Tired of being hated, tired of being me

I’m glad the sleep deprecation from the previous night plus Seroqjurl allowed me to fall asleep just after 9pm.    I woke up once around 1:30am, then again at 5am, which is when I got up and got ready.  I have that stupid pre-admission testing at 8:30am this morning, which I’m dreading.

E (one of the residents here) clearly hates me.  I was sitting I the lobby last night and she completely ignored me.  She was down there with a man that I don’t like and he ignored me too.  Clearly they did say something about me being ugly and they won’t talk to me because they know I must’ve heard something.  E talks an awful lot of shit about people, so I’m sure that people hate me even more than they did before… I can feel it as I walk past them. I may be ugly and a freak, but I’m not stupid and i can sense people’s energy just as I can hear, see and smell them. It is the same reason why I’ve seen ghosts in the past.   They are just energies too, monks a living breathing body.

Yesterday killed me.  The person that interviewed me didn’t seem convinced.  I felt his eyes burning a hole job me, even though I avoided ew contact the whole time.  People think that just because I can cook and clean inside the home that I’m somehow ‘high functioning’.  The is where I differ from most people at the treatment housing.  Many of them struggle with that stuff, plus managing money and some Howe bipolar or schizophrenia.  I don’t get manic and I don’t hear voices, so I must be perfectly capable of coping with daily life…not. At lease the other residents seem o have little or no problem socializing.   They have family and friends here. Some of them even go to school or work part time.

Believe me when I say that I want to die.  I hate myself….what I am, how I look, how I sound and how my life has turned out.   I hate being alone, but every time I try to connect with someone, it ends in disaster. I’m at the point where I’ve given up completely as far as people are concerned. Now I just want to be invisible again and to be left alone.  The 4 ‘safe places’ aren’t so safe after all.   I’ve had bad experiences with people at the clinic lately and I feel likeeveryone hates me at the treatment housing.   It tells me that I have absolutely no chance of standing on my own 2 feet and surviving out in rh real world.   

The xesurity guard at the clinic yelled at me again for loitering as I’m waiting for my care manager.  This time I reacted and yelled back at him to leave me alone and he eventually did.  This time I’m making a big deal about it and I’m putting in an official complaint.   I’m tired of people messing with me because they see me as an easy target. 

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Author: Becca

Dead to the world, dead inside.

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