand from the one I was taking in the UK. I’m wondering if the drop correlates with my anxiety getting worse.
  3. Orchiectomy: My last lab results showed higher than usual testosterone levels post-orchiectomy. Since starting HRT, my levels have been untraceable to 10-15. At the last count, it was 150-something. Apparently this is normal as it’s a “dump” of whatever testosterone was in my system, but the effect on my mental health has been drastic, plus my body just feels different (not in s good way).
  4. Bad experiences in Rochester: A lot of bad things have happened to me since I arrived here almost a year ago. This includes harassment, losing friends, money issues, social isolation and unwanted approaches and other intrusions. As a result, I am overly afraid of people here.
  5. Change in psych medication: There’s a possibility that the medication I’m on now versus a year ago is not only not helping me, but is actually making my symptoms worse. I need to get off Seroquel, because I know that it’s working against me, even though it puts me to sleep.
  6. Worsening dysphoria: the harassment, rejection, social isolation and comments from others has made matters worse as far as my dysphoria is concerned. And dysphoria is a catalyst for depression, self-hatred and the kind ld anxiety that makes me unable to leave my apartment.

Crippling anxiety 

I can’t really go into the good thing that happened to me and it’s mot something I really need to discuss. I still can’t believe it happened though.

What I do want to discuss is the fact that socializing is beyond me right now. Making friends and dating is simply not going to happen. While I can’t accept loneliness, I can accept being alone, because the alternative is much much worse. I don’t fully understand why my anxiety has worsened so much over the last year especially. But what I do know is that exposure to the outside world is hurting me right now, although there has been an exception, which I’ll explain later in this blog entry.

Even being at the clinic is too much for me right now. I was there earlier and I felt awful and became overloaded and overwhelmed. It took me a vast amount of strength to even get dressed and leave my apartment. Another patient there started talking to me because she liked my accent. She was really nice and had I been in a better frame of mind and not imploding inside, I would Jane asked her for her email address so we could keep in touch. Her boyfriend was also British and I liked listening to her, but I had to bolt.  I felt when more disgusting than when I arrived due to nervous sweating, so bad that it probably looked like I’d just ran a marathon.  

I was supposed to be going to a transgender focus meeting at 6, but I bottled out of that too. I feel bad, because at least 2 people wanted my presence there, one of whom runs a local trans group and is a very good person. I couldn’t have coped with a group situation, never mind a group of transwomen who are probably not ugly like me. That is a situation that would have worsened my anxiety and most likely would’ve added more dysphoria to the already shitload of dysphoria that I’m dealing with (or rather not dealing with) right now.

I honestly wish that the incident with the security guard a few weeks ago hadn’t have happened. Going out at all has become much more difficult because of my poor self image and heightened fear of people. If that can happen in a “safe place”, then nowhere here is safe.

I have met one person here who I would definitely be friends with if a friendship develops. We met on OK Cupid before I deleted my account. She’s also trans and extremely intelligent and insightful. I wish I had her attitude. Side doesn’t care about wanting to be normal or fitting in. I wish there were more people like her here especially.

I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and I’ll focus on discussing my anxiety with him. I need a change in medication or a miracle. This isn’t just a bit of social anxiety and shyness – it’s crippling and has only been getting worse. Forcing myself out and being around people is just hurting me, but I suspect that hiding in my apartment is hurting me too.

I feel disgusting, scared and dysphoric 

I’ve been in a major funk since I woke up at 2am. I did manage to leave my apartment, albeit just to take out the trash.  Where I differ from many other people who struggle work mental illness is that I have never had a problem maintaining cleanliness. Unfortunately that makes me look more functional, which works against me.

My dysphoria is as he as its ever been at any point in my life. I’ve been on a downward slide as far as dysphoria is concerned since the security guard harassed and misgendered me over 6 weeks ago.  Also, I believe my hormone levels are still off post-orchiectomy.  At my last count 2 weeks ago, my testosterone level was 150-something – higher than it’s been since I started blockers back in August 2013.  The nurse practitioner said it’s perfectly normal after such a procedure and that it’ll disappear from my bloodstream.  However, I feel disgusting. My hair feels greasy even though I wash it daily. I smell different and my depression is becoming quite the monster.   I started taking the locker again, but my body isn’t producing testosterone, but why do I feel so nasty?  How long is it supposed to take to pass through my system? This is stressing me out so badly and just adding to my dysphoria.  My anxiety is severe and I’m hyper-sensitive to sound and light.  I feel like it has to be that poison….testosterone.  

I can’t fade going to the transgender group tomorrow – not in this frame of mind. I wish I knew what was going on with my body.  I don’t feel well at all. I wish I had a friend here or just someone I could go to. But loneliness is a lesser worry right now.

I’m going to have to do what I haven’t done for over 14 years because there’s simply no other way.      I don’t want to think or feel anymore.  

The pathetic ramblings of an ugly-ass freak 

I don’t know wheee to begin, so I’ll start by saying “I don’t know where to begin”….

I saw my therapist today and I expressed that I wanted to get everyone ok the same page as far as my needs are concerned. I need help getting out in the community, as I’m stagnant at the moment and if anything, I’m getting worse.

For some reason, DHS decided to deactivate the new EBT card that they only just sent me last week and are sending a new one.  The problem is I’m now unable to use my food stamps and I’m going to struggle until the new card arrives.  I’m not eating much at the moment anyway and this is essentially giving me an excuse to sink into full blown anorexia.

I’m supposed to be meeting someone tomorrow who replied to my (desperate) ad I placed in the Craigslist personals “missed connections” section.  He isn’t a missed connection, just someone that replied and wants to meet me. I’m sure he won’t like me in person, just like everyone else.    I look uglier in person than I do in pictures and my nasty male sounding voice would be enough to put anyone off.  I realize it’s a massive risk, but my self-esteem is so non-existent anyway that there’s little left to break.

I don’t think I can go any further with the complaint I filed with the New York Division of Human Rights against the security guard that harassed me, twice.  It’s the landlord of the building that I’ve filed a complaint against and their rebuttals are hurting me as far as my gender identity is concerned and they clearly have legal representation.   I didn’t even read the letter I received from them today, because I know it would trigger me to do so.  They claim they had no way of knowing my “preferred pronouns” and that I wasn’t presenting female, which is a lie.  They also claim that the security guard had not spoken to me before the second time he harassed me for “loitering” which is also a lie (first incident of harassment).  It’s too much for me to deal with right now and I’m not strong enough to risk being hit by the tidal wave of dysphoria that pursuing the complaint will most likely subject me to.  I’m extremely upset that others have witnessed this particular guard harassing other people and have told me he’s an asshole, but no one is willing to put their name to it in the form of a statement that might help my cause greatly.   I hate the fact that being transgender gives people a deadly weapon against me and has robbed me of my ability to fight.

I feel so disgusting and ugly, even more so than usual.    I’m paranoid that my testosterone count is still higher than it should be, or that my body is somehow still producing it despite having an orchiectomy and despite having prior counts done that were either extremely low or untraceable as far as the poison is concerned.

I weighed myself at the clinic and I’m still at 161lbs.  I was hoping that I’d stopped a few more pounds,,but being the fat ugly giant freak that I am, I’ve gained instead.  Since I’m unable to boy any any food, I should lose quite a few pounds over the next few days.  My arms are still fucking ugly and I still see muscle that should not be there.

I’m sure M (my missed connection from last summer) has had second thoughts about meeting me in person.  I haven’t heard from her and I don’t expect to. Maybe she just pitied me, which is what people do to me a lot.  She’s far too intelligent and far too attractive to lower herself to associate with someone as pathetic and as ugly as me.  I enjoyed the online interaction with her and I’m glad that I at least got the chance to apologize to her for being so fucking socially awkward when she approached me at the Wegmans supermarket last summer.  She’s too good for me, either as a friend or a potential girlfriend.

I cleaned my apartment this evening mainly out of boredom and just in case the guy I’m meeting tomorrow doesn’t hate me in person and wants to see my place.

I’m tired of being a prisoner.   I can only go certain places at certain times.  I wish there was support and solace in the transgender community, but every time I reach out to it, it just causes me too much pain and dysphoria.  I felt like the ugliest person at the transgender group I went to on Monday.  The support worker who took me is eager for me to go back next Monday.  I would only go for the sake of making a friend, but I doubt anyone there would want to be friends with me and I’d just embarrass myself if I tried to reach out.

More rejection to come tomorrow….it’s so great to be me!

Failed in my mission to join the library 

I set a goal for myself to go and join the library today, but I failed as expected. I walked over there done, hater blockers (sunglasses) on and hater sound blockers (earphones) lodged into my ear drums. But when I got to the library, it suddenly became completely overwhelming and I had no idea where to go. I didn’t feel up to using my wretched male sounding voice to ask anyone, so I left.

All I can say is that I managed to walk there alone. One of my support workers said she’d come with me on Monday so I can get a library card. I hate how useless and incapable I’ve become of doing what should be seemingly simple things. I wanted to join the library today so I could borrow some books for the weekend.

I walked back and got back jest in time to buy some cheap produce from the curbside market van. I saved a fair bit of money and they gave me a $5 voucher to use for next time.

I dropped off my produce and decided to walk over to Boulder Cafe, which is where I am now. It’s mostly empty and I’m probably going to chill here for a while. It’s a shame I didn’t manage to get any new reading material, because the ambience in here is perfect for reading a book.

I had a mini-meltdown this morning when Tinder suspended my account and I lost M’s details. Thankfully, it must’ve just been a glitch, because the account is fine now.

I have therapy tomorrow afternoon, which is much needed. I need everyone to get on the same page so that I can get the help I need to get out in the community more, because I’m tired of existing as an invisible recluse. I’m 50/50 on whether or not to go back to the transgender group on Monday, but apparently my presence was welcomed there and one of them could be a potential friend.