The freak in the coffee shop 

The coffee shop is virtually empty, which I’m glad of.   I found a comfortable couch with sufficient light to read my book and socket nearby to keep my inactive / wifi only phone charged.  I don’t know what I’d do without this place. It’s the only place in Rochester where I feel both safe and somewhat normal….just another patron reading her book or playing with her phone.   I am the only loner though, as always.  I don’t get the impression that any of the “normal” people here would ever want to start a conversation with a freak like me.  But I’m not in my “cut off” apartment and I’m safe. I’ll stay here as long as I can, until it gets busy. It is Memorial Day weekend and o figured that most people would be out, making the most of the 3 day weekend and the nice weather.


But I’m lonely….lonely and wishing that I could be like them: normal, cisgender, a part of society and with friendship and love in their lives.

But I’m a freak….a freak about to humiliatingly lose a discrimination case.   I have nothing to look forward to and no one to spend any time with.  This is just marginally better than being holed up in my apartment.

Reasons why I cannot be in a relationship, despite longing for one…

As much as I want a relationship, I am incapable of being with anyone because:

  1. I hate myself.
  2. I’m ugly.
  3. I’d never be comfortable being naked or even semi-naked with someone.
  4. I don’t like sex because I have a very low libido and I hate what’s between my legs.
  5. I don’t even like kissing.
  6. I have too many insecurities which often lead to jealousy.
  7. I sabotage relationships as a form of self-harm.
  8. I’m not romantic at all.
  9. I failed to make any of my previous partners feel loved.
  10. Sometimes I just want to be left alone.
  11. None of my previous partners could handle my depression.
  12. I can’t trust people.
  13. I ruin people’s lives.
  14. There’s a very strong likelihood that I’ll end up taking my own life, so it would be selfish to put someone through that.
  15. I still love my ex-wife and I cannot imagine anyone coming close to replacing her.  

Fuck it….I’m better off alone.

Facing the very likely prospect of losing my health insurance and healthcare 

I’m trying to be strong in facing the very real prospect that I may lose my healthcare, but it isn’t working.  I had to take 5 Seroquel just to fall asleep.  I had a dream in which I was in Paris and trying to find S, because she was in trouble.  I woke up in tears.

Trump’s healthcare bill probably won’t pass the Senate, but knowing my (awful) luck, it will.  When I lose my health insurance then my healthcare, the only prescription I’ll be able to pay for is my estrogen.  Having just had an orchiectomy, I don’t need to take blockers anymore and I can live without progesterone.  I’ll cut down from 8mg a day to 4mg a day of estrogen, which I should be able to pay for out of pocket, though I won’t be able to afford internet access at home.  Because I’ve had the orchiectomy done and I’ve got the court order to change my name, Trump can’t ruin my transition unless I’m forced to use my old name and tied down and forced to take testosterone shots.

But even though my transition is relatively safe, I’m still in big trouble…

I take 4 different psych meds, 2 of which I know have been having positive effects.  I would most likely have to go cold turkey on all of them. I see a therapist once a week and I’d imagine that won’t be possible anymore.  I will lose all of the help and advocacy I get through care management too, because that is also currently covered by Medicaid.    I may even lose the limited support that I get at my treatment housing.

What terrifies me is that I’m going to be completely “on my own”.   I have no family or friends in this city or even in this state.  I can barely do anything on my own in the outside world here beyond what I’m doing now (and even that is often too much).  I will have to go to so many potentially triggering and even unsafe places on my own and I don’t see how that will even be possible.  I’ve had too many bad experiences in this city as it is, even when here have been people literally holding my hand to support me.    I will be reliant on the bus system here, which I’ve barely been able to use, except for one route and only at certain times.

A friend online told me I should “prepare for the worst” and contact my family in the UK to help me make plans to leave, if the healthcare bill passes.  In the past, my online friends had been urging me to stay despite the election result, but now the same friends are completely silent.  I stopped talking to my mum last month, because she wouldn’t help me return to the UK before when it looked unlikely that I’d be able to change my legal name. I certainty can’t ask her, because I already know the answer.  As for my dad, he thinks that I only contact him when I need money, so I can’t contact him either.  I’m sure both of my parents are aware of what’s happening in the news here in the US and they must know that the healthcare bill will be devastating for me and countless others like me, if it becomes law.  I have no other family in the UK. I have a friend that said she’s willing to let me stay with her and her husband.   However, I don’t have enough money to pay for the cost of getting there or supporting myself for long enough until I can find a job that I can do or be eligible for public assistance, which I’d have to wait 3 months for due to ‘habitual residency’ rules.  I’m in deep shit this time though and it isn’t just me ‘over thinking’.  This could become law and it could happen very quickly.   I can almost hear my family say “Well, you chose to go back to America“.   If they’re even thinking about it having seen the news, I’m pretty sure that’s what they’d still say to me, but I already know that I fucked up and that it was a terrible decision on my part.  Because despite the help I’ve received, I’ve had so many bad experiences since I arrived last July, including losing the friend that encouraged me to come back to Rochester in the first place.   I didn’t think that it would all turn to shit less than a year later.   The only major ‘positive’ is that I got the orchiectomy and I got my name changed.   I’d never have got an orchiectomy on the British NHS.  I would’ve had to wait 2-3 years for SRS before my body would no longer be producing testosterone.    I still want full SRS, but there is no longer any urgency.   

Even if I could return to the UK tomorrow, it would be heartbreaking, given the fact that I’ve gone through so much and have finally got a court order to change my name and begin my life.    I had even started to consider this city and this state as my home, despite not having any friends or family here.  But I don’t see how I’d be able to stay if the rug gets pulled from underneath me. I recall writing something a few weeks ago along the lines of “If you were to remove all of the care that I receive, I’d be completely and utterly alone”.  Now that seems like a very real and very terrifying prospect, in a city where I’ve had many bad experiences and no friends or acquaintances.  Let’s be honest, I won’t last 2 seconds.  If I had an idea of when the axe will fall on my healthcare and care, perhaps I could work with my care manager and therapist to “prepare”, if there was enough time (months rather than weeks).  I want to find a job that I can do and work, but who is going to hire me and how will I get to and cope with interviews?   If I had family or friends here, this wouldn’t be quite as scary, but I don’t.   I will become completely socially isolated and unable to cope with the loneliness and absence of support.  

Even if the healthcare bill doesn’t pass the Senate, they’ll tinker with it enough for it to become law next time around, which is what happened with Obamacare.     It may be less ‘brutal’ when it gets watered down, but I’m pretty sure it will still hurt transgender people.   I don’t understand why the most vulnerable people are being targeted at all, but it’s almost sadistic and it’s totally unnecessary.  

Stop TrumpCare in the Senate – National Centrt for Transgender Equality

But just as before, I’m willing to take my own life, if it comes to that.  I already have a plan – the same plan that I’ve had in my head for the last few months.  I’m far more afraid of continuing life than I am of death.  Perhaps it’s time; it’s not as if I’m happy with my life or body and it’s not as if I have anything or anyone to lose.  My prospects don’t look good, even if I don’t lose my healthcare.  Not only am I hated by society and marginalized from it, but those in power want to destroy me and countless others like me who are part of the LGBT community and / or mentally ill.  I wish they’d just put a bullet in my head and put me out of my misery, rather than subject me to more pain, which will force me to take my own life.   I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one willing to die over this.  I wish those people would let me know that they exist, rather than people who either blindly tell me to carry on or those who are enjoying watching me suffer.  

Ugly, bloated and lonely 

** TRIGGER WARNING  ** 

I feel ugly, bloated and huge.  Food is beginning to disgust me again, like it did a few years ago when I’d purposely try to starve myself.  I was living with S at the time though and she knew that I wasn’t eating and it upset her. I  sometimes went days without eating, but that’s all I could get away with. I’m just as disgusted with my body as I was then, only now I don’t have to worry about anyone worrying about me.   I want the remaining muscle in my shoulders and arms to waste away.   I want my ugly bloated belly to disappear. I want to be able to see my ribcage.  If I weren’t so tall, I wouldn’t be as concerned.  But when I had to wear my ugly coat yesterday because it was cold, I looked like a monster.   I’m not going to subject myself to shock starvation, but I have to do this.   I don’t want to nourish this disgusting ugly body so that it can get bigger and uglier.
I have to go to therapy this afternoon. I’m not sure what to talk about, as I feel like a broken record. Loneliness, anxiety, self-hatred, dysphoria,my inability to connect with others, depression and suicidal ideation are problems that won’t go away.  There’s nothing that he can do but listen.

I finished reading Safe Haven last night.  The ending brought me to tears, then I started thinking about missing S and how I’ll never find love, so the tears didn’t stop.  I’d gone to read in the common room and I couldn’t leave there until I had stopped crying.  I couldn’t face going back to my apartment, so I sat on one of the benches in the lobby and buried my ugly head in my hands.  I started crying again and my ugly nose started running, which made me more embarrassed than crying did.   I went to one of the bathrooms on the first floor and saw my ugly reflection in the mirror.  Eyeliner had streaked down my ugly face on both sides from crying so much.   I wiped it off and ran back to my apartment.   I’m pretty sure someone saw how awful I looked.

I just wish that I had someone. I hate the feeling of crying alone, with no one there to comfort me.  Sometimes I quite literally can’t stop crying when I’m alone and it’s a horrible feeling.  The pain doesn’t go away and I’ve cried myself to sleep many times, waking up feeling dreadful the next morning.

My life has turned out to be worse than I’d ever imagined as a child and teenager.   I knew that finding love would be difficult, but I didn’t think that I’d end up without it. I didn’t think I’d end up with no friends, unemployed and I never thought I would give in to my gender identity, because I knew it would make life impossible.   I knew from a very early age that an ugly boy could never be a girl.   I was aware of it, but all I wanted to he was normal.  I wanted to he like my parents and like other parents.

The only good thing that has ever happened to me was meeting S.  I don’t know how or why she fell in love with me, but I trusted her and I trusted myself to just go with it.  She gave me the best years of my life, despite our many problems.  I wish I could tell her how grateful I am for all that she gave me.  I actually had some semblance of a life for a while, rather than an existence.  I hated what I was, not she loved me and I had 2-3 friends who were real friends., including S’s brother, who was more of a brother to me than any of my related brothers.  Her mother took me in as one of her own and treated me with respect and kindness.

I’ve said enough for now anyway. Writing about this stuff is necessary, but it is also very painful.  I don’t want to start crying again, especially as I have to get ready to go, because I don’t want to be in this apartment alone.

The sheer loneliness of transgender life 

For me, the worst part about being transgender isn’t the risk of harassment or abuse, but the sheer loneliness of it.  Few people want to have anything to do with me and even if they do,  I have to worry about my voice or them asking intrusive questions or making comments that could potentially trigger me or pitying me.  I feel like I don’t exist as an actual person anymore.  I’m nothing but a freak, a weirdo, ugly and worthless.   I’m an easy target and my Achilles heel is there for all to see. I walk around with an open wound that never seems to heal, because loneliness and people’s words and actions won’t allow it to heal.  All therapy has been able to achieve is to allow me a safe place to vent.  I can’t even begin to address the past, while the present is so unbearably awful.  Happiness, love and friendship are just words to me: things that happen to normal people.

Loneliness and killing time

Nights and weekends are the times that I need to be online the most, as they are the loneliest times.  The cold weather makes it almost impossible to stand outside the clinic using one of my inactive smartphones before my fingers start to freeze.  I checked the forecast yesterday for the next 10 days and there’s no sign of the weather warming up.

This is just getting worse.  I paced around the apartment building aimlessly last night, finding that the common areas on every floor were deserted and devoid of anything but chairs.  I sat in the main common area of the first floor for maybe an hour, with the lights off and my head buried in my hands.  Time passes so slowly and each night brings about the same loneliness and boredom.   I find myself killing time; time that could be utilized by being online, which is better than this.

I finally finished reading Second Glance .  There was a happy ending, but at least the story spared me of the details, as it wrapped everything up.  I’ve started reading a book called Irish Cream.  

I’ve never felt so disconnected from the human race as I do now.  If I were living alone in the wilderness, perhaps I wouldn’t care as much.  But seeing people every day is a reminder of what I’m not, what I’ll never have and who I’ll never be.  I can’t accept loneliness as a way of life and no amount of therapy or medication will ever change that.  My need to have love and friendship in my life is as hardwired into me as my need to eat, drink and breathe.  Yet, no one would ever tell someone to accept hunger.

The internet went down within 5 minutes of arriving at the pharmacy side of the clinic.  I waited for an hour, but it never came back on.   It started snowing again as I walked to Dunkin Donuts across the street.   I went in, but I ended up bolting out, because it was too busy and I was terrified of being misgendered.   I tried to use Dunkin Donuts wifi standing outside, but it was snowing and too cold.  The cold caused my iPhone battery to die as it always does, so I didn’t get to publish this.  

I went back to my apartment and buried my head in my hands.  One of the members of staff knocked on my door to check up on me. When I explained to her what was wrong, she suggested i try a different coffee shop.  She ended up bringing me here, to a place called Boulder Café. It’s very hipster, but it seems safe

Unable to get internet service – feeling cut off and socially isolated

To say that things are not looking good would be an understatement.  There seems to be little chance of getting affordable internet in my apartment and a phone with an unlimited data plan would be too much.   I sat with one of the members of staff and we called Frontier together.  Their internet is affordable, but they said they’d charge up to $160 for installation which is money I don’t have.

So as of now I have:

– No internet.
– No phone.
– No friends here.
– No music or television channels beyond those found on antenna
– No heating, still.

If you’re reading this thinking “first world problems”, you don’t understand how important internet access is to me.  I don’t make friends ‘offline”.  I’m 3,500 miles away from my family and few friends in England.  Unless I go somewhere with free WiFi, I am completely and utterly cut off.  Being cut off and alone is my worst nightmare;’my thoughts will consume me.

It’s going to turn freezing cold again by the weekend, with a LOT of snow forecast, which will make it difficult for me to even get out at all.  Any worsening of my depression will also make it difficult to go out and will trap me in a very dangerous cycle.

If I had to choose from internet access a phone, local friends or heating, I would choose the internet a million times over.

I’m so fucked.  I still wish I could just go back to England, where I at least matter to a couple of people (or maybe not).