I’ve been in a major funk since I woke up at 2am. I did manage to leave my apartment, albeit just to take out the trash. Where I differ from many other people who struggle work mental illness is that I have never had a problem maintaining cleanliness. Unfortunately that makes me look more functional, which works against me.
My dysphoria is as he as its ever been at any point in my life. I’ve been on a downward slide as far as dysphoria is concerned since the security guard harassed and misgendered me over 6 weeks ago. Also, I believe my hormone levels are still off post-orchiectomy. At my last count 2 weeks ago, my testosterone level was 150-something – higher than it’s been since I started blockers back in August 2013. The nurse practitioner said it’s perfectly normal after such a procedure and that it’ll disappear from my bloodstream. However, I feel disgusting. My hair feels greasy even though I wash it daily. I smell different and my depression is becoming quite the monster. I started taking the locker again, but my body isn’t producing testosterone, but why do I feel so nasty? How long is it supposed to take to pass through my system? This is stressing me out so badly and just adding to my dysphoria. My anxiety is severe and I’m hyper-sensitive to sound and light. I feel like it has to be that poison….testosterone.
I can’t fade going to the transgender group tomorrow – not in this frame of mind. I wish I knew what was going on with my body. I don’t feel well at all. I wish I had a friend here or just someone I could go to. But loneliness is a lesser worry right now.
I’m going to have to do what I haven’t done for over 14 years because there’s simply no other way. I don’t want to think or feel anymore.