“Blow Up The Outside World” 

I had a bad dream last night that involved one of my younger brothers becoming a parent and my jealousy and envy of them.  I know most people probably wouldn’t understand why such a thing would cause me pain, but I have always felt inferior to my 2 younger half brothers.  They are normal, successful, married and not afflicted with the ugly gene that has ruined my life.

The dream plus my dysphoria has left me feeling extremely low. It was a challenge to even get out of bed this morning and take a shower, but I cannot be in my apartment for too long as I am quite literally “cut off” from the outside world.

Chris Cornell’s death is really affecting me.  I listened to an hour long tribute to his life and music on the radio last night on the Nikki Sixx show.  I knew Chris suffered from depression, but I never thought that he’d take his own life or die before his time like many of the other tortured grunge era musicians.    I also thought of an (almost) ex girlfriend of mine who was utterly obsessed with Soundgarden and Chris Cornell. She must be devastated.

I feel utterly burned out for some reason. I think I did too much socializing yesterday.  I think my dysphoria is getting the better of me.   Too much “outside world” exposure and rejection have done a number on me. I’ve given up on the idea of dating and ever becoming functional. I’ve largely given up on myself too.  It’s a permeating sense of defeat that is only going to continue to eat away at me until I can no longer take it.

I’m going to starve myself after I’ve used the food I have left.   I feel like a bloated, huge ugly monster.   I still have too much muscle in my upper arms and shoulders, despite being on HRT for over 3 1/2 years and not producing teaosterone.  If I starve myself, I’ll waste away.   It’ll make me sick, but I don’t care.   I’m disgusted by my body and by food.  I wanted to put a bullet in my head when E noticed the muscle in my right arm.   

I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and the feeling is only getting more intense as I get older.  Society has changed, I have no love in my life and most of my idols are dead.  I can’t even look at the news anymore because it scares me to death.  I feel like I’m just waiting to die.

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Author: Becca

Trans chick lost and alone in the world.

5 thoughts on ““Blow Up The Outside World” ”

  1. Please don’t starve yourself, I’m begging you!
    I’m struggling with an eating disorder for 10 years now and trust me when I say it just makes things worse. You become even more aware of your body.
    Having muscles isn’t masculine but I understand where you’re coming from. Treat yourself with something nice! A pretty dress for example. New makeup. Anything you enjoy! Decorate yourself.
    But please don’t play with your health.

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    1. I’m not going to completely stop eating. I’m in treatment housing and wouldn’t be allowed to get away with it. But I am going to eat the minimum. One piece of fruit a day. I will starve my body of protein and anything else. I’ve gone up 2 pan sizes in 1 years.

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      1. But isn’t that your body becoming more and more feminine? Women need bigger pants.
        How about you look into the bodypositivity community? For example on Instagram are a few such as BodyPosiPanda.. Everybody is welcomed and it’s truly lovely how they encourage each other. Maybe it helps you? Women in all sizes and shapes, fat and muscles.

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      2. All the fat shifted in my body over 2 years ago after 18 months of hormones. I can’t believe that would still be happening. And my arms are disgusting.

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      3. Well.. I’m not too sure about that. I don’t know a lot about MtF transgender but for example I know from Transmen that the beard starts growing usually later and still changes even after over 5 years of hormones. Maybe ask a doctor? Everybody is different in the end so it could be the reason.
        I know many women who have more muscular arms or simply thicker than most. That’s just their anatomy, that’s how they are. There are people who gain most of their weight on their stomach, others on their thighs and others on their arms. It’s completely normal! And don’t forget that you see yourself differently from others.
        There’s a saying that teaches that a butterfly will always think its ugly, because it never sees the beautiful colours of its wings!
        Most people are like that too

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