I’m supposed to be meeting with my care manager soon, but I don’t feel up to it. I’m tired and I don’t feel like being seen by anyone.
People tell me to “work on myself” or to “love myself“. Neither is going to happen. How can I even like anything about myself when I’ve had a lifetime of being bullied, rejected, excluded and made to feel worthless and ugly? If I had the slightest bit of confidence, it would just make me more of a target. The world taught me the ugly truth from an early age, which is damage that cannot be undone. People either ignore me, hate me or pity me (the pity is probably the worst). I’ve never felt accepted by any ‘group’ that I belong to, whether it’s people with mental illness, the transgender and wider LGBT community and society in general. The only person that will be affected negatively by my death will be my mother.
For as long as I can remember, people have punished me for my flaws. Whether it’s because I’m ugly or transgender (or both). The worst part is that they’ve got away with it and they’re still getting away with it. When I was a child and up to adolescence, I thought that bullying would stop, but it never does – it just takes on different forms. Kids are cruel and adults are cruel too.
If I were brave and strong, I would’ve ended it years ago. But I’m a coward, afraid of failing again or being hospitalized. I know how I’d do it and where I’d go, but getting there will take a final surge of strength that I simply don’t have right now. I wish I could be 100% certain that it will work and that I’d have nothingness to look forward to.
I feel ridiculously ill right now. I’ve been in survival mode for far too long and I’m tired….exhausted. It might be worth it if there was actually something to look forward to or someone to live for. There’s m help for this….I just don’t belong here.