Too much to summarize in a subject header…

I spent most of today at the clinic, where I could be online in relative peace.  I listened to my music and talked to my mother and my best friend on WhatsApp.  While I was there, I had blood taken as I’ve not had my counts done since I had the orchiectomy a month ago.

The good news: my New York license with the correct name and gender came in the mail today. I am now officially 1) Rebecca, 2) female and 3) a New Yorker.  I wish I had access to a car so that I could celebrate with a mini-road trip, especially as I miss driving.  Driving is one of the few things in life that I’m confident at.

I’m worried about my brother though.  I can’t imagine how devastating it must be to be fired from a senior position that you’d worked hard to get to.  I’m used to bad news and personal disasters, but he isn’t. He also suffers from mental illness and I’m sure he feels hopeless and scared right now.   I wish there was something that I could do.  My mother is naturally worried about him too.   I hope that he either wins the appeal and gets his job back or is able to find another job.  I’ve been fired from shitty low end jobs, but not a senior / executive level job (I never reached those heights anyway).

I am dreading tomorrow, because I have 2 appointments in one day: Social Security in the morning and DHS in the afternoon.  I’m dreading DHS more due to the busy and terrifying waiting area, but that is the last government department / agency left where I need to change my name.  I hope it won’t be busy, because it is a panic attack inducing environment.   I will be glad when it’s all over in 20 hours from now.  

I had an apartment inspection earlier and was told that my apartment was one of the cleanest and best kept in the building.  I keep explaining that my issues are outside the home, not inside.  I don’t have problems with cooking, cleaning or personal hygiene.  I differ from most of the other residents here, in that sense.  Many of them can socialize better than I can, but struggle to take care of themselves. I don’t go to the groups because they’re geared towards people who need help with ‘living skills’ and groups don’t help me anyway.

I ate a full meal for the first time….vegetarian chili and rice that I defrosted earlier.  Now I feel bloated and tired. But after reading about how starving yourself of protein causes hair damage and hair loss, I won’t be doing that again. But  I am going to restrict myself to bread and I’ll avoid pasta completely.   I will also fast for one day a week and I’ve resumed my “home based” exercises now that my scars have healed sufficiently. This consists of mainly squats and crunches.

I need to go to bed early tonight and get more than 4 hours’ worth of sleep.  Or maybe it’s best I don’t sleep at all so I’ll be too exhausted to be scared and anxious.   The more awake I am, the more I’m affected by my surroundings…..,,

…….so I’ll sleep tomorrow instead.

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

2 thoughts on “Too much to summarize in a subject header…”

  1. Its so amazing that you don’t have to worry about the name change anymore and that youre okay with your mother again. 🙂 she was right and you didn’t have to leave again afterall. I’m glad you’re eating again too! Things are looking up! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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