Crippling anxiety 

I can’t really go into the good thing that happened to me and it’s mot something I really need to discuss. I still can’t believe it happened though.

What I do want to discuss is the fact that socializing is beyond me right now. Making friends and dating is simply not going to happen. While I can’t accept loneliness, I can accept being alone, because the alternative is much much worse. I don’t fully understand why my anxiety has worsened so much over the last year especially. But what I do know is that exposure to the outside world is hurting me right now, although there has been an exception, which I’ll explain later in this blog entry.

Even being at the clinic is too much for me right now. I was there earlier and I felt awful and became overloaded and overwhelmed. It took me a vast amount of strength to even get dressed and leave my apartment. Another patient there started talking to me because she liked my accent. She was really nice and had I been in a better frame of mind and not imploding inside, I would Jane asked her for her email address so we could keep in touch. Her boyfriend was also British and I liked listening to her, but I had to bolt.  I felt when more disgusting than when I arrived due to nervous sweating, so bad that it probably looked like I’d just ran a marathon.  

I was supposed to be going to a transgender focus meeting at 6, but I bottled out of that too. I feel bad, because at least 2 people wanted my presence there, one of whom runs a local trans group and is a very good person. I couldn’t have coped with a group situation, never mind a group of transwomen who are probably not ugly like me. That is a situation that would have worsened my anxiety and most likely would’ve added more dysphoria to the already shitload of dysphoria that I’m dealing with (or rather not dealing with) right now.

I honestly wish that the incident with the security guard a few weeks ago hadn’t have happened. Going out at all has become much more difficult because of my poor self image and heightened fear of people. If that can happen in a “safe place”, then nowhere here is safe.

I have met one person here who I would definitely be friends with if a friendship develops. We met on OK Cupid before I deleted my account. She’s also trans and extremely intelligent and insightful. I wish I had her attitude. Side doesn’t care about wanting to be normal or fitting in. I wish there were more people like her here especially.

I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and I’ll focus on discussing my anxiety with him. I need a change in medication or a miracle. This isn’t just a bit of social anxiety and shyness – it’s crippling and has only been getting worse. Forcing myself out and being around people is just hurting me, but I suspect that hiding in my apartment is hurting me too.

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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