I’ve pushed so many people away and sabotaged connections because I’ve become so terrified of letting anyone in that it’s almost an automatic response, because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t know howto read people and I misconstrue what they say. While the pain of loneliness S is intense and is slowly destroying me, it’s a constant pain and a pain that I am familiar with. Allowing someone in could hurt me unexpectedly and it’s not something I can prepare for mentally.
Sometimes pushing them away is the right thing to do and I don’t usually regret it. Perhaps that person wasn’t much of a friend to begin with or maybe I saw that they’d be potentially bad for me.
But I pushed someone away yesterday and I have done nothing but regret it ever since. I cried myself to sleep over it and I was hoping to try to fix the situation, but she sent me an email asking me not to contact her again and now I’m out and trying not to cry in front of anyone. We hadn’t been talking for long, but I felt such a strong connection. Maybe I didn’t explain my triggers properly and I think my hurt and frustration from the past tends to get directed at whoever I’m talking to, even if they are trying to help. Since Holly, I’ve become even more paranoid that people who show any kindness towards me are just doing it out of pity. That is what I accused that girl of and I truly regret that. We had so much in common and I actually liked her. Very rarely do I feel this bad about pushing someone away, but this time I just want to go home and lock myself away and punish myself for what I’ve done. I might as well just give up. Even on the very rare occasions when people open up to me, my guard goes up and I have to subject them to the same gauntlet every time to protect myself.
I miss her. This could have been something good. I know it. We even met yesterday briefly and hugged. She went out of her way just to see me. No one has done that for me in forever, apart from people who are paid to take care of my needs and listen to me. I really fucked up this time. Why cant I just let things happen and enjoy a wonderful connection like I used to?
I give up.