Failed in my mission to join the library 

I set a goal for myself to go and join the library today, but I failed as expected. I walked over there done, hater blockers (sunglasses) on and hater sound blockers (earphones) lodged into my ear drums. But when I got to the library, it suddenly became completely overwhelming and I had no idea where to go. I didn’t feel up to using my wretched male sounding voice to ask anyone, so I left.

All I can say is that I managed to walk there alone. One of my support workers said she’d come with me on Monday so I can get a library card. I hate how useless and incapable I’ve become of doing what should be seemingly simple things. I wanted to join the library today so I could borrow some books for the weekend.

I walked back and got back jest in time to buy some cheap produce from the curbside market van. I saved a fair bit of money and they gave me a $5 voucher to use for next time.

I dropped off my produce and decided to walk over to Boulder Cafe, which is where I am now. It’s mostly empty and I’m probably going to chill here for a while. It’s a shame I didn’t manage to get any new reading material, because the ambience in here is perfect for reading a book.

I had a mini-meltdown this morning when Tinder suspended my account and I lost M’s details. Thankfully, it must’ve just been a glitch, because the account is fine now.

I have therapy tomorrow afternoon, which is much needed. I need everyone to get on the same page so that I can get the help I need to get out in the community more, because I’m tired of existing as an invisible recluse. I’m 50/50 on whether or not to go back to the transgender group on Monday, but apparently my presence was welcomed there and one of them could be a potential friend.


Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

4 thoughts on “Failed in my mission to join the library ”

  1. I understand what you’re going through since I have a similar library experience… There was a year I had no way of renewing my library card except in person. So many times I went to the library attempting to make a beeline for the counter to get help from a librarian but everytime I walked in, my feet would no longer move and it felt like my anxiety just skyrocketed to the point I couldn’t imagine using my voice to speak. Eventually I gave up and spent a whole year unable to use my library card to borrow books. I ended up getting the card renewed by a librarian when I was communicating via email with this librarian who was helping me clean up my resume and he recommended I use my card to checkout a pdf book from the library website. So I basically avoided the situation till the very end. 😐 I hope things turn out differently for you at the library. For me, it’s not just the library. I have trouble turning in job applications in-person. I managed to do it one time some months back and this was only after like eight times of painstakingly going into the store, getting completely frozen by anxiety and unable to make myself approach a single employee to ask about where I could hand in my application, and then being so on edge that I would end up walking out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry that your anxiety is bad too. Half of mine is related to pure hatred of my male sounding voice. I also have problems approaching strangers as it is. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

      One of my support workers said she’d come to the smaller nearby library with me to join. I think once I have a card I’ll be able to go often and just tune ppl out. I hate living like a prisoner

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hate my voice as well… I think I sound too manly. My insecurity about my voice goes back to a time when I was younger and I answered the phone. It was one of my brother’s friends and he mistook me for my brother. 😐

        It’s good you will have someone with you as help with getting a library card. Hopefully you can find cool stuff to read.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I want to get the surgery on my larynx to change it forever. I’ll take the risk of losing my voice. I’d rather have no voice than this voice. I mean that too.


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