I don’t even feel like leaving my apartment today, but I have to, otherwise I’ll be consumed by thoughts. I don’t see my therapist until tomorrow morning, but I need to talk about the possibility of losing my health insurance and what that means and how long I’m likely to have to be able to prepare to return to the UK.
I don’t belong in the UK, but I don’t belong here either, especially not now. I’m not afraid of death itself, but the thought of taking my own life by the method that I’ve chosen is terrifying. It’s easy to imagine how quick and painless it’d most likely be, but what if something goes wrong and I’m still alive, but seriously injured? I’ve experienced suicidal ideation since childhood, but now it is becoming something I have to do, not just want to do. I’ve never had much in the way of control over my life, but now I feel like my life is completely out of my hands.
I can’t go back to being what I was: male. While I wish that I’d tried to find alternatives to transition several years ago, it’s too late now. I had accepted that this is who I am and what I’m stuck with, because it makes day-to-day life slightly more bearable than before. Transition is the sole reason why I’m still here, as difficult and as painless as it is.
When will I be able to focus on what I need to do in order to get better? It’s always one major issue to worry about or several at the same time. I wish I’d never read that news article about the healthcare bill. Now I’m worried that the axe will fall on me at any time. I don’t have money to return to the UK, if it comes down to that. But I can’t stay here with no healthcare either. There IS only one other way. God, please give me the strength to do it.