With what I thought were achievements and positive experiences comes nothing but pain. It’s now almost 6am and I’ve been awake since just before 1am, either crying or staring at the walls and ceiling of my bedroom as my mind foments with me with thoughts and memories.
I can’t socialize and meet people without ending up feeling even more inadequate, ugly and lonely than I did before. I met some good people yesterday, some of whom could be potential friends, but then my ‘curse’ kicks in and reminds me as to why it’s less painful to completely isolate myself as much as possible. It was all another reminder of what I’ll never be and what I’ll never have. Seemingly, everyone has someone…..a partner, a friend or a group of friends. I’m tired of having to repeat “I have no friends here” over and over, although I think it’s obvious and very obvious that I’m too ugly for love.
I felt woefully ugly at the transgender group, even though the group itself was the most supportive of any that I’ve been to. I met 2 lovely people at the coffee shop afterwards and we talked for ages. But they were a couple and unfortunately I was beginning to feel awful, despite feeling pleased that I’d finally started making local connections. They kindly dropped me back home and invited me to get Chinese food with them, but I was already burned out at that point and on the verge of tears. I’m also not doing so well with regard to eating at the moment and didn’t want to waste money (or anyone else’s money) on food that I’d have either just not eaten or purged.
I went straight to sleep when I got back to my apartment. But then I woke up way too early and all positive feelings were replaced by painful ones. I started missing S, missing my mother and the cats. I remembered how S used to comfort me when I felt scared and now that’s all gone. Twice I got up and threw up what little was still undigested in my stomach. I looked at my ugly, worn face and huge body in the mirror and could look no more.
I am only showing part of my face, because it’s far too ugly (people have told me so recently on here) but this is to illustrate what my night and early morning has consisted of. There are no more tears left, my eyes are sore and red and my stomach hurts.
I didn’t hear anything else from the girl that messaged me the other day, seemingly so pleased to have found me after our random encounter almost a year ago. The same goes for the 2 guys I’d been talking to and the one I met on Sunday night who blatantly was not interrelated. I wish people wouldn’t contact me as a joke or a one-off. I’m sure it’s entertaining to them, but it hurts me.
Unfortunately, the (extremely) slim chance of reward (friendship or more) isn’t worth the pain of putting myself out there and then enduring this level of pain and loneliness. I can’t deal with loneliness, but I would rather deal with the loneliness caused by social isolation than feel just as lonely when I’m surrounded by people, living lives that I would give anything to be able to live.
All of this is far too painful, so I’m sticking to isolating until I can find the courage within me to end my life and finally be free from all of this
I’ve failed at life
I’ve failed at being a functional, responsible adult
My mental health is just getting worse
I’m getting older and uglier
I’ve failed at transition
And it will only get worse.
Yesterday was a huge mistake on my part. And it’s all my fault and I take full responsibility for exposing myself to things that I know very well that cause me immense pain.