I was taught to hate myself – it isn’t a choice 

I’m supposed to be meeting with my care manager soon, but I don’t feel up to it.   I’m tired and I don’t feel like being seen by anyone.

People tell me to “work on myself” or to “love myself“.  Neither is going to happen. How can I even like anything about myself when I’ve had a lifetime of being bullied, rejected, excluded and made to feel worthless and ugly?  If I had the slightest bit of confidence, it would just make me more of a target.  The world taught me the ugly truth from an early age, which is damage that cannot be undone.  People either ignore me, hate me or pity me (the pity is probably the worst). I’ve never felt accepted by any ‘group’ that I belong to, whether it’s people with mental illness, the transgender and wider LGBT community and society in general.   The only person that will be affected negatively by my death will be my mother.

For as long as I can remember, people have punished me for my flaws.  Whether it’s because I’m ugly or transgender (or both).  The worst part is that they’ve got away with it and they’re still getting away with it. When I was a child and up to adolescence,  I thought that bullying would stop, but it never does – it just takes on different forms. Kids are cruel and adults are cruel too.

If I were brave and strong, I would’ve ended it years ago.  But I’m a coward, afraid of failing again or being hospitalized.  I know how I’d do it and where I’d go, but getting there will take a final surge of strength that I simply don’t have right now. I wish I could be 100% certain that it will work and that I’d have nothingness to look forward to.

I feel ridiculously ill right now. I’ve been in survival mode for far too long and I’m tired….exhausted.  It might be worth it if there was actually something to look forward to or someone to live for.  There’s m help for this….I just don’t belong here.

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

2 thoughts on “I was taught to hate myself – it isn’t a choice ”

  1. I relate to this a lot… I guess for different reasons. it may be wrong to compare it to being chubby… And I’m sorry if it offends you… But I understand how it feels to spend your whole life being told and shown and being made to feel completely inadequate and worthless and ugly. I believed it so much that I never saw me for me. I look back at old photos and I can’t believe how thin I was. It affected me in every single way possible. I struggled talking to people that I met cos I’d imagine how fat and ugly I looked. I never made any real friends cos I could never be honest with them about my insecurities. And i never joined them or met up cos I always wanted to hide my body from ppl. And people were mean… I remember most of the times they mocked me… Even my family… And i kept pretending I was okay… Kept acting like it didn’t bother me and I was happy…. But it shattered my confidence and created a deep endless pit of self loathing. And it’s a real struggle shaking it off. Even when I’m happy, there’s that voice whispering I’m pathetic, I’m disgusting, I hate myself. I guess somehow u gotta let go and forgive everyone or you end up just staying in the past. I haven’t worked out how yet. If you do please let me know

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  2. It’s easy to say “learn to love yourseld” but actually the hardest thing you can do, yet so incredibly important!
    Reading your posts, especially when I’m in a deep depression, always makes me feel less lonely. We’re not alone with our struggles, our pain.
    I could write you the nicest things now. It wouldn’t even matter, because you’re too exhausted. You need a break.
    Nobody to pity you. Not one to give you thousands of compliments. Words aren’t the same as actions.

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